Category: humor

Wish Granted

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“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” – Mark Twain

There’s a funny thing about setting intentions, isn’t there? It’s like wishing for a butterfly to land on your finger so you put yourself outside and sit still enough for it to happen. But the next part is the crucial step. Will a butterfly land? Maybe it’ll be a ladybug? Or, yikes, it’s a mosquito. And then the magic comes in whether we are open to any of the above being an answer to the wish.

I had a list of five simple things that I wished for on Christmas day. At least one belly laugh that, in the best case, makes it so you can’t breathe for a split second was one of them.

On Christmas morning, my family came over to open presents with the kids. My mom, brother, sister-in-law, and two friends that are family by choice were sitting in the living room with the kids when I went into the hallway to get a bag for the debris. I heard my 84-year-old mom say, “I’m a non-violent person but I thought this gift looked fun.”

With my curiosity piqued, I popped back in to see four-year-old Mr. D opening the present in question. It was a hat, something like a shower cap, with Velcro on it, and three soft balls. The idea is for one person to wear the hat while other people throw balls at their head.

The laughter and jokes came fast and furious.

“Oh great, Nana,” my friend, Eric said, “teach the little ones to throw balls at people’s heads.”

“Imagine the team of game designers for this product,” my brother said. “The glee they must have had realizing they had a wide-open market for toys that we throw at people’s heads.”

At this point we were all laughing, but especially my mom who was laughing so hard she had tears running down her cheeks.

“Oh look,” my sister-in-law observed, “they mark each area of the head with points. You get 100 if you get one front and center and only 50 if you tag the side.”

My family isn’t immune to the angst that comes with holidays. We don’t all see things the same. And when my dad died suddenly, it created more division. My sister, who is a litigator, sued my brother for a million dollars. They settled but my sister remains largely estranged.

That’s just some of the family wounds we carry and the holes we feel at the holidays. But for that moment, we were right where we belonged. We were howling by the time we finished with unwrapping (and dissecting) this first gift.

Wish fulfilled.

[No children or adults were harmed in the making of this post.]

(featured photo from Pexels)

Sunday Funnies: Dec 31st

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 12/4/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Persistence

A duck enters a bar and asks for duck food. The bartender says, “We don’t have any and we don’t serve ducks, now get out of here!”

The next day the ducks returns and asks for duck food. The bartender replies hotly, “I told you ‘no.’ Now get out and if you come back I’ll nail those web feet to the floor.”

The following day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender answers, “No.” Then the duck asks, “Then do you have any duck food?”

Sunday Funnies: December 24

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 11/27/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Expectations

It was Aunt Sarah’s birthday. Aunt Sarah was ninety-nine years old — the oldest resident in a small town. Among the guests at her birthday party was her thirty-nine-year-old pastor. As the pastor was preparing to leave, he said, “Now, Aunt Sarah, I hope that one year from this very day, I will be able to come and celebrate your one-hundredth birthday with you.” Aunt Sarah looked at him for a moment, then said, “I don’t see why not! You look fairly healthy to me!”

Sunday Funnies: December 17

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 11/20/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Magically Appearing

A rabbi goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, “Rabbi, you’re a learned man, a wise man, I couldn’t charge you. It’s on the house. The rabbi says, “Thank you very much, Shalom” and leaves. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes the pay, the barber says, “No money, please, you’re a spiritual leader, a man of the people. It’s on the house. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rubies.

The following week a Presbyterian minister comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, “No, Reverend, you are a holy man, a man of the cloth. I can’t take any money from you, go in peace and serve the Lord. The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 Presbyterian ministers.

Sunday Funnies: December 10

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 11/13/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Short Shots

Same Starting Date... It may be true that life begins at 40, but so does rheumatism. (submitted by Byron Erixon)

Advice From an Old Carpenter….Measure twice and saw once.

Friendship…Keep a fair-sized cemetery in your back yard, in which to bury the faults of your friends. (Henry Ward Beecher)

Why Mothers Cry…Many girls marry men just like their fathers, which may explain why many mothers cry at weddings. (From “Prokope” Warren Wiersbe, Ed.)

Youth Vs. Maturity...We are only young once, be we can be immaturely indefinitely. (Bits and Pieces)

Love and Truth…The man who will not admit he’s wrong loves himself more than he loves the truth. (Bits and Pieces)

They’re Not Permanent...Success is not permanent, but neither is failure. (Bits and Pieces)

Sunday Funnies: December 3

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 11/6/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

SHORT SHOTS

Negotiation skills…The art of negotiation is something you learn at an early age. You’d be amazed at how many teenagers get their first car by asking for a motorcycle. (Jim Vorsas, Saratoga, CA)

Assume the position for troubles… If all your troubles are deep-seated and of long-standing, try kneeling. (Bits & Pieces)

There He is... Just when we are safest, there’s a sunset touch, a flower bell, someone’s death and lo, He stands before us, blocking our path so that we cannot go on until we have dealt with Him. (Robert Browning)

The Truth About You…There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself — an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly. (Antisthenes, Cynic Philosopher)

Sunday Funnies: November 26

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 10/23/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Profit

A small businessman from the old country kept his accounts payable in a cigar box, his accounts receivable on a spindle, and his cash in the cash register. His son said, “I don’t see how you can run your business this way. How do you know what your profits are?”

The businessman replied, “Son, when I got off the boat, I had only the pants I was wearing. Today your sister is an art teacher, your brother is a doctor, and you’re an accountant. I have a car, a home and a good business. Everything is paid for. So you add it all up, subtract the pants, and there’s your profit.”

From Parables, etc. Vol. 3, #3, May 1983

Sunday Funnies: November 19

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 10/16/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Children

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you…”

_______________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, Dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice, “The big baby.”

Sunday Funnies: November 12

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 10/9/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Church Funnies

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his soon Jeffy asked, “Daddy, how do you know what to draw?” Bill replied, “God tells me,” Jeffy said, “Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?”

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: “The Gate of Heaven.” Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: “Please use other entrance.”

Sunday Funnies: November 5

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A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 9/25/2022).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Hard Choices

A 92-year-old man who lived a pretty wild life was given a birthday present by his wild son (himself in his 70s): a call girl for the night. When he went to answer the door bell, he found this very beautiful woman standing there, dressed in a way that revealed her profession.

She greeted him with the words: “Hi, I’m Susie, and I’ve come to give you a birthday present: super sex!”

The man stood there for a bit, trying to take it all in, and then finally blurted out:

“I’ll take the soup!”