I Believe You

Posted in loveTagged , , , , , , , ,

A few weeks ago as I was making dinner, feeding the animals, and trying to fit in one more work task, my eleven-year-old daughter said something surprising. “I don’t have any friends.” As the person who sits next to where her Apple Watch charges, I wanted to counter with how often her watch buzzes with texts and phone calls.

But parenting has taught me the power of believing people when confess how they feel.

It started with my kids when they were toddlers and told me they had an owie. I believed them. Seeing the curative effect, I learned to extend it to accepting that when someone says they are lonely, scared, happy, hurting, or whatever else they may be feeling, that it’s true.

It doesn’t have to be objectively true or even true over time. But taking what they say at face value for that moment has turned out to be a good place to start.

When I can do it, that is. It’s often inconvenient to believe people when they tell you how they feel. The other night in order to really listen to my daughter it meant having to pause dinner prep, close my laptop, and tell the pets to wait.

In other cases, it sometimes means having to change plans. Or even more disruptive, adjusting a perception of their lives in relation to mine. I have to stop being a fixer because some of the utility of talking people out of their feelings is so that you don’t have to fix it.

On the flip side, I’ve seen the power of being believed. It removes any defensiveness because there is no need to prove the statement. And it often shares the weight of the load. It eases the path because the person who is believed doesn’t have to add feeling unheard to their burden.

Simply for me, it’s moved me from listening with my head to relating with my heart. It opens moments of connection.

Which was the case with my daughter. When I asked her to tell me more about her friends, we figured out that sense showed up because the friend who she was eating second lunch with had a schedule change and was moved to first lunch. My daughter was feeling the loss.

Feelings are sometimes hard to nail down. Finding people who believe you shouldn’t be so hard.

(featured photo from Pexels)

If my work has encouraged, inspired, or helped you try something new, consider supporting it with a small “cup of coffee” donation. Your support helps me keep creating conversations, stories, and resources that cheer people on as they do brave, meaningful work.

You can find me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wynneleon/ and Instagram wynneleon

59 thoughts on “I Believe You”

  2. This was a great post and great point about when someone feels heard or believed (for what they feel at face value) it does drop defensiveness – and helps processing and bonding etc

    Oh and hope your daughter finds a great group or person to enjoy lunch with

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. Oh, that’s a tough one for Miss O. The lunch routine has definitely shifted during middle school and can feel so hard when a friend is suddenly not there. We’re going through something similar with T where they now have to sit with kids from their class, and so he can’t sit with his friends from last year and he’s feeling the effect. It’s a good thing you have an open ear to listen to Miss O and that makes a huge difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  4. The Apple Watch detail really landed for me — how easy it is to reach for evidence that contradicts what a child just said, instead of sitting with the feeling itself. I also liked the toddler “owie” thread, because it shows this is not a new skill for older kids; it is the same practice, just with bigger feelings attached. Asking “tell me more” instead of fixing it, and finding out it was really about a second-lunch schedule change, is such a clear example of how a small logistical loss can feel like a much bigger social one at eleven. Pausing dinner and closing the laptop sounds inconvenient, and that is exactly why it mattered.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. Thanks, Wynne. That’s really helpful. Having spent my working life learning something of that skill (probably without realising it) dealing with children I’m now finding that it’s an equally necessary skill when relating to friends with dementia. Having been brought up to believe that ‘facts’ are important, the need for empathy is sometimes more important.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Such an interesting comment about how you’re seeing this on the other end of the age spectrum now. I know from your writing that you are very good at listening — so important. Thanks, Malcolm!

      Like

      Reply

  8. “…moved me from listening with my head to relating with my heart…”

    Thank you Wynne for this precious reminder of the 4 letter word that spells love to a child … TIME

    Keep Looking Up ^ … His Best is Yet to Come!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  9. Kids are very black/white with little grey areas and in the moment. Even though your kids are more emotionally aware and mature, they’re still kids, so their brains are still forming. It’s a good thing that you learned to just listen and to validate. Once they’re validated they can start to look at the bigger picture or even possible solutions. Listening makes a big difference and when they get to be teenagers and young adults they will continue to come and talk if they know they will be listened to. The grand twins are 19, in college and choose to come to their mom and myself to talk things through because they know we listen and don’t jump in right away with solutions. We listen to their ideas of how to handle things and give our feedback on those or ask them further questions to help them see the best way for them.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

      1. I see relationships with kids as being a lifelong thing and not just for 18 years. Transitioning from an adult/child relationship into adult/adult takes work but also being open and accepting of them. They feel it.

        Like

  10. Aww. Hugs to Miss O.

    At that age, a change like that can just disrupt everything. When I moved to Canada at age 9, my bestie from England cried every day for weeks. Her dad told me years later that he told her “You’ll find another friend.” She replied, “I don’t want another friend, I want Michelle.” Maybe her dad needed to read your post before commenting. 😂

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  16. This is such an important lesson, Wynne. Tara doesn’t like birthdays and would always bemoan turning another year older. I used to give her a hard time, being eight years her senior, but then I realized doing that was invalidating her feelings. Just because I’m older doesn’t give me the right to say “49 is nothing! I wish I were turning that age! Wait ’til you’re 57!” I am much more supportive now (even if I still cringe inside, lol).

    But WAIT A SECOND. I now you turned comments off on your last post, but when you say you trick-or-treated at Dave Matthews’ house, do you mean the Dave Matthews? The “Crash Into Me” and “Ants Marching” Dave Matthews? Or is this some random Dave Matthews in accounting?

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Oh, that’s such a great example. It’s so funny how easy it is to do that. And you are a delightful husband.

      Yes – THAT Dave Matthews. (not the one in accounting) Can you believe he lives in a normal house on a normal street near Greenlake and answers his door for trick or treaters? Check your email.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  17. This is beautiful, Wynne. I still remember some of those childhood feelings where something minor felt as if the world were collapsing. That must have been so validating and comforting for Miss O to have you listen and believe her.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  20. The reminder to move from listening with our heads to relating with our hearts is so powerful. It’s so easy to want to ‘fix’ things right away, but simply believing them changes everything. Thanks for sharing this wonderful wisdom, Wynne!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  24. this. – ‘On the flip side, I’ve seen the power of being believed. It removes any defensiveness because there is no need to prove the statement. And it often shares the weight of the load. It eases the path because the person who is believed doesn’t have to add feeling unheard to their burden.
    Simply for me, it’s moved me from listening with my head to relating with my heart. It opens moments of connection.’ you are so right

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  27. I can understand why it would be so tempting to prove her statement wrong, good work listening instead to find out what was giving your daughter the feeling she had no friends. Lunch group changes as a pre-teen can really upset routines. Hope she finds there are other nice friends (or soon to be friends) at second lunch.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  28. This is one area I wish I had navigated better when my kids were growing up. I was more of a “it’s not that bad”, “come on, let me show you how to power through” parent, thinking that I was helping. You are so perceptive with your kids. I still need to learn to listen and not try to be a fixer. Thanks for the message.

    Like

    Reply

Leave a Reply