Category: humor

Sunday Funnies: Jan 23

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Another installment from my dad’s humor cards.

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories or observations that he typed onto 4×6 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paves the way to an open heart.

When we cleaned out his desk after he died 7 years ago, I was lucky enough to stumble on this stack. I pull it out regularly to have a little laugh with my dear Dad. Now when I post one of them, I write my note next to his and it feels like a continuation.

DEAR PASTORS

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold, Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Person has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete, Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen, Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen, Age 9, Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money, but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor, Age 12 Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie, Age 10, New Year City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, Age 9, Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander, Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday, especially when it was finished. Ralph. Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people. Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie, Age 9, Lewiston

Humor: Jan 16

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Each of my dad’s humor notecards has a notation of when he used them, all part of his system to make sure he didn’t ruin the fun by repeating himself. This card of doctor notes shows that he used it several times for different sermons and classes. I can see why – they had me laughing out loud!

Doctor’s notes on patient’s charts (actual notes – unedited)

  1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
  3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
  5. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
  6. The patient refused an autopsy.
  7. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  8. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  9. She is numb from her toes down.
  10. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  11. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  12. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
  13. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  14. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  15. Skin; somewhat pale but present.
  16. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  17. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Humor: Jan 9th

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In the stack of humor cards I inherited from my father, there is one he labeled “Parables.” It’s easy to see how as a Presbyterian pastor he found that these little stories could be used to both get a laugh and subtly make a point.

THE HANDICAPS OF YOUTH: Parents of two teenagers are worried about their kids’ failing eyesight. The daughter can’t find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and the son can’t find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food.

POWERFUL COMMUNICATION: A woman says to her neighbor: “I have a marvelous meat loaf recipe. All I do is mention it to my husband and he says, ‘Let’s eat out.’ “

COMMUNICATION AT SUNDAY SCHOOL: A five-year-old came home from Sunday School very excited. His teacher, he reported to his parents, had told the class about the story of Adam and Eve and how Eve was created from Adam’s rib.

A few days later he told his mother, “My side hurts. I think I’m having a wife.”

SUFFERING IN SILENCE: Most people don’t mind suffering in silence as long as everyone else knows about it.

Humor: Jan 2nd

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Since we are (hopefully) going back to school this week, I thought I’d post these favorite excuses written by parents to principals. I believe these were first published in an Ann Landers column.

  • Please excuse Lisa from school yesterday. She was sick so I had her shot.
  • I hope you will excuse John for being absent Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • Dear Mr. Thomas, Jennifer missed school yesterday for a good reason. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Hoping no one mistakes Monday for Sunday this week. 🙂

Humor: Dec 26

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I’ve gone back to my dad’s humor notecards again this week so I can post the kids love advice that is teased in the featured photo. Enjoy!

Tips on Love
(All questions answered by kids age 5-10)

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife. (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ‘cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10)

Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. (Kally, 9)

It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you… that’s why I stopped doing it. (Jean, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

No one is sure why it happens but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular. (Jan, 9)

I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful. (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. (Roger, 9)

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long. (Leo, 7)

What Made Me Laugh This Week: Dec 19th

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I was thumbing through the humor cards I inherited from my dad and found this card labeled

Thoughts for Pondering:

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?

Even if you are in the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make us gain five pounds.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Don’t believe everything you think!

What Made Me Laugh: Dec 12th

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We were driving home from visiting my mom at her apartment. My 6-year-old daughter said to me, “It’s so odd that Nana puts plates up on her wall and calls them Christmas decorations.”

“Right, we all do things so differently” I replied as we pulled into our driveway greeted by our Christmas slug inflatable.

Packing Lists Are Not Optional

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“Let’s make better mistakes tomorrow.” – unknown

My kids and I were recently playing in a small space nestled on the top floor of house that we don’t use often. My daughter caught me picking some dried playdough out of the carpet, looked at me and said, “I was younger then so I didn’t know any better.”

Ha, if I had a nickel for all the things I could say about that in my life! That thought prompted me to think of what I would say that about. Lessons like:

Not believing that the sign meant it when it said 45mph for the curve.

Not knowing that wool shrank when you put your mom’s borrowed skirt in the dryer.

You shouldn’t ever try to park a U-Haul by yourself.

Thinking that sleeping pads were just for comfort and packing lists were just suggestions.

The last one in particular made me chuckle. It came from the time in college when spent 5 weeks in Ecuador on a study trip – 2 weeks hiking in the Andes, 2 weeks living with the Cofani Indian tribe in the jungle and 1 week camping on a remote beach near the Galapagos Islands.

In the weeks before my trip, I kept choosing to spend all my time with my boyfriend instead of preparing so it came down to the night before I was to leave that I really started to get everything together. I looked at the packing list and was surprised at the entry for sleeping pad. I hadn’t spent much time hiking or camping and my family didn’t have any so I decided they were optional, probably for comfort, and I skipped it.

It wasn’t until the first night we spent camping in the Andes at 12,000 feet that I understood why sleeping pads are necessary. Lying on that very cold ground without anything but the thin nylon of the tent to insulate me from below, I absolutely froze in my sleeping bag.

Fortunately one of the items on the list that I did manage to pack was plastic garbage bags. The group leader showed me the next day how you could wrap your body in garbage bags for additional warmth. That trick got me through those nights in the mountains – just barely.

I’ve been very diligent in my packing for expeditions ever since. But I look back on that and think, “I was younger then so I didn’t know any better.” 😊

I’m guessing that for every person who reads this, there is a life lesson that pops up for you. Please leave it in the comments if you want to share!

What Made Me Laugh This Week: Dec 5th

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I was digging in my dad’s humor note cards again this week and found this story:

A woman hired a carpet layer to put down a huge new carpet. It was a job that took most of the day. After the largest room was laid, the worker stepped outside for a smoking break. But he couldn’t find his pack of cigarettes. He went back in to look for them and saw a small lump in the middle of the huge living room carpet. There was no way he was going to pull the carpet up – so he got a mallet from his truck and pounded it flat.

Just then the woman came in. “Oh” she said, “I found these cigarettes in the other room. Are they yours? Now if I can just find my parakeet…”

What Made Me Laugh: Nov. 28

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My 2-year-old loves to wear his sister’s shoes that have sparkly toes that light up when you walk. They are 4 sizes too big for him but once he gets his feet into them, he somehow commits to keeping them on.

The other night he had them on when we were goofing around before bedtime. My daughter wanted to push the button on the side of the shoe that makes them light up even if you aren’t walking. My toddler emphatically stated, “Don’t push my buttons!”

Long before he knows about literal and metaphorical meanings, he nailed the delivery.