Extending One’s Self For Love

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“I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” – Dr. M. Scott Peck

I was telling my dear friend, Katie, the story of traveling home from New Orleans with my kids a few weeks ago. Miss O and I checked out bags. Then Miss O pointed out to Mr. D the really cool way our bags were traveling down the conveyer belt.

Mr. D wanted to check his bag then too. “No, “ I insisted. “That costs $30.” Which is a stupid argument to make to a four-year-old. So we sat down on the floor or the airport to have a family meeting. When nothing I was saying was working, I finally said, “Mr. D, I’ll give you $5 to NOT put your bag on the conveyer belt.”

Deal!

And then he gave me the $5 back about two minutes later.

Katie responded that I was a nice parent. Which made me think. I’m not sure if I approach it this way because I was raised in the era of “behave well – we don’t care what you feel” so I’m doing the opposite. Or out of necessity because most of the time I’m outnumbered. In this case, I simply didn’t have the strength or number of hands necessary to carry my backpack and a screaming kid through the airport.

But I’d also say that parenting has changed me. Now I’m really interested in helping little people through their emotions. In my negotiations, the answer never changes – my kids still have to go to school, not check their bags, and respect bedtimes. But I’m happy to work through how they feel about it.

Like when after three years of having no problems at pre-school drop-off, Mr. D started balking at the door. There have been lots of personnel changes and that seems to be the root of the reluctance.

I tried just leaving. I tried making deals. I tried going to Starbucks to talk about it. I tried using little plastic people to act out why.

And then I landed on riding bikes to school. Miraculously, it worked. It made it so that he didn’t have any problem going to school and his entire day was better. Then I started playing with the how. Driving eight-year-old Miss O to school so she didn’t have to ride every day. Then running alongside Mr. D as he rode his training wheel bike.

I’ve adjusted the length and we’ve tried scootering instead of biking. Even a .4 mile scoot works.

Sure, I’m showing up at work sweaty and late from running alongside and then back to the car again. I needed more exercise anyway. And it works. It changes his whole day because we’ve figured out how to move the energy that was blocking him.

Dr. Peck’s definition of love at the top of this post resonates with me. There are so many ways that people extend themselves in love. Working through feelings happens to be mine for this phase of life, born out of necessity and time. It’s had extended benefits in the patience I have for other areas as well – work, friendship, and pet ownership.

Here’s to everyone doing the hard work of love in whatever way works for them.

44 thoughts on “Extending One’s Self For Love”

  1. You’re a super mom, Wynne. I think the key to your success, and I marvel at how you did it with two kids on your own, is your flexibility and empathy. That goes such a long way and it shows.

    I hope the changes with Mr D’s daycare personnel settles down soon too! 🙏

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    1. What a compliment coming from you, Ab. Flexibility and empathy – what a great combo when we can achieve it. I don’t always but at least they are qualities that I can keep working on. Happy Monday, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Smart mother. Sadly I grew up in a generation that know kids should be seen and not heard. I tried to change that in my parenting style, but I must admit as I look back at parenting (I’m 76 today), I am afraid I still carried a little of that style with my girls. I’m glad you understand they have emotions that need to be respected.

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    1. I hear you, Barb. It’s hard to change from how we were parented. I think being an older parent has helped me a great deal on that score. Thank you for the lovely comment.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “Now I’m really interested in helping little people through their emotions.” You’re helping them today … but the really cool thing you’re doing is helping them so that tomorrow they understand their emotions and can help themselves. What an amazing gift to give your kids Wynne!!!! I can’t think of a better present. 🎉🎉🎉😎😎😎

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    1. Love this insight, Brian. Yes, there is only so long that I’ll be able to help them so thankfully they can learn for themselves. Thank you, my friend!

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  4. I can think of a few moms as good, but none more sensitive to their children’s needs. No one has every answer. Keep going, Wynne.

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  5. I love this…a testament to the importance of little bits of flexibility, reaping big rewards: “Even a .4 mile scoot works.” Cheers to little scoots! 😎

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  6. I love how you look for the reasons behind your children’s feelings. I believe you are helping them on handling their emotions as they get older. If only I could go back in time and use your methods!

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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. You know – I suspect I wouldn’t be this flexible or curious if I was partnered and younger. There’s a benefit to knowing I’m outnumbered. 🙂

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  7. Perhaps we should consider love as an action word, as opposed to just a feeling word. Your interactions with your children are all expressions of love. Love isn’t stagnant or “just there.” It needs to be fueled and maintained and strengthened. People can say they love someone…but are they really doing any work to keep it thriving? Interesting post, Wynne!

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  11. I love how you ‘extended yourself in love’ by trying so many different things to help Mr. D with school drop-off. If only all of us extended that much love to each other, imagine how nice the world would be. 💞

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  12. I’m a much better mom today than I was when my daughter was young. But thankfully, I have made some in-flight corrections along the way and now have a wonderful relationship with her. Perhaps if I had had you as a role model, Wynne, the early years would have been different. But all we had then was the parenting bible of Dr. Spock who scared the bejeepers out of parents. God forbid we should spoil the kids and ruin them for life! I hope that your two will one day understand the unbelievable gift they have been given with you as a mom! 👏

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    1. Oh, I forgot about Dr. Spock. Holy cow – what else were you going to do with guidance like that?? Love the relationship you had with your daughter now and that you bear witness that we can change our approach as needed!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  13. Rupi Kaur once wrote something like, “to hate is an easy, lazy task. Love takes strength. Everyone has, but not all are willing to practice.”
    You love with extended arms and it’s so evident in your happy children Wynne. Understanding their emotions takes work, time and patience. I do wish I had more time as a parent. I applaud you my friend. A family meeting in an airport is no small feat.

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    1. What an interesting quote, Alegria! Love takes strength – I love that!

      I imagine that parenting is one of those things that we all wish we could have done something differently. It’s a big job!

      Thank you for the lovely encouragement, my friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  15. “When nothing I was saying was working, I finally said, “Mr. D, I’ll give you $5 to NOT put your bag on the conveyer belt.” Deal! And then he gave me the $5 back about two minutes later.” Wynne, that was smart parenting. This quick act saved you $30, a headache, and at his age, he is not going to remember a thing. On the other hand, if you engage a 4-year-old and start an argument or worse, punish him, then the results will be much worse. Obviously, you are going to be mad and stressed out, but I bet that he and Miss O will remember what happened at the airport for years to come. For some reason, bad experiences stick with us longer. So, good job. 👏🏼

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  16. Dr. Peck’s definition of love is the one I use as my own when asked to define love. I grew up in the “your feelings don’t matter” era, too. You’re doing a better job of giving your kids an emotionally balanced sense of life.

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