Category: inspiration

Preserving Kindness

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“Decency doesn’t require one to be a human sacrifice.” – Dr. Gerald Stein

This post was originally published on 1/18/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

When I was a sorority girl in college, we all took turns on phone duty – answering the house phone lines, paging girls, or taking messages when calls came in. But in the January of 1989, it wasn’t just guys calling for dates, we had a lot of calls coming in from journalists who wanted pictures of a girl who had been in our sorority in the 1970’s.

Florida was about to executive Ted Bundy and one of his claimed victims was Georgannn Hawkins, a young woman who had been a Theta at the University of Washington. The way I heard the story was that she was studying for spring term finals with her boyfriend who was a Beta. She’d left the Beta fraternity house, which was on the same block as our sorority about 5 or 6 houses down, about midnight one early June night and walked down the well-lit alley that ran behind our houses. She’d gotten her keys into the back door of the Theta house when Ted Bundy had approached her with a ruse to help him put his books in his car.

We never gave out the photo to the journalists that called but I was curious enough to go downstairs in the sorority to find the picture of Georgann Hawkins. A really pretty girl with lustrous brown hair parted in the middle. A young woman who died after she was willing to help someone else.

I remember this being hard to take in at 19-years-old. That kindness, something that was so highly prioritized in my home growing up, could be preyed upon in such an awful way.

Now more than 30 years later, I have all sorts of examples of kindness gone wrong. Listening to the news gives plenty, as does personal experience for me, my friends and family, although thankfully none so dramatic. After all, statistically speaking it is unlikely that we or our loved ones will die at the hands of a serial killer. But pretty likely we all will cross paths with sociopaths, narcissists, scammers, or hustlers.

But even so, kindness is still reported to be pervasive. When the University of Sussex conducted the largest in-depth study on kindness in 2021 that one of the findings was “Three-quarters of people told us they received kindness from close friends or family quite often or nearly all the time. And when we asked about the most recent time someone was kind to them, 16% of people said it was within the last hour and a further 43% said it was within the last day. Whatever people’s age or wherever they lived, kindness was very common.”

Studies have shown that being kind increases our well-being. People who volunteer live 20-40% longer. Kindness, whether on the giving or receiving end, helps us to report higher levels of well-being.

So how do we stay kind? Turns out there’s a strong link between setting boundaries and being able to be compassionate and empathetic. When we know what we can and cannot do, and communicate what is and is not okay for us, it seems we can refill our tanks more easily because we’re not wasting energy doing things that we know are not okay for us.

“I was recently struggling with a boundary issue (yes, still) and I told my therapist that I refuse to go back to saccharine – that I like solid better. Before I really understood how impossible it is to be compassionate to myself or others when people are taking advantage of me and when I’m prioritizing being liked over being free. I was much sweeter but less authentic. Now I’m kinder and less judgmental. But also firmer and more solid. Occasionally salty.”

Brené Brown in Atlas of the Heart

That testament from Brené Brown as well as the story of Georgann Hawkins makes sense to me. I’m much freer to go out of my way to be kind when I’m doing it for the right reasons and in a way that doesn’t go against my intuition.

From personal experience I can say this – my desire to be kind has survived some difficult situations because it’s part of the open way that I want to meet the world. I’ve learned that kindness is its own reward in its ability to frame hopeful and inspiring outcomes. But if we meet in an alley, I probably won’t offer to carry your books.

I’ve published a related post on the Wise & Shine blog: Six Reasons Giving is Good for You.

(featured photo from Pexels)

A Little Puff of Laughter

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“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” – Mark Twain

The other day I was on a Teams video meeting with a colleague and he burst into laughter. “I cannot take you seriously with that pen,” he howled!

I was taking notes with a ball point pen with a puff ball top with absolutely no awareness that I’d picked it up. I’d plucked it out of the puppy’s mouth just minutes before when I found that he’d stolen it. Well, I removed it only after I took a picture, of course!

When I told my colleague this, we both started laughing so hard that we were crying. And I realized that I missed this facet of face-to-face meetings. Not the crying – but the laughing.

It seems that when I spend my times zooming (pun intended) from one virtual meeting to the next, one of the things that is lost is the chit chat and laughter of in-person meetings. Perhaps I’m just racing to get it done and get off the computer, but I also think we miss the physical cues of humor.

Like the time I was sitting with a colleague in a client’s conference room and was kicking my foot. I inadvertently hit the up/down lever on my colleagues chair and it lowered by a foot. He turned and said, “You trying to take me down a notch?”

