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Being Difficult

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“There will never be an “us” if I play small.” – Sharon Preiss

Last Monday when Miss O, Mr. D, and I were getting ready for bike camp, nine-year-old Miss O was dragging her feet. She had a ton of “problems” that were blocking her: she couldn’t find shoes, Cooper the dog was in her way, her helmet was missing one unicorn ear, she didn’t remember the route we usually use to go down to the lake, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I turned to her and said, “You are being difficult.”

She replied, “I am.” And then added, “I wish I could tell you when you are being difficult too.”

To which I replied, “Please do. But I’d especially love to know when I’m being difficult when others are trying to be helpful and supportive or if it’s when you all are dragging your feet.”

I’ve been troubled by this conversation ever since. In fact, I’m finding it hard to write about. Here’s my best guess at why.

I think I’m starting to experience the generational BS that women in my family pass down. And it’s so ingrained and insidious, I’m not even doing it intentionally.

“You are being difficult.” It’s like code for saying that I expect her to fall in line and be agreeable. To be flexible and accommodating like a young woman.

To be fair, she was being difficult. It’s just that the word hits a note of a gender stereotype that I’ve tried to avoid my whole life. I had no intention of passing it on. Then it slipped out of my mouth.

I’m naturally pretty agreeable. But inheriting the expectations of how a woman should behave has kept me from speaking up when I needed to – both in pursuing my own interests and also when something is wrong. And it kept me playing small. Trying not to stand up or stand out has kept me quiet about what I know or am capable of doing. It’s made me intentionally dim my light so I’m not too much.

It’s taken me decades in leadership positions to figure out that I can be genial AND forthright. And when needed, it’s acceptable to be hard-headedly, certainly, yet kindly, difficult.

So, I’m officially okay with Miss O being difficult. While I prefer she not do it when we are heading out the door, it’s fine if she does that too. Because sometimes that is when we learn to flip the script.

(featured photo from Pexels)

Riding the Rhythm Into the Comfort Zone

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“Each one must learn the highest wisdom. It cannot be taught in words.” – Smowhala Wanapum

We’ve just returned from two week vacation on the beach. It was an incredible privilege to be able to take that time. It was born of a feeling that Mr. D needed a break between his 52-weeks-a-year preschool and starting Kindergarten. But it turned out to be something we all needed.

We had lots of friends join us. My friend, Eric, was with us a good deal of the two weeks. Also, my oldest friend, Katie, my meditation teacher, Deirdre, my mom, and one of Miss O’s friends came with her mom for part of the time.

But we also spent a number of days just the three of us. For anyone not in this phase of life with young children, it’s a tricky thing to present children with a whole lot of unstructured time. Ah, who am I kidding? It seems to be problematic for most every age.

For us, it started out with some rough moments. Mr. D lost it a few days in a row. The things that set it off were so innocuous. Like the time he didn’t want Miss O and her friend to go out in the dinghy after dinner even though he was invited and included. It had to be something else bugging him.

And then we found the rhythm. Activity, break, activity, food, activity, break, food, activity, bed. For example, wake up, walk on the beach, and then take a break; go swimming and then break for lunch; then pickleball; take a break; dinner and paddleboarding, then have some downtime watching shows and go to bed.

Here’s the lesson I derived for myself – when life feels new or unsettling, find the rhythm. Often the rhythm gets us through even when we are outside of our comfort zone.

It’s like every new hike or mountain I’ve undertaken. I feel the anxiety of not knowing where I’m going. And then I shoulder my pack and start walking. Soon enough, I will find or experience the answers. I just need to rely on the rhythm of my pace until I get there.

Photos of the Week: July 20

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“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I think it was in Still Life with Woodpecker by Tom Robbins where he describes a house in the Pacific Northwest being slowly taken over by the bushes and brambles. I think my neighbor’s house is going the way of Tom Robbins.

And Cooper thinks our neighborhood is going to the ducks.

I swear I spent at least a summer or two as a child riding everywhere on my bike with a swimsuit on. So I felt the delightful pull of nostalgia as I rode behind my kids in their swimsuits on the way to the neighborhood wading pool.

Mr. D learning to paddleboard. And Cooper grateful because he believes that we finally got him a bigger water bowl…

The welcome committee.

Two Miracles and a Giggle

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“Miracles happen only if you believe in miracles.” – Paula Coelho

Miracle One

The other day my mom came over to do some yard work while I was gone, and the kids were at school. Completely gracious of her.

