perception – Surprised By Joy

“Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fountain of all invention and innovation; in its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathize with humans whose experiences we have never shared.” – J.K. Rowling

When my 2 1/2 year-old son had to have a root canal a couple of months ago, I crudely drew out the story in 8 sequential panels so that he could see the story as it played out and also take it to school and show his friends why he’d been absent. It was my effort to help him not only understand but also know why he had to go back for the second part of the treatment once the infection had healed. I’ll never know if it changed his perception but he was amazingly cooperative in the dental chair when we went back.

I didn’t know before I became a parent how much story-telling is involved. Not just in the reading of books at night but helping to narrate their story as they come of age. But I recently watched a Ted talk about the science of story-telling that explained that the elements story-tellers use are similar to ones researchers have found that our brains use to understand the world. It is the topic of my Pointless Overthinking blog post this week, Telling a Good Story.

And here’s the story of Mr D’s root canal shown in 8 panels:

(featured photo from Pexels)

“Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart, rather than a piece of our mind.” – unknown

I have a perception problem that caused a disagreement. I adore my brother. I see him as smart, likeable, responsible, resilient and industrious. I also know he has faults and avoids conflicts, will disengage instead of work things out or stand up for himself and has trouble being vulnerable.

We have another family member that sees him as manipulative, irresponsible, underhanded and arrogant.

Generally, we know the same history of my brother with the ups and downs of his life and interpret the story with our own lenses. I see him as the older brother I can always call and she seems him as the schmuck that dated her best friend in junior high.

In this On Being podcast, sociologist and Professor Emeritus Arlie Hochschild talks about the idea of a deep story which she defines as what you feel about a highly salient situation that’s very important to you. A story that explains how we can look at the same set of facts but come up with different conclusions because of the emotions that underlie the story. Her work has been primarily about our political divide – the deep stories of the red states and blue states.

But I see it at work in the stories of my family. It explains why we see things differently and have this perception problem that no amount of facts can solve. It points to the amount and type of work my brother and our family member would have to do in order to rewrite the deep story.

It also predicts that my brother and I will probably always be in accord through the rest of our lives. For me it makes some sense out of the unconditional love and adoration I have always felt and acted on through our many different phases of life.

Finally, it reminds me that the work of empathy for and listening to others is not only necessary for our relationships but also possibly the most transformative. Because even when we don’t agree on the facts, understanding someone else’s deep story at least brings the a-ha moment of understanding.

Are their deep stories in your family? Are there places where facts don’t seem to matter?

(featured photo from Pexels)

Tag: perception

The Power of Stories

The Deep Story