Category: friendship

Ropes are Relational

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , , , 69 Comments

“A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I awoke Friday morning to the sound of a drip in my bathroom. Amazing how a drop of water in another room landing on a bath mat that’s designed to absorb water can penetrate the unconscious. It felt like I came abruptly awake and then sat straight up listening. It reminds me of something I heard from acoustic ecologist Gordon Hempton that our ears never sleep, even when our brain does.

The vent on the fan was the source of the leak. So this weekend I got out one of my climbing ropes so that I could do some repair work on the roof. Afterwords, as I was coiling the rope, I was struck by how ropes are like friendship. It takes me a long time to coil a 60 meter rope so perhaps I was just delirious but I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch.

Ropes help us cross dangerous terrain: In the mountains when conditions are icy, steep, or pitted with crevasses, being roped to a team helps ensure safety if someone falls. We know from research, like the longitudinal study that Dr. Robert Wallinger talks about in his TED talk, that friendship has a similar effect. Good relationships keep us happy and healthy.

It’s easier to unkink a rope when it’s not frozen: Ropes, like friendships, get knotted and kinked sometimes. Ropes, like friendships, are easier to unkink when they aren’t frozen. When guides come back into camp after a summit or training exercise, they take care of the ropes right away. Even when the conditions are rough and people are tired and sore, it’s worth the effort to straighten and coil it before it freezes. In my experience, this is true for friendships as well.

Ropes are heavy: Carrying a climbing rope adds around 10 pounds to your pack, more if the rope is wet. When my friends and I climbed together, we’d divvy up the group gear to spread the load. But often when a climber isn’t feeling well, a team member will carry the rope for them. In my experience of good friendships, the same thing happens with carrying the weight of the relationship. Often, it isn’t a completely equitable split of time and effort that makes a friendship work but the willingness of both parties to switch off carrying the load when things get rough or busy.

Here’s the other thing that I love about ropes – they require me to find someone to hold the other end. I tend towards the stubbornly independent so this slows me down enough to get help. As I coiled the rope back up, I also appreciated how reassuring it was to have my mom and sister-in-law there when I roped up to repair the seal around the fan vent. I never slipped or needed the rope to catch me but I knew it was there and it made me feel safer. Just like my friendships.

(featured photo is mine of a rope coiling at the climbing gym)

You can find me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wynneleon/ and Instagram @wynneleon

I host the How to Share podcast, a podcast celebrates the art of teaching, learning, giving, and growing.

I also co-host the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast, an author, creator and storytelling podcast with the amazing Vicki Atkinson.

Living Life Fully

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , , 64 Comments

“Some pursue happiness, others create it.” – unknown

Writing a going away card for our neighbors that are moving back to England forced me to put words to what makes them so special. When they moved here three years ago and their kids were 5, 7, and 9 years old, what was most noticeable were their charming accents.

But their charm ran a lot deeper than that. They came to Seattle with a spirit of adventure. The dad’s job allows him to work anywhere in the world. I heard the mom describe their decision making process of looking at the whole globe and choosing Seattle. The water, the mountains, the green drew them in.

So luckily they landed in our neighborhood – right on our street! I met the kids when I was helping out with school picture day as I escorted anyone that was new to the school or out sick on regular picture day down to the photographers. In the process I met these three delightful children who were verbosely happy and excited to be here.

But here’s what was so inspiring about them. They weren’t just happy and adventurous people when they landed. They maintained it for the three years they lived here and by doing so they enraptured our whole community.

I’d see them after a break and they’d have taken a road trip down through Oregon, California, Nevada and back up through Utah, Colorado, Wyoming, and Idaho. The mom would joke that they’d rolled in at 11pm the night before school started again so she wasn’t going to win any Best Mum awards for that.

They did things like climbing to Camp Muir on Mt. Rainier, and spending one holiday at a dude ranch. One holiday they went to Las Vegas and let each of the kids pick a show to see for their night. Then they spent the rest of their time exploring the wilderness near Red Rocks.

