Lessons from Letting Go: Parenting Reflections

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“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” – Winnie the Pooh

There’s a lot of grief that comes with parenting, isn’t there? And I’m not referring to the grief the kids give us. I’m talking about the variety that comes with letting go.

My 10-year-old daughter< Miss O, changed the wallpaper of my phone to be a rotation of pictures of her and her younger brother. Now every time I tap the phone, I see a picture of one of the two of them, usually as younger kids.

Along with the cute pictures comes the grief. It’s small but I feel a stab of knowing I’ll never hold them on my hip like that again. Or that the era of toddler speak that required Momma interpretation has ended. Or that we don’t have so many moments of un-self-conscious joy anymore. There are all sorts of things to mourn as I get that momentary hit of how much we’ve changed. As neuroscientist Maya Shankar explains, every change comes with a loss of identity.

When I leaned into the grief, I found three things blooming underneath.

Gratitude. My sister-in-law’s mom, Georgia, repeatedly told me a story when I first had kids. She said that when my sister-in-law was six or seven, she asked Georgia to play. Georgia laments that her reply was, “No, Honey, I’d rather read my book.”

I learned from that story to say “yes” so that I’m not talking about it when I’m 75-years-old. There have been many moments it has been hard to put down my book or stop progress on something I want to get done. But more or less, when my kids have said, “Mommy, look?” or “Mom, do you want to play ball?” I’ve said yes. So now when I feel the pangs of grief that come with letting go the younger selves of my kids, I also feel the gratitude for all the memories we have made and continue to make.

Learning. My kids have learned to walk, talk, ride a bike, read, play musical instruments, bat a ball and a myriad of other things. But the grief makes me realize how much I’ve learned as well. Things like that I had name my feelings so I could teach them how to name theirs. Also how to pitch baseballs, get grass stains from the ballfield out of pants, make slime, and clean slime from clothes too. These years have not only been full of memories but also lessons and growth too.

Faith. Miss O is heading to middle school next year. The horizon is already changing with boys, more complex relationships, and a wider circle of independent activities. The number of things I can’t control is growing exponentially larger every day.

Of course, I’ve never been able to control much. This whole journey of parenting has helped me lean into faith. To say “yes” to making memories, learning, loving and leading, and then leave the rest to God.

Grief is uncomfortable. Even the small “g” kind that I’m feeling these days. But underneath it is a whole lot of goodness that reminds me to lean in to creating a life worth growing out of.

(featured photo is Miss O and Mr. D in 2019)

61 thoughts on “Lessons from Letting Go: Parenting Reflections”

  1. “leave the rest to God”–yes for that, Wynne. Cutie O and D. I have faith O will manage well in middle school. And I’m just a daughter, not a mother, so my Mama can relate this much.🤗

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  3. It is as you say, Wynne.You get a second chance as a grandparent, if you are lucky. And when the grandchildren are small, they will call you mom once or twice, and your heart will fill with a brief repeat of a very special joy.

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  5. That cover picture is precious. As is the Winnie the Pooh quote. My kids are adults now, almost middle-aged, and I still miss their baby/little kid selves. I’m so glad you have learned to stop and do things with them. It is my biggest regret that I was often “too busy.” They tell me that I may not have spent quantity time with them, but I did spend quality time with them. (Maybe they are just being kind) xo

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    1. That’s so interesting about their little baby selves. It’s amazing how much this job and relationship changes. And I’m sure you did spend quality time with them. Such a hard balance – thanks for the great comment!

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  6. “This whole journey of parenting has helped me lean into faith. To say “yes” to making memories, learning, loving and leading, and then leave the rest to God.” … Amen Wynne!

    As a parent perhaps the most difficult times to say, “Let go and let God” is with our children. The blessed memories we shared together with them help calm the small “g”s, and the last two words my mother spoke to me comfort my soul with God’s eternal promise . . . “Later Freddy”

    Keep Looking Up ^ … His Best is Yet to Come!

