Tag: love

5 Things I Wish For You Today

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“Peace is not something you wish for; It’s something you make, Something you do , Something you are, And something you give away.” – John Lennon

1. A moment where your heart touches the heart of another.

2. At least one belly laugh that, in the best case, makes it so you can’t breathe for a split second.

3. The calm feeling that you are okay right here and right now.

4. Something unexpected that creates a ripple of knowing that magic exists.

5. An experience where you notice the sun on your skin, the rain on your face, or the wind at your back.

I wrote this as a list of what I wished for my eight-year-old and four-year-old kids on Christmas day. Then I realized that it was what I wanted for myself on Christmas day. Finally, it dawned on me that this is a an everyone on every day kind of list.

(featured photo from Pexels)

The Mirror of Love

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“Spend time with people who are good for your mental health.” – unknown

This week I was up on a ladder trying to hang some extra Christmas lights when eight-year-old Miss O walked in the room and said with a laugh, “I don’t like this lip gloss. It’s all over my teeth. Want to come down and see?”

I launched into a laundry list of things on my to-do list that precluding me pausing to see lip gloss on teeth. She laughed again and repeated something I told her the other day when she was frustrated with her Xmas gift making. “You’re a Leon. We expect to get things done. We experience stress when that doesn’t happen as quickly as we’d like.”

Then she brought me a hand strengthener and a stress ball to take my frustrations out on.

Isn’t it funny that we need other people to repeat our own observations back to us? My on-going battle is that my ideas of what I can accomplish, and the time I have available, are forever mismatched. I’m aware of it and yet I’m still like a fly against the window, bumping against it over and over again. Every once in a while, I’ll have a miraculous day where I feel like I accomplished what I set out to do.

But mostly, I just spend a lot of time practicing letting go of the list to be present. My kids help me do that. A lot.

Preserving Kindness

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“Decency doesn’t require one to be a human sacrifice.” – Dr. Gerald Stein

This post was originally published on 1/18/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

When I was a sorority girl in college, we all took turns on phone duty – answering the house phone lines, paging girls, or taking messages when calls came in. But in the January of 1989, it wasn’t just guys calling for dates, we had a lot of calls coming in from journalists who wanted pictures of a girl who had been in our sorority in the 1970’s.

Florida was about to executive Ted Bundy and one of his claimed victims was Georgannn Hawkins, a young woman who had been a Theta at the University of Washington. The way I heard the story was that she was studying for spring term finals with her boyfriend who was a Beta. She’d left the Beta fraternity house, which was on the same block as our sorority about 5 or 6 houses down, about midnight one early June night and walked down the well-lit alley that ran behind our houses. She’d gotten her keys into the back door of the Theta house when Ted Bundy had approached her with a ruse to help him put his books in his car.

We never gave out the photo to the journalists that called but I was curious enough to go downstairs in the sorority to find the picture of Georgann Hawkins. A really pretty girl with lustrous brown hair parted in the middle. A young woman who died after she was willing to help someone else.

I remember this being hard to take in at 19-years-old. That kindness, something that was so highly prioritized in my home growing up, could be preyed upon in such an awful way.

Now more than 30 years later, I have all sorts of examples of kindness gone wrong. Listening to the news gives plenty, as does personal experience for me, my friends and family, although thankfully none so dramatic. After all, statistically speaking it is unlikely that we or our loved ones will die at the hands of a serial killer. But pretty likely we all will cross paths with sociopaths, narcissists, scammers, or hustlers.

But even so, kindness is still reported to be pervasive. When the University of Sussex conducted the largest in-depth study on kindness in 2021 that one of the findings was “Three-quarters of people told us they received kindness from close friends or family quite often or nearly all the time. And when we asked about the most recent time someone was kind to them, 16% of people said it was within the last hour and a further 43% said it was within the last day. Whatever people’s age or wherever they lived, kindness was very common.”

Studies have shown that being kind increases our well-being. People who volunteer live 20-40% longer. Kindness, whether on the giving or receiving end, helps us to report higher levels of well-being.