It was like without the ruts of having lived in the area long enough to know their favorites, they were free to bounce around and try everything. And the same went for friendship. Not knowing anyone meant that they were open to meeting everyone.

The Buddhists and Stoics talk about contemplating our demise as a way to live more fully. It strikes me that my neighbors exemplified an aspect of this. They likely knew they’d return to England at some point so they lived this adventure to the fullest while they were here.

Here’s what I finally landed on for their going away card. This family with their adventurous, happy and authentic hearts was a gift to us and our community. They reminded us how many wonderful places, experiences and people are around when you are willing to look. And because openness translates to any language, a blessing wherever they go.

May we all be.

(featured photo is mine)

You can find me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wynneleon/ and Instagram @wynneleon

I co-host a author, creator and storytelling podcast with the amazing Vicki Atkinson. To tune in, search for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Spotify, Apple, Amazon Music or Pocketcasts (and subscribe) or click here. Or the YouTube channel features videos of our interviews. Please subscribe!

My other projects include work as a CEO (Chief Encouragement Officer), speaking about collaboration and AI through the Chicago Writer’s Association, and my book about my journey to find what fueled my dad’s indelible spark and twinkle can be found on Amazon: Finding My Father’s Faith.

A Mini Blog Tour

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , 76 Comments

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real…to be honest…to let our true selves be seen.” – Brene Brown

A few years back I proposed/threatened/promised that I wanted to one day pack my kids and dog into an RV and go on a tour to meet blog buddies. The WordPress community really is so amazing for incredible stories, big hearts and willingness to interact.

While that tour is mostly a fantasy, I’ve been lucky enough to meet so many bloggers through Zoom when we’ve done podcasts. I’ve enjoyed these conversations with people that feel like they are already friends immensely.

On top of that, I’ve been fortunate to meet a number of WordPress friends in person over the years. Playwright Jack Canfora, artist Libby Saylor, Deb (Closer to the Edge blog), and Betsy Kerekes (Writing and Martial Arts blog). Unfortunately, I’ve not yet met my podcast partner and dear friend, Vicki Atkinson (Victoria Ponders blog) in person. But I was lucky enough to meet Vicki’s brilliant and delightful daughter when she came to Seattle.

When the incredible and effervescent Cindy Georgakas (Uniquely Fit blog) said she was coming to the Seattle last weekend, I jumped at the opportunity to spend a few minutes with her as well. My kids, Cooper the dog, and I piled into the car to do a mini blog adventure to meet up with her near where she and her family were staying.

Cindy confessed that her family didn’t think her blogging friends were real. Not only was it fun to prove that notion wrong but it’s also pretty amazing to discover that our blogging friends are pretty much who you’d expect them to be based on their writing.

Jack is witty, Libby is passionate, Deb is whip-smart and charming, Betsy is clever and strong, and Cindy is authentic and inspiring. Seeing that depth in person makes me even more grateful for the realness of this lovely community!

(featured photo taken by Cindy Georgakas)

The Art and Science of Making Friends

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , , , 48 Comments

“There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve have just met.” – Jim Henson

This was originally published on 3/15/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

This past Saturday night I was over having dinner at my friends’ Rachel and Karl’s house. As our kids happily played together, we talked about technology, philosophy, and their recent vacation to Mexico and I marveled at how much I enjoy their friendship. It started because their daughter and mine were in a preschool co-op class and we often worked in the classroom on the same days.

When I had kids at age 46 and again at 50, I essentially started a new phase of life that was out of sync with my friends. None of my friends from before I had kids have kids as young as mine. So I needed to expand my circle of friends if I wanted to have friends that were experiencing the same things as I was.

I found establishing friendships with people that have young children to be hard. First off, everyone has just expanded their family and is all hands-on-deck with supporting new life. Secondly, having young children doesn’t mean we have anything else in common. And thirdly, research shows that we typically have the most friends at age 25 when we are establishing our identity and from there, our friend networks get smaller, often with a focus on fewer but more in-depth friends.

