Tag: friendship

The Fate Worse Than No

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“If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” – Wayne Dwyer

When my friend, Eric, was over for dinner last week, I asked him if he had room in his car to take his chairs home. In the pause as he considered it, Miss O jumped in and said, “Yeah, they were just dumped here.”

Eric surprisingly showed up with chairs unbidden on the morning of Thanksgiving of 2023. And while we used them around the table for that Thanksgiving and this past one, they haven’t been used otherwise.

I think Miss O was doing the thing we often do – saying one sentence too much when there’s a pause because we’re afraid the answer will be “no.” Call it pressing the point or making the case, often it’s trying to shift the answer in our favor. Sometimes it comes with an unnecessary punch.

Because “no” isn’t the worse thing we can hear. Sure, it means we aren’t getting our way for the moment. But consider all the missed opportunities if we didn’t ask at all. Things like dates you didn’t go on, the path you didn’t take, and the pitches you didn’t make.

And the chairs we stored for 420 days because I hadn’t asked my friend to take them. Fortunately, Eric did have room for chairs in his car that night. As we carried them to his car, he and I had a good laugh about the chairs that were “dumped.” Not the word I’d use because they came with good intent and thankfully left in the same spirit.  

(featured photo from Pexels)

A Fond Farewell

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“Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.” – Mark Twain

I’ve become entranced with a word lately: inkling.

Inkling according to Merriam-Webster is a slight knowledge or vague notion. It comes from Middle English yngkiling meaning “whisper or mention.”

When I think of the inklings I’ve gotten, they relate to the niggling feeling that something is off. I’ve had inklings about big events like when my business partner told me of my ex-husband’s infidelities and right before I was laid off. Kinda like a surprise party when everyone stops talking to you in advance.

And I get inklings about little things like when one of my kids is about to catch a cold. Something isn’t quite right about how they react or eat food and it sets off the radar.

For me, inklings are closely related to the internal God whispers, those insistent notions that seem Divinely inspired. On a recent morning when I meditated, I had the urgent sense that I needed to reach out to our dear blogging friend, Julia Preston.

Later that day, I discovered that she’d passed away the night before at the age of 85. She hadn’t blogged much after her cancer diagnosis but she’s been present in emails and comments in the last few months.

After I published one of my favorite posts about the words I become entranced with, My Love Affair with Words, Julia jokingly asked what word I associated with her. I had no hesitation before responding “luminescent.” Julia glowed with love and light for all. She faced her diagnosis with that same delightful curiosity about what comes next.

Her last blog post hinted about the light and love we all can (and should) tap into. Julia left us with the question in When We Gonna: “When are we gonna turn the world around with the power of our thoughts? When are we gonna create light instead of dark and love instead of fear?“

Julia was laid to rest yesterday. For anyone who has an inkling to do something in her honor, her favorite causes were St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital and the ASPCA.

RIP, dear Julia. Your light and love remains!

For more about Julia’s profound impact, please see Vicki Atkinson‘s beautiful reminiscence in Collective Gratitude: The Feast Before the Feast

And Julia’s most recent book is available on Amazon: Voices: Who’s In Charge of the Committee in My Head?

(featured photo from Pexels)

Opening Questions

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“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” – Aesop

Recently my daughter, nine-year-old Miss O, and I were at our neighborhood grocery store. When we went through the check out line, Miss O asked the clerk, “How’s your day going?”

The genuine question worked instantly. It was as if a light went on inside the young woman. She answered, “Busy, but in a good way so that the day goes fast.”

Miss O responded, “I like your purple hair.”

It reminded me of a wonderful podcast conversation that Vicki and I recently had with blogger, parent, and social justice advocate, Ab, about finding our people.

Ab tells us the great story of a chance encounter he had with a woman standing next to him and his family in an hour-long line. She led with a query and Ab answered with his trademark humor and openness.

Vicki and I delve into how these encounters can be very different from what we imagine when we genuinely lean into them.

Ab talks about the loneliness epidemic and how the antidote to negative feelings and isolation is connection. While finding your people isn’t always easy, it’s facilitated by having an open-heart.

We explore how sometimes we’re in the prison of our own thoughts and how human connection breaks us out of that loop and facilitates kindness.  

This is such a fascinating episode. I love the kinship we have with Ab. And he’s so good at illustrating how community is where kindness and empathy happens. It’s where we have the opportunity to support each other and create deep relationships.

I’m confident you’ll love the scenic and beautiful places we explore as we share the power of storytelling about finding our people.

We know you’ll love it!

Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts OR Listen to it from your computer on Anchor: Episode 95: Finding Our People with Ab

HoTM Episode 95 transcript

AND subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

Links for this Episode:

Sharing the Heart of the Matter Episode 95 show notes

Ab’s Blog: My life with T

Ab’s post: Hiking Takakkaw Falls and Canoeing Emerald Lake at Yoho National Park

The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community’s 2023 report “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation”  

The Human Library Movement

From the hosts:

Vicki’s book about resilience and love: Surviving Sue; Blog: https://victoriaponders.com/

My book about my beloved father: Finding My Father’s Faith;

(featured photo from Pexels)

Ring a Bell

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“There is within each one of us a potential for goodness beyond our imagining; for giving which seeks no reward; for listening without judgment; for loving unconditionally.” – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I’ve hung a yak bell on the inside handle of my back door for decades. I bought the bell in Nepal when I trekked to Everest base camp so I find it a pleasing sound for many reasons. It’s been useful so that my dogs can signal when they want to go out. Neither Cooper nor Biscuit before him were big barkers so it was pretty easy to train them to ring the bell when they want to go outside.

It’s a lot harder to train them to just do it when they NEED to go out instead of just want to go out. <Squirrel> But hey, I won’t complain about a system that works most of the time for canine to human communication.

Lately, I’ve been noticing that Cooper rings the bell for the cat. That is, if he sees her sitting outside the door wanting to come in, he’ll ring it. Or, if she’s sitting next to him and wants to go out, he’ll ring the bell. When I open the door, he sits back down and doesn’t go outside as if to say, “I’m just doing this for my friend, the cat. Who could do it for herself but doesn’t want to appear trainable.”

Who says chivalry is dead?

My Window Washing Friends

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“A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should.” – anonymous

When we arrived at the place on the Whidbey Island beach that we are staying this week, the windows facing the water needed to be cleaned. Last year when we rented this place for vacation, I didn’t think to wash the windows until the end of the time we were there.

But in the spirit of live and learn, I remember this year on the second day we were here. Luckily, two of my dearest friends, Katie and Eric were with my kids and me on that day and we washed off the salt spray residue together.

I think window washing is one of my new favorite metaphors for friendship. Dear friends are the ones who you allow to see through the most transparent layer. They are the people who help wash your interior windows. Friends as the people who know when your outlook has gotten grimy and apply a good helping of elbow grease to clear it. And who you trust when they say, “Looks good!”

I could run this metaphor into the ground. But I’ll stop there and say how grateful I am for dear friends who make washing windows fun!

Because it’s a great segue to the podcast episode my dear friend, Vicki Atkinson and I did this week. Dr. Stein has become a great friend of the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast so it was so fitting that he came on to share revealing and delightful stories about friendship.

He tells of the three categories of friendship according to Aristotle. And we talk about the investment that it takes to build a platonic relationship with another.

Of course, with investments come payoffs. And Dr. Stein coaches us through how to think about that term when it comes to friendship.

In the course of any lasting relationship, apologies come into play. Dr. Stein tells us some wonderfully illustrative stories about apologies that help to get to the heart of apology.

I’m certain you’ll enjoy the scenic and beautiful places we go when we share the power of story.

We know you’ll love it!

Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts OR Listen to it from your computer on Anchor: Episode 78: The Blessings and Responsibilities of Friendship with Dr. Gerald Stein

AND subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

(featured photo from Pexels)

Links for this episode:

About Friendship⁠ by Dr. Gerald Stein

⁠Becoming Close Friends: A Practical Guide ⁠⁠by Dr. Gerald Stein⁠

⁠Episode 78 post by Vicki Atkinson on Sharing the Heart of the Matter

Dr. Gerald Stein’s Blog: ⁠Dr. Gerald Stein⁠

Other podcast episodes with Dr. Stein:

⁠Episode 60: The Perils of Prediction with Dr. Gerald Stein⁠

⁠Episode 46: Being Your Own Best Friend With Dr. Gerald Stein – Part I⁠

⁠Episode 47: Being Your Own Best Friend With Dr. Gerald Stein – Part II⁠

⁠Episode 37: The Waiting Game with Dr. Gerald Stein⁠

⁠Episode 29: Accidental Philanthropists with Dr. Gerald Stein⁠

⁠Episode 20: The Art of the Interview with Dr. Gerald Stein⁠

From the Hosts:

Vicki’s recently released book: ⁠Surviving Sue⁠

Wynne’s book about her beloved father: ⁠Finding My Father’s Faith⁠

Along For The Ride

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“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love it what makes the ride worthwhile.” – Franklin P. Jones

When Vicki Atkinson first read my book about my beloved father, Finding My Father’s Faith, one of the things she remarked that she loved was the way he described riding on trains when he lived in India.

He was 24 or 25 years old, studying to get a Masters degree from Benares Hindu University. During his school breaks would travel around India third class, sitting on the floor like everyone else, and practicing his Hindi.

