Failing Well

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“Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” – Mary Tyler Moore

Last weekend when we were in Leavenworth, WA, we went to an adventure park to ride a roller coaster. Or maybe I should say a roller-coaster-ish kind of ride because the cars were individual and the driver could apply the brakes as much as they wanted. Another clarification: by “we” I meant my kids rode with my dear friend, Doug, because I’m an endurance person, not a speed person.

Now that I have all those caveats in place, on with the story.

Eight-year-old Miss O had no hesitation and climbed right in to ride with Doug. Talking with four-year-old Mr. D about it, he was clearly torn. He didn’t want to do it. And then he did. He flip flopped a couple of times. Since I was pretty sure he’d like it, I was trying to figure out how to nudge him in the direction of trying it.

But even though Miss O didn’t hesitate on this challenge, she and I had just been having a conversation about failing when it came to learning to ride her hoverboard. She asserted that life was easier for me because I never failed. I told her I fail all the time which is why is doesn’t faze me much any more. In fact, I rarely think of it as failing but just as a step towards the next thing I need to do.

On the drive to Leavenworth, I’d been listening to the Ten Percent Happier podcast, The Science of Failing Well where Dan Harris was talking with Amy Edmonson, a professor of leadership and management at the Harvard Business School. She had three points that stuck with me about taking risks:

  • Make the risk as small as possible: This point reminded me of gambling – make a bet but don’t put all your chips in.
  • Have a hypothesis: Know what you are trying to test or prove
  • Learn from the attempt: Use the experience and hypothesis to extract information for the next thing you might try.

I think a lot about what creates confidence. What my parents did to create kids who are willing to try hard things because for all the differences between my siblings and me, we are all game to take on new challenges. So I’ve tried to figure out how I can do the same for my kids. While there’s much that remains a mystery to me, what I’ve identified is that my willingness to try and fail might be the single most defining characteristic in the arc of my life.

So, I told Mr. D he didn’t have to do it. But if he did, he only had to try one ride, Doug could go as slow as he wanted, and that I thought he’d like riding in a car on a track. When it came to his turn, Mr. D was a little nervous but resolutely game. Until I greeted him at the exit ramp, that is. He rolled back in with a huge grin on his face!

He had so much fun that he learned he wanted to do it again. And the second time he went up with his hands in the air.

Life is a roller coaster and I’m glad that I continue to ride. The metaphorical kind at least.

(featured photo is mine)

(quote is from Real Life of MSW blog: Being Brave)

56 thoughts on “Failing Well”

  2. The most revealing sentence in this post is Miss O thinking that her mother never fails. That’s something we don’t often/ever stop to consider, that when our kids are very young (it doesn’t last!), they see their parents as the experts on life. Little do they know!

    Liked by 5 people

    1. That’s so true, Jane. I suspect it has to do with what she expects to see as failure too. She doesn’t see me give up or have a fit so perhaps it doesn’t seem like I fail. But she sees me not setting up the tv on the first try or having to get a different tool to fix something and then I take a moment and try again. It’s different than the kind of melt down that kids often display.

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  4. As Jane mentioned, it’s so interesting how we see our parents as flawless when we’re young. I’m glad the kids had a good time, and I bet Mr. D learned a lessons about trying new things in the process. 😊

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  5. Trying new things with encouragement and love all around. Nothing better than that! (And hey – that’s quite an MTM quote to lead off your post. Love that – new to me!) 🥰

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Anyone who is successful has failed at their attempts, including Steve Jobs, for example. I’m glad your son tried the adventure and enjoyed it! You reminded me of a John C. Maxwell book called “Failing Forward.”

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  7. I think that it’s important that our kids see their parents as real, see them fail, see them be fearful, see them show emotions– all within reason surely. If an adult always seems to succeed or doesn’t admit (like you do to O) that life is hard, that you fail then are we really preparing them for reality, and maybe more important why don’t we show those things? Or why can’t we show those things…

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    1. All such good points, Deb. It reminds me of a question that O asked me when she was about 3 – “why don’t grown-ups cry?” And I was kinda surprised and not sure how to answer. Because my loop for failing and being frustrated happens pretty quickly – I’ll stop, take a deep breath or walk away, and then return (whether it’s work or trying to fix the frig). I suppose I need to narrate more of this out loud.

