Romancing the Stone

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“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou

This post was originally published on 9/8/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

More than 10 years after the fact, I can tell the story of my marriage/divorce without even the slightest wince of pain. I got married to my husband when I was 33-years-old. He had been married before and told me that he was divorced because wife #1 had a jealousy problem.

In the marriage, I came to think he just wanted a mindless side-kick to be with him for whatever HE wanted to do. He thought I was far to in-de-PEN-dent (pronounced slowly as if a four syllable curse word). A couple years into the marriage he announced that it was time to have kids. I said “no.”

Seven years into the marriage, his best friend came to me to tell me of my husband’s infidelities. All of a sudden I understood what had really happened with wife #1. <insert big a-ha laugh here> After some dithering and poor attempts to fix it, we divorced.

After a couple of years of patching myself up and finding meditation, I started dating. I had very good reasons why none of those worked out. Here are a few examples:

  • There was the guy that brought a gun to the date. No, I didn’t feel threatened at all but certainly was surprised when he pulled it out. He thought it was necessary because I lived in the big city and he’d come from a smaller suburb.
  • And there was the date who I went snow-shoeing with. When the outing lasted longer than expected, I knelt at the door of my home to greet my dog and say sorry for leaving him too long. The date had followed me up to the door and muttered behind me, “Never apologize to an animal.”
  • There was also the very dear friend with whom I was unable to have deep conversations.

After these forays into dating didn’t produce a life partner and I was age 45, I made what I thought was a pragmatic decision to have kids on my own. In the seven years since I’ve had kids I’ve had a few sparse and isolated dating attempts but have largely left love of that variety alone.

That’s my story – and a story I fully inhabit and believe. But recently I was talking with a dear friend going through heartbreak. As I sat and listened to my friend’s stories, I realized that it exposed a deep vein of cynicism about love that I wasn’t aware I held.

 The cynicism says – I’m not sure love is worth it. It also says that I have to do x, y, and z before I’ll be ready. And that it’s okay for other people to have partners but maybe not me.

Whoa. It’s like I’ve been hanging on to my story as if it’s a life raft and now I’m finding out it’s full of holes. Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t find my partner after I divorced because I didn’t want to. Somehow my joy for what I have and the optimism that I’ve been clinging to have covered over some walls I’ve constructed.

One of my close friends always says she found her second husband and love of her life because she believed she was worthy of love. For me, and for many of us that have experienced great loss in relationships, I think we might need to believe something similar:

I am worthy of love. And the love that I will find will be worth having.

One of my favorite quotes about healing comes from priest and author, Henri Nouwen. After experiencing a loss of a significant friendship, Nouwen sequestered himself for six months and wrote journal entries that became his book The Inner Voice of Love. Towards the end, he comes to realize:

“Your future depends on how you decide to remember your past.”

Henri Nouwen

That’s the problem with my story about my marriage and divorce. I am frequently grateful to my ex-husband for the events that put my on the path that I’m on. But it appears that I need to re-remember what else about love is worthwhile. That decision may change a lot about my future.

What do you think about love? Hopeful? Cynical?

(quote for this post from my wise friend, Brian: Writing From the Heart With Brian)

(featured photo from Pexels)

I’ve also published today on the Wise & Shine: You Get What You Pay For

60 thoughts on “Romancing the Stone”

  2. You ask, “what do you think about love? Hopeful? Cynical? My heart has not been through what you’ve been through. My child like trusting heart is still intact. I have been wounded in ”Church” relationships (3 times) and swear I will never/ ever allow that to happen again, I know it’s not the same… So there is a fine line there somewhere between having an open, trusting, loving heart, and wisdom to know how to protect it.

    Liked by 6 people

    1. I love your description of child like trusting heart. That’s beautiful, DM. I think no matter the source of the wound, we still have to go through the cycle of forgiveness and healing. Your description of the balance between openness and wisdom is so good. Exactly!

