Life Begins Now: The Parenting Trap

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“It still amazes me that we insist on teaching algebra to all students when only about 20 percent will ever use it and fail to teach anything about parenting when the vast majority of our students will become parents.” – Nel Noddings

My dad used to tell this joke: Three religious leaders were asked the question, “When does life begin?”

The Catholic priest said, “At conception.“

The Protestant pastor replied, “At birth.“

The Rabbi answered, “When the last kid goes to college and the dog dies.“

I’m laughing. Wow do I feel this. As a parent of young children, I do more things in a day that I wouldn’t choose to do than things I would choose. That alone can make me feel as if my life is not my own. Add in the noise and chaos and it’s hard to find peace. Taken all together, that can make this phase of life seem like one to rush through.

 But I know I can’t assume that I’ll be able to enjoy my kids when they are mature adults. I had my kids when I was aged 46 and then 50. When my youngest is 30, I’ll be 80-years-old. Hopefully an alive, healthy, and active 80 years old but nothing is a given. I know that’s true at any age.

So I try to flip the punchline and enjoy my kids, and life, now.

Cleaning up messes

Things in my house are spilled nearly every day. Sometimes by me. Often not very big deals like when a glass of milk with a top on spilled the other day. It just left a corona of milk dotting the carpet.

Here’s the thing I’ve realized. It’s a chance to convey to my dear children that I’ll love them when things are messy.

Bonus points: Longevity specialist Dr. Peter Attia includes getting up from the floor with max of one arm for support on his Centenarian Decathlon list. It includes the ten most important physical tasks you will want to be able to do for the rest of your life. Every time I’m down on the floor cleaning, I celebrate working out the strength and neuromuscular control that I need.

Helping with personal hygiene

It’s funny that kids don’t come with personal hygiene habits baked in. I’d prefer not to have to remind others to brush their teeth or wipe their tush. Add a dog, cat and a crested gecko in the mix and I can pretty much guarantee that most days will have some involvement in someone else’s hygiene.

I love this one because it’s foundational to my outlook. It’s forced me as a congenital optimist, to accept that every day is not going to be perfect, comfortable, or even pretty.

And long after I’m gone, I can trust my kids will have some idea of how to keep their bodies safe.

Bonus points: My personal hygiene has suffered as a parent. Kudos to me when I remember to take care of myself as well.

Feeding them

There are some days where I make food, clean up from making food, only to find that by that time, more food is already required.

But, whether real or metaphorical, I’d argue that giving others fuel to live by is what we are here for.

Bonus points: This is a reminder that cooking is all about exercising our creative muscles. How can I make something when I realize I’m missing an ingredient? How do I make something that’ll last with what I have?

Melt downs

Oh, those moments when big emotions take over and make us uncomfortable. And by us, I mean not only the person melting down but also everyone close at hand. It can be precarious, unpredictable, and draining. It’s also 100% real.

Recently, I took my kids rock climbing. My six-year-old son got stuck halfway up the rock face. He couldn’t find a way past – not moving right or left or shifting his weight. He started to cry. Since I was belaying him, there was nothing I could do except be there with him. And it was the perfect metaphor because I was connected to him by a rope.

From 40 feet away, I shouted up my empathy for his frustration, tried some suggestions, told him he could come down, emphasized that I knew he could do it – everything I could do to help from afar. Finally he shook it off. Then he managed the coolest move — palming the rock with his right hand and smearing the face with his left foot, he leveraged himself up high enough to the next good hold.

It was as rousing of a feat of personal triumph as I’ve ever witnessed.

Here’s where you get to pick your image: port in the storm, rope anchor on a mountain, sacred ground – you have the chance to be that for someone else. And to learn a little bit about what it kicks off in you as well. We don’t often get to see adults do that – the trying, melt down, return and overcoming is usually a longer (and more hidden) process for grown-up risks and triumphs. There is nothing as powerful as watching someone overcome some real adversity. With young kids we get to see that nearly every day.

And then we get to celebrate their success.

