Tag: relationships

The Gift of a Pause

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“Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough.” – unknown

I hit a wall this week – a metaphorical one, of course.

It was after getting Miss O back to school for 4th grade and Mr. D in his jump start program for Kindergarten last week, then flying with the kids to Northern California on Friday for my niece’s baby shower, flying back on Sunday, getting Mr. D ready for his first full day of school on Monday, then teaching a webinar on Tuesday.

After all that, I don’t blame my body for needing a break. If only I was smart enough to give it a break without catching a head cold. Well, always something to learn.

Fortunately, one of the last things I did before coming down with this cold was record a podcast with Vicki and my meditation teacher, yoga teacher, massage therapist, and friend, Deirdre Wilcox. I say fortunately, because Deirdre is so incredibly good at putting everything in perspective – even yucky colds. It’s no wonder she’s such a well-regarded wellness educator.

As my teacher and friend for nearly 30 years, Deirdre has shared so much grounded wisdom with me. Of her many gifts, one that I love that is highlighted in this conversation, is her ability to help frame what we are experiencing in biological terms.

So she walks us through the shift from summer to fall in terms of the cues our bodies are receiving. And this leads to a huge a-ha for me about the persistent question I get at the end of summer, “Have we done enough?”

Deirdre suggests some practices that reduce the overwhelm as we move from the freedom and spontaneity of summer to the structure of autumn. One of the things I like most about her approach is that she understands that the things that have a chance to stick are the small ones.

So she suggests some small changes for us to incorporate as we move towards falls. Ways that we can incorporate rituals to thoughtfully move from one season to the next.

And one of my absolute favorites, an invitation to take it all in and notice what we did with our summer before we move on.

I’m confident you’ll love the scenic and beautiful places we explore as we share the power of storytelling.

We know you’ll love it!

Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts OR Listen to it from your computer on Anchor:  Episode 84: Autumnal Shift with Deirdre Wilcox

AND subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

Transcript for this episode: Episode 84 transcript

Links for this Episode:

For more about Deirdre and the incredible work she does: Deirdre Therapeutics (deirdrewilcox.com)

Other episodes featuring Deirdre Wilcox

Episode 27: The Power of the Pause with Deirdre Wilcox

Episode 14: Holding Space with Deirdre Wilcox

Episode 10: The Power of Intuition with Deirdre Wilcox

From the Hosts:

Vicki’s recently released book: Surviving Sue

My book about my beloved father: Finding My Father’s Faith

(featured photo from Pexels)

The Inspiration to Write: A Short Vignette

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“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” – Dr. Seuss

This post was originally published on 8/23/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

I was sitting at my kitchen table working yesterday afternoon, trying to tie up the last few items before closing my laptop and going to get my kids when the doorbell rang. It was the <ding-dong><ding-dong><ding-dong> of repeated bell pushes used most frequently by the 7-years-old and under set.

So I wasn’t surprised to find the 6-year-old twins from four doors down the street hanging out on my porch. “We’ve come to see the puppy!” they announced in unison. Maybe a twin thing although these aren’t identical and I’m not sure if the twinning mind meld thing happens with all twins or if this was a fluke. But it was convincing enough that I held the door open wide to let them in, and we walked out to the yard.

I introduced them to the puppy and said, “I have to get back to work.” The more talkative one, Twin 1, said, “Okay, we’ll stay out here and play.”

And then the quieter one, Twin 2 said, “But do you have scissors to cut this tag off?” Pulling out a dog toy from her side.

Twin 1 interjected, “That toy is for our puppy!” And Twin 2 replied, “But Mom handed it to me on our way out.”

I said, “I have to get back to work.”

They said, “Okay.”

After a few minutes, they came in from the yard to where I was working and thought to ask, “Where are your kids?” I replied that they were at camp and school. Twin 2 said, “I’m hungry.”

I said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I have to get back to work and can’t make a snack right now but if you come back…”

Twin 2 said with a smile, “No problem, I can get the snack myself.”

Twin 1 said, “Where’s the cat?” I explained she was probably in my bedroom because she’s upset about the puppy. Twin 1 said, “Oh, I know where that is, I can go on my own” and left the room.

I felt myself shrugging my shoulders and smiling at this random interruption when I heard rustling noises from my pantry. Twin 2 reappeared with her cheeks full of food, and said, “You have good nuts.”

I said “thank you” and was still chuckling when the twins older sister appeared at the door and took them home.

No point to this – I just was thinking that maybe Dr. Seuss worked from home.

Where have you gotten your inspiration to write today? Any twins show up on your porch lately?