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I was almost 38 when I got married for the first time. It was my wife’s second. ( the first commonly referred to the child molester) I was raised in a household that marriage was not a goal in life so I thought it would never happened and never gave it much thought. I never had children ( although I am a step-father) and it is one of my greatest regrets in life. My wife and I are celebrating our 27th anniversary today. Of course with her health the way it is the celebration is that we still have her. Love is when you are standing all alone by the bedside of the one that means everything to you fighting for her life and at that moment I have never felt closer to her.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh, happy anniversary to you and your wife, Duke! Glad that you are celebrating your togetherness even as (or especially because) the fragility of her health. May we all remember how blessed we are to have love. Thanks for this perspective!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Hopeful. It holds the possibility of romance and a heart full to bursting. If you find it, Wynne, or if it finds you, the fellow will be lucky.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Really, REALLY complicated given my own marriage history and a fascinating book I am reading now called “My Mama’s Waltz”. It’s an astoundingly accurate work (my words) for “daughters of alcoholic mothers”.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Such an honest write, Wynne. I am a cynic, a sentiment I have to fight, as it belongs to past relationship history, and my current husband deserves none of it.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Wynne, you are worthy of love. And the love that you will find will be worth having. ❤️❤️❤️ I was a total cynic about love until the day I met my soulmate. You’re absolutely right that it requires an openness and vulnerability. The right person will show up in your life when you are both ready.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. You know what I didn’t realize? That your ex was married before. Somehow, I missed that detail. And what do I think about love? I’m not JUST influenced by the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day…I promise…but I will always be hopeful about love and the possibilities of romance to come. 💕

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Ah yes – the first marriage is a little detail that I’ve probably never mentioned. I love your hopeful love – cheers to that. Happy Valentine’s Day, my dear friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  9. Been there, done that, got the healed wounds to prove it. After two failed marriages and the hope that I’d get it right a third time, I finally gave it up as a lost cause when the third time never manifested. Clearly, it was not meant to be—but what WAS meant to be was for me to learn to stop looking outside of myself for love and find it within myself instead. Now THAT was a quest worth pursuing. I’ve never looked back nor regretted my decision. Best decision I ever made!

    Liked by 6 people

    2. As Deb says – such a good answer. I’m signing up for the Julia camp. It’s fine if love shows up again but in the meantime, work on my self-love. Yes! Happy Valentine’s Day, my luminous friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  10. From a long ago past relationship it was the painful learning to remember to take notice of my gut instinct. It was telling me that this person wasn’t trustworthy, wan’t transparent, wasn’t worthy of my love. I ignored the messages as I didn’t want it to be true and I was in love with him. It was true though as it was confirmed all over again much later. I remain angry and disappointed with myself; disturbed and totally wounded by him.
    Has it ruined my notions about love and romance? The answer is a huge ‘no’. I’m grateful for experiences of love, honesty and genuineness currently surrounding me and I feel sad for those who can’t give the same.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh, this is so good, Margaret. Those signals we ignore – I know exactly what you mean! And then to counteract those tough lessons with love, honesty and genuineness – that’s so good! Thanks for sharing that formula! Happy Valentine’s Day!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I love that you took a leap of faith and decided to have kids on your own. For some reason, I’ve always been hopeful when it comes to love. Starting as young as kindergarten I had crushes on boys – most were never reciprocated. And without fail after each heartbreak, I’d jump on the horse and ride again.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I loved this post until I saw that you linked to my silly blog. What do I know about Love. Ha, ha. I think you’re really onto something when you write about worth. I see the need for that even being married. I need to remind myself that: “I am worthy of love. And the love that I will find will be worth having.” I find that if I keep that fresh in my mind, the way I treat myself and my wife is much more loving and giving!!! I know it had to be challenging to write this piece, but so well said, Wynne!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I believe you did the right thing in leaving your marriage. As an adult I now know my dad was cheating on my mom for probably the entire time. It scarred and damaged my mom, my brother and me. As for love and marriage, it’s work, it’s fun and takes lots of understanding. Maybe this isn’t the right time in your life because of your focus on kids and your job. Or if you meet the right person, it may be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment reminds me how grateful I am not to be raising kids with my ex. I can imagine how hard that is to live with as a kid!

