Tag: self-acceptance

Dichotomies

Posted in ParenthoodTagged , , , , 10 Comments

“Follow the grain in your own wood.” – Howard Thurman

On a recent morning when my 6-year-old was tired at the end of her first week back to school after winter break, she ordered me to get her headphones. I stood undecided for a split-second – should I respond with the humor my dad would have used or the polite correctness my mom would have used?

It’s one of the challenges I’ve found with single parenting – not having someone represent the opposite end of the spectrum. There is no good cop/bad cop, just me, the tired and confused cop. Since I choose to have kids as a single parent, I have never part of a dichotomy in parenting. I can only imagine that it is probably both comforting and frustrating depending on how well it’s working in the moment.

We all take positions in our relationships whether we do it consciously or not. In one past relationship, I was the more active one. I’ve also been: the more cautious one, the more whimsical one, the more decisive one, the more expressive one, the more stubborn one. Which goes to show that each relationship brings out something different. In my family, I’m the younger sibling which allows my brother to be the older one.

I remember one Christmas in college when I was so frustrated with the conversation at the dinner table with my older brother because it made me feel so little and inexperienced again when I thought of myself as all grown-up. Walking into my parents’ house for a meal forced that role in the dichotomy I longed to be free of.

Now thirty years later, I don’t give it as much thought but still sometimes shake my head at my desire for my brother’s approval. There’s comfort in a dichotomy though, having a spot that makes us feel as if we don’t have to represent the full spectrum of possibilities on an issue. But when we get stuck in dichotomies, refusing the budge from our positions, as I’ve experienced not only in relationships but in our world, it can make talking feel futile. Then it takes whatever outside perspective we can access like therapy, spirituality, curiosity, to shift the dynamic before it gets toxic.

I think back to all the times in life that I’ve been single, and I see they have always forced me to do the work of discovering what I truly like and who I truly want to be. As Walt Whitman said, I contain multitudes and relating to others often brings out a facet that is appropriate for that interaction. Being alone forces an integration of my opinions and interests into what I’ve come to know as me. Dichotomies only work when there’s an opposing position to push against.

Which brings me back to single parenting. Not being able to rest in a dichotomy between the authoritative one vs the permissive one or the educator vs the voice of acceptance, I’ve had to uncover a lot of flexibility within myself. I’ve had to find out what kind of parent I am. It’s healed a lot of my internal unwillingness to see the other side. I can’t know what my next relationship will be but I do know that this awareness will help bring some humor and appreciation to the roles I may play.

So I responded to my daughter with a mix of my mom and dad. Bowing comically I said, “Here are your headphones, my highness. The only condition of my servitude is a please and thank you.”

(featured photo from pexels)

The Gifts of Imperfection

Posted in meditationTagged , , , , , , 11 Comments

“Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong. Sometime in your life, you will have been all of these.” – Buddha

The other day at work, I jumped in to help my colleagues with a project to create order from a bunch of data. In the course of an afternoon, we had so many emails, spreadsheets and versions flying around that my inbox was overflowing. Finally at one point I stated to a colleague that I didn’t have the version he was talking about. He forwarded an email sent to me 2 hours earlier that had the version.

I was mortified. I hate that particular kind of mistake that could have been prevented by a more detailed search of what I already had. It triggered the most unkind voice in my head.

I’d really like to do this all perfectly but fortunately I’ve had many years to come to terms with the fact that I’m far from perfect and never will be. Also on the plus side, I’ve learned a technique from my meditation teacher to create some space when I bump up against this.

It’s simply to talk to myself as if it were a friend that had made the mistake. It’s pretty easy to realize that I wouldn’t chastise a friend who had done the same. I’d say things like:

“Oh, I’ve done that before. It’s frustrating.”

“At least you didn’t send it to the customer with the wrong data. You stayed curious and kept asking questions.”

“Missing one spreadsheet in twenty? Not a bad ratio!”

Several times I’ve heard the Biblical instruction “Love your neighbor as yourself” turned around to be “Love yourself as your neighbor.” There is a lot of wisdom in not only cultivating kindness to others but also ourselves.

(featured photo from Pexels)

Stubborn Acceptance

Posted in meditationTagged , , , , , 14 Comments

“Wherever I go, I meet myself.” – Tozan

My friend Eric, called me stubborn this weekend. He didn’t say it directly to me but as an aside to my mom loud enough for me to hear because I didn’t want the pots in the dishwasher. It didn’t call for an answer but it’s an observation he’s made before so I thought about more deeply as my reactions rolled through me.

First, I got defensive and started wanting to point out all the ways and times that I am flexible.

Then, I got argumentative and created a list in my head of all the ways he is stubborn.

