The Art and Science of Making Friends

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“There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve have just met.” – Jim Henson

This was originally published on 3/15/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

This past Saturday night I was over having dinner at my friends’ Rachel and Karl’s house. As our kids happily played together, we talked about technology, philosophy, and their recent vacation to Mexico and I marveled at how much I enjoy their friendship. It started because their daughter and mine were in a preschool co-op class and we often worked in the classroom on the same days.

When I had kids at age 46 and again at 50, I essentially started a new phase of life that was out of sync with my friends. None of my friends from before I had kids have kids as young as mine. So I needed to expand my circle of friends if I wanted to have friends that were experiencing the same things as I was.

I found establishing friendships with people that have young children to be hard. First off, everyone has just expanded their family and is all hands-on-deck with supporting new life. Secondly, having young children doesn’t mean we have anything else in common. And thirdly, research shows that we typically have the most friends at age 25 when we are establishing our identity and from there, our friend networks get smaller, often with a focus on fewer but more in-depth friends.

A recent study revealed that only 50% of people report establishing a new friend in the last year.

[I’m going to insert a big aside here. I think this might be a much different number in the blogging community where we are “introduced” to new people regularly and form some of what I think are great blogging friendships, or as my friend Betsy calls them, Blog Buddies. The research I mention here was focused on the broader population.]

Listening to a Ten Percent Happier podcast with psychologist and professor at the University of Maryland, Dr. Marisa G. Franco who has recently written a book called Platonic, made me think about the parenting friendships I’ve established in the seven years since I’ve had kids. It’s taken some time but I’d say that I’ve established a handful of close ones.

Here are some of the things I’ve found helpful in creating new friendships interspersed with some of the wisdom from Dr. Franco.

Openness

You have to be vulnerable. This is a hard one for me because my biggest fear is to be seen as a needy person who can’t do it herself. So I’ve worked hard to open up to people who have earned my trust.

Attachment Style

Dr. Franco has found we have attachment styles that affect our ability to make friendships. There is a lot of room for interpretation in our relationships (e.g. is that person just busy or ghosting me?) and our past relationships can factor in on how we do that interpretation.

  • Securely attached people tend to not to take things as personally and to think people like them.
  • Anxiously attached people tend to cling or lose themselves because they assume they’ll be rejected.
  • Avoidantly attached people don’t want to give others the chance to reject them or use their vulnerability against them.

Dr. Franco says being aware of our styles can be really helpful so that we understand the filter we are using when interpreting new friendships.

This brings to mind a recent situation with a parenting friend. I had made overtures to do things again and again. She always said, “yes” but never made the effort herself. I tend to be the securely attached style but I started to wonder if I was the only one who valued the relationship when she offered up the comment, “Thanks for thinking of this. I have social anxiety and often forget to reach out.” Ah – awareness matters.

Continuity

What often falls off my radar is my existing friends. I confess to being not very good at planning things with my pre-parenting friends. Life feels busy and that falls into “me” time that is hard to set aside. So I’m always incredibly grateful when they reach out and suggest get togethers. I do my best to tell them I appreciate it!

On the morning after that lovely dinner with my parenting friends, Rachel and Karl, my best friend from when we were seven-years-old, Katie, came over to hang out with me and my kids. Friends, from all phases of life – what a blessing and well worth the effort.

(featured photo from Pexels)

48 thoughts on “The Art and Science of Making Friends”

  1. I haven’t thought about which type I am, attachment wise, but I do find making friends an interesting process – and not always easy. I have a lovely friend that I met in our poetry circle, but most able-bodied people give up on other abled like me, I think.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not always easy – I think that’s a very true statement, VJ. And interesting about the able bodied giving up on the other abled. Is there some uncertainty about what to say or where to go?

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      1. I’m sure that is it. I think also fear. We are fed so many false promises that fitness and healthy diets will keep us young and healthy, that seeing someone like me is unsettling.

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  3. No one will believe this, but you and I did it again, Mary Wynne. Posts with similar themes – unplanned – about friendship. What’s on the inside comes out, doesn’t it? Gratitude and loads of it. 🥰

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I think friendship is just hard as an adult. There’s so many different facets. I love working remotely, but it certainly has impacted the number of friends that I touch base with on a regular basis. Lots of good stuff here Wynne. I thought friendship challenges would end once I got out of high school. Boy, was I wrong. Ha, ha.

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  5. Wow—this is an eye-opener! Yep—I’ve ghosted people, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. As the years have worn on and health has begun to wane, I ask myself about priorities—who, or what is most important in the over alll scheme of my life? Will that person lift me up or wear me down? Lots of good grist for the self-evaluation mill here! Thanks. I needed that!

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  6. The attachment style information is noteworthy. It does explain to me why some people behave like they do, says the person who doesn’t take much of anything personally. People just gonna people, I figure.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I love that you highlight blogging friendships because I truly feel the people I’ve met here are some of the most kind and supportive people in my life. Maybe a bit unconventional, but still so lovely.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I love all that you’ve said – your analysis of friendship. I must say that in the past ten years, in retirement, I have both intentionally and naturally made and developed more friendships – and have been a lot less analytical about ‘how?’ and ‘why’. It seems that time is too short. I’ve got a lot to learn from everybody and we need each other!

