The Onset of Reality

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“I’d rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.” – e.e. cummings

Recently my kids and I were at my dad’s former church for an Easter event. On the way out, Miss O asked to see my dad’s stone in the columbarium. It’s in a beautiful nook by a babbling little brook surrounded by trees.

Miss O and I like patterns. So we looked at all the stones and saw the ones, like my dad’s, that are offset because their spouse/partner will be added when they die. And then the ones where the name is in the middle because they are by themselves.

Miss O wanted to know about the dates on my dad’s stone. I pointed out his birth date and then she looked at the date of his death and said, “Because everyone comes to their death date.”

Right!

[As aside, this reminds me of one of my dad’s jokes: “There’s always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.”]

She made that death date observation without any gravity or sadness. My kids can envision monsters and thieves but death doesn’t hold any weight for them.

At four-years-old and eight-years-old, they seem to attend to whatever is at hand with very little worry about the future. Somewhere between four and fifty-four, “reality” hits.

Which reminded me that a few weeks ago at bedtime, Miss O told me that she and her friend have been using recess to talk about “big topics.” I couldn’t wait to hear about these so I snuggled in next to her and asked, “Like what?”

She replied, “Puberty and reality. Puberty was my friend’s topic and I brought up reality. I can’t believe it starts in three years.”

I asked “What starts in three years?”

She replied, “Reality. You know. Middle school.”

I’m laughing, but perhaps that’s when it does start. The planning and preparing, setting the expectations for what life should be.

Thank goodness there’s death as an antidote. For me, being periodically reminded that “everyone comes to their death date” is helpful.  Not knowing when that will be prompts me to lay down my plans and to live.

(featured photo is mine)

Speaking of great reasons to write down our stories before we meet our death date, Vicki and I talk with author, publisher, podcaster, and former radio producer, Rick Kaempfer on our podcast, Episode 62: The Loop Files with Rick Kaempfer. He tells some incredible stories about the most outrageous radio station ever. And does an amazing job at poignantly describing one of the reasons we write.

Search (and subscribe!) for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Apple, Amazon, Spotify or Pocket Casts. Or click through to the link above to see the video excerpts from that podcast, the link to listen in browser, plus all of Rick’s links.

49 thoughts on “The Onset of Reality”

  1. My youngest granddaughter who is now 12, keeps saying she wants to be Peter Pan, sine she doesn’t want to grow up. Growing up seems to be the worst thing one can do!

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  2. Wynne, what an important discussion. I read a book about making that moment memorable, kind of a rite of passage. We took our son and spent a weekend at a hotel, and I walked him through what he is going to experience through puberty and teenage years. Mom went shopping while I was discussing those big topics with him. Mom joined after and had additional conversations to add the woman’s perspective. It was hard for me because I didn’t have that, but I wanted that for him. I was preparing for like a week. He still has the family picture from the end of that weekend in his room. I hope that he will keep that picture for years to come as a reminder of that moment.

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      1. You’re very welcome, Wynne. There weren’t a lot of guides and materials on how to do this, so I heavily modified Passport 2 Purity to fit our needs. The songs were cheesy so didn’t include any, but some of the hands-on activities were good.

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  3. For a second there, I thought Miss O was Socrates! I am glad she is still a kid looking ahead to middle school. Plato and his teacher will wait.

    Keep her in place if you can, Wynne. She’s going to be something!

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  5. Okay, I change my mind. The book I want to see next from you is not about Mountain Climbing, but instead wit and wisdom from Miss O and Mr. D. You can’t get much better than “Because everyone comes to their death date” and “Reality. You know. Middle school.” I feel so much wiser and smarter now. Ha, ha. Smart kids. (Miss O has her priorities in the right place too. Puberty is important, but middle school is where the real reality sets in. Good for her.)

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  9. I remember being pretty carefree until nine or ten before boys entered my radar. But I’ll never forget my first significant experience death with death, and that was second grade. It’s subjective, I think.

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  11. The “big topics.” I love how your daughter is looking at things so deeply. I remember those conversations with friends. They’d usually be about religion and our different beliefs. One friend believed you had to follow her denomination’s practices or you’d never get to heaven. I had a perspective that God recognized all spiritual religions and beliefs.

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  12. Ahh yes. The reality of middle school. So sweet. It’s interesting how in almost every life stage, the one that’s coming next is what we consider reality. And, other than the death date, every stage is anticipated with a certain amount of excitement…and trepidation.

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  17. Oh dear, Wynne, the dread P word. She’s growing up so fast! Childhood felt like forever as a kid but as an adult, it just seems to fly by.

    I love Miss O’s thoughtfulness and real view of hard topics such as death. I think she will approach middle school just fine in a few years!

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    1. It does just seem to fly by as an adult, doesn’t it?

      Hopefully her thoughtfulness will serve her. I guess we’ll see – and it’ll be here sooner than I think! Thanks, Ab!

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    1. My dad’s joke was perfect for this time of year, yes?

      BTW, guess whose kids have started Aikido? They are so excited. Mr. D wants to sleep in his gi tonight. I knew you’d appreciate that! Not that I’m saying you sleep in your gi! 🙂

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      1. Yes, on your dad’s quote! I look forward to meeting him some day! Won’t that be neat??

        Sleep in your gi so you’re always ready to attack! Haha. That’s great! I’m glad they’re excited. I hope they really enjoy it.

        BTW, sneak peek: I got a call from Instructor today. In a couple of weeks, SD is going to start day classes back up, twice a week. That will be so helpful for me! Mrs. Instructor said when she heard she was so happy for me. Ha. The plight of the mom/martial arts balance. (Ooh, I’ve gotta remember that line for my blog. 😉 )

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  19. You have these sweet, delicious, and deep moments with your kids and somehow you transport me back in time. I remember…I miss those days…and I’m savoring being able to relive them through you. Kids have a way of grounding us in reality, the present moment, and death doesn’t often eclipse this space. Love your kiddos Wynne. Hugs, C

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