Next, associations started to weigh in and it reminded me of when my ex-husband used to call me in-de-pen-dent in four long syllables that made it clear it wasn’t a compliment.

And then I finally rolled to acceptance. It’s probably true. I’ve gotten a whole lot done in my life because I am pretty determined. This is the shadow side of that.

I wonder why it takes me so long to accept who I am. Probably because I’m stubborn. 😉

But I have hope because my determination to sit and meditate every day seems to help me cycle through all the defenses, arguments, and associations with less friction. It makes me think of the word humble and it’s origins in Latin from humus, meaning ground. Sitting on the ground meditating brings a repeated lesson of my small place in this Divine mystery, a humility that keeps me moving toward the reality of who I am and shedding of who I’m not. I find that most everything works better when I’m grounded.

(featured photo from Pexels)

I Like It!

Posted in authenticityTagged , , , , 9 Comments

“It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.” – Agnes Repplier

When I first started actively blogging, I was pleasantly surprised by the email that WordPress sends out. “Person X liked your post. They thought A Randon Post Title was pretty awesome.” But then those “likes” get pretty addictive, don’t they? So I recently I started thinking about “likes.”

If you hit “like” on this post, is it because you like me and generally think I’m a good person or is it because what I’ve written means something to you? And if you don’t hit “like” is it because what I’ve written doesn’t resonate or because we don’t have a relationship?

I know it isn’t such a cut-and-dried thing but if I break it down that way, I think about feedback and what I give away. After all, “likes” are free for me to give, so why not like everything? If I do, do those likes count for much anymore?

I read a beautiful metaphor that Mark Nepo included in The Book of Awakening. He was talking about someone who was interviewing for a job and she said she wanted to jump and down and yell “pick me.” In this way he said we are all like puppies at the pound, dying for someone to pick us and take us home.

But when I perform for “likes,” it can cost me my authenticity. Not always – sometimes it pushes me to do a better job writing and communicating. But I have also found myself at times changing my voice based on who I think is reading. The former is great, the latter is destructive.

I want you to like me. But as I discover again and again, whether it’s blogging, parenting or being a friend – more than important than that is whether I like me. From there, I’m okay with how many likes I get or don’t get as long as I’m telling my truth.

(photo by Pexels)

Back on Top

Posted in meditationTagged , , , , 4 Comments

“When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.” – John Muir

Sometimes I think I can more easily name mountain climbing trips where I didn’t summit than the ones I did. Like that time on Mt. Elbrus in Russia where I was throwing up at our camp at 13,500 ft and stayed in the hut with the really funny, nice guy from California who had a headache. Or the time on Mt. Orizaba in Mexico when we couldn’t cross that exposed couloir because the ice was too fractious to get a screw in. In both cases I was a long way from home not to succeed and maybe that’s why they stand out — though I can name the ones closer to home as well.

Looking back at those climbs now, I see they were a way for me to practice two elements of life “in play” before having to live them. I started climbing mountains in my late 20’s before I had racked up any big life losses.  So the first thing I was practicing is trying, that decision to tackle something that is really gutsy for me, not knowing whether or not I would succeed. And the second I was developing was being able to fail without seeing myself as a failure.

There’s a critical element of letting go for me when I don’t succeed. It is humility, recognizing limits. It’s all about accepting that I don’t have to be finished in order to be loved, even by or especially by myself. That self-acceptance has come with practicing failing. A choice between leaning in towards the love that has always held me or branding myself unworthy.

Here’s what climbing has taught me. Standing on top is great, especially if I’m mindful of the sacredness of what I see up there. It is a moment to take in all the commitment and teamwork it took to get there. But failing to get to the top just means I get to spend more time in the mountains and I practice that key part of life – trying. Lucky me!

I’ve also learned a secret — no one else in my life really cares whether I summit or not. As long as I walk back into the parking lot upright and smiling, it’s good enough for the people who know and love me. Of course they care if it’s important to me but often it’s what I try that sticks in their minds, not what I succeed at. No one else is tallying a score card of my life.

None of these things are only about climbing because now that I’ve failed plenty in my “real” life, I know they are just as true about life in general. It’s not easy to keep trying big things and its hard to fail – but practicing it makes it easier.

Years ago I had a friend who said to me in a moment of vulnerability when his dad died suddenly, “I just wish he’d been able to see me back on top.” He’d gone through some really hard life losses right before his dad passed and the pain of wanting to be successful in his dad’s eyes was palpable.

I can’t speak authoritatively for my friend’s father but I knew him as a gentle and wise man. I believe he already saw his son back on top. Because my friend was still trying and still smiling.