How to Share Feedback

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“Some of the best advice I’ve been given: ‘Don’t take criticism from people you would never go to for advice.‘” – Morgan Freeman

My dad used the Oreo method when he delivered feedback. It was fitting because he loved Oreos. Perhaps that’s what made him so good at layering in the salty truth between delicious goodness.

He’d start with what was working, add in feedback about what could be better, and then finish it off with a compelling overall vision or motivation. It sounds straightforward when laid out as a formula but as anyone who’s eaten fake Oreos knows, it has to be authentic to work. And the recipient needs to at least be a little hungry for it.

Feedback is tricky, isn’t it? It’s often necessary for us to fuel personal and creative growth, especially with writing, and we sometimes don’t want to hear it. That’s why I love this How to Share podcast episode with Dr. Vicki Atkinson because she is such a pro at both giving and receiving feedback.

Vicki tells us about her project in the works, a novel that builds on her fascinating and intriguing family history. She has done the hard work to not only to write but also to seek out and incorporate feedback. She tells us what she learned from her doctoral dissertation about separating the ego from the work and how that is an essential part of being able to really take in someone else’s input.

We talk about asking the right questions when someone solicits our feedback and also being specific when we want input. And Vicki shows us what having a growth mindset looks like when it comes to incorporating comments.

Vicki walks us through the discernment necessary to pick out what is helpful when it comes to feedback and gives us permission to disregard what doesn’t fit.

This is a great conversation about this tricky subject and Vicki’s wisdom shines brightly through. I know you’ll love it.

Takeaways

  • Feedback is a tricky subject that requires discernment.
  • Separating ego from work is essential for growth.
  • Asking the right questions can lead to more useful feedback.
  • Timing and context matter when giving feedback.
  • Not all feedback is created equal; choose your sources wisely.
  • It’s important to let your work develop before seeking feedback.
  • You can choose which feedback to integrate into your work.

Here’s a great clip of how Vicki practices the art of letting go of the ego:

Here are some ways you can watch this inspiring and helpful episode:

Please listen, watch, provide feedback and subscribe.

How to Share Our Luck with Gil Gillenwater – How To Share

In this enlightening conversation, Gil Gillenwater is with host Wynne Leon and shares his experiences and insights from over 35 years of philanthropic work along the US-Mexico border. He discusses his book, 'Hope on the Border,' which highlights the transformative power of education and community service. Gil emphasizes the importance of enlightened self-interest over traditional charity, advocating for a model that empowers individuals and fosters dignity. He explores the duality of poverty, the need for sustainable opportunities, and the joy found in serving others, ultimately presenting a vision for a more connected and compassionate world.TakeawaysEducation is the key to breaking the cycle of poverty.Enlightened self-interest can lead to personal and communal growth.Charity should not be viewed as a sacrifice but as a mutual benefit.Volunteering provides a sense of purpose and fulfillment.Welfare can disempower individuals and communities.Community service fosters connections and shared humanity.The disparity in wealth is a significant issue that needs addressing.Experiencing poverty firsthand can change perspectives.Creating opportunities in one's home country can reduce migration.The joy of service is a pathway to personal happiness.Links for this episode:How to Share homeHope on the Border at AmazonGil's organization: Rancho FelizGil Gillenwater on FacebookWynne’s book about her beloved father: Finding My Father’s Faith; Blog: https://wynneleon.com/; Substack: https://wynneleon930758.substack.com/
  1. How to Share Our Luck with Gil Gillenwater
  2. How to Share 1970's Chicago with Doug. E. Jones
  3. How to Share Feedback with Dr. Vicki Atkinson
  4. How to Share the Next Generation with Mari Sarkisian Wyatt
  5. How to Share Impactfully with Social Media Friends with Amy Weinland Daughters

Links for this episode:

How to Share Feedback transcript

Vicki’s book about resilience and love: Surviving Sue; Blog: https://victoriaponders.com/

My book about my beloved father: Finding My Father’s Faith

(featured photo from Pexels)

68 thoughts on “How to Share Feedback”

  1. can’t wait to listen to the whole conversation, because feedback is tricky, both giving it and taking it. knowing both of you for a while now, I’m exited to hear Vicki’s take on how to find that balance.