(featured photo from Pexels)

Ring a Bell

Posted in inspiration, UncategorizedTagged , , , , 86 Comments

“There is within each one of us a potential for goodness beyond our imagining; for giving which seeks no reward; for listening without judgment; for loving unconditionally.” – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I’ve hung a yak bell on the inside handle of my back door for decades. I bought the bell in Nepal when I trekked to Everest base camp so I find it a pleasing sound for many reasons. It’s been useful so that my dogs can signal when they want to go out. Neither Cooper nor Biscuit before him were big barkers so it was pretty easy to train them to ring the bell when they want to go outside.

It’s a lot harder to train them to just do it when they NEED to go out instead of just want to go out. <Squirrel> But hey, I won’t complain about a system that works most of the time for canine to human communication.

Lately, I’ve been noticing that Cooper rings the bell for the cat. That is, if he sees her sitting outside the door wanting to come in, he’ll ring it. Or, if she’s sitting next to him and wants to go out, he’ll ring the bell. When I open the door, he sits back down and doesn’t go outside as if to say, “I’m just doing this for my friend, the cat. Who could do it for herself but doesn’t want to appear trainable.”

Who says chivalry is dead?

Time to Reset

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“Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you’re keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls…are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.” – James Patterson

There’s a young man in our neighborhood that’s learning to juggle. In fact, he’s the same young man who does magic tricks that I’ve written about.

Now that he’s 12, he’s started hiring himself out for birthday parties. He really does a great job with the patter and the magic. He’s such a delightful, inquisitive, and polite young man that it’s impossible not to root for him.

When it comes to juggling, he gets it done. But not exactly with the flawless execution of someone in a circus show. It’s more like a suspense act where you worry for every ball.

Funny thing is that is how I’m feeling in this first week of September. I’ve got the home projects to stain and seal before the rain comes, the fall clothes shopping, the million and one forms to fill out for back to school, and a family wedding. And work and the class I’m teaching next week? Well, let’s just say I’m keeping the balls in the air but everyone watching is probably a little worried about the show.

So I’m delighted that in the latest episode of the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast, I get to talk with my co-host Vicki Atkinson about the need to nest.

As September begins, we feel the summer’s intensity wane in the Northern Hemisphere. While I cherish summer, there’s a point where the expectations for endless outdoor fun with my family become overwhelming.

Vicki and I discuss transitioning from the carefree days of summer to the structured school year. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, empty nester, or caregiver, we explore the opportunities that come with a fall reset.

From dedicating more time to writing and reflecting to tackling projects set aside for vacations or house guests, we can embrace the seasonal shift.

Vicki shares insights from a nutritionist and the Surgeon General, offering food for thought on eating earlier and acknowledging our burdens.

These are all great ideas for recognizing the benefits of resetting with the change of seasons. So, let’s put on our cozy sweaters, don our creative thinking caps, and enjoy the fall.

I’m confident you’ll love the scenic and beautiful places we explore as we share the power of storytelling.

Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts OR Listen to it from your computer on Anchor: Episode 83: The Need to Nest with Vicki and Wynne

AND subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

Transcript for this episode: Episode 83 transcript

Links for this Episode:

Episode 83 show notes

(featured photo from Pexels)

Too Mad To Listen

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“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” – Mark Twain

I saw this gas station sign and it reminded me of a story from many years ago.

The house next door to mine used to be a duplex. On the main floor lived a 40-something year old opera singer and music teacher who had lived there for nearly twenty years. She gardened and was friendly with all the neighbors so it was easy to get to know her.

One summer, a new renter moved into the top floor. She was younger than the opera singer – maybe in her early 30’s. I frequently saw her roller skating around the little lake we live near wearing bright red lipstick. She was noticeable but harder to get to know beyond a wave here and there.

The roller skater frequently walked loudly in high heels when she was home and slammed her kitchen cupboards late at night. This was keeping the opera singer in the apartment below her awake past her bedtime. She tried to ask her to stop. The roller skater didn’t want to talk about it. So, the opera singer tried sending her an email. The roller skater’s dad who lived in Florida called her to tell her to stop bothering his daughter.

Then one night the roller skater came home, parked her car in the driveway and left her car lights on. The opera singer noticed and tried to call out to her but the roller skater slammed the door. The opera singer tried to call her on the phone but the roller skater hung up on her. So the opera singer sent her an email.

The next morning, the roller skater’s car battery was dead. The opera singer watched as she slammed the door crying, eventually getting AAA to come help. The roller skater moved out shortly after.

I heard this story from the opera singer so I only have that perspective. I think the roller skater was a sensitive soul that felt every comment deeply. But even so, it’s always reminded me that not listening to others can come at a cost.

I searched my memory banks for a story of when I was too mad to listen. Funny thing is that I came up empty. I take that as a sign that someone out there is right now telling a story about me not listening. I’m just not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse that we often are oblivious to the help never taken.

What do you think?