Laughter, warmth, listening require extra care when we’re virtual. I need that reminder so I’m keeping my fuzzy pen by my computer to wave every once in a while and laugh!

The Superhero In Us All

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“No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” – Aesop

This was originally published on 6/1/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

My kids have been watching a lot of Superman at my house. I’m talking about the 1978 movie with Christopher Reeve, Magot Kidder and Gene Hackman. I love it because it brings me back to when I was nine-years-old and saw it the first time. Back when they did all the credits at the beginning – remember that?

Gene Hackman plays the bad guy Lex Luthor. And as insensitive as he is to the loss of human life and calculating in his plans to get what he wants, he seems perfectly rational in his selfish pursuit of wealth and notoriety as the greatest criminal mind of the time. He even seems quite erudite as he reads newspapers, has a library full of books and even responds using the German “Jawohl” to respond with an enthusiastic yes to a statement.

This is the model of a bad guy that I grew up with. Someone with nefarious intentions but logical methods. Life has taught me that there is another type of bad guy – one who seems to reacts out of pain and hatred in a way that seems so pointless. And when I use the term “bad guy,” I intend it in a universal way that is not gender specific. Faye Dunaway plays a good female “bad guy” in the Supergirl movie from 1984.

Given my career and lifestyle, I will probably never meet a Lex Luthor. But the other type of bad guy is someone who lives in and among our communities. Someone who has interactions with others that influences whether or not they feel seen, heard or loved. Someone who, maybe from a very young age, can benefit from others taking a step to make them feel included or respected.

The poet Mark Nepo has a beautiful description of our world as a great wheel. We share a common center, our lives create all the different spokes and the integrity of the wheel overall depends on the health of those spokes. When we open ourselves up to whatever inspires each of us to beauty, transcendence and inclusion, we have the opportunity to shine the light for others because we are all connected.

Thinking back to how to ground myself in this work, I think of this quote from Elie Wiesel:

But where was I to start? The world is so vast, I shall start with the country I know best, my own. But my country is so very large. I had better start with my town. But my town too, is large. I had best start with my street. No: my home. No: my family. Never mind, I shall start with myself.

Elie Wiesel

The little things we do – a pause to let someone cut in traffic, or a smile passing someone on the street or a silent prayer of blessing for someone who is struggling, these are kindnesses that start in our hearts and touch all those around. The smallest nod to acknowledge that the person in front of us exists has impact.

Be nice to the 38 year old in your Freshman lecture and be nice to people at the gym. Those people are putting themselves in extreme anxiety-inducing situations in attempt to try to better themselves. Just a smile or a quick conversation can mean so much.

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We might need Superman to fight the Lex Luthors of the world. But we all have a chance to touch others who may or may not become bad guys based on the path they walk among us. And we all have a chance to touch others who may or may not become great guys based on the peace and support passed to them. It starts small: be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

What are the small acts that have inspired or passed peace to you?

I’ve published a related piece on Wise & Shine: What Is It You Plan To Do With Your One Wild and Precious Post?

(featured photo from Pexels)

Schools of Thought and Feeling

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“A teacher is never a giver of truth; he is a guide, a pointer to the truth that each student must find for himself.” – Bruce Lee

I once had a client tell me, with a hint of irritation in his voice, that he believed the schools of today in America were teaching kids to become socialists. There was so much in that sentence to unpack that I didn’t even touch it. But I remembered thinking at the time, that it probably had more to do with his relationship with his kids than anything else.

My kids weren’t school age when my client said that but now that eight-year-old Miss O has a few years in the public school system, it is interesting to notice what has and hasn’t changed since I was a kid. What hasn’t changed is the great teachers and administrators who are dedicated, imaginative, and delightful and somehow make it all work.

What I’ve noticed that has changed since I was young is how much social emotional learning they include. The kids get to school and do their mood meters and they talk about feelings, inclusion, and helping.

My kids seem to love way-back-when stories so the other day I was telling them that I remember when not-littering became a campaign and something punishable by fines. My two delightful young ones were amazed that people thought it was okay to just throw things out a car window when they were done with it.

Four-year-old Mr. D, who is not yet in the public school system, has gone on “garbage walks” since he was two-years-old. The kids would point out garbage and a teacher would pick it up with gloved hands.

