Tag: independence

The Sleepover Test

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“If you are walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress.” – Barack Obama

When I had a dog, one of my goals was to make him an easy dog for someone else to take care of. It was a practical limit on how much I spoiled him because boy, did I spoil him! But he had to be trained so that if he was inside a house, he didn’t destroy things that weren’t his toys and his routine was simple enough (2 meals, 2 walks) that it wasn’t unreasonable to ask someone else to do. Outside of that, I thought it was fine to let him go everywhere with me, rub his belly and sing to him and say our prayers together at the end of the day with a kiss goodnight but those were extras.

I was thinking about this yesterday as I packed a suitcase so that my 6-year-old could sleep over at her aunt and uncle’s house. It’s only been a handful of times that she’s been away from me for a night and it’s been a long time – maybe a year or 18 months?

But as I got her ready, I was pleasantly surprised that I every confidence that she could go spend one night away and be okay getting herself ready, going to bed, and paying attention to what they told her to do. In fact, I had no written instructions to go with her at all. At one point I thought to text her aunt what time she went to bed but my daughter had already told her.

This seems like a parenting milestone I feel proud to reach. Like with my dog, I’ve raised a human being to a level that another person could reasonably care for. Yay!

Of course, I packed the suitcase mostly with stuffed animals, it’s good she’s only gone overnight because she might not eat anything that they serve and it’s only this stress free with about 3 people in this world. But hey, she’s only 6-years-old so I have more time to work on the rest 😉

Postscript: In contrast to the other day where I had high expectations that my son and I were going to have a great time alone and all he did was miss her — this time I had low expectations because I feared all he was going to do was miss her. And he only asked about her once and had a BALL being the center of attention. 🙂

Celebrating Independence

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“Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.” – Margaret Peters

It’s Independence Day in America. Which is of course about the country and not about me but it makes me think about the long history I have with the word independence.

Independence was one of the most prized attributes a kid could have in my family. I wonder if that’s because I am the youngest of three and my mom was busy trying to find out how to best challenge her very smart brain within the confines of being a minister’s wife and a mother of three kids. If I’d ask for a ride, she’d hand me the bus schedule. If I wanted her to play tennis with me, there was a certain amount of practice I had to do on my own before I’d qualify.

Then there was the college boyfriend who broke my heart for the first time. He had introduced me to the poem, Comes the Dawn by Veronica Shoffstall that includes the lines, “So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.” In my bereft state after we split apart, I remember those lines popping into my head as the best idea of independence I’d ever heard.

So when I was 30-years-old and wanted to buy a house, I was dating a guy whose only contribution to the effort was a list of the neighborhoods he’d like to live in. He clearly wasn’t the right one for me and I knew I could do it independently so I broke up with him and did.

Then my father came over and taught me so many of the skills I would need to own a home: tiling, replacing a toilet, installing crown molding. On one of our projects to dry wall a room, we couldn’t finish before he had to leave so he helped me build a system of platforms so I could finish independently. He knew I couldn’t wait until he had time to return.

 When I got married in my mid-30’s, one of my husband’s complaints about me was that I was so independent. He could say the word so harshly that the last syllable cracked like a whip. It stung because I had always thought that was one of most prized qualities, after all my parents thought it was. And wow, he seemed so needy to me which might have been one of his qualities that led him to be unfaithful.

So we got divorced and even though I’d refused to have kids when I was married, I wanted them now that I was alone and 45-years-old. I went to a fertility clinic and found out that I could have them independently and so, I did!

Now I have two beautiful kids and am wondering if independence will be once of the most prized traits that I teach them. The mirror of introspection tells me that my version of independence might be an avoidance of vulnerability. I have an inkling that my greatest strength might also be my greatest weakness.

It’s taken me half a lifetime to realize that there is a fine line between independence and isolation, something that applies to both me as an individual and us collectively as a country. Believing that you don’t need anyone else to help solve your problems only tends to increase the size of the problems that you need to solve. Like climate change. Or world peace. So on this Independence Day, I celebrate the kind of independence that comes with the knowledge that we need others to be our best selves!