A recent study revealed that only 50% of people report establishing a new friend in the last year.

[I’m going to insert a big aside here. I think this might be a much different number in the blogging community where we are “introduced” to new people regularly and form some of what I think are great blogging friendships, or as my friend Betsy calls them, Blog Buddies. The research I mention here was focused on the broader population.]

Listening to a Ten Percent Happier podcast with psychologist and professor at the University of Maryland, Dr. Marisa G. Franco who has recently written a book called Platonic, made me think about the parenting friendships I’ve established in the seven years since I’ve had kids. It’s taken some time but I’d say that I’ve established a handful of close ones.

Here are some of the things I’ve found helpful in creating new friendships interspersed with some of the wisdom from Dr. Franco.

Openness

You have to be vulnerable. This is a hard one for me because my biggest fear is to be seen as a needy person who can’t do it herself. So I’ve worked hard to open up to people who have earned my trust.

Attachment Style

Dr. Franco has found we have attachment styles that affect our ability to make friendships. There is a lot of room for interpretation in our relationships (e.g. is that person just busy or ghosting me?) and our past relationships can factor in on how we do that interpretation.

  • Securely attached people tend to not to take things as personally and to think people like them.
  • Anxiously attached people tend to cling or lose themselves because they assume they’ll be rejected.
  • Avoidantly attached people don’t want to give others the chance to reject them or use their vulnerability against them.

Dr. Franco says being aware of our styles can be really helpful so that we understand the filter we are using when interpreting new friendships.

This brings to mind a recent situation with a parenting friend. I had made overtures to do things again and again. She always said, “yes” but never made the effort herself. I tend to be the securely attached style but I started to wonder if I was the only one who valued the relationship when she offered up the comment, “Thanks for thinking of this. I have social anxiety and often forget to reach out.” Ah – awareness matters.

Continuity

What often falls off my radar is my existing friends. I confess to being not very good at planning things with my pre-parenting friends. Life feels busy and that falls into “me” time that is hard to set aside. So I’m always incredibly grateful when they reach out and suggest get togethers. I do my best to tell them I appreciate it!

On the morning after that lovely dinner with my parenting friends, Rachel and Karl, my best friend from when we were seven-years-old, Katie, came over to hang out with me and my kids. Friends, from all phases of life – what a blessing and well worth the effort.

(featured photo from Pexels)

Friendship Though the Ages and Stages

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , , 61 Comments

“Well, you can’t make old friends.” – Zadie Smith

Have you thought back to how you survived middle school? I mean, I think it’s safe to assume anyone that is reading this is past the age of 13. I remember that age as being the start of understanding that there was a whole wide world outside of my family and it involved crushes, hopes and dreams, and weird things happening to my body that I didn’t want to talk about with my mom.

Katie. That’s how I made it through middle school. My dearest friend that I’ve known since age seven. She was over at my house yesterday spending time with me, Miss O, Mr. D and Cooper. I list us all out because we all needed time with her.

She reminds me of a line I got from Mark Nepo in the Book of Awakening. In German, the root of the word friendship means place of high-safety. With old friends, I think that might be especially so because they knew us from before we were anything. We had dreams of what we might become, but now that we’ve hit middle life, we’ve cycled through a lot of different ages and stages, and old friends, like Katie have seen it all.

Because to be friends for this long, I don’t think there’s any way to maintain any artifice. We’ve survived the ups and downs of life as well as testing out the waters of how we meet the world. We’ve had to work out whether we are friendly, trustworthy, and kind – and apologize and make amends when we’ve fallen short.

Watching Katie with my family, I realize that there’s an associative property of friendship. That my little ones trust her as much as I do. Probably because they can sense that ease that comes with old friends. Well, that and because Katie is simply amazing – present, smart, funny, kind, and encouraging.

