Tag: joy

Gratitude Journal

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“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller

I woke up early this morning and sat down to meditate as I do every morning. When I sit on the cushion, usually what I’ve been worrying about, sweating the details of or puzzling over comes up. So I spend the next few minutes leaning in to whatever it is that’s got me by the throat and trying to make friends with it. If I’m lucky, I get a few moments of that stillness that feeds my soul somewhere in the process.

However, this morning nothing rushed towards me. My family is doing fine. There are plenty of things I could and probably will worry about sometime but at this moment, none are pressing. I am full – of rest and love and faith that all will be okay. Wow wow wow!

So here’s my list of things I’m grateful for to mark this spectacular moment:

A parent that I never met created a fund for the teachers who are ran a camp for our kids this week. While the teachers were with our kids, someone smashed the windows of their cars and took backpacks and coats. I’m grateful that in response to that unkindness, someone did the work to unite us in kindness and care as a community to help pay for the repairs.

My daughter and I rode our bikes to a local donut shop and instead of bringing my wallet, I just brought a $20 bill. Turns out that they stopped accepting cash as part of COVID and so when we went pay after we’d ordered, I didn’t have a way to do so. A dad with his kids outside saw this happen and went in and got the order they’d restocked after we’d turned away. When I tried to give him my cash, he said, “I don’t take cash either.” I’m grateful we rode away from there with food in our bellies and the warmth of strangers in our hearts.

When I wondered to myself this week about whether I’m doing the work I should be and specifically whether I should spend time writing, I received two comments that helped me know that I’m heard and valued. I’m grateful that the mysterious process of asking for what I need from the Universe worked to keep my head in the game so that my heart can speak.

My daughter made a sign that said, “Yor the best mom.” While I appreciate the words, I’m most grateful that she learned to read and write in a year where she mostly had online Kindergarten. I’m grateful that she is learning the immense value of words to reach other people and to share what I love, which is to read and understand someone else’s experience.

My 82-year-old mother golfed with some new friends in a tournament about an hour from where she lives. I’m so grateful that she is so healthy, resourceful and energetic as to be able to find all sorts of ways to enjoy life at every age.

One evening this week I was watering plants with my son and he ended up soaked. I laid out a blanket on the ground with a couple of pillows and after I covered him with a towel, we laid there together and looked up at the dazzling evening blue sky. I’m grateful that even without too many words, we can look at the same beautiful view, point, laugh and know that we belong to each other.

I’ve listened and read so much great content lately (many mentioned in this post) that seems to be converging on the wisdom to give up perfectionism and celebrate being the messy, imperfect and authentic person I am. I’m so grateful that I woke up this morning and that for today, I feel like I am enough.

Whole-Hearted Joy

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“Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don’t unravel.” – unknown

One of my friends has a beautiful ten-year-old golden doodle. They walk miles together every day and he’s constantly by her side. From nearly the moment she got him as a puppy, I’ve heard her say, “Oh, I’m going to miss you when you’re gone.” Foreboding joy. Trying to protect from feeling so much love by reminding ourselves it will end.

I remember hearing MSW and research professor Brené Brown talk about that feeling that steals over us when we go in to check on our kids at night. Standing over their beds watching them sleep, she said it’s nearly universal that we imagine the horror of losing them. I was so relieved. I thought it was just me. Foreboding joy. As Brené Brown says, “What we do in moments of joyfulness is, we try to beat vulnerability to the punch.”

It’s the reason I never want to have it all – happy marriage, beautiful family, good health. If things are going too well, I’m afraid that something will have to fall apart. Is it possible that the hidden underlying reason that I chose to become a single-parent is not wanting to have too good of a life? There are too many circumstantial things to go that far but there’s a nugget of truth that I feel in some twisted way less vulnerable when life is as much work as I’m putting in each of these days.

The antidote the Brené Brown has found through her research is gratitude. The people that Brené calls whole-hearted people from her studies are the ones who can embrace joy with open arms because they are so grateful. And practicing gratitude every day with a gratitude journal or a routine at dinner for everyone to name something they are grateful for is the way we lean in to it.

I wrote a post recently about my dad dying suddenly in a bike accident so I’ve been thinking a lot about what happens when the phone rings with terrible news. I know that gratitude has carried me through many of those tough moments – grateful that I was lucky enough to get him as a father, grateful that he didn’t suffer, grateful that we didn’t have to make tough choices about his care had it not been a sudden death, grateful that I have half of my lifetime of fun memories with him. None of the grief has been easy but the more I’ve celebrated who my dad was and the relationship we shared, the less I’ve suffered the ache of not having him.

So it seems like gratitude works on both ends – to keep us feeling the full joy of things as they happen and comfort us when the worst comes to pass. A worthwhile price to pay for whole-hearted joy!

The Great Turnaround

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“If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else.” – Booker T. Washington

The other night we were eating dinner outside and my five-and-half-year-old daughter was feeling discontent. She didn’t like what we were eating, she didn’t like the chair she was sitting in, nothing wasn’t quite right with her and I don’t think she could name the source. Then the ice cream truck came and she asked if she could get some. I said she could if she handled the transaction and used her own money. She asked $20? And I said, “No, $4” which still seems like a ridiculous price to me.

