Complicated Compliments

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“Life doesn’t come with a manual. It comes with a mother.” – unknown

The other day, four-year-old Mr. D said to me, “Mama, you are the bestest in the whole entire moon.”

Sweet. And I don’t want to minimize that, but he said it to me after I gave him a cookie. I’m sure I can’t be the only person who has a complicated relationship with compliments, especially in families. Do they love us for who we are, the role we play, or what we do for them?

Do you feel that nugget of self-doubt in that last sentence? Me too. It reminds me of the few things I’ve been able to glean in the last fifty years about confidence and compliments.

They have to be right sized for the effort.

My kids keep teaching me this lesson. If I over-praise an effort, it feels insincere.

I have to be able to believe it

There isn’t a compliment in the world that can overcome my inner resistance. This one is fraught for me as a parent. My kids frequently compliment me for being the “bestest” or a “good mom.” But, of course, I’m just a mom and I can’t get everything right. My biggest growth area is mindful eating – not eating in front of devices. For a number of reasons this is complicated and I’m getting it wrong more than right.

So I find myself circling back to my driving principles. My priorities are to help them be kind (including to themselves), safe, and healthy (body, mind, and spirit). And to be present and to love them. If I can aim for most of that, then I try to give myself some grace about the rest.

Compliments are best when I would have done the same thing with or without it.

I would have given Mr. D the cookie whether or not he gave me the compliment. It wasn’t conditional on him saying anything.

So, yes, it feels safe to say that this time I can believe I’m the bestest on the whole moon. After all, it’s only me and a probe that’s tipped sideways in the running. Not that I’m on the moon…. but you know what I mean.

(Mary from Awakening Wonders reminded me of the quote for this post)

(featured photo is from Pexels)

62 thoughts on “Complicated Compliments”

  1. Given the thought and love you put into it, you might be near the top in any “best mom” competition, Wynne.

    “Do they love us for who we are, the role we play, or what we do for them?” To me, the answer is all of this and more. Parenting is a role beyond any child’s ability to create equity and any parent’s proper understanding of their role to expect it.

    My bet is that if you train your children to be kind and appreciative (as you do), their unending love for you is as close to being guaranteed as we every get in life.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Wow – your insightful comment explains so much “Parenting is a role beyond any child’s ability to create equity and any parent’s proper understanding of their role to expect it.” That makes so much sense. Thank you, Dr. Stein!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. In my experience, receiving a compliment falls into the same category as having the ability to recognize, receive, and acknowledge gifts from others, regardless of form. It requires self-love and a whole lot of practice!

    Liked by 5 people

  5. I think of a kids compliment as a spill over. Their glass is almost full of gratitude and the cookie makes it flow over into words. Now if the words that come out of their mouths are more along the lines of “well it’s about time…!” then something else is going on (Me: takes cookie back for a little talk first…)

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Lovely article ?? your son probably thinks it all the time anyway… but a cookie is a good enough prompt for it to be expressed in that moment! When his serotonin levels are high and he’s more likely to freely and openly express his love for you

    Sent from Outlook for iOShttps://aka.ms/o0ukef ________________________________

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  8. I love that unknown quotes. That’s perfect. And now you have me scratching my head about compliments and I believe you nailed some important aspects of gaging there value or not. Size, believability, and intent are imperative but I would add the source plays a significant role in my buy-in. Your son is the perfect source. And can I add your intentional parenting makes me want to do mine all over again. Love you. Hugs, C

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Mr. D is the sweetest! 🥰 You make such a great point about the disproportionate compliments. I haven’t experienced much of that myself, but I’ve observers interactions where the recipient seems frustrated, and I bet it’s because it was a bigger pat on the back that the accomplishment warranted.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I’ve always felt awkward about receiving compliments. Somehow they make me doubt myself more than feel a sense of accomplishment. That, of course, is on me, but even to this day I feel ambivalent about receiving them regardless who says them to me.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Mooney compliments may seems like too much butter on the popcorn, but I think that acts of generosity like the cookie may just loosen a kid’s tongue and the love comes tumbling out. Another poetic phrase from Mr. D. I say take it and run with it, you’re well loved.

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  15. Ugh – the compliment hang up. I have it big time. My husband even bought me a leather bound book to record all the compliments I receive down. I have recorded exactly zero. It feels so egotistical. Okay…let’s not go there 🫤. The quotation is great.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Great thoughts on compliments! I completely get the idea of being too much and sounding insincere. I’ve gotten those and maybe given them from time to time. Something to look out for!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry I’m slow to reply, Belinda. For some unknown reason, this got caught in spam. You’re right – the overdone compliment is something to look out for sure!

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Well, he actually didn’t overdo it, he said you were the best in the moon! …not the whole earth!

    Kids know when they have good parents and when they don’t, they have eyes and ears to see what’s going on around them, in the media etc. Take the compliment, he’s not wrong!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah, thank you, Tamara! I really appreciate it. It’s funny – I was going to make a joke about maybe I’m the bestest mom but the worsetest teacher if Mr. D think we’re on the moon. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Humility and modesty are wonderful traits and it seems you have them!

    I’m with you on complements. Maybe it was my upbringing but parents often downplayed everything we did and there was also a time when I had that doubting inner voice.

    As I learned though, sometimes you just gotta take them! 😊 Cookie or not!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Great and relatable list, Wynne! “There isn’t a compliment in the world that can overcome my inner resistance,” is especially true. Oh boy.
    I love your driving principles. Bestest Mom indeed! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  26. This post is the bestest! Even if the compliments from our kids seem conditional at the time….when they look back it’s that overwhelming “Mom is the bestest” that they remember. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

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