(featured photo from Pexels)

Being Difficult

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“There will never be an “us” if I play small.” – Sharon Preiss

Last Monday when Miss O, Mr. D, and I were getting ready for bike camp, nine-year-old Miss O was dragging her feet. She had a ton of “problems” that were blocking her: she couldn’t find shoes, Cooper the dog was in her way, her helmet was missing one unicorn ear, she didn’t remember the route we usually use to go down to the lake, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I turned to her and said, “You are being difficult.”

She replied, “I am.” And then added, “I wish I could tell you when you are being difficult too.”

To which I replied, “Please do. But I’d especially love to know when I’m being difficult when others are trying to be helpful and supportive or if it’s when you all are dragging your feet.”

I’ve been troubled by this conversation ever since. In fact, I’m finding it hard to write about. Here’s my best guess at why.

I think I’m starting to experience the generational BS that women in my family pass down. And it’s so ingrained and insidious, I’m not even doing it intentionally.

“You are being difficult.” It’s like code for saying that I expect her to fall in line and be agreeable. To be flexible and accommodating like a young woman.

To be fair, she was being difficult. It’s just that the word hits a note of a gender stereotype that I’ve tried to avoid my whole life. I had no intention of passing it on. Then it slipped out of my mouth.

I’m naturally pretty agreeable. But inheriting the expectations of how a woman should behave has kept me from speaking up when I needed to – both in pursuing my own interests and also when something is wrong. And it kept me playing small. Trying not to stand up or stand out has kept me quiet about what I know or am capable of doing. It’s made me intentionally dim my light so I’m not too much.

It’s taken me decades in leadership positions to figure out that I can be genial AND forthright. And when needed, it’s acceptable to be hard-headedly, certainly, yet kindly, difficult.

So, I’m officially okay with Miss O being difficult. While I prefer she not do it when we are heading out the door, it’s fine if she does that too. Because sometimes that is when we learn to flip the script.

(featured photo from Pexels)

The horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad day

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“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” – Pema Chӧdrӧn

On this past Saturday, we had a horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad day.*

Cooper the dog, had some potty accidents that we discovered. A couple that I found and cleaned up first thing in the morning, and a couple that Miss O unceremoniously stumbled upon. Ewww. Apparently, Cooper had GI issues after his surgery to remove the grass from his ear on Thursday.

We found some bugs in our pancake mix.

Then nine-year-old Miss O saw that the vines in Rusty, the crested gecko’s enclosure had fallen down. On closer inspection, we’d been misting too much and the whole enclosure was a swamp. So, instead of our to-do list chores, we spent all morning rehabilitating Rusty’s setup.

[Side note: We called my niece to get some advice. She’s the one who gave us Rusty. Miss O told her that we’d gotten Rusty out of the enclosure by saying, “We executed Rusty.” We quickly clarified that we’d evacuated, not executed, Rusty.]

At a kid’s birthday party, five-year-old Mr. D got hit in the head by a water balloon thrown by an 11-year-old boy who had been spitting in the ballons before hurling them.

Our tap water turned brown.

It was literally one thing after another. Some things caused by us, like Rusty’s enclosure. Some things that were random like the water turning brown. Some things caused by other humans like the water balloon.

There is probably nothing that peeves me more than life messing with my efficiency. I was not in a great mood, but I’ve learned from experience that rough days call for leadership, even when I don’t feel like it.

At one point in the day, Miss O exasperatedly said, “This is awful. I don’t know what to do!”

So, we talked about my dad’s approach to just find the next right thing to do. And we took comfort that what we did have to respond to “life” with was each other. We were doing pretty good job of sticking together.

Then as the kids were getting ready for bed, a huge lightning storm came in. Seattle very rarely gets thunderstorms so this was a rare and incredible show. After they brushed their teeth, we snuggled in my bed with all the curtains open and watched the storm.

It was fitting. On a day that seemed extra “life-y,” to let the storm and rain exhaust itself and pass on through. In that way, we weathered the storm.

(featured photo from Pexels)

*Title is a riff on the children’s book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judy Viorst

It’ll Be Alright In the End

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“Everything will be alright in the end, and if it is not alright, it is not the end.” – The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Months ago, when I signed Mr. D up for his very first summer camp (rock climbing, in case it matters), I assumed that it would start at the same time as Miss O’s. For his age group 3-5, the camp ends at noon. Miss O’s older group goes until 3pm. But certainly they’d start all the groups at 9am, right?

When I took a closer look before the camp started this week, I discovered Mr. D’s doesn’t start until 9:30am. When I realized that detail, I started inwardly groaning about the inconvenience.

But just briefly. Because in the last dozen years, I adopted a shift that has made an immense difference to my happiness. I started assuming that “it” is for the best. That whatever is irritating me is just an opportunity opening that I can’t yet see. Or that I may never totally understand because it’s above my pay grade.