      You’re right – timing is everything. I do believe I’ll find the right person when the time is right. Happy Valentine’s Day!

      Like

  15. This is good a second time wonderful Wynne!
    This is one of my favorite love quotes, “The best love is the kind that awakens your soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.”
    Hugs to your two charming ones!💖💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This piece makes me feel vulnerable, I think it has to do with the vulnerability needed to write about love with such honesty and openness. I agree that the way we remember the past has an effect on our future and it might be important to reevaluation our ” cemented conclusions,” once in a while especially when moving beyond hurt and betrayal. I think it is important to always leave the door to love open, let it flow in with the kids, the family, the neighbors and the pets we love but also for true love that might be attracted by all the love coming in and out of your door. Happy Valentine’s Day Wynne. Hugs, C

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Cheryl, what a great comment! I love, “I think it is important to always leave the door to love open, let it flow in with the kids, the family, the neighbors and the pets we love but also for true love that might be attracted by all the love coming in and out of your door. ”

      Yes! Here’s to that! Happy Valentine’s Day!

      Liked by 1 person

  17. You have a very grounded yet hopeful outlook about life, Wynne. I do believe and hope you will find another love in the future. 😊 And one who won’t make such stupid comments about never apologizing to animals. What a psycho and creep!

    Hope you and your kids enjoyed your chocolates yesterday! 💕🙏

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I feel a wistful longing….I’ve been divorced since 1999, raised my 2 boys on my own. I’ve gone on just a few dates since then…and I swing widely from “I’ll adopt another animal instead” to “I need to put myself out there and find someone”. Right now, I’m leaning more towards another animal. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I feel you, Dawn. Maybe walk some middle ground and believe you are worthy of love and it’ll be a love worth having and also adopt another animal? And congratulations on raising your sons on your own! 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Great post! It really resonated with me – so many great points!
    Love is worth, and we are worth of it! I never stopped looking for it, but I was also fine if it never happened.
    Being grateful for everything is the key!
    Blessings to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I remember this post well, because I think I came right out and asked you about your past, nosy bastard that I am.

    If you had asked me in 2010, I would have been the most cynical person on the face of the planet when it came to love. Nowadays? Complete opposite! It’s amazing how the right person can cause your perspective to shift so significantly.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. But thinking more about it later, I should have said a big fat WOW to the guy who brought a gun and possibly even more so to the guy who said never to apologize to an animal. Wow wow wow. At least you found out early on those dudes!

        Liked by 1 person

  22. I understand your feelings about love, for I went through a difficult marriage where so many weird and strange things happened. I knew in my gut that I needed to write a book about it, and that I wouldn’t be truly ready for my next phase of life with anew person until I got it done. Today I finished the 1st draft, have sent it out to 3 people who will give me some feedback on it. The writing took years and I grew and healed throughout. In the past few months I knew I was nearing completion of the book, so I was preparing myself to reenter the dating world.

    Now I feel optimistic, I know I am a different person now, and subsequently I will view any potential man in completely new ways. I know ow where my boundaries are now, I have come to like and to love myself so I believe that I am worthy of someone who is mature and emotionally healthy.

    Likewise, I am sure that you aren’t the same person that you were before, so you will see potential men differently than you did before!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow – that’s awesome! Congratulations, Tamara. How incredible that you finished that project and have sent it off for feedback. I can only imagine the growth and perpsective it provided. Thank you for doing the work and reminding me that it’s possible – and healing! Can’t wait to see what doors this opens for you! ❤ ❤ ❤

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