Tag: relationships

In Our Element

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“As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” – Carl Jung

We rented an AirBnB over the weekend that touted bunk beds in the laundry room. Clearly the charm of this place lay in its location on a beach on Whidbey Island. And that it accepted dogs.

Mr. D has been calmed by water since day one. The babies that don’t like their first bath? Nope, not Mr. D. What did we do for at least an hour on his first day of daycare? Play in water.

I watched him this weekend pouring water with a clam shell for thirty minutes from one hole to another and then back. An incredibly long time for a four-year-old to stay with one focus. If it weren’t for the tide coming in, it looked like he would have done it for hours.

I wonder if we all have an element we are born with that calls to us. For Miss O, it seems to be singing. First mine and my mom’s, and now her own.

If given the option between beaches and mountains, I’d say “mountains.” One step onto a hiking trail and my stress level drops by five notches. Every step gives me further improvement in my mental health, resilience, and sense of humor.

But I’ve spent more time on these rugged beaches of the Pacific NW than mountains since I’ve had kids. And I’ve found the beaches remind me to breathe out all the stale air I hold in. Whether it’s because Mr. D has water and Miss O can sing by the campfire, or because I can walk along the sea and the surf, I’m not sure. Whatever it is, it works magic.

Who cares if the bunk beds are in the laundry room if the location puts us in our element?

(featured photo is mine – Mr. D by the sea)

Hurry Scurry Worry

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“Enough is abundance to the wise.” – Euripides

Of the things I think about, time and love have to be the top two topics. Sometimes they are separate thoughts, but often time they are combined in the same thought. Struggling with how to love and appreciate the moment, and the dear ones I’m with, when I’m often in a hurry.

It doesn’t help that June comes with six birthdays of family, including Cooper the dog, and dear friends, including mine in mid-June. That’s always a reminder of time with a “capital T.”

On a recent Sunday morning, I was deep in the vortex of hurry worry. This year, my mom signed Miss O up for a youth choir in a neighborhood church.  Miss O has a lovely voice and it was a fantastic activity for her. My mom managed all the transportation, and even took Mr. D along for some of the practices. All good.

But on the Sundays the choir performed, it was a struggle to both watch Miss O sing and keep Mr. D entertained throughout the service. So, on the particular Sunday morning in question, I came up with the idea that Mr. D and I would walk to the church to expend a little of the morning energy while Miss O went ahead with my mom.

Mr. D and I left with enough time to walk the eight blocks, but not extra. As we were walking, I was feeling the time pressure to get there. Enough so that it prompted me to remember the meditation practice I’ve been working on to not hurry. I said a prayer.

When I told my mom about this later, she asked, “What did you pray for? That Mr. D wouldn’t find anything interesting along the way?”

“No,” I answered. “I prayed that we’d have enough time. Then I enjoyed the walk without looking at the time and it all worked out.”

It’s funny. We can either pray/hope/wish/focus on everything to go right. Or pray/hope/wish/focus on being okay with how things work out. The latter has worked better for me.

For another way to stretch capital T time please listen to our Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast: Episode 69: All You Have to Do Is Ask with Wynne and Vicki

Vicki Atkinson and I are big believers in the power of story – to connect us, to create intergenerational healing, and to make meaning out of the events of our lives. Each episode of our podcast will start with someone telling a story in each episode.

To listen to the podcast, Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts. Or subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

Five Ways to Be a Happier Parent

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“Children are great imitators, so give them something great to imitate.” – unknown

A friend who is pregnant asked if I had any tips. There are so many parenting philosophies and opinions out there. I can’t imagine I have anything to add. Besides, each kid and each parent is so unique.

But I do know what has made me a happier parent.

