Tag: meditation

The Price of Anticipation

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“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” – Les Brown

My mom invited my five-year-old daughter over for a sleep over at her apartment this weekend. Her place is air conditioned and she had a ton of fun plans like piano lessons and songs to wake up to. My daughter was so excited. Mostly because Nana’s apartment is a place full of treasures that she hasn’t been able to visit during this pandemic but also because her friend that is just a little bit older at 7-years-old is always talking about sleepovers. What a thrill! But then my mom had to cancel because she lives in a retirement community and they reinforced the message that no children under the age of 16-years-old are allowed, even if they don’t go into any common areas. My daughter was so disappointed! She said to me, “I’m just going to expect that good things get canceled.”

Of all the emotions, disappointment seems the easiest to avoid. As my daughter said, you can just expect good things won’t happen, right? It only means giving up anticipation. The feeling of waking up in the morning, remembering what you are going to do today and feeling, “yay!” because it’s something fun.

But what about love then? Is it tempting to decide not to love because the feeling of heartbreak is too crushing to endure? Or what about hope? Giving up the tug that we can, will and might just be lucky enough make our lives better just in case we fail?

All of my favorite emotions have their shadow side. I’ve struggled with trying not to feel any of those and come away worse for the wear. As the brilliant writer, Ashley C. Ford said in a podcast I heard a couple of months ago, “I tried to live a disappointing life so that I wouldn’t ever be disappointed.”

I’m finally understanding the idea of leaning in towards life instead. When getting a little off tilt, leaning forwards, not backwards. But my daughter’s disappointment this weekend made me realize that while I have been practicing that for myself, I’ve been doing the opposite with my kids. I often don’t tell them about things that might be canceled so that they don’t get disappointed. I hold myself as a back stop for all their possible shadow side feelings. As is so often the case, having kids has given me another level of practice. I can still lean forwards with my kids in my arms, ready for joy and also holding them in disappointment.

The Magic of Sleep

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“We are like someone in a very dark night over whom lightning flashes again and again.” – Maimonides

I overslept! Instead of waking two hours before my kids get up as I do almost every other day of the year, I woke up 30 minutes after. I had been awake in the middle of the night worrying about how to keep my kids entertained and cool in the heat wave that is enveloping the Pacific NW and then I went to back to sleep for hours.

There’s a Buddha quote – “sleep is the best meditation.” In this phase of life with young children, I understand that more than ever. I go to bed feeling all the grime of the day and awaken feeling all the possibility. I go to bed with worries and doubts and awaken with faith that I can tackle them. I go to bed struggling to understand what I’ve learned and awaken with one more page of my story written.

When I finally woke up this morning, no one was crying or upset and instead we were all rested. Maybe the best proof that there is God helping us through this life is experienced when my eyes are closed and my brain is quiet. I lose the certainty of it every day, only to discover it again each night.

Strong Back, Soft Front

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“Do small things with great love.” – Mother Teresa

Last night we returned from a small outdoor party right at my son’s bedtime. I went to take off his shoes and socks and start to get him ready for bed and he was lying on the couch, head on the pillows, looking very much like a little grown man taking a load off after a long day. When I told him it was time to get his jammies on and stooped to pick him up he said, “No tank ooo.” At 23 months “no thank you” is his most powerful phrase and although I’d never claim that he fully understands the politeness of it, it’s still quite effective.

It makes me think of a phrase I first heard used by Brene Brown, “strong back, soft front” but I believe was originated by Roshi Joan Halifax, a Buddhist teacher. Strong back, as I think it relates to parenting, is all the things I try to hold the line on to raise healthy, happy and kind children. Bedtimes, self-care, routines, boundaries with each other, politeness. They are all the things that I feel like I repeat over and over again until I hope they pick them up for themselves.

And while I’m doing that, my soft front is so often moved by the sweet little things they do, their cries when life gets too much, and the moments of pride when they show they are learning something I’ve said. It’s my soft heart that gets opened over and over again by the bravery, dignity and earnestness of little people.