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  3. Great conversation, Wynne and Vicki. You two have such a natural banter and engaging chemistry and it’s a treat when the conversation is about the creative process.

    Receiving feedback does indeed require a separation of the ego from the craft – the self from the creation, as Vicki said – and I don’t know if I’d have the same courage as Vicki to read it out loud out to a writer’s group. There is a fragility about creating, as she noted. But I can see how that realtime feedback is so rich.

    Love your story, Wynne, about your dad’s use of the Oreo method to give feedback. It’s a skill and require delicate sensitivity to get the point across effectively. 🙏 I often think about this in the context of giving performance review conversations about work.

    Lots of great wisdom on this episode! 😊

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    1. I love that you said about performance reviews – what a perfect context for this, Ab. I know that you do a fabulous job of guiding your team and handle those reviews so adeptly!

      Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. It’s so fun to be able to get to talk with Vicki – so much to learn from her!

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  5. Looking forward to listening to this one. Feedback really can be tricky, and the same thing goes for having the discernment to pick out what is helpful and disregard what is not.

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  7. Vicki has a gift for many things, and this is an area we don’t hear much about, but is nonetheless important. Thanks for telling us something we didn’t recognize we needed to know until we heard it from both of you.

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  8. Really interesting, Wynne. I was regularly involved in giving feedback when I was in education feeding back after observing teachers teaching. The three things I’d add are:

    1. Separating the teacher from the lesson is great in theory, but the teachers are so personally involved in their lesson, the children they are teaching, their relationship with both, that it is really difficult. I found that it was easier to accept and work from there
    2. Feedback works best when someone wants to improve. The best teachers don’t want to focus on the good stuff – however much I may have wanted to tell them. Their self-knowledge and self-awareness has already done that bit of self-assessment. They want the tough stuff.
    3. Which comes back to your opening Morgan Freeman quote – the relationship between giver and receiver is crucial.

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  10. I had to listen to this very carefully, as the thoughtful comments were coming fast and furious. 😊I love the”stay in your lane” concept when picking someone for feedback. That makes SO much sense. I love the phrase “there’s a fragility about creating.” There sure is. On the other hand, creatives MUST create, period. So they’re in it whether there are good or bad results. But as you say, IT IS HARD. And what insight about getting positive feedback, but you know deep down inside, that it’s not correct. Wow. There’s someone who is definitely separating work and ego. Anyway, I really could keep going, but I won’t. I may, however, hit it again as I process the conversation. You guys are so great together! 💕 Thank you.

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    1. Well, I love that positive feedback, Melanie! And that you picked up on that kernel about positive feedback that doesn’t feel right. Isn’t that a fascinating point? And the fragility of creating- yes!! I love how you listen and help me so much with your feedback! Thank you!!

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  11. I’m so impressed that your dad used the sandwich cookie approach to give feedback. I wonder how he learned about it so early, I’ve only heard of it in the last 20 years. I certainly didn’t receive feedback that way before the change of the millennia.

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    1. Isn’t that interesting about the sandwich approach? I never thought of it becoming popular but it makes sense. All I can say is that my dad really had a sweet tooth. 😉 Thanks for the great comment!

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  13. In those instances where I had the opportunity to supervise, I always tried to dispense as much praise as possible when criticism was necessary. Of course, it had to be authentic praise or the individual would see right through it, but if nothing else it shows you want things to go well for the person, and for the relationship. I always do that in personal relationships, Wynne. If you stay genuine throughout, the recipient is more likely to take the criticism, and seriously consider the merit of making the necessary adjustments. It is all about offering criticism for me, not imposing it.

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  16. Wishing Vicki the best of luck with her new book!

    I know how hard feedback can be. I finished the first draft of a book and I was told that I should continue to write it in the narrative format I had used for the beginning of the book instead of keeping it as a journal entry style for the remainder. I think it’s easier for me to keep that format, as it’s probably a layer of protection from the difficult and strange stuff that happens. The thought of going back in to immerse myself in that time feels a little too overwhelming for me. I’m wondering if AI is developed enough to do that for me, lol!