I admit I hadn’t thought at length about that aspect of my dad because that was just the guy he was. He didn’t proselytize, mention he was a pastor, or have any agenda – he just liked people. Whether he was golfing, hiking or riding mass transit, my dad enjoyed talking with his fellow travelers in this life.

I mention this because in this week’s podcast, Vicki and I talked with dear friend, marketing man, and creative guru, Eric Knudson about riding the bus.

Eric is a dear friend of mine and a master story-teller. I’ve known Eric for ten years and through the years, he’s regaled me with many stories. I can’t tease out exactly the formula but it’s some combination of his use of humor, timing, and detail that makes him so entertaining to listen to.

He also had the pleasure of knowing my dad and understanding what a whirlwind of energy and good-natured sociability he was.

So in this episode, he brings both his fantastic storytelling and a bit of my dad to a great story about a recent bus ride. It’s hilarious, dramatic, and full of fun. Here’s a sneak peek:

I’m certain you’ll enjoy the scenic and beautiful places we go when we share the power of story.

We know you’ll love it!

Check out the full podcast at: Episode 76: On the Bus with Eric Knudson

(featured photo from Pexels)

Links for this episode:

Vicki’s personal blog: Victoria Ponders

Wynne’s personal blog: Surprised by Joy

Vicki’s recently released book: Surviving Sue

Wynne’s book about her beloved father: Finding My Father’s Faith

The Great Connectors

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“The angel seeing us is watching through each other’s eyes.” – Rickie Lee Jones

Isn’t it interesting when others know us well enough that they have great recommendations of who we should meet? In this case, I’m thinking of author, blogger, and retired teacher, Pete Springer and his uncanny ability to suggest connections.

It’s like being a matchmaker of writers, thinkers, and talkers.

So, in this week’s episode of our podcast, Vicki and I talk with Melanie McGauran, someone Pete fixed us up with. Melanie is a former newspaper reporter and has a beautiful blog, Leavingthedooropen.com.

Melanie tells the story of her friend, doctor and educator, Lissa McKinley. As Lissa goes through her own journey of cancer, it informs her abilities as a doctor, teacher, and humanist.

Melanie tells us of her long friendship with Lissa, starting in all-girls preparatory school, and how she drew inspiration from Lissa both in life and in death.

We talk about how writing helps touch others long after we’re gone, especially when we go through similar experiences.

Melanie tells us about how Lissa’s joy and gratitude rippled out — even more so now that she has shared it with us.

We also get to hear about Melanie’s inspiration as a writer and newspaper reporter, starting with the legacy of her grandparents who were well-known artists.

This is a great episode with a fabulous writer about gratitude, empathy, and connecting with others. Through words, actions, and sometimes even tattoos.

[We had some technical difficulties so you don’t see Vicki in this YouTube clip but you will hear her in the full podcast episode.]

So I know you’ll enjoy the scenic and beautiful places we go when we share the power of story.

We know you’ll love it!

Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts.

And subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

Links for this Episode:

Podcast Friday! Episode 74: Remembering Friends with Melanie McGauran

Melanie’s Blog: Leavingthedooropen.com – Real Storytelling

Saving Lissa – Leavingthedooropen.com by Melanie McGauran – the source post for this episode

A New Me – Leavingthedooropen.com  by Melanie McGauran – a post about getting her tattoo

Vicki’s personal blog: Victoria Ponders

Vicki’s recently released book: Surviving Sue

Wynne’s book about her beloved father: Finding My Father’s Faith

Leadership Lessons From Climbing

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“Great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain

We went to Mt. Rainier this weekend and spent two nights at Paradise Inn, one of the historical National Park Lodges first opened in 1917. It’s has no Wi-Fi connectivity: instead it has this fantastic lobby area where guests can hang out by the fireplaces, listen to ranger talks in the evening, find a majestic wood table and play cards, or post a postcard in the “mail stump” – a huge stump next to the registration desk. The rooms are like tiny postage stamps in which you have to be creative about where to hang your wet clothes.

Paradise Inn is at 5,420 feet and is the entry point for most of the guided climbs. There are many routes up the mountain, but this is the route I took for the times I climbed on Mt. Rainier (summit is at 14,410 feet). That sounds like I did a lot, which is not the case – four climbs, two of which we summitted. But I did spend a lot of time doing training hikes on the paths out of Paradise.

Arriving at Paradise was like plugging myself into a higher voltage circuit. I don’t think I stopped grinning all weekend. So, buckle up for some climbing metaphors….

My friend Eric traveled with us this weekend. He did a fair amount of climbing back in the day as well so between the two of us, we have a fair number of climbing stories.

Leading my kids out for a couple of hikes this weekend reminded me of all the good and bad things about hiking with a group. The path up from Paradise starts out paved. But at this time of year, it was still covered with slushy snow.