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  9. I’m not a roller coaster person – I have the inner ear disturbance thing that creates nausea… my daughter and grandkids however do not, so they go on the rides while I babysit the bags! I know my strength and weaknesses. On a different note, if the risk is minimal, and it’s not something that will affect my physically, my daughter and I have a phrase: “What have we got to lose?” and because we gave things a try, we succeeded.

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  10. “I’m an endurance person, not a speed person.” Hmmm, how do I want to fall, traveling fast down a crazy roller coaster or from falling down a huge mountain that I had to walk up. Oh, you crazies are scaring me and I’m just sitting here at my desk. Ha, ha. Anyway, Go Mr. D. You can do it.

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  11. It’s so interesting that you return to your own upbringing to understand how you learned to be courageous even when you risk failing. I think you nailed it. Our kids learn from what we actually do as opposed to what we say! Keep emulating resilience, courage, and empathy. I’ve always thought those were vitally important to a successful life. Hugs, C

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  12. “In fact, I rarely think of it as failing but just as a step towards the next thing I need to do.” Isn’t that the best way to look at things, Wynne? When asked what I would change if I could have a “do over” of my life, I usually say nothing. Because every experience, every failure, brought me to where I am today.

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  13. I love that Mr. D gave it a try and loved it! I still remember when my very nervous son rode his first rollercoaster: a very small one that was at the foot of the Needle in Seattle (it’s gone now). By the time he’d gone around once, he was thrilled – and ended up riding it a few more times. Yes, one of the most important lessons we learn is how to fall down six times and get up seven.

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  14. Great bits of advice there, Wynne! My youngest was always the kid who would flip-flop when it came to scary rides. Tears were often involved. I was always so excited for them (and relieved) when they would finally just “go for it”!

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  15. The metaphoric nature of your roller coaster riding is amusing to me. 😏

    You’re raising some securely attached kids. This will be a benefit to them throughout their entire lives!

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  16. Way to go, Mr D! And way to go to you, Wynne, for nurturing that confidence in him by applying those principles from the podcast. I too find taking risks incrementally make such a difference. I see it in the way you raise your kids, even having them cut food in the kitchen too. They are going to be great when they’re older in this rollercoaster of life.

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    1. Thank you, Ab! I’m laughing about cutting food in the kitchen. Sometimes that makes other adults nervous but my kids are great at it. You should have seen them when they were out front with saws (at their request) the other day. That drew some comments. 🙂 Geez, it wasn’t power saws….

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  17. Great post, Wynne. The part about taking risks, especially learning from the attempt, is spot on. Some people fear attempting new things based on past experiences. In reality, the best approach is to continue moving forward, utilizing what we’ve learned to change our current situation. The picture is awesome, and it seems that he enjoyed the ride.

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  18. Wow Wynne this is so good – “While there’s much that remains a mystery to me, what I’ve identified is that my willingness to try and fail might be the single most defining characteristic in the arc of my life.”!!!

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  20. Love that Mr D took a chance and enjoyed it! 💞
    I’m reminded of the saying “practice makes perfect”. I think I’ve perfected the art of failing, so I can grow and improve!

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  22. I wonder if a very small risk can even be classified as a risk. Maybe they should be broken into categories, like hurricanes, tornadoes, and earthquakes are. Walking down the street with a shoelace untied? 1 on the Risk-ter Scale. Running with scissors? That’s a 3. Climbing Mt. Everest naked while balancing a plate of spaghetti on your head? Definite 27.

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  23. So true. The best payoffs for me have been when I took the biggest [calculated] risks following my own muse, in the sense of how to live my life authentically. Of course one person’s idea of a risk may be another person’s idea of no big deal.

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