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  9. This is a very interesting post. Having moved from a community where I had the parenting friends, work friends etc. for 30 years to an entirely new state was difficult friend wise. I was thrilled to learn one of my parenting friends moved here three months after us. I’ve made a few friends in the neighborhood by attending ladies’ coffee and taking over the community newsletter. But I have to put myself out there. The attachment style makes so much sense.

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    1. I can imagine that it would be hard to establish friends moving – especially in the post-Covid era. You’re right – we have to put ourselves out there. It doesn’t happen unless we do. I love that your parenting friend moved there too. And do I remember that a couple of colleagues from the PR firm days are there too?

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  10. Interesting. I’m surprised/staggered that research shows we have the most friends at age 25. 18, maybe, but 25? Whatever. Speaking as one of the oldsters, it’s quality over quantity that’s important at any age. But especially when you’re going through the humbling realities of old age, friends are the ones who are there for each other, and that makes the difference between night and day. And having a few of your friends be a decade or two younger helps too, for when all your other friends need help and support at the same time! Friendship makes all the difference in the world.

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  12. The podcast was insightful to listen to, Wynne. I recently learned about attachment styles. I tend to lean avoidant. Raised in a large, unstable family required me to take care of a large group of people at a young age. All I wanted was time alone and I never had that for the first 18 years of my life. Now I just relish, savor, love, adore alone time. I hear many folks talk about loneliness, but it’s something I rarely, if ever, experience…
    I have more friends now than when I was young. I have a few very best friends for nearly 50 years and other close friends who I absolutely love. And I treasure the blogging buddy community. Currently, I’m interested in creating new local friendships. I’ve reached out to a few different people I admire, but once we’ve talked about the local organization that we both support, I’m at a loss as to what to discuss next. I’m naturally awkward, as an introvert, and sometimes I find myself being too ‘careful’? The older I get, the more experiences I’ve had, and those might (unwittingly) be causing me to create a lot of criteria and parameters to keep from being wrangled into difficult friendships.

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    1. You’ve shared so many interesting things, Rose. What an interesting point you’ve made about balancing alone time and friends. I recently listened to another Ten Percent Happier podcast that talked about how to deepen conversations. Let me go look for that link because it was another great episode.

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  13. Nice post, Wynne. My wife is an extrovert and has like a thousand friends, so I just tag along. We were in our mid-thirties when we had our son. As he grew older, she enrolled him in YMCA activities like Ninja Warrior and swimming, where she met other moms and made a lot of connections. They are still in contact. She is now a Zumba instructor and continues to make new friends every week. As an introvert, it’s really hard for me to make that many friends. I probably have about five close friends, all from my years in high school and college. Again, nice post and thank you for reposting.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Well, I bet that’s a match that works really well. If you had a thousand friends and she had a thousand friends – whew, that would be a lot to catch up with. But I think those few good friends make all the difference no matter how big the overall total is. You have such thoughtful comments. Thank you, Edward.

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  14. Friendships sure do take a different life of their own as we get older and after we become parents.

    I find it’s more about quantity than quality and I’m thankful for the smaller circle of good friends I have, that last the test of time. And I’m also thankful for the new friends, albeit smaller in size, that I’ve also made as a parent.

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    1. Quality – I couldn’t agree more, Ab. And the parenting friends matter too, don’t they? It’s nice to have people that are going through the same stuff as we are, right? So grateful for you!

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    1. Ah yes, and also when starting new jobs. Right, Mr. Day 3? Those transitions had to be so hard as a kid! I’m grateful you are my blogging friend and don’t move blogs every three years. But if you did, I’d come find you. 🙂

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  17. Because I have moved so much in my lifetime, I have friends from years ago that I never see now because of time and distance. FB has been a big help to be able to stay in contact with them. Always moving, always being “the new kid” has forced me to reach out to make friends. I have found it true – “He who would have friends must show himself friendly.” Proverbs 18:24.

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  20. First, let me just say did you say you were in your 50s? No way!! You look so much younger. And love this post. No, I have the opposite friends. My friends from high school whom I still talk to every day all have grandkids. As I do not so it’s hard to relate to them and it’s not going to change anytime soon. My kid’s choice to have kids right now or possibly never is not up to me so when Im with my one friend that is godmother to my daughter and her kids grew upwith mine. And in the same boat with the grandkids, thing is my go-to friend. Haha.

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    1. Thank you for your kind comment. Yes, I’m 54. Love hearing your experience from the opposite side of things. Funny how we can relate to all sorts of experiences, even when we come at it from different angles.

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  21. I missed this one–including the personal mention–the first time around! I so agree with the blog buddy thing. It’s so much easier to maintain blog friendships because we can do so on our own timetable, whilst in our pajamas. It’s much harder to get together with in-person friends. I try, but we all are busy so often, and, well, you know, introvert. I feel that if I didn’t have BBs, I’d be lonely. I love our personal open-hearted interactions. And the ability to edit what I say. 😉

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