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  7. Cute photo Wynne.
    ‘Letting go’ can be so hard, can’t it? I’ll pass on a message from my much missed therapist, who told me not to compare my parenting skills of years ago with the present. Attitudes, both societal and personal, change. “So concentrate on being the parent you want to be today and know you did your best”.
    I still think that is good advice.
    “Being the best parent we can be”.

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  8. Kids just grow us so quickly, don’t they? I love that, despite twinge of grief, you can recognize that you said “yes” more than now and have been fully present as they explore their world and discover themselves.

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  9. I completely understand your feelings of grief. I believe that’s why it’s hard for me not to refer to my two as my babies, because it’s the way I still see them. I realize and respect that they’re now adults, but they will always be my babies.

    Enjoy the ride, Wynne! Enjoy every bit of motherhood.🙏🏽💕🌺

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  11. That’s helpful, Wynne. I think there is something of grief in knowing that we’re not the people we were and our children/ grandchildren aren’t the people they were – with the resulting relationships…. Perhaps we can live with and perhaps overcome that grief by learning, appreciating and being grateful for the new people we have all become and are becoming… and the evolving and hopefully more mature relationships that come.

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    1. Isn’t that a profound bit of wisdom? One of the examples she gave was of need to get hearing aids or glasses – even those seemingly “small” changes come with a change in perceiving ourselves differently. Thanks for the comment, Belinda!

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  15. Oh this is beautifully tender, Wynne. When I was explaining grief recently to T – in the context of my dearly departed mom, sister and cat – I said that grief and loss is one of the price we pay for love and happiness in life. And to enjoy what we have, including those chubby limbs, grabbing our kids by the hips, and those moments of invitation to play and when we’re the centre of their universe. I think he got it and it was a reminder to me too that how lucky are we to experience love and joy and kids in this life – so much so that we are reminded with pangs of grief through each stage.

    That photo of a younger Miss O and Mr D says it all. A life full of love, joy and fun – thanks to you!

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    1. It hit me again just reading your comment about “chubby limbs.” Yes! Your explanation is right on. And you’re right – it’s worth it to be “reminded with pangs of grief through each stage.” Right, right, right! Thanks, my friend!

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  17. I love the heartfeltedness (not a word but should be) of this post, Wynne. Saying “yes” when you’ve got other things to do is very tough…but as you point out, it can help stave off regrets later. We’ve all cried to “Cats In the Cradle” before!

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  18. Wow. So much to love here Mary Wynne. I’ll admit I had a hard time focusing on your words for a minute or two…not wanting to look away from the sweet faces of Miss O and Mr. D in superhero shirts…I have no idea how you’re managing to remain functional with scrolling photos of their faces…sweet moments…popping on your phone. Sigh….
    What I love about your family and your parenting is that you say yes without resignation (even when you have loads of your own stuff to do). Building new memories and jumping into new adventures, with all the love and giggles and good times? It propels the three of you forward in so many ways.
    Much love, much love! 💝💝💝

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  19. This is so relatable as a mom! All three of my children are adults, and there are times I look at them and their younger selves are superimposed on their adult selves. I remember holding my youngest as a baby and thinking about when he would begin to crawl and then walk and go to kindergarten and middle school and I had him grown, married and out of the house in my mind. I was bawling my eyes out knowing how fleeting the time would be. And here I am looking at a young man with a fantastic relationship with a wonderful woman and I miss the days when he and his older brother and sister were running around the house.
    Enjoy every moment you have with them! And thanks for sharing.

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  20. you are caught in the push/pull of loving by wanting to hold on but also knowing it’s loving and so important to let them go for them to grow. the gifts you have given them of time, attention, and life experiences will always stay with them, whether they are near or far. their ‘leaving’ does bring on a sense of grief for what was and who they were, but it is also a sense of joy and celebration for who they are and who they are yet to become. ❤

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  21. Oh my Wynne, this is so real to me. The other day I watched my granddaughters while Nic and Julie went out. Now that they are older the kids have taken to showering instead of lingering in our large tub for an hour, playing with the toys I keep in a cookie jar by the facet. But this time they all wanted to bath. I sat there watching the three of them, they’re almost too big, their changing bodies fill the tub. I was wondering if this will be the last time? The thing is you never know. I didn’t know the last time I would dance with my dad was at my nieces wedding, the last time Dante used a high chair, the last time I was able to swing them around by their arms on the grass with their legs flying. It’s seems like forever and suddenly I’m on the other side. Hugs, C

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    1. Oh my goodness – the tears are flowing now. Yep, you never know when the last time will be so you just have to take it all in. I love that they wanted to bathe – that’s so sweet and heart-felt! Beautiful, Cheryl!