So how do we stay kind? Turns out there’s a strong link between setting boundaries and being able to be compassionate and empathetic. When we know what we can and cannot do, and communicate what is and is not okay for us, it seems we can refill our tanks more easily because we’re not wasting energy doing things that we know are not okay for us.

“I was recently struggling with a boundary issue (yes, still) and I told my therapist that I refuse to go back to saccharine – that I like solid better. Before I really understood how impossible it is to be compassionate to myself or others when people are taking advantage of me and when I’m prioritizing being liked over being free. I was much sweeter but less authentic. Now I’m kinder and less judgmental. But also firmer and more solid. Occasionally salty.”

Brené Brown in Atlas of the Heart

That testament from Brené Brown as well as the story of Georgann Hawkins makes sense to me. I’m much freer to go out of my way to be kind when I’m doing it for the right reasons and in a way that doesn’t go against my intuition.

From personal experience I can say this – my desire to be kind has survived some difficult situations because it’s part of the open way that I want to meet the world. I’ve learned that kindness is its own reward in its ability to frame hopeful and inspiring outcomes. But if we meet in an alley, I probably won’t offer to carry your books.

I’ve published a related post on the Wise & Shine blog: Six Reasons Giving is Good for You.

(featured photo from Pexels)

One Less Thing To Worry About

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“Learning without reflection is a waste. Reflection without learning is dangerous.” – Confucius

I don’t think of myself as a very controlling person. Every once in a while, my mind wakes me up in the middle of the night to laugh at that statement.

This weekend my kids spent the night at my brother and sister-in-law’s. I like to chalk the anxiety I experienced in advance of that to the fact that they live on a boat and four-year-old Mr. D doesn’t yet know how to swim.

But is it that really?

Then I came across this quote and felt it fit like a glove:

“Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.”

Maya Angelou

Raising my kids is the single most important thing I do. I want to live long enough to see them happily reach adulthood. Fortunately, there is no indication of anything health wise that will cut that short. If all goes well, I’ll be 68 years old when Mr. D graduates from high school and so far I’m managing the creaking joints and other travails that come with age.

But taking a day away from my kids reminded me that they can survive without me. I hope that isn’t ever the case.  But my mind can rest at ease because I’ve been reminded they are surrounded by others who love them and care for them as well.

A Little Puff of Laughter

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“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” – Mark Twain

The other day I was on a Teams video meeting with a colleague and he burst into laughter. “I cannot take you seriously with that pen,” he howled!

I was taking notes with a ball point pen with a puff ball top with absolutely no awareness that I’d picked it up. I’d plucked it out of the puppy’s mouth just minutes before when I found that he’d stolen it. Well, I removed it only after I took a picture, of course!

When I told my colleague this, we both started laughing so hard that we were crying. And I realized that I missed this facet of face-to-face meetings. Not the crying – but the laughing.

It seems that when I spend my times zooming (pun intended) from one virtual meeting to the next, one of the things that is lost is the chit chat and laughter of in-person meetings. Perhaps I’m just racing to get it done and get off the computer, but I also think we miss the physical cues of humor.

Like the time I was sitting with a colleague in a client’s conference room and was kicking my foot. I inadvertently hit the up/down lever on my colleagues chair and it lowered by a foot. He turned and said, “You trying to take me down a notch?”

Laughter, warmth, listening require extra care when we’re virtual. I need that reminder so I’m keeping my fuzzy pen by my computer to wave every once in a while and laugh!

The Superhero In Us All

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“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” – Aesop

This was originally published on 6/1/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

My kids have been watching a lot of Superman at my house. I’m talking about the 1978 movie with Christopher Reeve, Magot Kidder and Gene Hackman. I love it because it brings me back to when I was nine-years-old and saw it the first time. Back when they did all the credits at the beginning – remember that?

Gene Hackman plays the bad guy Lex Luthor. And as insensitive as he is to the loss of human life and calculating in his plans to get what he wants, he seems perfectly rational in his selfish pursuit of wealth and notoriety as the greatest criminal mind of the time. He even seems quite erudite as he reads newspapers, has a library full of books and even responds using the German “Jawohl” to respond with an enthusiastic yes to a statement.