  1. Finding a way to ground the central nervous system. I remember walking into a room where my kids had spent a happy day hanging out with my brother and his wife. Miss O was about five-years-old and Mr. D was about one-years-old. As soon as they saw me, they started crying and clamoring for my attention.
    It wasn’t that they were unhappy. It’s just that they had spent the longest time away from me so far. I was the lightning rod for the relief they felt after all the bravery and novelty they had experienced.
    Having a way to calm myself – meditation, breathing exercises, time spent in nature – has lessened the overwhelm I feel when my kids need that extra boost.
  2. Understanding that life is a science experiment. One morning when Miss O was about three-years-old, I was trying to get us ready to leave the house to meet my friend, Katie. I found Miss O at the art table where she’d made a huge mess cutting into a squishy into her scissors. I was incredulous, “Why would you do that?”
    When I saw Katie, whose kids are grown, she laughed and said, “Life is a science experiment.” Understanding that has made such a difference to my parenting attitude. We all try things to see what happens next. Sometimes the kids will do this and it messes with my sense of order. But it isn’t personal, just a part of learning.
  3. Following their lead. On a recent Saturday morning, Mr. D and I were out front as he drove a remote control car down the sidewalk. When we were in front of our favorite neighbors’ house, Mr. D said, “Let’s ask them to play.” I demurred, thinking we might bother them, but Mr. D said, “Follow my lead.” I did and my neighbors, a couple in their 70’s were delighted to see us and have a turn to drive the remote control car.
    Dr. Alison Gopnik, a research psychologist at UC Berkley says kids’ neural pathways look like the streets of Old Paris, many, windy paths where you don’t go very fast. They are wired to look for what can teach them the most. On the other hand, our adult brains have neural paths that look like boulevards. Not very many but you can go faster. We are wired for getting things done.
    When we follow kids’ leads, they get us out of our ruts and help us be creative.
  4. Being creative to connect. The early years of parenting can be so isolating. Spending time with other parents who are also overwhelmed, and conversations that are constantly interrupted by attention to little ones often isn’t satisfying. Working, blogging, pursuing one interest that puts you in the path of adults you can connect with has made such a difference.
  5. Accepting that a great and happy parent is perfectly imperfect. I remember walking my dog past a house where a kid was crying when I was pregnant with my first child and thinking, “I’ll never let my kids cry it out.” Hah!
    Giving up the idea that I would be a perfect parent – always calm, with a clean and orderly house, and full of ideas that would keep my kids entertained and screen free – is the best thing I’ve done for myself and them.
    Instead I have come to see that a perfect parent knows if they lose it and yell, they can also show kids how to own it and apologize. And laugh at themselves, and be okay with being flexible with any no screen, all organic, and any other high-minded ideals to do their best for that moment.  

Anything you would add to the list?

(featured photo from Pexels)

I pulled this list from other parenting story posts I’ve told:

Lost and Found People

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“The good road and the road of difficulties, you have made me cross; and where they cross, the place is holy.” – Black Elk, Oglala Lakota Medicine Man

The other day I was sitting at the kitchen table with Miss O. One of the 20-somethings in our lives had just shared with us that she was pregnant and Miss O was so excited.

She asked, “Mommy, how did you tell Nana [my mom] that you were pregnant with me?”

I replied, “Well, it wasn’t that much of a surprise with IVF because she knew I went in to have an embryo implanted. Then 10 days later they did a blood test to determine whether I was pregnant. So I think I called her or I texted her.”

Then she surprisingly asked, “And she was happy?”

Trying to figure out the phrasing, I raised an eyebrow and replied. “She was thrilled.”

And then Miss O revealed why she’d asked like that, “Even though Bumpa [my dad] had just died?”

Oohhh, she was putting together the news with the story that she already knew which is that my dad died just as I was getting pregnant with her.

And then, my not quite 9-year-old daughter, replied, “We are the lost and found people.”

Whoa.

I’ve often thought of those months when I was writing a book about my dad, his remarkable life, our connection, and the reward for being open with him when Miss O was in utero. It felt like a dance between birth and death. I was saying good-bye to having him present in life as I waited for Miss O to come. Such a sacred dance.

But Miss O’s comment about lost and found people made me think that maybe we all are. It seems like many new chapters are ushered in after we’ve given something up: a job, a partner, a story we believe about ourself.

And then, when we’ve given it up, we can proceed. Seems like the trick is not to get mired in the lost, so that we keep working towards the found.

We are the lost and found people. I couldn’t be more grateful to my beautiful daughter for pointing that out.

(featured photo is my dad and me when I was 2-years-old)

My book about my journey to find what fueled my dad’s indelible spark and twinkle can be found on Amazon: Finding My Father’s Faith.

Frozen Heart

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“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched — they must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller

I was digging around in my hiking gear this weekend and came across one of my CamelBak backpacks. Such an amazing concept to carry your water with an attached hose so that you could take a drink without stopping.