The thing I’ve noticed about parenting with a strong back, soft front is that dichotomy keeps me upright in those moments when I’m out of my depth. Either I’m too tired or too confounded by a situation that is challenging me, I can hold both ideas to create a balance that will see me through. I can be overwhelmed by my love and empathy AND still have the wherewithal to get my kids to bed.

Which is what I did last night. I stopped and talked with my toddler for a minute about the day, I listened to his “no tank ooo’s” and then I scooped him up to go upstairs and read.

NOTE: For anyone interested in a great description of strong back, soft front, I found this post by Bev Janisch that includes content from Brene Brown and a guided meditation.

Last Day of School

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“Ah, life grows lovely where you are.” – Mathilde Blind

Today is the last day of school. I’m not very experienced as a parent of a schoolchild since this was our first year and the pandemic conditions have made it a strange year. Virtual learning for most of the year and then they split the class in two sessions, morning and afternoon, to reduce the size and we had half days of in-person learning since April. But we have finished the year such as it was and there is great excitement in the air for the last day of the year.

The feeling of impending freedom. Freedom from schedules, work and worry. Nothing to do and nowhere to be. The pure promise of childhood. If I remember from my childhood, this was the best day of the summer – the one where it all looms before you.

Before it turns into boredom. Nothing to do and nowhere to be. The agony of childhood where there is so much that you are not allowed to do yet. Then you wander through the days of summer and get to August and all of a sudden wonder how you wasted all your freedom.

Funny that I seem to experience time as either too much or too little and I don’t think I’m alone in that. The only remedy that I’ve managed is to be grateful for today. And grateful is a great way to celebrate today because I have a long list specific to the last day of school:

My child learned to read.

For a warm and loving teacher who was able to connect even over the screen.

That we got to practice leaving the house and going to school even for just a couple months.

That there were no COVID outbreaks in the school which bodes well for next year.

That we seem to be starting to repair the social awkwardness caused by a year apart.

And that we are still here and healthy.

So I celebrate the excitement of today for all of us because we made it through a doozy of a year! May the promise of summer freedom bring a bump of joy to us all!

The Long and Winding Road

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“Your talent is God’s gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.” – Leo Buscaglia

My five-year-old daughter has been saying to me lately, “I want to be a scientist so that I can keep finding bigger and bigger numbers to tell you how much I love you.” Aww, so sweet. She gets my attention and a hug every time she says it.

It makes me think of why we choose the jobs that we do – to impress others, to have enough money to feel safe, to differentiate ourselves, to do something until we figure out what we really want to do. I think back to college and why I choose to study Electrical Engineering. It had a lot to do with a man I was dating who was also an engineer and EE was the engineering major that required the most math classes and I loved math. It’s turned out to be a fine basis for what I really like to do which is to solve problems for people. There are a lot of ways to have jobs that help people but that was the route that I took and it’s worked out.

But I winnowed out a lot of other choices. I worked at an engineering firm as a receptionist one summer in college and realized I didn’t want to have a job just sitting behind a drafting table,  I worked at the expresso stand in the building that housed the architect majors and realized that the pressure of long lines wasn’t any fun. I spent enough time in the EE labs with other engineering students to realize I didn’t want to hang out with other engineers. In other words, there were a lot of “no’s” along the way.

It strikes me as I continue to wind my way through life figuring out what’s next that the “no’s” are a tool that I need to have more respect for. It reminds me of a story about Thomas Edison who as he tried to invent the light bulb tried a lot of different materials to be the filament. When asked if he got frustrated with each experiment he replied that he didn’t because each one taught him what not to use. That inspires me to both know that even though I’m in mid-life, I am not finished having choices and also to understand that what I don’t do is as important as what I do.

As for my daughter, I assume she will change her mind about what she wants to be many times. I’ll take the hug and sweetness and try to gently steer her towards discerning what is meaningful for her own God given talents.