So the other day when there was a piece of garbage on the ground, Mr. D pointed it out to me and said, ”It’s not healthy for the earth to eat.”

The other day, Miss O was struggling with what to do next with a project and she suggested, “Instead of erasing unfairness, I could draw fairness.”

All this makes me think that what kids these days are learning in school today, in addition to the three R’s, is to be stewards. Stewards of themselves, the environment, and of others.

(featured image from Pexels)

Creating Eyes that See

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“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” – Roald Dahl

This was originally published on 6/29/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

The other day, my 6-year-old daughter and her best friend asked me what an optical illusion is. I didn’t have the Merriam-Webster definition, “something that deceives the eye by appearing to be other than it is” at the tip of my tongue so we talked about examples of when you think you see something but your brain knows it can’t be real or vice versa. I showed them the classic example of the picture that is either the young lady with a necklace or an old lady with a prominent chin.

They were fascinated. But of course this is more than a trick for amusement, it’s one of the pillars of our life. As Albert Einstein said, “There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is a miracle.”

It reminds me of a person I knew who believed she had to check on everything that someone did for her otherwise she would be cheated. In one memorable instance, she had left her dog with someone who was staying at her house and became convinced the dog sitter wasn’t walking the dog as far as she claimed. So she devised a series of questions to trip up the dog sitter when she picked her up from the airport. What time does the sun rise this time of year? What is the favorite route that you walk with my dog? How many times does my dog poop on her morning walk?

She was convinced that these questions would help her find the TRUTH which was predetermined in her head as a story that the dog sitter didn’t get up as early and walk as far as she thought.

In the meantime, she completely missed that the dog was safe, happy and healthy and that the dog sitter was willing to drive her to/from the airport, that the dog sitter loved to watch movies and also worked from home so that the dog had almost constant companionship while she was gone.

Because none of that mattered if the dog sitter LIED about the morning walk. No gentle reminders from me or anyone else could change the perspective.

This person might be an anomaly in that she didn’t believe anyone, more or less, in her life. She believed that the only reliable person was herself and everything that she got, had, earned was only because of her personal efforts. There was no idea of grace, coincidence, faith, or even luck.

The rest of us are probably not as extreme but I think what Albert Einstein implies is that it’s a way of seeing. We can’t consistently believe that life is completely up to us in one area of our life (work, relationships, money) without it affecting all the others.

We have to believe in miracles to see them. Whatever we have faith in – be it God, the Universe, optimism, magic – will deliver goodness if we develop our ability to discern it. When we open ourselves up to the possibility that miracles happen in our life, it’s amazing to find how many we see.

As an example, my daughter was sad because her best friend, the one that was with her when asking about optical illusions, is moving at the end of the summer. Then as we worked through that reality, she discovered that a family with three kids that she already knows and likes from school happened to move in one block from us. They’d been up the street for 7 months and we hadn’t even realized until one day we saw them on the street. What a gift! The miracle didn’t save us from having to say good-bye to one friend, but instead it was the gift of new friends.

How do you interpret Albert Einstein’s quote? What miracles have you seen lately?

I’ve published a related post on Wise & Shine – Creatively Seeing

(featured photo from Pexels)

Automatic Rules

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“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.” – Aristotle

I’ve been thinking about my rules for life. Inspired by a Ten Percent Happier podcast where host Dan Harris interviews blogger and author, Shane Parrish, about making good decisions, I’ve been reviewing the rules that serve me and the ones I need.

Shane described these automatic rules as the ones that can help us overcome a particular inertia or tendency. His example came from a time he was hanging out with Daniel Kahneman (author of Thinking Fast and Slow) and heard Daniel say to someone on the phone, “My rule is to never say ‘yes’ on the phone.”

When Daniel ended the call, Shane asked him to say more about the rule. He explained that his inclination to want to be a nice guy was leading him to say “yes” to things that he really didn’t want to do. So he implemented a rule.

Isn’t that a fascinating example? It made me think of turn-around time on mountains. When we head for the summit knowing that we will turn around at 2pm (or whatever the cut-off is), it helps to curb the bad decisions that come with fatigue and ambition (e.g. but we’re so close, how about a half an hour more?). It brings to mind the story of Rob Hall, a guide on Mt. Everest, who died trying to get a client to the top after they ignored the turn-around time.