CamelBaks came with their own downsides though too. Slow leaks, fast leaks, and the time my friend Jill, had a hose that was stuck open. She kept turning around to try to grab as it sprayed in 360 degrees around.

A guide on Mt. Rainier once told me why they never recommended clients wear them while climbing. It surprised me because staying hydrated is so important to performance. The issue was that on the upper mountain above 10,000 feet, CamelBaks often froze. The result is that a climber ends up carrying an ice block next to their heart. If that happens, it cools blood flowing in and out, sometimes accelerating hypothermia.

That was an aha moment for me. It totally made sense why it would be detrimental to staying warm and having functioning extremities when climbing but I’d never thought of it. And well, you know how I like climbing metaphors. It also works to describe how dangerous it is to hold some things close to the heart. In my case, I’m thinking how anger, blame, guilt, shame, or fear reduce my overall warmth if I carry them around.

For better or for worse, what we hold next to the heart affects everything that’s pumped out.

(featured photo is mine of our group leaving the 17,160 foot summit of Mt. Ixtaccihuatl, October, 2000)

A Full-Circle Story

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“Be kind to yourself and share it with the world.” – unknown

The other day I opened my door to an older gentleman who was going door-to-door on behalf of Greenpeace. Let’s call him John. He was warm and friendly and told me he’d grown up in this neighborhood and named the elementary school he attended.

As we were talking about plastic in the ocean, he mentioned that he’d just been talking to a neighbor. She wanted to subscribe for an annual payment. She knew she’d remember to do it because the day he came by was her birthday.

Clearly this neighbor had made an impact on his day. He went on to explain that she and her husband invited him in to sit down as they did the paperwork. It gave him some rest for his aching knees.

I hazarded a guess based on the story he’d told me, “Was it Donna and Bruce?”

“Yes,” he laughingly confirmed even though they are two streets away. There are about 25 houses per block in this neighborhood so he must have knocked on about 50 doors between my house and theirs.

So, I told him the story about how I met Donna and Bruce one evening about four years ago. It was early on in the pandemic and my daughter was doing on-line Kindergarten. I was trying to optimize her desk situation. Someone up the street had put a great kids desk out on the curb to give away. I was trying to carry it home with my 5-year-old daughter, my 6-year-old neighbor, and my 1-year-old son in tow.

And then Donna, who I’d never met before, offered to step in and help. Her delightful spirit is just one of the reasons she’s one of my favorite people to run into in the neighborhood.

[The next time I saw Donna after my conversation with John, the Greenpeace guy, I told her that how John told me the story of how her warmth and kindness had made such a difference to him. It was so fun to see her reaction to one of the many touchpoints of positive impact she must deliver in a day.]

After John, the Greenpeace guy left, my kids and I went out for a walk. We came across him sitting on a garden wall on the next street over resting his aching knees. Because of the stories we’d shared, it felt like he was an old friend. We sat down for a moment and chatted with him before we all moved on, still connected by the thread of narrative.

For a story about an a-ha moment Vicki had as a child about the roots of her dad’s big heart, please listen to our Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast: Episode 67: Love the Ones That are Different with Vicki and Wynne

Vicki Atkinson and I are big believers in the power of story – to connect us, to create intergenerational healing, and to make meaning out of the events of our lives. Each episode of our podcast will start with someone telling a story in each episode.

To listen to the podcast, Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts. Or subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

The Most Important Work

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“Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.” – C. S. Lewis

Sometimes I think Hallmark has it backwards. Take Mother’s Day for example. My kids didn’t do anything to choose me. I, on the other hand, took a very intentional path to become a mom.

From the realization that I wanted to have kids later in life because I cried whenever I saw Princess Kate pregnant with her oldest child nine years ago, to deciding to do it without a partner (for now), then through IVF three times (I had one miscarriage), I made very deliberate choices to parenthood. I couldn’t be more grateful that I’m a mom.

Here’s the top three reasons why:

I’m so much healthier

You didn’t know me before I had kids. I didn’t write in the period of life when I was numbing my feelings with wine every night. Meditation changed that pattern so that I had a different way to irrigate my irritations.