The Gift of Appreciation

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“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

For my 14th birthday, I gave myself a kitten. My dad said he didn’t like cats after he was attacked by a wild one when he was young and studying abroad in India. So I came up with a ruse to get a kitten, box it up and put it on the porch as an anonymous gift to myself. When my dad opened the door on my birthday to get the paper, he found an empty gift on the porch – and then hanging off the side of the porch was a little black kitten. He scooped it up, put it in the garage, called me down to talk about it – and we kept it!

That story became part of our family lore. Especially because I had gotten the kitten from a parishioner in the church my dad was Sr. Pastor of and so it was only a matter of a day or so until he found out where the kitten came from and who was responsible. But laughing about it now, I also think there is some genius to giving ourselves the thing we want most for our birthdays. It means naming what we most need instead of relying on others to figure it out.

For me, that’s appreciation. Appreciation for my body, mind and soul that has carried me this far.

I am so thankful for my body. It’s not perfect but it woke up this morning. I’ve abused it, pushed it past it’s limits at times but it has carried me through many adventures and produced two children. It is a mystery of how it continues to work no matter how much crappy fuel, lack of care and big challenges it has faced but it is my engine and I’m grateful.

I am so thankful for my mind. It’s not perfect but it’s teachable. It allows me to remember all the people who have shaped me. From my parents who conceived, carried and raised me to the countless friends, family and mentors who have come beside me, and even the few people who have been oppositional forces in my years, I have learned so much. My mind has figured out how to navigate the circumstances set before it and jot down notes for other travelers along the way and I’m grateful.

I am so thankful for my spirit and soul. It’s not perfect but it knows love.  It is my cup of sunshine that fills every day and rests and restores every night. As the seat of openness to Divine Love and Universal Truth, it has been my way to wisdom and joy. I’ve finally attuned an ear to listen to its guidance and although I frequently take side routes, it calls me back again and again and I’m grateful.

As I wrap this gift of appreciation, I am most grateful for the Divine Spark that has breathed life into me and all those around me! Wow, do I feel lucky!

Magic In The Air

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“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” – Roald Dahl

I was listening to the On Being podcast with Krista Tippett and Jill Tarter. Jill Tarter is an astronomer and the co-founder of the SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) Institute. She talked about her long career, the fascinating questions she’s pursued and the many eye-opening discoveries that have changed how we think of the possibilities. One of her examples was that scientists have discovered that life exists in so many places on earth we never thought possible – like bacteria in nuclear reactor fluid and whole colonies so far beneath the sea that light doesn’t shine. During the interview, this particular line that Jill said caught my attention, “We have to stop projecting what we think onto what we don’t know.”

Our thinking colors our ability to perceive. Our openness determines whether we will see magic. It makes me think of the time that I dropped my wallet in my neighborhood grocery store and had to go back for it. As my internal voice was grumping about my own carelessness, I both found the wallet and bumped in to a dear friend that I hadn’t seen for two years as she recovered from cancer. Best mistake ever. Or the time I was awakened early by the baby crying and blearily stumbled out of my room with the closed blinds to discover the most stunning sunrise. Or the magic of divorce which made me walk back everything I thought I knew about how life was going to go until I found out what life waited for me outside those expectations.

We have to be open to the possibility that while we are searching for how to be happy, we might just find out that we already are.

Abundance

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“Go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows.” – Rainier Maria Rilke

Last night we had a family party to celebrate birthdays for my mom and me. My daughter had very carefully planned what to wear – a pink dress with a delicate white cardigan and was getting dressed when she asked me what her brother was going to wear. When I told her that he was wearing his Hawaiian shirt which is pretty much the only button down shirt he has, she said disappointedly, “Awww, everyone is going to say ‘wow, what a cute baby.’ “

I gulped because there was something so familiar in her small complaint. Doesn’t it always seem like someone else at a party has it easier? Someone who navigates the introductions, conversations and transitions without anxiety. Someone who naturally draws the attention and even if I don’t want to be the center of attention, it’s hard not be just a little bit envious.

This weekend I listened again to the On Being podcast with Krista Tippett and Yale sociologist Nicholas Christakis. He made the point that for us to be social, we have to be individual. That is to say, to be able to recognize each other we have to notice the differences between us. Otherwise, the mom feeds the wrong baby or we can’t tell which person is our friend.