When I came home, I put Cooper the dog and his friend Ziggy in the backyard to play while I had an online meeting. A few minutes later, I realized I could hear Ziggy barking – from the front porch. Hmm…

My mom had left one of the yard gates open. The dogs ran out into the front of my house. While I don’t live on an extremely busy street, it is a street in the city of Seattle with modest traffic, and plenty of places to wander off to. But when I opened the front door, they were safely on the front porch INSIDE a little gate that I have to keep them from running out the front door.

How did they both end up on my front porch on the SAFE side of the gate? If a neighbor did it, they didn’t knock on the door. And to my knowledge, Cooper can’t jump that little gate. And how did they stay together? I’ll never know, but I’m grateful.

Miracle Two

I have a hot tub on my roof deck. It hasn’t heated water in the last couple of years and I’ve assumed this is because I need a new control board. I think it’s not a hard fix but a pretty expensive part for a hot tub I’m on the fence about.

The hot tub is 20 years old. I can’t get a new one because it requires a crane to swing the hot tub up there. So, I’ve gone through some years of replacing parts, many years of not using it, and other years of using it as a cool off tub for the kids.

The other day the kids and I were cleaning it and getting ready to fill it with cold water. I opened the place where the filter goes. Miss O peered in and noticed the head of a kids toy jammed into where the pipes come together.

She got a fork and pried it out. After we finished cleaning it, I filled it up. Guess what? The hot tub works again.

The Giggle

I’ve written in posts about the stories I tell my kids about Simon the bad cat who died six years ago. Like last week’s post, The Archetypes of Story, where I told some favorites about the times he’d run away, break into other people’s houses, and even died on the operating table, only to be revived by kitty CPR.

He’s a favorite character in the house. Even for four-year-old Mr. D who never met him.

So when Mr. D noticed our plastic laundry basket was missing a handle, he said, “What happened to that basket? Did Simon do it?“

It is so good to have someone to blame for everything…

The Fullness of Time

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“The years teach much which the days never know.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Miss O has been working on “time” problems in school. Like “It’s 12:40. Zach is supposed to meet his friend in 45 minutes. What time will it be when they meet?” She generally likes math but these problems are getting her goat at the moment.

So, we were settling into bed and she asked me, “Was time around when you were a kid?” Then she thought for a moment and continued, “Oh yeah, they’ve had it for a while.”

I couldn’t get out of the room fast enough to burst into laughter and write that one down. That she said this the night before my birthday wasn’t lost on me.

Hee, hee. Yes, they’ve had time long enough for me to count out 55 years. What else has the fullness of time given me?

Laughter

When we had a small party of family and friends to celebrate my birthday, as well as my mom’s and my friend Eric’s, the thing I enjoyed most was the laughter. Miss O and Mr. D put on a recital. There was great food and also presents, but the real gift was the just the lightness of being. Miss O asked why my eyes leak so frequently when I laugh. I don’t know exactly, but it has something to do with just being so happy to be here.

Perspective

Time has also given me the gift of perspective. It’s a bigger sea in which my hurts, my worries, and even my hopes feel less significant. They matter, but more as in a way that helps me set my sails instead of being the sea itself. I’m a far more patient person – but not because I’ve grown my patience but because the fullness of time helps me settle into the wait.

Heart

I have a favorite quote when it comes to the heart,

“God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open.”

-Hazrat Inayat Khan

When I first met that quote, it was like almost everything else that has become my teacher. I thought, “No, no, no.”

But time has shown it is less about heart break and more about giving up control. There are people, things, dreams, and abilities that hurt so much when they go. But the heart has no hands to hang on to them. Leaning into that is like opening windows in my heart so that the breeze can flow through.

So, has anyone figured out the answer to the time problem at the top of the post? Clearly, it’s “Who knows because Zach is always running late? But we’ll hug him when we see him.” 🙂 Or at least that’s the answer that the fullness of time has given me.  

Going to the Next Level

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“I am convinced all of humanity is born with more gifts than we know. Most are born geniuses and just get de-geniused rapidly.” – R. Buckminster Fuller

We are coming to the end of our school year. 28 more school days in third grade for Miss O. And 50 days until Mr. D graduates from his preschool program. Do you remember that feeling as a kid? Being not only ready for summer break but also ready to ascend to that next level?