But having kids has given me so much more practice. That’s a funny sentence. I didn’t mean that they give me many more irritations to irrigate but on some days that’s true too.

Mostly I meant that these beautiful and honest beings have shown me what emotional honesty is. By helping them name their emotions, I’ve learned how to name and feel mine too.

Every day is an adventure

I’m a creature of habit. Without kids, I’d have likely continued my pattern – hike every Saturday, do a big trip every two years. Like my trips to Everest Base Camp, climbing the Via Ferrata routes in the Dolomites, or biking from Vermont to Canada to New York – great trips that totaled about two weeks out of every 104.

But with kids – every day is an adventure of curiosity and learning. We rescue bunnies, dig in the dirt, ride bikes, or sell lemonade. I’m learning to be flexible and adventurous on a daily basis instead of a bi-annual one.

Big messy love

Parenting is the messiest form of love I’ve known. Not just sticky hands and faces but so much laundry, picking up detritus, territorial incursions because of changing boundaries, and spilled over spats between siblings.

But it seems to me, that the messiness that makes it stick like Velcro instead of slide off like a glossy surface. It’s proof that nobody is perfect any we love each other anyway. The repetitiveness reminds me how many chances we have to get it right. Over and over we make a mess. And over and over we get to come together and make it right.

The news has all sorts of stories about what isn’t working in this world. But then a day like Mother’s Day comes around and I look at all the people who are trying their best to love wholeheartedly – with young kids, and old kids, and/or other people’s kids. For me it’s a celebration that love wins.

Going to the Next Level

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“I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly.” – R. Buckminster Fuller

We are coming to the end of our school year. 28 more school days in third grade for Miss O. And 50 days until Mr. D graduates from his preschool program. Do you remember that feeling as a kid? Being not only ready for summer break but also ready to ascend to that next level?

It has me thinking of what milestones we have in our lives as grown-ups that celebrate our readiness to go on to the next level. There are some big ones like becoming an empty-nester or retirement. Or we have annual ones like birthdays, anniversaries, and New Years. But often, I find myself at those moments planning on what I’m going to do next instead of commemorating what I’ve learned.

Let me suggest that we take a moment to bring back that feeling of finishing a school year. To actually name something we’ve graduated from and celebrate it. I’ll start:

I’ve come to believe that I am enough. Or at least to understand that pretending to be someone else is ineffective. So if a situation or expectations make me feel otherwise, I try to slow enough to double-down on being me long enough to get through.

And by graduating, I don’t mean being done. It brings to mind another graphic from Miss O’s 3rd grade teacher:

It seems fitting on this last day of teacher appreciation week to honor our teachers by naming what we’ve learned. Are you with me? If you are stuck, maybe visit the list from Pick Three Affirmations to find a place to start.

(featured photo from Pexels)

For a story about the circle of life, please listen to our Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast: Episode 66: The Power of Story with Wynne and Vicki.

We are changing our format starting with this episode. Vicki Atkinson and I are big believers in the power of story – to connect us, to create intergenerational healing, and to make meaning out of the events of our lives. To set the stage, we will be starting with someone telling a story in each episode.

To listen to the podcast, Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts. Or subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

Guides for Transformation

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‘‘Understand that the hardest times in life to go through are when you are transforming from one version of yourself to another.” – Mysticool

This post was originally published on 3/29/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

It’s something that I’ve found again and again in life – when I need to transform, someone or something shows up to be the catalyst. The Universe sends me a guide in some form or another. Here are some of my favorite examples:

When I was bored after a break-up with a boyfriend and I drove around a corner and Mt Rainier was squarely in my view. It started my amateur climbing career.

After I suffered from being stuck and closed down for a couple of years after my divorce, I received an invitation for a mediation class from my friend, Deirdre.

In my 40s when I was working out what was next in life, I would see images of the English Duchess Kate and start to cry. It totally unnerved me since I wasn’t much of a royal watcher and had eschewed having a family until then. And then I finally realized that I wanted to have kids.

I haven’t known all my guides. For example, researcher and author Brené Brown has been my guide towards being vulnerable and whole-hearted simply through the act of reading her books and listening to her.

As my meditation teacher, Deirdre says – transformation is what we need to be our best selves. Yes, it involves change but our spirits are wired to keep growing and finding the balance of all we can be when we need to evolve or simply have gone too far in one direction.