Bonus points: It’s hard to stay regulated when someone else is dysregulated. Whether it’s my verbal 10-year-old daughter talking grown-up sounding sass that covers for her childlike emotions underneath or a stranger at the store, I feel it all the way through. But all this practice is helping my central nervous system to be buff!

Distraction

When awake and nearby, my kids provide continual distraction. I could be inside sitting at my computer typing and instead I’m out in a creek skipping rocks. Or I could be sitting on the couch with my phone in hand texting and instead I’m having a dance party and moving my hips. I hunt for snails and hold my kids’ hands while they learn to hoverboard.

Oh, that’s right – I’ve never once regretted a dance party, a rock skipping contest, time in nature, or moving my body.

Bonus points. Psychologist Dr. Alison Gopnik says that kids have lantern brain. They see everything that is around. Adults have spotlight brain – we focus on what needs to be done. Switching into lantern brain can help us solve problems, be creative, and open us to new insights. The distractions can actually help us with solutions for our work when we return to it.

Invasion of personal space

Yesterday my six-year-old son stuffed something in the pocket of my jeans. Gah.  

I’m all for enforcing the boundaries necessary to maintain healthy relationships. But before I decide what those boundaries are, I consider that my kids embody what we look like as open creatures that assume other people will help you carry your stuff.

Bonus points: Ask someone else to help you carry your stuff.

Time

I’m the only one that cares about time in my house. Being on time, getting to bed, the school bell is about to ring, dinner time, time for annual physicals, or it’s about time. All of it.

Because I’m the one that understands time is limited.

Bonus points: Stop caring about the future and enjoy the now.

I’m not guaranteed to get to 80 years old. But I bet that if I do, parenting will have extended my healthspan so that I enjoy it more. And I know I’ll be glad that I didn’t wait until the kids went to college and the dog died to begin living.

(featured photo is mine)

You can find me on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/wynneleon/ and Instagram @wynneleon

I host the How to Share podcast, a podcast about collaboration – sharing leads to success.

I also co-host the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast, an author, creator and storytelling podcast with the amazing Vicki Atkinson.

92 thoughts on “Life Begins Now: The Parenting Trap”

  2. I can distinctly remember a moment in my parenting journey (on the line of what the Jewish rabbi said) , Our youngest was probably 19 or 20, out of the nest and on his own…and it felt like I’d popped out of the jungle and into a clearing….years of chopping through the underbrush, dealing with one new challenge after another…(because just when you think you sort of have one season in your life figured out, you’re dealing with a new season. Never realized just how much energy it was taking just to stay on top of things. I’m watching you from my vantage point and am so amazed at your parenting Wynne. I mean that. Nobody does it perfectly…nobody. Secondly, much of the stuff I see in my adult kids now was more caught than taught…just like you’re working with your son on that rock climbing challenge. That stuff will shape him for life.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. So much wise wisdom in this post, Wynne, most of all is to enjoy our kids because nothing is life is guaranteed. Those meltdowns can be so hard and also teaching them about personal space but you said it with such grace when you said it’s important to embrace and learn to love our children and ourselves during the messy moments – from the daily spills to the bigger meltdowns.

    An inspiring post to start our week! Hope you all have a good one ahead!

    Liked by 6 people

  4. Wynne, what a thought-provoking post for Monday morning. Great reflection of parenthood and adulthood and childhood although for kids I’m not really sure they will get it. Kids tend to live in the moment because they’re like you said not ready to think at a different level. I cried when you told your dad’s joke about when life begins because we put our dog down in March after almost 15 years. My wife took it pretty hard, but it certainly does free us because we can come and go now.