This is the model of a bad guy that I grew up with. Someone with nefarious intentions but logical methods. Life has taught me that there is another type of bad guy – one who seems to reacts out of pain and hatred in a way that seems so pointless. And when I use the term “bad guy,” I intend it in a universal way that is not gender specific. Faye Dunaway plays a good female “bad guy” in the Supergirl movie from 1984.

Given my career and lifestyle, I will probably never meet a Lex Luthor. But the other type of bad guy is someone who lives in and among our communities. Someone who has interactions with others that influences whether or not they feel seen, heard or loved. Someone who, maybe from a very young age, can benefit from others taking a step to make them feel included or respected.

The poet Mark Nepo has a beautiful description of our world as a great wheel. We share a common center, our lives create all the different spokes and the integrity of the wheel overall depends on the health of those spokes. When we open ourselves up to whatever inspires each of us to beauty, transcendence and inclusion, we have the opportunity to shine the light for others because we are all connected.

Thinking back to how to ground myself in this work, I think of this quote from Elie Wiesel:

But where was I to start? The world is so vast, I shall start with the country I know best, my own. But my country is so very large. I had better start with my town. But my town too, is large. I had best start with my street. No: my home. No: my family. Never mind, I shall start with myself.

Elie Wiesel

The little things we do – a pause to let someone cut in traffic, or a smile passing someone on the street or a silent prayer of blessing for someone who is struggling, these are kindnesses that start in our hearts and touch all those around. The smallest nod to acknowledge that the person in front of us exists has impact.

Be nice to the 38 year old in your Freshman lecture and be nice to people at the gym. Those people are putting themselves in extreme anxiety-inducing situations in attempt to try to better themselves. Just a smile or a quick conversation can mean so much.

unknown

We might need Superman to fight the Lex Luthors of the world. But we all have a chance to touch others who may or may not become bad guys based on the path they walk among us. And we all have a chance to touch others who may or may not become great guys based on the peace and support passed to them. It starts small: be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

What are the small acts that have inspired or passed peace to you?

I’ve published a related piece on Wise & Shine: What Is It You Plan To Do With Your One Wild and Precious Post?

(featured photo from Pexels)

Waiting for a Break

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“We learn how to be resilient and handle difficult things by PRACTICING dealing with difficult things.” – Tina Payne Bryson

We went to our favorite beach on Whidbey Island this weekend. We rented an AirBnB that allowed dogs so it was our puppy, Cooper’s, first vacation.

The weather was really blustery. After a particularly stormy week in the Seatle area, there was driftwood all over the beach. When my son, four-year-old Mr. D and my friend, Eric, went down to the beach, Mr D busied himself throwing huge pieces of wood into the water. And by huge, I mean almost as big as he is.

When Eric remarked on this, Mr. D turned to him and said, “I can do hard things.”

Here’s the thing about that. Every day for the ten days preceding the vacation, I’d sent Mr. D to school with a note. In the note, it counted down how many sleeps until vacation, explained that we had to go to school/work in order to be able to go on vacation, and ended with the sentence, “We can do hard things.”

Normally Mr. D doesn’t need coaxing to go to school. But coming off of some crud he caught at Thanksgiving, and the dark and stormy days of the last couple of weeks, it felt like he was tired. You know that deep, soul-level tired where even after good night’s sleep it feels like you are exhausted.

Of course, Mr. D cannot yet read but he carried the note with him anyway. He didn’t say much about it. But I knew he was paying attention because the note started ripping in places because it’d been opened and refolded so many times.

Sometimes we have to push through to earn a break. And I’m incredibly heartened to know that when we do, it builds the confidence that “We can do hard things.”

Fatherly Wisdom

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“I cannot do all the good that the world needs, but the world needs all the good that I can do.” – Jana Stanfield

I met a friend when I was in my 20’s who summed up his dad’s advice to him:

  1. Always buy the best tires you can afford
  2. Never buy a cheap garden hose
  3. Buy tools with a lifetime guarantee

I marveled upon hearing that about how straightforward that fatherly advice was. Because my dad’s advice was a lot more ephemeral – not surprising given his profession as a Presbyterian pastor.

