Tag: humor

Sunday Funnies: Feb 13

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Church Bloopers

We really do need to watch how we say things. For example:

  • Prayer and Fasting Conference next week, the cost of attending includes meals.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • Announcement of the sermon for the morning service, “Jesus walks on water,” followed by the evening sermon, “Searching for Jesus.”
  • But the one that fits this text was the report that there was this wonderful inscription over the massive doors of an old stone church that read: “The Gate of Heaven.” Below that was a small cardboard sign that read: “Please use other entrance.”

Sunday Funnies: Feb 6th

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

Parables

  1. Man came in after being bitten by a mad dog. The doctor confirmed he had rabies and it was too late to do anything, he should die within the week. He sat right down and began writing…filled one paper and its back, went to a second. The doctor said, “Wow, that is a pretty long will.” The man replied, “Will, nothing. I’m making a list of people I plan to bite.”
  2. There was a pastor who said wrong things and often didn’t know it. One Sunday his wife told him he said Jesus took 5,000 fish and 5,000 loaves and fed 5 people. So the next week to make up for it, he off-handedly said, “We all know Jesus fed 5,000 with 5 fish and 5 loaves – who could imagine how he did it?” And a boy spoke up that he knew how — he did it with all that was left over from last week.
  3. A pastor announced that 20 years ago Jesus called him to this parish but now Jesus has called him to another ministry and he had to respond to that call and leave. The congregation stood and sang a special hymn… What a Friend We Have in Jesus.

Sunday Funnies: Jan 30

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

HEARD IN COURT

Fellow goes to court to get another to pay for a broken leg from an accident. Officer testifies he admitted to no injury when asked at time of the accident. Fellow testifies it was true but you must understand the context. He had been in his horse drawn carriage with his hound-dog alongside when hit by a speeding car. As he was lying on the ground, the sheriff came up and saw the injured horse: shot him. Then he saw the injured dog: shot him. Came up to me and asked, “Are you hurt?”

_________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

__________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

_________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

_________________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th
Q: What year?
A: Every year

___________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

__________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

_________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

___________________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

____________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Sunday Funnies: Jan 23

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 4×6 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paves the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

DEAR PASTORS

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold, Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Person has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete, Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen, Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen, Age 9, Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money, but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor, Age 12 Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie, Age 10, New Year City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, Age 9, Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander, Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday, especially when it was finished. Ralph. Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people. Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie, Age 9, Lewiston

Humor: Jan 16

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Each of my dad’s humor notecards has a notation of when he used them, all part of his system to make sure he didn’t ruin the fun by repeating himself. This card of doctor notes shows that he used it several times for different sermons and classes. I can see why – they had me laughing out loud!

Doctor’s notes on patient’s charts (actual notes – unedited)

  1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
  3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
  5. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
  6. The patient refused an autopsy.
  7. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  8. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  9. She is numb from her toes down.
  10. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  11. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  12. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
  13. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  14. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  15. Skin; somewhat pale but present.
  16. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  17. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Humor: Jan 9th

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In the stack of humor cards I inherited from my father, there is one he labeled “Parables.” It’s easy to see how as a Presbyterian pastor he found that these little stories could be used to both get a laugh and subtly make a point.

THE HANDICAPS OF YOUTH: Parents of two teenagers are worried about their kids’ failing eyesight. The daughter can’t find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and the son can’t find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food.

POWERFUL COMMUNICATION: A woman says to her neighbor: “I have a marvelous meat loaf recipe. All I do is mention it to my husband and he says, ‘Let’s eat out.’ “

COMMUNICATION AT SUNDAY SCHOOL: A five-year-old came home from Sunday School very excited. His teacher, he reported to his parents, had told the class about the story of Adam and Eve and how Eve was created from Adam’s rib.

A few days later he told his mother, “My side hurts. I think I’m having a wife.”

SUFFERING IN SILENCE: Most people don’t mind suffering in silence as long as everyone else knows about it.

Moral of the Story

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“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” – Allen Ginsberg

My 6-year-old daughter told me a story she heard from her Parkour coach, Lewis.

Lewis and his brother were at a water park. On one slide, there was a man and his daughter in front of them. The man, who was really big, put his daughter on his lap and pushed off when it was his turn.

When it was Lewis’ turn, he found that the man had gotten stuck and he had to push him all the way down the slide. At the bottom the man said, “That was fun!”

My daughter then turned to me and said, “Do you know what the moral of the story is?” I waited with baited breath until she revealed, “When you go to a water park, you’ve got to have fun!”

Ha, ha, ha. Not the moral I was expecting. But we all get to have different takeaways on this thing called life!

Humor: Jan 2nd

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Since we are (hopefully) going back to school this week, I thought I’d post these favorite excuses written by parents to principals. I believe these were first published in an Ann Landers column.

  • Please excuse Lisa from school yesterday. She was sick so I had her shot.
  • I hope you will excuse John for being absent Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • Dear Mr. Thomas, Jennifer missed school yesterday for a good reason. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Hoping no one mistakes Monday for Sunday this week. 🙂

Humor: Dec 26

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I’ve gone back to my dad’s humor notecards again this week so I can post the kids love advice that is teased in the featured photo. Enjoy!

Tips on Love
(All questions answered by kids age 5-10)

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife. (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ‘cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10)

Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)

It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you… that’s why I stopped doing it. (Jean, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

No one is sure why it happens but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan, 9)

I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful. (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, 9)

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long. (Leo, 7)

What Made Me Laugh This Week: Dec 19th

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I was thumbing through the humor cards I inherited from my dad and found this card labeled

Thoughts for Pondering:

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?

Even if you are in the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make us gain five pounds.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Don’t believe everything you think!