This has a Biblical basis (Romans 8:28), and a Buddhist basis, but I don’t think it requires a particular spiritual tradition. It’s just an act of staying open to the possibility that there’s a perspective that I can’t yet see.

For anyone that is thinking this sounds Pollyana-ish, I get it. But this change came from the darkest days of my life when I was stuck in all the feelings of failure after my divorce and clueless about what I was going to do next.

So many things came from that vulnerable time in the dark: my meditation practice and faith, the conversations with my father, my two beautiful children, my writing. And also this idea that I should stop doubling-down on irritation and instead stay present for whatever is unfolding.

It’s easier to do this for things like camp drop-offs. In this case, the payoff came almost instantly. Of course, it was beneficial to have Mr. D’s camp start a half hour later. He got to see his sister get dropped off, and then have some time warming up on his own.

 It gets harder when the kids are sick and I have to cancel my hair appointment. Or the babysitter cancels and I can’t go out with my friends.

So, I practice with the small irritations – believing that it’ll be alright in the end. And if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.

Riding the Rhythm Into the Comfort Zone

Posted in inspiration, UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , 51 Comments

“Each one must learn the highest wisdom. It cannot be taught in words.” – Smowhala Wanapum

We’ve just returned from two week vacation on the beach. It was an incredible privilege to be able to take that time. It was born of a feeling that Mr. D needed a break between his 52-weeks-a-year preschool and starting Kindergarten. But it turned out to be something we all needed.

We had lots of friends join us. My friend, Eric, was with us a good deal of the two weeks. Also, my oldest friend, Katie, my meditation teacher, Deirdre, my mom, and one of Miss O’s friends came with her mom for part of the time.

But we also spent a number of days just the three of us. For anyone not in this phase of life with young children, it’s a tricky thing to present children with a whole lot of unstructured time. Ah, who am I kidding? It seems to be problematic for most every age.

For us, it started out with some rough moments. Mr. D lost it a few days in a row. The things that set it off were so innocuous. Like the time he didn’t want Miss O and her friend to go out in the dinghy after dinner even though he was invited and included. It had to be something else bugging him.

And then we found the rhythm. Activity, break, activity, food, activity, break, food, activity, bed. For example, wake up, walk on the beach, and then take a break; go swimming and then break for lunch; then pickleball; take a break; dinner and paddleboarding, then have some downtime watching shows and go to bed.

Here’s the lesson I derived for myself – when life feels new or unsettling, find the rhythm. Often the rhythm gets us through even when we are outside of our comfort zone.

It’s like every new hike or mountain I’ve undertaken. I feel the anxiety of not knowing where I’m going. And then I shoulder my pack and start walking. Soon enough, I will find or experience the answers. I just need to rely on the rhythm of my pace until I get there.

Try Not To Laugh

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“Watch out for the man whose belly doesn’t move when he laughs.” – Chinese Proverb

My kids love to play the game, “try not to laugh.” You know the one where you are supposed to sit stony faced while they make funny faces and do crazy things? Geez, what a silly game. Why would one ever try not to laugh?

Can you tell that I’m bad at the game? I usually start laughing before the round even starts. After all, laughter is one of the secret sauces for life. Right?

So it was such a pleasure for Vicki and I to sit down and podcast this week with retired elementary teacher, blogger, and author, Pete Springer. It’s Episode 79 of our Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast: Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh with Pete Springer.

Pete tells us a hilarious story about a volunteer job that devolved into the giggles. And we talk about how laughter is such a great unifier and connector.

Sure, there are some things in life that need to be taken seriously. But is it okay to laugh even as we are trying to do a good job?

Pete carries that forward to another story about a recent mad dash through the airport. In his version of planes, carts, and shuttle vans, he delightfully reminds us that we will eventually get to our destination. And it’s better to go laughing.

So please join us for this delightful episode that has Vicki and me in giggles and I know you will be chuckling right alongside us.

I dare you not to laugh at this episode. 🙂

I’m certain you’ll enjoy the scenic and beautiful places we go when we share the power of story.

We know you’ll love it!

Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts OR Listen to it from your computer on Anchor: Episode 79: Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh with Pete Springer

AND subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

Vicki has written a great HoTM post about this episode: Episode 79: Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh with Pete Springer

Links for this Episode:

Pete Springer – Passionate Teacher and Future Children’s Author (wordpress.com)

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh – Pete Springer (wordpress.com)

When You Crack Yourself Up: “Wind Beneath My Wings” – Victoria Ponders

Other Episodes with Pete:

Episode 68: The Circle of Life with Pete Springer

Episode 36: They Call Me Mom with Pete Springer

From the Hosts:

Vicki’s recently released book: Surviving Sue

Wynne’s book about her beloved father: Finding My Father’s Faith

(featured photo from Pexels)