I have some rules that were instilled from growing up, they are way less dramatic:

  • Do your chores first thing before you go out to play
  • If something needs to be done, start right away
  • Say what you’ll do and do what you say

And the rules that I’ve added over time:

  • I get up early every morning to meditate and write (this keeps me from wondering if I should sleep in or get up)
  • I don’t read emails after 9pm (this makes for way better sleep)
  • I turn off all phone notifications after 9:30pm (so I actually get to bed)
  • Say “yes” when my kids ask me to play with them anytime I can

And the ones that I need:

  • Don’t buy Halloween candy before the day of or at the very most the couple of days before (the train has left the station this year but I’m going to try to remember it for next)
  • Have a hard cut-off of my writing time at 6:40am, even if I’m mid-sentence, so I can wake the kids on time. (I have been fudging this and then we all end up late)

Shane got his start as a blogger when he was working for an US intelligence agency in the wake of 9/11. Not only do I like his suggestions for reviewing the automatic rules to curb impulses, but I also like to believe that people like him are making good decisions behind the scenes in the country.

Oh, and one more rule I have for Fridays – listening to the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Pocket Casts. This week’s episode is Episode 41: Enter if you Dare with Mark Petruska

(featured photo from Pexels)

The Fruits of Our Labor

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“Each life creates endless ripples.” – Frank Herbert

This summer I was idly chatting with the mom of one of Miss O’s school friends at a pool party. Our conversation switched to careers and she mentioned that she is a nurse at the fertility clinic that I used to become pregnant via IVF (in-vitro fertilization). What’s more, she works on the team of Dr. Dudley, my fertility specialist.

When I revealed that, her eyes grew wide. She looked at me for a long moment, she looked at eight-year-old Miss O, she looked at four-year-old Mr. D, she looked back at 54-year-old me, and her eyes were full. She’d never met a baby of one of her patients. Even though I wasn’t directly her patient, it was like seeing the fruit of her labor.

There are times that I forget that I had kids in a non-traditional way. I have no problem talking about it, as I recently did on the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast with the amazing Vicki Atkison. But often it’s just that life right NOW is so busy, I forget about way back then.

Everything is timed to a T in the IVF process. This drug here, that test there, the implantation of the embryo, then a blood draw on day 10 to see if you’re pregnant. If you are, the due date is an exact calculation from the calendar. The fertility clinic, at least in my case, sees you until you are at ten weeks along. Then you transfer to an obstetrician and may never see them again.

One of my dad’s favorite parts of being a pastor was that he felt it was such an honor to be a part of the many sacred moments of people’s life – birth, baptism, marriage, death. To see the whole story.

But my acquaintance, the nurse, usually only gets to see that one part of the story. I remember sending a birth announcement to the fertility clinic when I had my babies. I gather from her wet and twinkling eyes that’s not the same as seeing these kids do a cannonball at a pool party.

There are a lot of times we never see the impact of our life – the way we touch other people with a smile, a question, or a reply. So, I love the stories of the full circle moments when we do get to see the fruits of our labor, even if “those fruits” just got you wet at a pool party. All the better to hide the tears.

For a related story about the IVF process, please see my Heart of the Matter post, The Courage To Try.

(featured photo from Pexels)

Choose You

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“If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.” – Chinese Proverb

I had a friend the other day tell me to “choose me” sometimes. The funny thing about it was that I wasn’t groaning about my life or anything else when she came up with that. In fact, I was wishing her safe and fun travels on her trip to Africa. So her comment was out of the blue and off topic which made me notice it more.

When I was about 17 or 18-years-old, my mom once made a pointed remark to me that I shouldn’t be such a caretaker. It’s taken me 30+ years to understand that the comment might have been more about her resentments in life, not mine. Also, I’ve come to see that there are people we should take care of, like children and pets, and people that we shouldn’t, like grown-ups who haven’t done their work.

But nonetheless, my mom was right about one thing, and that is I’m a pretty good caretaker. I can pretty readily set aside what I need in the moment and push through to make sure others are fed and cared for. But my friend’s comment has made me cognizant of some ways that I can “choose me”:

Steeping tea. I’ve written so much about my morning sacred time – the hour or so I take to do yoga, meditate, and write in the morning before my kids wake up. But I’ve found such reward when I take micro-moments throughout the day. Like instead of cleaning the kitchen, choosing to take a moment to focus on the scene out the window when I’m steeping my tea. Of course, my kitchen is a mess…but I’m a lot calmer to deal with it.

