“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” – Maya Angelou
There was a moment when I knew my marriage was over. It was about ten months after my business partner told me about my husband’s infidelities. We had been trying to put our marriage back together. And then one day I walked into the kitchen. My ex had cooked an egg, broken the yolk, dribbled it all across the stove and counter on the way to the plate (I assume), eaten breakfast (again, I assume – didn’t see that part), and then left the house without cleaning it up.
I took a picture of it with the remark, “Really?” and texted it to him while he was golfing. [Granted that might not have been the best way to deal with it on my part.]
He texted back a rant which I can’t remember verbatim. But it ended, “because I’m married to a bitch who can’t communicate.”
I sat on the living room couch with my elbows leaning on my knees and looked at that message for a long time. I felt so tired. I knew I was done trying.
I’m a little slow to realize when it’s time to stop trying. But every time I accept that whatever I’m trying to do is not going to work, I get the same feeling. Maybe you know what I mean – it’s a sensation that lands the moment I know that I’m not going to succeed. It’s a cross between a gut punch and a groan.
And I have a visual that usually comes to mind at the same time. It’s from a climb I did on Mt. Whitney in 2005 – I’m lying on my back in the snow balanced on a giant pack, tired, and hungry, knowing I’m not going to make the summit. The marriage is a very dramatic example, but I flash to that even at smaller moments like when I’ve accepted that I overreached on the menu for a dinner party plan and need to stop.
In this episode of The Life of Try podcast, I tell the story about that winter climb on Whitney and the three things I’ve learned about working through that gut punch.
- Pause before reacting to disappointment. Urgency is often just fear trying to get us to move before we’re ready.
- Take the learning and leave the shame.
- Widen the definition of success. A try can still matter even when the original outcome changes. Courage, honesty, effort, and accepting help all count.
If you are navigating disappointment, burnout, uncertainty, or a dream that feels too heavy to carry, this episode offers encouragement to pause, learn, accept help, and keep becoming the kind of person who tries.
Here are more ways to listen and subscribe:
- Click this link to watch in a browser: When You Know You Aren’t Going to Make It
- Subscribe to The Life of Try on Spotify, Amazon Music, or Apple Podcasts
- Subscribe to the YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@thelifeoftry
Links for this episode:
When You Know You Aren’t Going to Make It transcript
📘 Amazon: Enough: Climbing Toward a True Self on Mount Everest by Melissa Arnot Reid
📘 Amazon: The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo
🔗 Connect with Dr. Kristin Neff
- Website:→ https://self-compassion.org/
- Linkedin: → https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristinneff/
Other Episodes You Might Enjoy
➡️ Letting Go Of Outcomes: The Mindset That Keeps You Moving
➡️ Why Second Place Isn’t Failure | The Hidden Power of Persistence & Resilience
➡️ When Your Plans Fall Apart | How to Stay Resilient, Adapt & Keep Moving Forward
Success isn’t always about finishing first. Sometimes the greatest victories belong to those who stay prepared, keep growing, and never stop trying.
Surprised By Joy 
I tend to think trying harder will win.
It is a soul-destroying excercise at best Wynne.
We need to know when to leave the table.
Thank you so much for your insights.
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This speaks to me. It takes me quite a while before I call it quits. But eventually I figure it out. That fear of failure is strong. The key is to stop thinking of it as failure, but as part of the learning experience. Easier said, than done. 😉
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Thank you for the Wednesday motivation, Wynne. It’s a cold rainy thunderstormy day and I didn’t have the best of sleep – thinking about things I know won’t matter a year from now – so this was just the boost of wisdom and heart I needed.
I love your mountaineering stories and you gained more than the Summit photo from this Whitney experience – even if the wisdom was not fully unpacked 20 years later.
The real blessing is in the try – and knowing when to let go is sometimes a more valuable experience than making it to the top. It’s not failure but wisdom earned and invested for a future try. It’s also nice to have that community of support to be there when you are grieving the unrealized goal and to give you the motivation to try again!
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Love your life lessons – you have so much insight. On another note–my daughter just climbed Mt Whitney last week, her first 14er, so she can relate to how difficult it is!
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Wise and poignant reminders. Thanks for sharing your vulnerability and wisdom Wynne.
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I always appreciate your honesty and openness, Wynne. I also have a tendency to keep pushing, only to overextend myself; it’s a hard habit to break. I can always use the reminder to pause, learn, and accept help so thank you for offering that permission. 💕
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I love what Darlene said in her earlier comment…the trick is to stop thinking of the setbacks as failures…they’re just learning experiences. 😜
I think this might be my new favorite episode, Wynne! Love how you threaded the stories and points of encouragement throughout. Well done! 💝💝💝
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Maya’s quote is so true, Wynne. It takes a while to realize we simply can’t control everything that happens in life – and to us – but we can control our reactions. And to be sure, some of my failures have been when I have learned the most, and helped me greatly after the fact.
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Wynne- there is so much valuable wisdom and truth in this episode I don’t even know what to mention first! But if I had to pick, I might say the part about keeping the learning and leaving shame behind. For me, part of the joy of trying is not necessarily to be successful, but to gain an experience or knowledge (although success is nice too!)I think this episode is my favorite piece you’ve ever done – written or audio. 🤩🤩🤩
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“Pause before reacting to disappointment.”
Having unfortunately been there in a ‘marriage mess’ myself once Wynne, l would add a phrase from my favorite Book that has always helped get me through the life’s ‘messes’ I’ve encountered along the journey …
” Be still and know that I am God”
Be blessed lady, and …
Keep Looking Up ^ … His Best is Yet to Come!
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Thanks, Wynne. No clever contribution or meaningful memory. Just, thank you.
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this is such a poignant and strong message and a skill that is so important. i knew when my marriage was over on halloween when we were trick or treating with our young children, believe it or not. it hits when it hits. so important to recognize this, and to move ahead even if you don’t know the outcome
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