But it seems like we pay a price for always noticing differences. It breeds comparison, competition and envy. It fosters the feeling of scarcity because someone else always has more. Speaking personally, it takes a lot of continual work to overcome the system and rest assured that I have enough love, possessions and worth. That might be in a nutshell what drives me back to faith – to find the unity and Divine love that is common to all of us.

I didn’t have any words for my daughter’s comment. I gave her a big hug and we went to the party. She was right, that was exactly what everyone said about her brother. But she made herself useful and got plenty of attention. Better than anything I could say was the experience that there is more than enough love to go around, we just have to show up to feel it.

A Thin Place

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“Nothing among human things has such power to keep our gaze fixed even more intensely upon God than friendship.” – Simone Weil

We baked cookies for our neighbor and her husband yesterday. They have been taking 24/7 care of her elderly mom for a week now since she suddenly became sick and unable to care for herself. My daughter made a card for them and we put the card with the cookies and some puzzles and set off to deliver them. My neighbor’s mom only lives around the corner. My daughter wanted to carry the basket and when she handed them over, our neighbor cried. Then I cried.

It was a holy moment, the kind of moment that Bishop Michael Curry of the Episcopal church calls a thin place where God is just that much closer. The unexpressed weariness and worry in our neighbor met the softness of a kind gesture and out leaked some tears from the River of Life.

I’m completely flummoxed by how to teach faith to my kids. I look back to the Sunday School and all the church activities from my youth and while they were fun, I just didn’t get it and neither did my siblings.  It was only life in it’s raw, humbling way that made me search for the wider current that unites us all. Now I can tell you Christian stories, practice Buddhist-inspired meditation, find God out in nature and read anything deep in order to keep life vital.

So I’ve tried Sunday School for my daughter as a base hoping that it starts the seed that will grow into whatever works for her. But yesterday, witnessing two grown-ups cry over a plate of cookies while the spark of the Divine crackled in the air taught more than 100 Sundays. Even my toddler just stood there smiling watching something he didn’t understand. It reminded me that the unplanned lessons sometimes are the best.

The Current Underneath

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“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.” – Dolly Parton

Last night I was out with my kids as they biked, my 5-year-old on her new big bike and my toddler on an old-school Radio Flyer tricycle. I suggested to my daughter that she go all the way around the block on her bike while my son and I worked best on how to make progress on his trike. This was a new freedom for my daughter, riding away from us on the sidewalk and being on her own for a whole block albeit one she knows well because we walk it all the time. She’d done it several times and was exhilarated by the freedom until the time when she came to the long back straightaway and didn’t see us. My son and I had made enough progress to get around the corner. By the time she got to us, my daughter was scared. I soothed her the best I could and we made our way home. I thought all was good until I asked her to clean up something and she grumped at me. It wasn’t until later that I realized she had some carry-over from being scared.

When I sit on my meditation bolster in the morning, I expect to find peace, happiness and clarity. I am always surprised by the occasions that I find instead a lingering disappointment, anxiety or sadness underneath. I frequently think that I can use my optimism and positivity to pave over the feelings I’m less comfortable with but in those quiet moments they let me know they are still there. I am learning over and over again that I have to feel things all the way through. The worry about a friend going through a hard time or the disappointment that I didn’t get a particular project stay insistent that I acknowledge them before I can settle in to my peace.

This reminds me of a story my meditation teacher told me. She was teaching a 6am yoga class on a dark fall morning. People were settling onto their mats and she was walking around the room quietly talking the class through those opening exercises when she noticed someone outside looking into her car. Without thinking she opened the door to the studio and yelled, “Move on, MotherF*&#$r!” This still cracks me up every time she tells the story but also reminds me that what’s going on in me and around me sometimes has to be acknowledged before I can find peace.

Last night after I’d put my toddler to bed and was sitting with my daughter to read books, we finally got to the feeling of being scared and were able to talk it through and put it to bed too. Then it felt done and we were able to find our quiet and rest.