    I think it’s good advice to live in the moment no matter where you find yourself. Thank you for the encouragement and reminder. Have a wonderful week.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I can understand the tears – losing our dear pets is so hard. Even if it does make some logistics easier. Thank you so much for the thoughtful response, Clay! Live in the moment — it makes so much sense and still, it’s hard to do! Hope you have a great week, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is such a great viewpoint Wynne. Cooking – LOL – I think of that commercial where they say something about “having to decide what’s for dinner, every day, for the rest of your life.” That’s one of those tasks that wears me out.
    The lantern brain and spotlight brain is an interesting analogy.
    I loved every moment of raising my son, but I did look forward to living the Rabbi’s joke. And then we had grandchildren and the cycle began again – where we love and worry and juggle, and relive our child’s childhood, messy parts and incredibly beautiful parts, all over again – through a different lens. … And I realized I haven’t slept since I brought that newborn home, and my life will never be solely mine.💞💞

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh, you put it so well, Rose – our lives will never be solely mine. Being able to see it all as a grandparent through a difference lens must be so interesting!! Sending blessings to you for all the work you did raising your son — and now your grandchildren.

      And cooking.. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. One of your best, Wynne. I could write a blog of my own praising you to the skies, just for this one. But I will say this. You raised the issue of mortality without using the word. I think you will make it to 80. It feels a little like Mr. D’s rock climbing, without the tears. Like him, just keep going. Live long and prosper.🖖

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This is a wonderful list. Very pragmatic, you are. I especially like: Stop caring about the future and enjoy the now. I find that difficult to do, but am aiming for it now. No kids here, but the sentiment is wise.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. The now is all we have Wynne, and although it sounds like parenting keeps you super busy (not to mention all the other balls you are juggling) I reckon you are amazing!
    I am not a parent, but TIME (don’t even go there😄)
    All we can do is give each day our all in whatever capacity that is.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Oh, Wynne, this is one of my favorite posts yet. There is so much wisdom, pragmatism, and humor–all the tools necessary to get us through our days, and through our lives. ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Erin. It’s so easy to wish away where we are because of what the future may hold. This is as much as reminder for me as everyone else. 🙂 Hope you have a great week!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I love this post, Wynne. My daughter’s a woman; these childhood dependent years go by so very quickly. You have the wisdom, awareness, and foresight to see you must have humor and balance to weather the pitfalls, and fully embrace the joys. Now. Really, I think it’s one of your best posts. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I have never heard of lantern vs. spotlight brain. It’s so true! My daughter at 28 years old has an occassional meltdown. Some less than fortunate situation can set her off like a toddler. You’re correct, it’s tough to be on the other end of the phone, since I’m not physically next to her. Still uncomfortable and I want to solve her problem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Elizabeth, I hear you about wanting to solve the problem. That is my default mode. And I know you celebrate each overcoming right alongside her!

      And I love the lantern brain versus spotlight brain imagery – it’s changed how I observe what they do!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That lantern brain makes so much sense! The whole world is new to your kids and they are taking it all in.

        My daughter once told me that if she called to rant or tell me about a problem, she wanted me to listen. She’d tell me if she’d want my help. It took awhile for me to figure that out.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. There is so much wisdom here, Wynne. Like everything in life, we can turn chores into positives with a shift in perspective.

    Like you, I was an older mom and, even if I live to be 92 like my mum, if my girls continue to live far away, I will need that healthspan to spend time with them. That’s my goal!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I love this. Parenting is a lifetime commitment, and despite the chaos and tough times, needs to be savoured. As a young mom, I tearfully called my mom for parenting advice and sobbed into the phone, “How long does this last?”. After a couple of moments, she calmly said, ” I still worry about you?” Well, my daughter just turned 50 and I still worry about her. Mom’s are always right.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. As someone with a math aversion, I wholeheartedly agree! (Having said that, I actually excelled at algebra. Just don’t get me started on geometry…that’s my kryptonite.)

    I’ve often wished I’d had my kids a little later, because I’m convinced that with maturity comes not just wisdom, but patience. Something I could have used more of in the toddler years.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make such a good point about patience. I’m sure that I have more now in my 50’s than I would have in my 30’s. So many tradeoffs – I’m sure there’s no way to do it perfectly as a parent, that’s for sure!

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Those difficult moments will end. The kids are growing quickly! They are internalizing the lessons that you are teaching them.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Great post Wynne!