I think back to my naivety and hopefulness in middle school. It was confusing and emotional as we worked out what came next in life. I’m less naïve now as I know that middle life also brings challenges with family, friends, aging, and loss. But I’m still quite hopeful – probably because I’ve been lucky enough to have a Katie, then and now.

(featured photo is me (left) and Katie (right) – maybe in middle school?)

Friendship Brownies

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , 26 Comments

“A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us be what we should.” – unknown

This was originally published on 2/9/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

After I wrote that post on Vulnerability last week, I had lunch with my friend Doug. He was the person I mentioned in the post as the friend who’d asked about the blog and then not responded when I shared it with him. Turns out that he’d both read and liked the writing very much but just had forgotten to respond. We had a good laugh about that. Fortunately I’d written another post about him on my personal blog that we could also talk about.

Doug is planning a climb of Mt. Adams with his son this summer. It’s a 12,280 foot mountain in Washington State – tall enough to be a challenge but not technical enough to need a lot of equipment and training. The last time we summitted this mountain was with his daughter about 10 years ago when she was 14 years old.

Doug asked if I remembered what packs we carried between our camp at about 9,000 feet and the summit. He is a meticulous packer and doesn’t carry anything more on his back than necessary.

I have a long history with backpacks – picking them out, carrying them, feeling relieved to take them off. At one point when I was in my thirties and planning a lot of climbing trips, I got one that was almost 6000 cubic inches. I can’t even describe how large that is but suffice it to say that when you have a backpack that big, your friends start believing you have room to carry their stuff.

Which is what happened when we were planning a climb on Mt. Rainier that would take place over Doug’s birthday. His wife asked me if I would carry some brownies up to celebrate Doug’s birthday. It was only after I happily agreed that she told me that Doug said he wouldn’t carry them because he didn’t want that unnecessary weight in his pack.

It is probably all this carrying of loads that makes one of my favorite meditations the one where I imagine I sit down, empty everything out of my pack, look carefully at each thing I’m carrying. When I’m done sorting through the worries, the presumptions, and fears as well as the love, the purpose, the nostalgia, the energy stored for digging deep, I mentally load the pack again with only what I need. I always carry a lighter load after that meditation.

But in thinking about those brownies, I realize that friendship means we are willing to carry things for other people that they won’t carry for themselves.

We hold in our packs a version of our friends at their brightest and most creative that can be shown to them when they are in a slump. We carry memories of the times we laughed, did silly things, failed and succeeded. We store all the depth of the ways we have walked side by side on the path as well as the times we waited at an intersection while they took a detour and vice versa.

Then at just the right moment, we unpack the brownies we’ve carried so far and celebrate our friends. There are some things worth the extra weight and friendship is one of them.

I’ve written about another powerful climbing story on Wise & Shine – Climbing to the Top of the Rankings.

(featured photo is my own – Mt. Elbrus, Russia)

Community

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , 39 Comments

“Know all the theories. Master all the techniques. But as you touch a human soul be just another human soul.“- Carl Jung

This was originally published on 4/20/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

This last weekend, I was out listening to live music for the first time in two years and suddenly the people, the place and the context overran me with a sublime feeling of community. I was with my brother and his wife. The lead singer of the blue grass group we were listening to went to high school with my brother so the audience was filled with many of his high school friends and families that I’ve known from 40 years ago.

The place stirred up this feeling of connection because it’s a community center in my neighborhood that holds classes, the farmers market in the summer and my daughter went to pre-school there.

And the context struck me because the last time I was in this performance hall, two years ago before the abrupt pandemic shutdown, it was for a story-telling night for all the kids of my daughter’s preschool and the same twinkle lights were hanging from the ceiling.

As a consultant, I work alone and as a single-parent, I parent alone. Although I see, email and text family and friends all the time, it’s different than being in a room filled with people listening, singing and clapping.