She went inside, found everything she needed: wallet, mask and shoes and for the very first time, handled the ice cream truck transaction all by herself. It was just on the other side of the fence from where I sat so I could hear the tenor of what was going on, if not the details, and I knew my neighbor was there to help her if she needed it.

Soon enough she came back…with two popsicles. She had chosen to get one for her brother. The ice cream man told her she needed to pay $4 more and she debated about the big spend but decided that her most beloved brother was worth it.

The transformation of her mood was the most remarkable thing. She felt confident and generous. It was like watching a drooping flower stand back up and shine again. She told the story with all the details multiple times and just radiated!

It was a beautiful lesson for me. That we are all better when we are giving. And that to turn things around in a day, it just takes one moment of choosing to do something gracious and it will lift up everyone around. When her brother couldn’t finish his popsicle and gave it back to her to finish, it was easy to see that the spirit of giving had turned into the spirit of giving back.

The Price of Anticipation

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“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” – Les Brown

My mom invited my five-year-old daughter over for a sleep over at her apartment this weekend. Her place is air conditioned and she had a ton of fun plans like piano lessons and songs to wake up to. My daughter was so excited. Mostly because Nana’s apartment is a place full of treasures that she hasn’t been able to visit during this pandemic but also because her friend that is just a little bit older at 7-years-old is always talking about sleepovers. What a thrill! But then my mom had to cancel because she lives in a retirement community and they reinforced the message that no children under the age of 16-years-old are allowed, even if they don’t go into any common areas. My daughter was so disappointed! She said to me, “I’m just going to expect that good things get canceled.”

Of all the emotions, disappointment seems the easiest to avoid. As my daughter said, you can just expect good things won’t happen, right? It only means giving up anticipation. The feeling of waking up in the morning, remembering what you are going to do today and feeling, “yay!” because it’s something fun.

But what about love then? Is it tempting to decide not to love because the feeling of heartbreak is too crushing to endure? Or what about hope? Giving up the tug that we can, will and might just be lucky enough make our lives better just in case we fail?

All of my favorite emotions have their shadow side. I’ve struggled with trying not to feel any of those and come away worse for the wear. As the brilliant writer, Ashley C. Ford said in a podcast I heard a couple of months ago, “I tried to live a disappointing life so that I wouldn’t ever be disappointed.”

I’m finally understanding the idea of leaning in towards life instead. When getting a little off tilt, leaning forwards, not backwards. But my daughter’s disappointment this weekend made me realize that while I have been practicing that for myself, I’ve been doing the opposite with my kids. I often don’t tell them about things that might be canceled so that they don’t get disappointed. I hold myself as a back stop for all their possible shadow side feelings. As is so often the case, having kids has given me another level of practice. I can still lean forwards with my kids in my arms, ready for joy and also holding them in disappointment.

The Gift of Appreciation

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“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

For my 14th birthday, I gave myself a kitten. My dad said he didn’t like cats after he was attacked by a wild one when he was young and studying abroad in India. So I came up with a ruse to get a kitten, box it up and put it on the porch as an anonymous gift to myself. When my dad opened the door on my birthday to get the paper, he found an empty gift on the porch – and then hanging off the side of the porch was a little black kitten. He scooped it up, put it in the garage, called me down to talk about it – and we kept it!

That story became part of our family lore. Especially because I had gotten the kitten from a parishioner in the church my dad was Sr. Pastor of and so it was only a matter of a day or so until he found out where the kitten came from and who was responsible. But laughing about it now, I also think there is some genius to giving ourselves the thing we want most for our birthdays. It means naming what we most need instead of relying on others to figure it out.

For me, that’s appreciation. Appreciation for my body, mind and soul that has carried me this far.

I am so thankful for my body. It’s not perfect but it woke up this morning. I’ve abused it, pushed it past it’s limits at times but it has carried me through many adventures and produced two children. It is a mystery of how it continues to work no matter how much crappy fuel, lack of care and big challenges it has faced but it is my engine and I’m grateful.

I am so thankful for my mind. It’s not perfect but it’s teachable. It allows me to remember all the people who have shaped me. From my parents who conceived, carried and raised me to the countless friends, family and mentors who have come beside me, and even the few people who have been oppositional forces in my years, I have learned so much. My mind has figured out how to navigate the circumstances set before it and jot down notes for other travelers along the way and I’m grateful.

I am so thankful for my spirit and soul. It’s not perfect but it knows love.  It is my cup of sunshine that fills every day and rests and restores every night. As the seat of openness to Divine Love and Universal Truth, it has been my way to wisdom and joy. I’ve finally attuned an ear to listen to its guidance and although I frequently take side routes, it calls me back again and again and I’m grateful.

As I wrap this gift of appreciation, I am most grateful for the Divine Spark that has breathed life into me and all those around me! Wow, do I feel lucky!