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  22. Both of my sons are home for spring break this week Wynne. I read this and instantly walked down to our kitchen where they were and made them give me a hug. They teased me, but that’s okay, I’ll take it. Love that when you dug you found good things underneath the grief. Makes it less about grief and more about replenishing the soul and seeing what next life has to offer. Thanks for the wise reminders!

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      1. I keep trying to take selfies with them so I have something to remember their visit . . . they’re less accommodating there. Oh, they’ll let me take the pic, but give me a hard time. Ha, ha. At least I get the hug.

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  23. I was a parent at an older age than many other moms. I think it gives us a perspective about spending time with our kids we wouldn’t have had if we were in out teens or 20s. You are so giving of your time, never too busy for them and have taught them so many good lessons that will follow them through life. Our son was a very affectionate boy. He called me “sweetheart” because he thought it was my name. My husband and I were crushed when he no longer wanted to hold our hands when we were walking. He’d spot someone coming toward us and our hand would be dropped. That was a tough one.

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  24. Parenting changes all the time. Just wait until your kids, who’ve always adored you, suddenly think you know nothing. Of course, I was the same way with my parents. The good news is that is just a phase they go through.

    Parenting can also be the definition of insanity. One of the things I laugh about is that we teach our kids to become independent and self-sufficient. Then, when our son did, my wife asked, But how come he never needs our help anymore?

    My answer was always, “Because we did a good job.” Actually, he still would ask me to proofread his college papers. The bottom line is that he turned out great and is now a fabulous dad to his own little guy.

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  25. What a rich post with those cute little faces, Wynne! They grow so fast and it’s so true how things change and we continue to hit road bumps along the way but there are so many gifts as we stay present to what is and they delight in new ways down the road. You’re a great mom❣️

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  27. This really jumped out to me : ” The number of things I can’t control is growing exponentially larger every day.” That is SO true! (and that is a great reminder for me (as my little ones have each built households of their own, each with their brood of little ones, and my ability to affect any kind of meaningful change (if I see things that concern me) is even less..or is it? Parenting is such a mystery. I do my best, and then leave each of them in the hands of God. I refuse to wallow in regret. I did the best that I knew how with the amount of energy/ information I had at the time. Powerful post Wynne! DM

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  28. cute kids 🙂 well, I’ve had three kids and three — or is it four ? — grandkids and somehow nothing bad happened; I know bad things can happen but I remember: what’s the point of worrying — most things don’t happen and the ones you don”t worry about, do . If I still worry I go to Philippians 4 . That sets me at peace —

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  30. OK, I have to add this quote, which I just hand-copied from Malala’s book Finding My Way last night. It’s from Greek philosopher Heraclitus: “No man can step in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man.” Meaning everything continues to flow, and changes in time, experiences, and ourselves are essential. Doesn’t mean it’s easy, but means we would be wise to accept and appreciate it.

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  31. Awww! That’s such a cute photo of the 2 of them!

    My daughter and I are having those poignant moments a lot lately with the twins in their 1st year at college. Miss L just rented a house to live in instead of the dorm, and Mr. D just told Miss T (5 years younger than the twins) not to worry about getting a vehicle for her first car in a couple of years, because he will give her the one he’s currently using! They’re growing up and stretching their wings. We see that they’re not n any hurry to sever the ties they have with us, rather they’re leaning into them as they find their footing as young adults. (They’re severely reduced the ties with a few other family members as they’re now old enough to see their characters.)

    Being an involved parent will always bring poignant moments!

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  32. I’ve never thought about grief that way, but it makes a lot of sense. I wonder if the reverse is possible, when we grow old and our children need to take care of us. I’m curious how that looks, and how gratitude, learning, and faith will show up in that stage of life.

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