It reminded me of a powerful mediation led by my meditation teacher. We close our eyes and picture an aspen grove. We see the individual trees, the way they stand tall, the singular leaves that blow in the wind. Then as we focus on those trees and start to relate to them, we go underground and see how all the roots are connected. The health of an aspen grove is a web of interdependence because it’s one root system. They, like us, all come from One, and the image of separateness is just an illusion.

And so it was with my moment in the auditorium last weekend. It was if I have been going about spinning the threads of my life and then I received one beautiful moment of perspective that gave me a glimpse of how they all tie together. Which went beautifully with the music. Here’s the thread of a story about a couple spun through one of the band’s hit songs, Be Here Now by True North:

They were on their honeymoon, and the bride said to the groom

I just can’t forget the dream I had last night.

I saw John, Paul, George and Ringo, In the church yard playing bingo on the gravestones

This is how the groom replied:

He said “Be here now

Be with me, look into my eyes, kiss me

Make this a moment we will savor, and will put aside for later

We are young , our lives begun

But it will not last forever, they’ll be days we’re not together

So be here now.”

They’re in their middle years, pretty deep in their careers

And he called her from the plane in Amsterdam

I just heard John, Paul, George and Ringo , from that dusty old single on the muzak

It made me want to hold your hand

He said, “Be here now

Be with me, look into my eyes, kiss me

Though our hearts still feel this hunger, we won’t get any younger

From the start our days were numbered

So be here now.”

It was after visiting hours

And he’d rearranged the flowers

And she hadn’t recognized him in a week

And the nurses heard him sing “Hey you’ve got to hide your love away”

And she opened up her eyes and began to speak

She said “Be here now

Be with me, look into my eyes, kiss me

Every breath becomes a treasure, in my heart we’re young forever

My race is nearly run, I no longer feel the sun

But I can face whatever comes just…

Be here now.”

The word community is defined by Merriam Webster as “a unified body of individuals” – maybe because of living in a particular area, or a common interest, whether it be social, professional or religious. But community brings unity – a sense of togetherness.

As I was sitting in that audience last weekend, I felt the ease of collective energy in a room full of great music. The physical reminder that we are in this experience together and it was a thin place. Thin place as explained by Bishop Michael Curry of the Episcopal church as those places, moments, people, experiences when you get a sense, “Wait a minute, God just touched me.” Something beyond me just happened to me. Those moments when time is intersected by eternity.

As I got that tell-tale shiver, all I could think was “Be here now.”

I’ve written a related piece on the Wise & Shine blog about how community helps to make our writing findable: Promoting Your Writing With Search

(featured photo from Pexels)

False Positives

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , 48 Comments

“A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us be what we should.” – unknown

Recently I was driving my eight-year-old daughter and her friend to camp. In the back, one was teaching the other to blow bubbles with Hubba Bubba bubble gum and between spit, pops, and crackles, they were talking about a girl they were in camp with.

“She doesn’t like it when we cheer her on and give encouragement,” one said.

“Yeah, it makes her grumpy,” the other replied.

At which point I couldn’t hold my silence any longer and asked my daughter, Miss O, why she doesn’t like it sometimes when I give her encouragement. She teased out that she doesn’t like it when I cheer her on and she’s not close to her goal, when it feels like the gap of accomplishment is too big for the praise she’s receiving.

But, I countered, sometimes the person doing something can’t actually see how close they are.

Our conversation made me think of the work of friendship. How we hold a space for each other that’s based on who we know the other can be. And yet, it can sometimes miss the mark if our ideas get outsized, are based on an old idea of who our friend was, or comes across as inauthentic.

Miss O’s comment reminds me that no amount of perceptiveness or encouragement on the part of a friend works if we haven’t done our own inner work to be able to hear. Listening to these two young girls talk, made me realize that some of our self-limiting beliefs can start really early in life. It left with me a feeling of introspection that I chewed on for most of the day: patterns, beliefs, encouragement, friends. It made me want to drive carpool every day just to heart two eight-year-olds remind me of the basics of life.