It has me thinking of what milestones we have in our lives as grown-ups that celebrate our readiness to go on to the next level. There are some big ones like becoming an empty-nester or retirement. Or we have annual ones like birthdays, anniversaries, and New Years. But often, I find myself at those moments planning on what I’m going to do next instead of commemorating what I’ve learned.

Let me suggest that we take a moment to bring back that feeling of finishing a school year. To actually name something we’ve graduated from and celebrate it. I’ll start:

I’ve come to believe that I am enough. Or at least to understand that pretending to be someone else is ineffective. So if a situation or expectations make me feel otherwise, I try to slow enough to double-down on being me long enough to get through.

And by graduating, I don’t mean being done. It brings to mind another graphic from Miss O’s 3rd grade teacher:

It seems fitting on this last day of teacher appreciation week to honor our teachers by naming what we’ve learned. Are you with me? If you are stuck, maybe visit the list from Pick Three Affirmations to find a place to start.

(featured photo from Pexels)

For a story about the circle of life, please listen to our Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast: Episode 66: The Power of Story with Wynne and Vicki.

We are changing our format starting with this episode. Vicki Atkinson and I are big believers in the power of story – to connect us, to create intergenerational healing, and to make meaning out of the events of our lives. To set the stage, we will be starting with someone telling a story in each episode.

To listen to the podcast, Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts. Or subscribe to our YouTube channel to see a video clip of each story: @SharingtheHeartoftheMatter.

Photos of the Week: April 20

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“Happiness is the feeling you’re feeling when you want to keep feeling it.” – unknown

It’s Spring and we are out and about!

Things we put in our mouths. It’s a long list for Cooper.

Cooper at ease

Our new passion

Thumbs up and riders up

The dandelion in the first picture actually grew in the middle of a boulder. How’s that for toughness?

And Miss O was out with her grandmother, then asked to borrow her grandmother’s phone, and snapped a picture of the sign of the week knowing that I’d want it.

The Art of Letting Go

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“Let go or be dragged.” – Zen Proverb

When I walk Cooper the dog in the morning, our cat, Simone, usually follows along. She is masterful at blending in or when other dogs come along and then appearing out of the shadows to keep pace with us when all is clear.

Yesterday, another neighborhood cat started aggressively running toward Simone as if to say, “How dare you cross that patch of sidewalk?”

Sensing the movement, Cooper turned to face the neighborhood cat. It stopped in its tracks. It seemed to be weighing whether confronting our cat was worth risking Cooper’s involvement.

After a long moment of stare down with Cooper and Simone, the cat ran opposite the way we were going.

I chuckled and thought to myself “Life is about wisely deciding what to let go.”

It reminded me of a conversation I had with my brother this past weekend. He said that he used to teach people how to make a to-do list.

  • List everything out.
  • Put it in order.
  • Draw a line in the middle and just accept you were only going to get the top half done.

Then he glanced around my kitchen with the unread newspapers, the mix of dog toys and kids toys on the floor, and the school art projects waiting to be hung and said,

“Maybe only the top third in your case.”

Yeah, but I made a delicious dinner. I’m getting better at letting go of the rest.

(featured photo is mine: Simone on the family walk)

Photos of the Week: March 30

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“Plunge boldly into the thick of life.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Argh!! I made the mistake of taking the kids with me to Costco.

The Crocodile Cave is pretty easy to set up though. It’s taking it down and trying to put it away in a storage case that’s a problem. Harder than any tent I’ve ever tried. After I wrestled with it (kinda like a croc) for at least 15 minutes the other night. Miss O asked if I got her slime out before I put it away.

“No,” I replied, “Where did you put it?” She sweetly replied, “In the climbing hand holds. Can you go get it out for me?”

That was a “no.” 🙂

After which I was very glad we got some soothing time in nature, hiking with my dear friend, Katie!

“Mom, the cat cut in front of me to get inside for dinner first! Can I sweep her away?”

First, Mr. D experimented with scootering through puddles. It ended “wetly.” So the next day, he prepared by putting on all the outer wear he could find. He stayed dry from the puddles but was pretty sweaty… 🙂

First picture here is a little random except for anyone that remembers Mark Petruska’s hilarious post Sock-Sock-Shoe-Shoe. Miss O, unprompted by me, announced she was a shoe-shoe-sock-sock girl.

And the sign of the week – oh, I relate!