Eric had a story about a guy he used to climb with named Dave. Dave was 6’3” with size 13 shoes. Apparently, everyone cheered when Dave was leading because he’d kick in the best steps. When the snow is fresh or icy, the person in the lead does the work to kick in solid steps. It’s like doing two or three stomps with each step. It’s exhausting. But for the rest of the team, if the steps kicked in are nicely spaced and solid, it’s a far easier experience, somewhat akin to climbing a set of stairs.

And that’s just one factor in which the person leading can affect the whole group. Going at a steady pace, not too fast and not too slow, and calling breaks at the right time all help everyone settle into a rhythm. Then there’s also the matter of encouragement.

I remember a practice climb on Mt. Rainier I did years ago when I felt totally spent halfway through. My friend encouraged me to take a break to eat and drink before deciding whether I could continue. He was absolutely right – I was totally fine to continue. Great guides are so good at making this call, knowing who needs to take a break and who needs to turn back. It’s not a one-size-fit-all encouragement train.

And climbers have great phrases to encapsulate the down sides, not that they own them by any stretch. There’s “Embrace the suck” to encourage leaning in when the going is tough. And there’s also the acknowledgement that someone has to carry the poop bucket – literally and metaphorically, our stuff goes with us.

Funny that my happy place is one where all those realities, including the suck, are parts of the experience.

Leading my own little team reminded me that life is better when we kick in steps for others, set a sustainable pace, and get a feel for when to encourage and when to walk alongside others when they need to go down to camp.

(featured photo is mine: Mt. Rainier taken from Paradise)

Related climbing metaphor posts:

Frozen Heart

Guides for Transformation

Finding a Rhythm

Climbing Out of My Gunk

Friendship Brownies

The Return Trip

I’m Glad You’re Here

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“When you love someone the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” – Thich Nhat Hanh

We were sitting in the family room of the small AirBnB cabin we’d rented for President’s Day weekend when I heard my four-year-old son, Mr. D quietly say to my friend, Eric, who had joined us. “I’m glad you’re here.”

It’s a sentiment that I’ve heard both of my children say on different occasions, locations, and to different friends. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad we’re here.

It’s completely unprompted by me and I’ve never noticed them saying it at the moment of arrival. Usually it’s uttered calmly in genuine camaraderie for an adult that has shown up – physically and emotionally.

I find it to be one of the most remarkable compliments a kid can give. After all, at ages eight and four, they aren’t in charge of where we go or who comes along. But when they find the presence of another person to be comforting/fun/engaging/stimulating, they say so. Genuinely.

Upon reflection, it’s another thing my kids are teaching me. To know when I’m happy to be somewhere and in good company, and to express it.

So, dear blogging friends, I’m glad you are here. Thank you for reading.

ON A RELATED NOTE: Vicki Atkinson and I were lucky enough to talk with Edgerton award winning playwright, musician and author, Jack Canfora on the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast episode released today. Part of the conversation is about how our writing is one way we show up. It’s a delightfully fun and interesting episode, please listen! Episode 55: Master Class in Creativity with Jack Canfora Part I. Also, there’s a bonus video clip in that linked post.

Friendship Though the Ages and Stages

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“Well, you can’t make old friends.” – Zadie Smith

Have you thought back to how you survived middle school? I mean, I think it’s safe to assume anyone that is reading this is past the age of 13. I remember that age as being the start of understanding that there was a whole wide world outside of my family and it involved crushes, hopes and dreams, and weird things happening to my body that I didn’t want to talk about with my mom.

Katie. That’s how I made it through middle school. My dearest friend that I’ve known since age seven. She was over at my house yesterday spending time with me, Miss O, Mr. D and Cooper. I list us all out because we all needed time with her.

She reminds me of a line I got from Mark Nepo in the Book of Awakening. In German, the root of the word friendship means place of high-safety. With old friends, I think that might be especially so because they knew us from before we were anything. We had dreams of what we might become, but now that we’ve hit middle life, we’ve cycled through a lot of different ages and stages, and old friends, like Katie have seen it all.

Because to be friends for this long, I don’t think there’s any way to maintain any artifice. We’ve survived the ups and downs of life as well as testing out the waters of how we meet the world. We’ve had to work out whether we are friendly, trustworthy, and kind – and apologize and make amends when we’ve fallen short.

Watching Katie with my family, I realize that there’s an associative property of friendship. That my little ones trust her as much as I do. Probably because they can sense that ease that comes with old friends. Well, that and because Katie is simply amazing – present, smart, funny, kind, and encouraging.

I think back to my naivety and hopefulness in middle school. It was confusing and emotional as we worked out what came next in life. I’m less naïve now as I know that middle life also brings challenges with family, friends, aging, and loss. But I’m still quite hopeful – probably because I’ve been lucky enough to have a Katie, then and now.

(featured photo is me (left) and Katie (right) – maybe in middle school?)