The Detective’s Toolbox

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“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” – e.e. cummings

Mr. D hasn’t wanted to go to his pre-school lately. It’s been such a marked change that it’s evoked the inner detective in me trying to figure out why. Was it the week that the lead teacher went on vacation? Is there a shift in schedule or meals that is bugging him? Is there a particular classmate that he’s having trouble with?

At four-years-old, Mr. D doesn’t seem to have the answers to the questions. I say that like his age is the factor. I’m sure it is in part, but I think we all get stumped about what’s bugging us from time to time.

Yesterday, we’d just parked at the curb and were just sitting there collecting ourselves before we went in to school. Cooper, the dog, was in the front seat next to me. Mr. D from the back seat said, “Cooper is sad.” I asked why and he said, “Cooper is sad because he misses us.”

Oooh, my first break in the case.

So I tried two more things. At the end of the day, I asked Mr. D to tell me a story about school. He told me a story about John waiting in line for the roller coaster on the playground. Another student, Molly, gave John a look and it made him sad. So Mr. D went to play with John and it made John happy.

The second thing was to have him show me something he’d learned that day. They are studying the human body this week. In their study of the stomach and intestines, they put bread into plastic bags with soda water died green to mimic stomach acid.

We repeated the experiment at home so that he could teach his older sister and me. Yes, it’s really gross, but I took one for science’s sake. And giving Mr. D a chance to showcase a bit of how he spent his day made him feel proud of his learning.

Here’s what I noticed. That when we don’t know what’s wrong, we project it on to others like Cooper the dog. We also can get to it by telling stories or acting things out. I haven’t cracked the case entirely yet but I’ve started figuring out the toolset. A similar set of tools probably works for all of us.

Speaking of telling stories, Vicki and I talk with David from the Pinwheel in a Hurricane and unwanted blogs on the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast this week. It is a fantastic episode where David talks about doing story work to find clarity, integration, and healing. Check it out: Episode 53: Practicing Creativity with David

42 thoughts on “The Detective’s Toolbox”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear Mr. D has been having trouble with preschool, though you’re doing a great job of trying to get to the bottom on it. You’re so right about how we often project our big, hard-to-pin-down emotions onto others. Hopefully, you’ll come across some more clues and be able to help Mr. D get to the root cause.

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  2. Isn’t it interesting what four year olds come up with and how Mr. D projected his feelings on Cooper? You reminded me of my son in kindergarten who was having trouble with a friend. He told me, “He hurt my feelings. I think his feelings are only in black and white. I have feelings in many colors — more than you can find in a crayon box.”

    Yes, I turned it into a children’s story.

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      1. It won an annual Writer’s Digest Competition for children’s fiction. Then there was a website in the UK that a writer friend told me to submit it to. It had two young girls reading stories with their British accents. It was adorable, but the website no longer exists. It was called Smories. I’ve submitted the story to book publishers, but no luck for a picture book. It’s something to dust off and try again!

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  3. I feel for Mr D and sad Cooper too!!! But, I have all the confidence that detective Wynne will put the perpetrator in the box and come out with the answers. On a serious note, love how you’re helping Mr D come up with the words. I remember that — being in that position and what you’re doing is so helpful. Hang in there!!!!!!☺️☺️☺️☺️😎

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  4. I can’t find the right words…which is annoying to me on so many levels…but I’ll just say this. I love Mr. D. I just do. He is one big beating heart, isn’t he? xo! 💕🥰💕

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  5. I’ve spent my life wondering and trying to work out why people in general and children in particular do stuff…
    When our son was little, he had misbehaved. I can’t remember what he had done, but we were reprimanding him. The conversation went something like:
    ‘Why did you do that?’
    I don’t know.’
    ‘Was it something your brother said?’
    I don’t know.
    After our best further questioning he finally exploded ‘Does there have to be a reason?!’
    I’ve often reflected on that. Sometimes we – and children – just do stuff without any logical reason. We may want to know why, but looking for a reason is a waste of time.

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  6. This story took me back instantly to the time Cara had just started 1st grade. She was a young first-grader and although we never figured out exactly what was going on there were mornings that traumatized both she and I. Between her then teacher, her former Kindergarten teacher and myself- we placed her back in K. She could cruise through the curriculum of course and her K teacher was great in giving her extra *work* to keep her challenged. She stabilized emotionally almost right away so something was amiss in those first few months as a 1st grader (I suspected an issue with another little girl who was on the older side of being a 1st grader) but we let it go. On her next attempt the following year everything was fine.

    You may never get a clear answer with D, but you are being an excellent parent in helping him to put a voice to whatever he is feeling, and giving those feelings validation. That makes a huge difference.

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    1. How interesting, Deb. I love the solution that you all came together to find – and that you listened to something being wrong. So good! Thank you for the encouragement!

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  7. Hard enough for me to pinpoint the reasons why I feel the way I do at times, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be when you’re only four and don’t have the words to explain it. It sounds like you’re on the way to “cracking the case” and I wish you all the luck you need in doing so!

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  8. Watery eyes reading this part, “Mr. D from the back seat said, “Cooper is sad.” I asked why and he said, “Cooper is sad because he misses us.”” How hard it was for us when our little one went to his first day in school.

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    1. Oh, oh, oh, I feel this, Edward. Miss O started Kindergarten online in the pandemic so it wasn’t so dramatic. But I suspect when I hit the first day of elementary for Mr. D that I’m going to feel it through and through.

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  11. Story work is so important for all of us. I love how you approached Mr. D day, as the killer of any good conversation before it even gets started is the dread closed -end question “How was your day?”.

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  12. I’m sorry about Mr. D’s reluctance with pre-school. Wynne, you’re doing creative sleuthing to see if you learn more about the situation. Also: the bread in the bag with soda water dyed green sounds kinda neat 🙂

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  13. Well I do hope, for Cooper’s sake, he gets to be less sad. The poor dear… or are we talking about Mr. D? He’ll get through pre-school soon enough and it’ll all be a vague memory.

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    1. Ha, ha, ha, Ally. Exactly. I’m not sure on most days who we’re talking about. And I mix up their names anyway. You’re right about the long-view on this. Thank you for that perspective!

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  15. I love how attuned you are to your kids, Wynne. I’m sorry that Mr D is having harder moments with preschool but I love that you are probing deeper into the root causes. I have no doubt you will find it together in no time and help him get back to loving it again. 🙏

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  19. This says it all, “Cooper is sad because he misses us,” and Mr. D is sad because he misses you. What an insightful kid. He noticed someone was sad on the playground and understood that presense was the answer. Wow. We need more people like Mr. D in the playground of the world. Hugs, C

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