For more of the wisdom of children, please check out my Heart of the Matter post about what my 4-year-old son taught me about the power of working for something, Working for Joy.

Love at First Write

Posted in friendshipTagged , , , , , 37 Comments

“Write what you need to read.” – adage

I’ve been mulling over online relationships, specifically the WordPress blogging buddy ones, lately. Mostly because last week when I was in NY, I got to hang out with two blog friends, Libby Saylor aka The Goddess Attainable, and Jack Canfora, from The Writing on the Padded Wall blog.

So now I’ve met three bloggers that I regularly read, including a wonderful hike with the amazing Deb from the Closer to the Edge blog. And a fourth, Betsy Kerekes from the Motherhood and Martial Arts blog is coming to visit this week.

In all these cases, I love to read the writing of these wonderful people – and when I’ve met them, they’ve been exactly who I’d expected they’d be, with the added bonus of being able to feel their energy and presence.

If you add to that Vicki Atkinson from the Victoria Ponders blog and my partner in the Heart of the Matter blog, with whom it feels like we are like-minded sisters even though we’ve only met by Zoom or Teams video calls, and all the lovely people we’ve gotten to meet doing podcasts – it feels like I’ve been lucky enough to meet a lot of bloggers.

And in all the cases, they are as delightful to interact with in real-time as they are to read. This makes me realize that when we write from our authentic, deep and vulnerable places, it speeds our ability to get to know each other. In fact, I regularly have more vulnerable conversations in the blogging community than in real life because I’m writing and reading about topics that are really meaningful to me or the author.

So yesterday, when I was reading Vicki’s blog, Finding Our People, it brought the topic full circle for me. I’m grateful to be part of this wonderful and supportive community of people that I cherish. It’s an honor to read everyone’s deep, fun, and beautiful writing. It’s a pleasure to meet people in person. And it’s a leg up on wonderfully meaningful and authentic friendships when we get to do both!

I’ve written a companion piece to this one on the HoTM blog about being open to new people: Love at First Sight. Check it out!

(featured photo from Pexels)

Self-Awareness and Reflection

Posted in friendshipTagged , , 40 Comments

“Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?” – John Keats

When I was hanging out with my friend, Scott, yesterday over a cup of tea – well, tea for me, coffee for him, if we want to be particular about it – Scott said something like “I’m not the most empathetic person. I have to remind myself to be empathetic.” Since he’s been a friend for 25 years, I was a little surprised by this news and asked if there was a time when he realized this. He responded about 5 or 7 years ago.

So I followed up to ask what happened to change this. Scott replied that the guy that he hired as a business partner would go into companies where Scott had worked for years and then say things to him like, “Did you know Susie lives in our neighborhood too?” And Scott would be absolutely flabbergasted that he had missed all the personal information and conversation by being purely focused on business for years.

It reminds me of something I heard Dan Harris talk about on his Ten Percent Happier podcast with NYU Stern School of Business professor, Scott Galloway. That in the pursuit of economic success, they have missed many opportunities to be nicer and they’ve realized it.

I’m paraphrasing here, but what I walked away from these comments by middle-aged white men, including Scott, who I would have never labeled as insensitive, is #1, that there is a ton of pressure as men to wrap up their self-worth and identity in economic success. And #2 that some of them realize that as missed opportunities when that pressure abates. Then #3 is that they are remarkable when they do the work to change it.

You know what I love about hanging out with reflective and self-aware people? They make me smarter about my journey. In this case, about my ability to acknowledge pain in myself and others and to empathize. And it helps me when I have to answer questions from my kids so that maybe a smidgen of this reflection is passed along.

This all relates in a beautiful, big picture way to the question Miss O asked me yesterday: “Mama, Why Would We Want to Feel Their Pain? It’s my post on the Wise & Shine blog today.

(featured photo from Pexels)