For me this goes in waves, I’ve changed my body to become a mountain climber only to find after years of doing that, my mind and soul needed to also get in shape through meditation. That change helped me open to understanding it was time for me to become a parent. And then I transformed almost completely to become a parent only to find as my kids age, it’s time to transform again to someone who remembers she has an individual, alive part that needs to dance too.

Perhaps this goes without saying, but the other part that I’ve noticed is that I don’t always get the message the first time. When I ignore the call, sometimes it builds into a crisis. In climbing terms, it goes from being a part of a team with a guide at the front to a rescue where I have to flail at the end of the rope.

Some of these changes are inspired from within and feel like evolution. Others come from the outside with disappointment and heart break and feel like erosion. However it comes, I’ve found it easier to take when I bow my head, put aside my opinion on whether I want it or not, and then look for guides.

Because I’ve found is that the Universe hasn’t left me to do this alone. It sends a guide or a catalyst to kick off the reaction. If you don’t believe in any Higher Power, I think that statement could also be cloaked in social learning theory – that all the people around us are walking advertisements for what we can be next. Whichever it is you believe, my experience has shown me that the guide may or may not be in our lives for the duration but they show up to help us over the threshold to what’s next.

(featured photo from Pexels)

Great Teachers

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“Those who know, do. Those who understand, teach.” – Aristotle

Last week when I was dropping off Mr. D at his pre-school, I heard one of the teachers in his class encouraging a little girl who was starting potty training. In a class with 20 kids aged three to five, and three teachers, it surprised me that they could tackle potty training as well. I thought all the kids did this in the younger classes before ascending. Hats off to teachers who teach skills, mold social behaviors, and tend emotions as well. And I’m not just talking about teachers for kids.

It’s teacher appreciation week in our schools this week. So I am pulling together some lessons I’ve learned from the amazing teachers in my life.

Call and Response

In Mr. D’s preschool classroom, whenever a teacher says, “Holy Moly,” the kids answer, “Guacamole” and it gets their attention. It makes me think of how effective it is to train some automatic responses.

Fall! Or Falling! is called in climbing when someone is falling and others need to try to anchor a fall. It’s intended to get an immediate reaction to drop down and arrest. When trained well, no one stops to look around to find out what’s happening before they act – it’s action first and assessment after.

It’s Going to Be Great is a phrase my dad used to say when we were early on in the envisioning and creation stages of a project. When I say this to myself like he used to say to me, especially when working on a project, it gives me a shot of confidence to overcome the self-doubt.

Calm the Body to Facilitate Learning

My friend, Katie, does some specialized tutoring with kids. In her teaching space, she has a wobbly chair that allows kids to bounce, stuffies for hiding, and games. Her thoughtful approach gives a nod to the conditions in which we learn as much as the content.

It reminds me of the classes I’ve taken from my meditation teacher, Deirdre. We never go straight to sitting in meditation, it’s a series of exercises to help us drop-in to a calm and receptive state.

Vicki Atkinson has written about the snacks she kept when she was a professor. Minds can’t learn when the body is screaming for something.

Nonetheless, I often forget this when I sit down to learn a new technology. I’m on the clock and then get right to it as if I can just think myself ready. But soon enough, I’ll find myself frustrated and pacing. The body wins sooner or later to get its part in learning.

Portable Lessons

My dad liked to talk about making his sermons portable. Something people could take away with them as they walked through life and unpack when needed. I can think of several examples that are take-aways from great teachers:

Keep small things small: Miss O’s second grade teacher had this catch phrase to remind kids not to let mistakes or distractions take away from the bigger point.

Is it a window or a mirror?: This question from Miss O’s third grade teacher is a writing lesson. Writing can be a window for experiences others haven’t shared. Or it can be a mirror when we write about something familiar that is an opportunity for readers’ self-reflection.

Parked in my small space: This phrase from my meditation teacher, Deirdre, has transformed my awareness of when I’m feeling small and closed. When I’m working from my small space, my reactions are often guarded, judgmental, or defensive. Awareness has given me the choice to stop, take a deep breath, and try to shift into my more expansive and curious mode.

So hats off to all the teachers in this world. Thank you for bringing your mind, body, and spirit to the job so all of us can grow and learn!

(featured photo from Pexels)