conflict – Surprised By Joy

The Feelings Expert

February 23, 2022Posted in meditationTagged communication, conflict, feelings, relationships, talking15 Comments

“The more we sweat in peace, the less we bleed in war.” – Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit

The other day my daughter, Miss O, came home from school upset because she had a little kerfuffle with a fellow 1^st grader at school. He kicked down the wall of wood chips she and her friends were building and when she went to talk to him about it, he started talking before she could get the words out. This is the conversation she reported to me.

Miss O: “You can’t take the words out of my mouth.”

Boy: “Yes, I can.”

Miss O: “Er…I’m going to talk to my mom about this. She’s an expert on feelings. I’ll tell you what she says tomorrow.”

I’m amused by the title she’s given me. I remember reading Brain Rules for Baby by University of Washington professor John Medina when she was a baby. It said that to help our kids manage their big emotions, we had to model naming our emotions, even the less desirable ones. I clearly thought “no thank you” to that but I guess I must have made some inroads countering my own resistance and stoic modeling from my childhood.

But more than that, I find my daughter’s story to be so relatable. Communication is hard isn’t it? Especially in those tight moments when you are disappointed or angry and the words, if they come, get muddled.

Last week I was listening to a 10 Percent Happier episode titled How Not to Ruin Your Relationships with Drs John and Julie Gottman and they were talking about situations where we are overwhelmed by emotion. In that case, we are flooded and there’s no point in continuing to talk. They recommended walking away, doing something completely different until we can return to the conversation.

Which is what Miss O did. We talked through not calling any names or labeling the other person and instead just stating what she felt and needed like being able to finish her sentence. When I asked her if she’d said any of that to the boy the next day she said, “Nah, it wasn’t that big of deal.”

It reminded me – learning to talk is one thing and learning to communicate is a whole other thing. One that takes a lifetime to work on. But I’m inspired by the quote at the top of this post from Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, “The more we sweat in peace, the less we bleed in war.”

(featured photo from Pexels)

The Work of Friends

September 19, 2021Posted in meditation, ParenthoodTagged conflict, family, friendship, meditation, parenting, perspective

“My friends are the beings through whom God loves me.” – Saint Martin

My six-year-old daughter’s friend called her bossy the other day. Oh-boy, did this touch a whole chain reaction of feelings in me, not many of them that I’m proud of. Judgment of the little girl, defensiveness for all girls who dare to live out loud, and an instinct to criticize the name-caller in order to reduce the sting to list a few. But more than that, an internal outburst at the insidious nature of learning so that just when I’ve finally figured out how to belong to myself and not worry too much about what anyone else thinks, life takes it up a notch so that I have to master NOT reacting on the behalf of my children.

Assuming (and hoping) that I have many years to go with this experience of supporting these children as they grow through self-acceptance and however they come to terms with the good and bad of other’s acceptance, I brought this question of how I was going to deal with it to the meditation cushion.

Here’s what showed up. I wouldn’t do my kids homework for them because it steals their opportunity to learn and grow. But I will answer questions, fuel their desire for learning, sit with them and hold their hands if necessary.

In the same way, I can’t do their social work for them. It also would steal their opportunity to learn and grow. So my job is the same – to sit beside them, help them uncover their own wisdom and hold their hands if necessary.

My daughter and I talked about how she felt. She decided to ask her friend if she had been called bossy, how that felt and talk about treating others the way she wants to be treated. I heard a little bit of the conversation and kept my mouth shut. As first steps in the realm of friendship go, it went okay.

Then I went and talked to my friends about this indirect experience of life that comes with parenting. More than anything, the fact that I’ve had these friends through many ups and downs in life and friendship, helped widen my perspective. I’ve never been able to solve their problems either. But through them I’ve learned to walk alongside others, letting go of what I can’t control and breathing in to the faith that showing up is what we are called to do with others and it works!

Moving To Our Shared Rhythm

March 8, 2021Posted in meditation, ParenthoodTagged conflict, listening, meditation, music, parenting, power of the universe, resolution

“Most problems, given enough time and space, will eventually wear themselves out.” – Buddha

Two nights ago my son, 19 months old, woke in the middle of the night crying. It was so unusual that I had to go in to check to see if he was sick or cold, lost his lovey or something else disastrous. And in going in, I found that nothing really was wrong. He’d just woken up so I held him until he got sleepy again and put him back in the crib. So then the next night he awoke around the same time and started crying. Over the course of his learning to sleep, this pattern has happened before. He wakes one night and I check and then for the two nights after, he awakens at the same time. I had no idea he knew how to tell time. But I have learned through trial and error that to stop the pattern, what I need to do on those subsequent nights is let him cry and soothe himself back to sleep.

The discernment of when to leave others alone is tricky. Thinking of the times that it’s been hard – whether it was bugging my mom incessantly for something I wanted to buy when I was a kid or needing resolution from friend or lover in the middle of a kerfuffle, I can feel the tension of those moments. My impulse is to insert myself and push things the way that I want because I can’t stand the internal conflict. Or, I take the opposite approach and walk away entirely, hardening myself against needing at all.

The longer I live the more I am able to sense the Cosmic timing that helps guide us. Like some grand orchestra, I play my instrument but it sounds better when I wait for the cues from the conductor. I can ask for what I need but the response may be in the next movement. Expressing my hurt to a friend is best done when I’m feeling the clarity of my own notes and they might need to tune up before they can reply. Listening to my kids work themselves or their relationship out is like letting them practice their parts, something they’ll never get a chance to do if I step in too quickly.

I don’t like listening to my baby cry for the time it takes him to soothe himself back to sleep. But it makes it easier when I have the music of the Universe ringing in my ears.