Jane Fritz of the Robby Robin’s blog recently asked what my dad would say about answering the big questions and challenges of our time: war, climate change, inequality. If you haven’t read her incredible post, Profound questions, seeking our attention and deserving action that builds on Rose’s wonderful and thought-provoking post Meaningful Intelligent Conversations, please do.

Our exchange reminded me of three pieces of advice from my dad, Dick Leon:

  1. Do the next right thing: This is a continual instruction, not a one time thing. Do the right things to make this planet a better place to live in whatever way that you can and according to your passions. Stand up for those that have been treated unfairly. Be kind. Take action on the social issues that are meaningful. Do all that you can to work, support, and encourage a better planet.

    The Dick Leon approach was not to play it safe either. Over the years he worked for Civil Rights, on behalf of Russian citizens during the Cold War, and at the end of his life he was working on land rights for peaceful Palestinian Christians in the West Bank. Most of those issues got him in trouble with some factions of his congregations and his life.
  2. Be cheerful about it: My dad often said that doing the right thing often means doing the hard thing. He recognized that it wasn’t/isn’t easy. So his instruction to be cheerful was two-fold. First, do what you can, and be happy about it. Because if you’re gritting your teeth every step of the way, it’s not sustainable. 

    The second part is that when you are in the groove of doing what you can cheerfully, you attract other people to the cause. Even if they don’t agree, others are more likely to engage in conversation with someone who appears not to already be irritated. Hence how my dad managed controversial topics within a church congregation of varying viewpoints.

    Cheerfulness is not synonymous with toxic positivity. Some of the issues my dad advocated didn’t work out. Others took a long time. My dad’s definition of cheerfulness was what one can do with a happy heart.
  3. When you’ve done all that you can, give up the rest to God: Or a higher power or whatever thing bigger than yourself that you believe in. This was my dad’s way of not worrying about the stuff that was outside of his control. Less energy spent on anxiety equals more energy for doing the next right thing.

I envied my friend from my 20’s for the simplicity of a list of dad advice. But now that I’m middle-aged, appreciate my father’s wisdom more. I believe his list is the reason that I’m still paraphrasing him almost a decade after he died. I’m not sure my dad had any awareness of his impact beyond his lifetime. But I think his advice guaranteed that he did have impact because it was the way he created legacy with his actions every day.

It’s harder to check off things from my dad’s list. But when I follow it, I find great comfort. And cheerfulness, of course!

(featured photo is mine: Dick Leon, on a Dia de los Muertos ofrenda)

For another great list, please listen to Dr. Gerald Stein on the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast talk about Being Your Own Best Friend. Dr. Stein comes through with such wisdom and warmth as he provides some great tips for living our best lives.

Speaking of Meditation…A Note of Self-Awareness

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“To meditate means to go home to yourself. Then you know how to take care of things that are happening inside of you, and you know how to take care of the things that happen around you.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Recently eight-year-old Miss O has chosen to do some meditation in the bedroom while I’m reading to four-year-old Mr. D. Since the bedtime routine could use any injection of calm possible, I’m all for it.

The first night she tried it, she’d sat for about 90 seconds. Then she popped up and said as she walked by me, “Do things you’ve forgotten to do pop into your mind when you meditate?”

“Hello, have you met the inside of my brain?” I wanted to quip.

On the second night she tried, she sat for about five minutes before joining Mr. D and me in our little reading nook. When Mr. D started a little shoving, she calmly said something like, “Oh, I’m so glad I meditated because otherwise I’d be all [switch to impatient and angry voice] ‘Mr. D, cut it out. You are being so awful.’ “

I had to look away to hide my grin. Congratulations to Miss O for managing in one sentence to be smug about her practice, self-aware of what she shouldn’t say, and say it anyway. Goodness knows I’ve been guilty of all three so my chuckle was both knowing and self-deprecating.

[Note to self: spiritual practices usually work better when they come with keeping the heart open and the mouth shut.]

(featured photo from Pexels)