Open Up, Buttercup

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“The opposite of faith isn’t doubt, it’s cynicism.” – Billy Bragg

I was telling my kids the other day that my mom used to say to me about my chores, “If you’re going to do a bad job, I might as well do it myself.”

My kids looked at me quizzically, an expression that I’m quite sure mirrored mine as a kid when my mom said it. As a parenting trope, that might be one of the worst.

Because I would immediately think, but not say (after all, this was parenting in the 1970’s), “Go ahead and do it yourself.”

Little did I know that a half century later, I’d come to see that it’s pattern I fight against. I tend to do things myself and not ask for help. It’s a tendency that isolates me – which I mean that I sometimes ignore the bridges others throw my direction.

I recognize that I have two different types of, “I’ll do it myself.” There’s the “It’s okay, I’m good – I’ve got this.” And there’s the “Argh, I’m disappointed with other humans. It’s enervating to just think about communicating my needs to someone else so I’m just going to hunker down and do it myself.”

It’s the second type, the one that’s a little cynical, that I need to watch for. I’m come to think of it as when I get a little heart-sore. It happens when I get tired, when someone is spinning out at work, have watched too much news, or when I’ve tried to say something that matters to someone dear to me and they miss the point.

I’ve come to recognize this state of cynicism because the dialogue in my head starts to run a roll call of my disappointments. When the litany starts to get long, involve old wounds, or last for more than a day, I know I’ve got more than a situation, I’m a little heart sore. It may be imperceptible from the outside but my willingness to be vulnerable goes down and my protective shield goes up.

It’s funny – just like with my mom’s phrase, the only person I hurt when I close in on myself is me. I work better in life when I’m open. It behooves me to recognize when I get cynical and do some movement (the modified side plank pose opens up that space so that I can breath elasticity into the heart space when it’s tight), have lunch with a friend, or write a post about it.

Ah, I feel better now…

Speaking of great conversations with friends, check out the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast this week. I talk with my dear friend and co-host, Vicki Atkinson about the Keys to Collaborative Success. Being open is just one of them.

Also, I’m so grateful to Edward Ortiz from the Thoughts about leadership, history, and more blog to writing a review of my book. I so appreciate his incredibly thoughtful and deep analysis about life in his writings. I couldn’t be more appreciative that he spent the time to read and review my book: Book Review: Finding My Father’s Faith

46 thoughts on “Open Up, Buttercup”

  1. Your capacity for reflection and self-awareness is a rare gift, Wynne. Therapists look for this in every patient. You are unflinching in your look in the mirror. The world would be better if more of us displayed such courage.

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  2. Your posts today made me think about in college when I hated it when the prof would bring up the idea of a group project. I always hated how the work would get distributed — never very well — and how it was always hard to come together in a short period of time. Fortunately, over the years, I’ve had to collaborate and work with others all the time. I can still get that queasy feeling, but I’ve been fortunate to work with some great people. When things don’t work out though, I can relate completely to your two tendencies. It’s hard not to get mad at people overall. The key thing for me is making sure I’m making my needs heard. I may still feel that way, but if I’m expressing myself then it’s earned feelings and not a downward spiral. Love how you’ve put words to this feeling Wynne. Love it.

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    1. Oh, I love your note about expressing your needs. I totally go silent on those and it doesn’t help. And for the record, I felt the same about group projects in college too! Thanks for the great comment!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, I’m good with telling others what to do. I’m horrible at following my own advice. Just horrible at it. It’s easier for me to keep quiet than to let someone know that I’m having issues or need them to do their job. Ugh. I’m right there with you Wynne.

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  3. You have nailed it, Wynne, with the two different types of, “I’ll do it myself,” and the realization that we’re only hurting ourselves when we don’t accept help.

    Liked by 6 people

  4. I really like what Erin shared…that tendency to ‘hunker down’ usually results in a rise in spiteful feelings…cranky Vicki. Better to ask for what I need, risk disappointment but at least ask. Ah, the lessons we learn! 🥰😉🥰

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  5. My mom never said that she’d do it herself. Instead, my brother and I came home to school to an empty house with a legal pad of chores scrawled on every line. She was getting a second degree at the UW. I resented those chore lists for much. I realize now it was her way to keep us busy in an empty home! I would do chores for my kids because I’d be busy and inpatient. It didn’t help them at all. As for collaborating on work projects it can seem unfair when all the work falls on us!

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  6. It is so hard to let others help when you know you could do it faster and better yourself. I admit to being like that myself. I think our world glorifies independence and sometimes sees accepting help as a sign of weakness. But we’re social creatures, and we’re stronger together.

    Loved today’s podcast…especially the marshmallow story at the end. 😂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Now you have me giggling about marshmallows, Michelle. Geez, those 2/3 full bags just drive me crazy. Talk about a need to declutter! Why doesn’t anyone sell a “we just going to roast marshmallows twice on vacation” sized bag? 🙂

      I love your note about being independent. Yes, I feel that too! Thanks for listening to our podcast!

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  7. As women we get judged far more now than ever, and moms get it from all sides, no doubt due to Pinterest and Insta setting impossibly high standards! I saw my daughter getting frustrated when the kids didn’t do the chores well and she’d redo them. It stressed everyone out. She handles things differently now, just sends them back to redo it if it isn’t done to finish. Now Mr. D is almost 17, has a part-time job outside of school, and he’s one of the best in the team in spite of being the youngest. Learning a good work ethic helps not only the family but better prepares them for working life!

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      1. We’re all influenced by social media these days, one way or another. Yes, teaching our kids a good work ethic instead of shielding them from honest work is to emotionally cripple their future.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. This post brought back memories of my days in corporate America, but now it all about teams at our house!!! The harder and quicker we work the more time for playing!! Wishing a weekend filled with much fun!!!!😘

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I hear you on the cynicism and closing in on ourselves, Wynne. I feel this frustration with T and I evade the frustration by often doing things myself.

    Your post reminds me of that saying around teaching others to fish instead of fishing for them. The frustration of teaching can be rewarding in the long run in their independent success. Easier said than done, I know.

    Coincidentally, T opened a can of cat food this morning and fed the cats while we were still sleeping. So there’s some progress! 😆

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  10. Oh I feel this one, Wynne. Growth only happens when we are open….but it feels “safer” to be self-contained. Even though my kids are grown, its easier to ask them to handle something for me….since I trained myself to teach and guide them when they were young. (I hope that makes sense)

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  11. Oh Wynne, I L💖VE your mother’s quote – “the only person I hurt when I close in on myself is me.” That’s so true and priceless. You can’t make sense out of the senseless…I found that out the hard way! But congrats on that beautiful review Edward wrote for your book. I know you are tickled pink my friend. 🌺💟🌷

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  15. You are so incredibly self-aware and insightful Wynne. I just read Vicki’s post about Collaboration. And it’s so true. Collaboration requires trust. And trust requires vulnerability. Love this!

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Edward is a blessing, isn’t he? Have you read his father-in-law’s love poems? He and his wife are translating them ~ beautiful!

    Your post spoke right to me. Much food for thought. Thank you.

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