    I hope your books is easier to write than mine Vickie!

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    2. Ah, that’s a hard one when the feedback involves something foundational. I think that’s where that discernment about whether or not to take it. And taking the time to figure out what feels right as Vicki advises in the podcast is good too. Thanks for the great comment!

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      1. Thanks, I’m still chewing on it, since going back in seems too daunting right now for me. A friend suggested a topic for a new book to write, and I feel I could tackle a whole new book much more easily!

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  17. Fabulous points! I love my writing critique group. I’m sure it didn’t happen overnight, but there is a shared trust among us. When my fellow writers and I read each other’s work, we understand that any constructive criticism is not directed at the person. It really is a collaborative teamwork approach. While I appreciate the support they offer me (I think 90% of their suggestions are spot on), I am excited for them as they continue to make progress on their projects.

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    2. You are such a good encourager, Pete. I can imagine how fun it is to be in a writing group with you! Very good point about shared trust – that really makes a different. Thanks for the great comment!

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  18. I love the concept of the Oreo method! Authenticity is so important. In my case, it’s the Cheez-It method. Cheese Nips have always been, and always will be, an inferior knockoff. I thought so when I was 10 years old, and I think so now that I am…well, not 10 years old.

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  20. I just finished listening to the podcast, and it was excellent. Vicki is right, parameters are important. Random feedback is not helpful. Providing feedback is not an easy task. Back when I was in the Army, my feedback mechanism consisted of at least two performance-related feedback sessions per year, sometimes more. I usually notified the person a week in advance because feedback is a two-way conversation, and we both needed to be prepared for the session. My feedback was always based on the performance objectives agreed upon during the initial discussion, highlighting strengths and weaknesses for each objective. During the session, we discussed ways to sustain the good and improve the areas that needed work. We also discussed long-term professional development and anything else the person wanted to talk to me about. Preparation is key, and we were usually able to keep the feedback session to about 30–45 minutes, sometimes less depending on the person.

    Regarding the discussion about Morgan Freeman’s quote, I think it is good to receive feedback even from those you would never ask for advice or from people who don’t like us very much. Sometimes there is truth in what they are saying, and it’s important to internalize it and figure out which aspects of that feedback are accurate and how you can improve. Not everyone is capable of receiving feedback, so some kind of preparation or education is needed in order to be receptive and understand that feedback is just that, the other person’s perspective on you. It is up to you to take the information and do something with it. Accept what is valuable and discard what is not. It’s better to receive a lot of feedback than none at all. Great discussion, my friend.

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    1. Not surprisingly, I love your approach to getting and giving thoughtful feedback. And your pushback on the Morgan Freeman quote is good feedback. You’re right that we can wither with too little feedback. Love your note that it’s better to receive a lot than none at all. You nailed it, my friend!

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  23. Giving feedback is easier than receiving it. I think that leaving the ego aside, as Vicky says, is very difficult because most of us tend to take things personally, while feedback is something on your work and not on you as a person, at least this is what is should be.

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  24. BRILLIANT Advice! As an author, I understand the power of Oreo feedback—as a spouse, I know that if one doesn’t temper feedback with positives—the top and bottom layers of a delicious chocolate cookie—then none of it is heard, and what a waste of potentially good feedback, right?

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  25. This is an excellent podcast, thanks so much. Giving and receiving feedback is one of life’s huge challenges in so many aspects. I belong to a couple of terrific critique groups and have gained so much from their feedback and learned so much from them over the years. But I messed up big time when a close relative came to me about feedback for a book they had written. I thought I did a good job and passed on a lot of what I had learned from feedback I had received. It did not go over well. I see now what I did wrong. I did not ask what kind of feedback she wanted and it was way too soon to get into the nitty gritty. We are now speaking again but it took a long time to mend that rift. (I should have remembered also that this person is extremely sensitive too) So my advice would be to tread carefully when critiquing a family members work!

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