Memoir Writing: Understanding the Why

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“Growing up as a kid, we don’t notice that our parents are growing up too.” – unknown

This post was originally published on 6/7/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

In the summer of 2015, I was pregnant with two projects. The most obvious was my daughter, but I was also about to give birth to a memoir about my father. My father had died in a bike accident the day after I finalized plans to become pregnant by invitro fertilization. His death kicked off an urgency to take the recordings I’d made of my conversations with him, and finish the effort I’d begun before he died to write about his life.

I spent the nine months of my pregnancy nurturing both projects, afraid that if I didn’t finish the book I might not be able to after my daughter was born. Then on a night in August 2015, at the end of the day on which I’d finished the very last line edits for the book, I went into labor with my daughter.

Essentially, I gave birth to both at the same time. And both events were joyous, scary, and full of “what now?”

I’ve also come to realize that there is another parallel between book projects and children – our understanding of them grows with time. This is the thing that surprises me the most – that with the benefit of hindsight, I continue to learn about what I myself have written. Who knew that was possible?

Here’s what I mean. I recently was reading Vicki Atkinson’s book Surviving Sue which is about Vicki’s journey with her mom, Sue, who suffered from anxiety, depression, alcoholism, Munchausen’s by Proxy, and Alzheimer’s. On the surface, I wouldn’t have drawn parallels between that and my memoir about my beloved father who didn’t suffer from any of those things.

But reading Vicki’s incredibly insightful, entertaining, and reflective words about her mom as she charted a trail through Sue’s life, I realized that we all navigate a path in our parents’ shadow. Whether we dig deep into what that was and write a memoir about it, or choose to go our own way and not think about it, the influence of a parent, present or absent, is powerful.

I think my beloved dad was an incredibly helpful influence on my life – and yet there are habits of his that I still carry, like aversion to conflict, that I need to heal. Maybe even more so because he didn’t do that work.

As I devoured Vicki’s well-written and insightful book about Sue, I found myself engrossed in the themes that Vicki wrote about, including:

  • Rethinking our parents as people
  • Understanding complicated family members and finding ways to love them anyway
  • Tending to unresolved childhood pain
  • Secrets and lies and how the weight of distortion impacts mental health
  • Dads and daughters and special bonds
  • Grace and patience

Whether the themes related to something in my life or not, reading a memoir from someone like Vicki who has done the work to understand the patterns in theirs is so inspirational. Whether our parents were hurtful or helpful, being able to tell their stories is an incredible gift to ourselves to uncover the a-ha of how their touch continues.

As we search for our “why’s” in life – the power behind what motivates us and defines us, figuring out our parent’s why’s is incredibly illuminating. Watching the way that Vicki uncovers that for her mom in Surviving Sue is like being at an archeology dig. Instructive to see the way she teases out the gems, suspenseful as we wade through the project, and thought-provoking for how we can apply it to our own lives. Then we can uncover, as Vicki does so masterfully, the objects and knowledge that give us the power and a chance for intergenerational healing.  

(featured photo from Pexels)

My book about my beloved father is available on Amazon: Finding My Father’s Faith

Vicki’s book: Surviving Sue print edition

Vicki’s book Surviving Sue Kindle edition

27 thoughts on “Memoir Writing: Understanding the Why”

  1. One element sometimes ignored in reconstructing a parent’s life is not only the psychological element, but the time and place he lived. A pandemic, a stock market crash, a violent or peaceful era, a safe or dangerous neighborhood, a hot or cold climate, the ethnic and racial community, etc. It takes some amount of imagination and an excellent awareness of history. Just a thought for future books, Wynne.

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  2. A beautiful post Wynne. There is indeed so much we carry with us from our parents. Genetics aside, I’m sure we all hear their familiar voices guiding us after they’ve gone. And the lessons learned through them and because of them is a poignant point you make. Finding meaning in it, understanding the patterns as you and Vicki have done, and creating that space for healing means we are further along in our journey. Love this.

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  8. Yes, at some point along the way I began to rethink my parents as people and it all seemed to make sense. I don’t know how old you need to be to get to this point, but if you’re lucky you get to it… as an adult… and understand them.

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    1. I love your comment, “if you’re lucky you get to it..as an adult…and understand them.” So incredibly lucky when it starts to make sense! Thanks for the insightful comment, Ally!

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  9. What an incredible time for you to have worked on your book! That looking back and looking forward at the same time. You and Vicki offer such wise suggestions about trying to understand the why’s behind our parents. How their journey led to us, and how we’re affected.

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    1. Looking back and looking forward – what an insightful comment, Dave. Yes, the crossroads are always packed with meaning, aren’t they? Thank you, my friend!

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  10. I did not realize that you were writing your dad’s book while you were pregnant with your daughter. What a beautiful connection to becoming a parent while exploring what that process is all about. Thanks incredible. You describe Vicki’s book about her mom so beautifully. Vicki has such incredible insights into our way of being in the world and how she applies this knowledge to her childhood is nothing less than fascinating and inspirational. Parenting is a huge responsibility and when it is done well that children thrive. Hugs, C

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  11. Wynne, what an incredible time that must’ve been for you to be both pregnant and writing a book! Parent/child relationships can be very complicated, it may seem more so for those of us that had parents like Vicki. What I’ve also found is that, just when we think we know our parents as people, we learn something that readjusts our hindsight. As a kid I was overly protective of my mom, even after many traumas. When I had my own child, I was surprised by how much love I had for my baby, and it confused me that my mom didn’t seem to feel the same for her children? I’ve since gone through many stages of learning her history, forgiving, recreating boundaries, and even after she died, and I became a grandma, I’m relearning how I feel about so many things… The story of our parents continues to grow and change, as our knowledge base broadens.

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    1. Wow, Rose – what a rich tapestry of learning and relearning you describe. Yes, it’s like each step we take comes with more insights and the story changes. So insightful! Thanks for the great comment!

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  12. “We all live in our parents’ shadows.” This is so true. They seem to tower over us indeed as children and only it is through adult eyes do we see them as humans too and see the vulnerabilities and imperfections that weren’t quite there when we were younger.

    I can’t wait to see what our kids make of us when they are older!

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