    “Stop caring about the future and enjoy the now.”… that’s the attitude youngster! 🙂

    By God’s grace I’m knocking on the door of 83 and still enjoying exploring life’s adventures with my 25 and 32 year old sons … they kicked me out of Planned Parenthood 😄

    The past is behind. Enjoy today! It’s the youngest you’ll ever be again, and the closest you’ll ever be to an unknown future.

    Here’s a weird scary/motivating thought lady …
    you could be my daughter 😄😮😄

    Keep Looking Up ^ … His Best is Yet to Come!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. The Nel Noddings quote is spot on. Parenting and budgeting classes are badly needed. Your dad joke was hilarious. You’re going to enjoy some freedom once they turn 17–18, and you’ll be less than 70, so it’s all good, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. As always, you write with your endearing honesty that all parents can identify with. Life, especially parenting, can be messy. Still, becoming parents was the greatest decision of our lives, and I would have it any other way. At some point, you’re kids will become young adults, and you’ll think, Damn, I raised a couple of incredible humans. Best feeling in the world!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Your hectic schedule with work and kids is rewarding, Wynne. Indeed, kids have lantern brain, as I have spotlight brain. They can easily observe small things, and I wish I’m that too observant in my space sometimes, too. Lovely writing!

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  29. Wynne– I wish I had a few words of wisdom for you about this period of motherhood, but I don’t. All I have is, “Don’t blink or you’ll miss some wonderful moments.” Sadly, time truly flies as quickly as the blink of an eye. One minute they’re babies and the next they’re teens, then young adults. My son will be 22 tomorrow. It doesn’t even seem real. I can still remember holding him as a baby.

    You’re a wonderful mom, Wynne, and blessed to be as present in your two’s lives as you are. Soak it all up—the great moments and the challenging ones. As I mentioned, time passes quickly. They’ll be adults before you know it.💕🌸

    Liked by 1 person

  31. this is such an inspiring post, wynne, and I wish I had read it early on in my parenting days, it would have helped me to put things in perspective. you are really good at pulling focus and looking at the big picture, instead of only what is close at hand. sometimes it’s very hard to do in the moment, when fear, frustration or weariness are present and you are not sure how best to handle a parenting situation. I learned and practiced parenting by a trial and error process as I’ve said many times, and while not a process I’d recommend, I got better at it over time, and my daughters are now each wonderful mothers with their own styles. you’re doing great, wynne, and seem to have a natural instinct for doing what is needed in any given moment, and I admire you for that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, Beth, I’m taking your comment to heart and am SOOO grateful. I know I benefit from being an older parent – I wouldn’t have had this perspective if I was 20 years younger. Thank you, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  32. I love so much about this. Especially the Melt Down segment. Way to figure it out, Mr. D! The fact that you are enjoying life now is making an impression on your kids, and they will carry it with them always. Believe it or not, there are parents who are ‘just getting through’ those phases of life without letting themselves fully participate. Some are resentful of what they are having to give up. How sad for everyone if that is the mood at home.

    “I know I’ll be glad that I didn’t wait until the kids went to college and the dog died to begin living.” Yes, yes, yes! Favorite quote of all time is from Shawshank Redemption: “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

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    1. Oh Gwen, I love that quote!! And you are so right – there are plenty of parents that are resentful for what they are having to give up. I’d give parents the clear advantage for number of eye rolls I see at this elementary school stage. Way more than kids!

      Love what you say about, “The fact that you are enjoying life now is making an impression on your kids, and they will carry it with them always.” Thank you, Gwen!

      Like

  33. Oh boy, this took me back. I did not have the presence of mind nor the capacity to weigh out each situation, but I did have a simple philosophy that kept me mindful: I am raising my children to be independent and capable adults.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. Lantern and spotlight brain is brilliant. I feel like I’ve heard that before, so I probably read it here. I’m grateful for the reminder.

    This: But all this practice is helping my central nervous system to be buff! Omg, I love that!

    “I’ll be glad that I didn’t wait until the kids went to college and the dog died to begin living.” Yes. And kids probably do keep you young. You certainly can’t get sedentary. They’re great for your physical and mental exercise. Also, that joke made me laugh. 😛

    Liked by 3 people

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