Morning walk. I’ve added a short walk with Cooper the puppy to my morning routine. I thought it was because it helped release some of his energy so we can settle into the day. But I’ve found, that especially when I stop my endless iteration of the to-do, to “be here now”, to look at the sky and take in the feeling of the morning, it helps to settle my energy as well.

Back rubs. At night, my kids and I snuggle into a nook we’ve built on my bedroom floor to read books. Often I rub their backs while we’re reading. It’s something I do reflexively but when I can choose to feel the smooth skin and precious life force under my hands it gives me a beautiful shiver.

Naps. I take 15 minutes to lie down every afternoon. There are times I don’t fall asleep but often I do. I find that short time to reboot the system instead of slogging through makes such a difference in my experience of the day.

I don’t know what my friend envisioned when she told me to “choose me.” Funny how that comment has made me think of the little things we can do to put on our oxygen masks throughout the day.

What things do you do to “choose you?”

One suggestion for something to do when you are choosing you – listen to Todd Fulginiti’s new album “Jazz on King, Volume 1” on Spotify, Amazon Music or Apple. Vicki and I talk with him about it on our pocast: Episode 38 Jazz on King with Todd Fulginiti

Master Negotiators

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“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grownup we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.” – Madeleine L’Engle

I’ve found that daycare drop-off is an incredible place to observe negotiation skills. These young people who are still very comfortable asking for what they need are masters. Speaking for myself, I think I often give away the power in the negotiation because I’m more concerned about Mr. D’s needs than my own.

At 4-years-old, he’s pretty comfortable going to school so we don’t have really tough drop-offs, but lately he’s been negotiating for upside-down hugs. No, I don’t have to go upside down, thankfully. I pick him up and flip him upside down. It’s a good arm and core workout.

Yesterday morning after I’d done the three we’d agreed upon, Mr. D negotiated for more. He started to hold up four fingers but saw that he was going to get push back and lowered it to two. And then asked for one more after and then one final one, managing to get the four he wanted after all.

I’m thinking about this because in my job we’re negotiating a new contract with an existing client. Here are the ways I think we could learn from the five and under set:

  • Grown-ups, myself included, seem to fear the negotiation process. The idea that someone might use it as an opportunity to walk away is terrifying.
  • It seems like we do a lot of guessing what the other side will do before even making an opening bid. And what they do, is rarely what we’ve guessed. Sure, it’s strategically sound to think through pros and cons, but it stops being fruitful when it freezes us in place.
  • When we lean in to the process, it feels like connection. We seem to have forgotten what many little people know intuitively, that we can just ask for what we need.

Negotiation is vulnerable. Maybe all scenarios where we’re scared we won’t get what we want or need are. But watching these pre-schoolers reminds me that we won’t get anything unless we ask.

For more about negotiating, specifically the role of silence in negotiation, Vicki and I had another great podcast conversation with Dr. Gerald Stein – this time about the waiting game. See Episode 37: The Waiting Game with Dr. Gerald Stein to listen.

(featured photo from Pexels)

Pick Three Affirmations

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With all the stress and change at the beginning of the school year, I’ve been writing notes for Miss O in her lunch every day. Mr. D can’t yet read but his teachers asked for notes to read to kids when they miss their families.

The notes I find myself writing aren’t exquisite masterpieces that have any poetic resonance. They are simply affirmations in the stye of The Help by Kathryn Stockett

To the degree that I’ve figured out what works best, it is things that are specific, not too aspirational, and that resonate with what they might already believe about themselves. Writing them for my children is not very hard.

But if I was to turn the lens around the other way and have to pick three things to say to myself? Well, it’s a hard practice. So I’ve written some down for you all. Pick three things that you could really believe about yourself. Just so you know, I’ve written these with you all in mind:

You are clever.

You are kind.

You bring out the best in others.

You have come so far and are so generous to share your lessons with others.

You are a bright light.

You make others laugh.

You make others cry, in the best way ever.

You are such a good encourager.

You make the world a better place.

You are resourceful.

You are resilient.

You are creative.

You are so faithful.

You are a good listener.

You are wise.

You are patient.

You are a great storyteller.

You can figure anything out.

You have integrity.

You are empathetic.

You carry your load well.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You make me laugh.

You are a person I am delighted to know.

Really — pick three. Write them down and look at them when you eat lunch. I have it on good authority that they make the day better.

The podcast I did with Dr. Vicki Atkinson about how to Savor September goes nicely with lunch as well: Episode 35: September … Savor with Vicki and Wynne