The Power of Story

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“Quiet the mind and the soul will speak.” – Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati

This is a piece was published previously on 10/19/2022. Heads up, you may have already read this.

Among the many stories my ex-husband told me of his precarious childhood, there is one that sticks out. He was five or six years old, living in Florida and his mom was dating the Hat Man, a man who wove and sold palm frond hats to tourists by the side of the road.

One night after he went to bed, my ex-husband woke up and smelled smoke. He tried to get out of his bedroom but his mom had locked him in from the outside. Finally he escaped out of a window to discover that his mom and the Hat Man had fallen asleep while smoking and drinking too much and set the house on fire.

Now that I’m a parent, I often think of my ex-husband’s story even though we divorced years before I ever had kids. The story of the precocious and energetic young boy who was probably a little bit of a pain in the ass locked into a room so his mom could drink in peace and set the house on fire.

I think of it when I need more patience to coax cooperation instead of compel it. I think of the story when I need extra capacity to provide good care to little ones when I am needing care myself. I think of it when I’m digging deep to do my best when my kids seem to be bringing their worst. I think of the story when I’m grateful that my parents modeled kind and consistent care with me as I was growing up.

When we tell our stories, or when we as writers tell other people’s stories, we often can’t see the effect they have on those who read them. Our narratives have the power to inspire others and become fuel for good and bad decisions. When we do a good job of humanizing the trauma that comes with life, we pass on the comfort of being seen and open the source for healing. We can lay the ground for growth by telling the stories of when life wasn’t so good.

I thought of my ex-husband’s story again the other day when I heard a Ten Percent Happier podcast with therapist Dr. Jacob Ham. He was talking about relational trauma, the small moments of neglect, abuse and fear some children experience from a very early age.

Dr. Ham described this trauma, “What’s really screwed up is as a baby that the only way to deal with fear and terror is to run toward your caregivers. They are supposed to protect you. You scream out hoping that they’ll come to your rescue but if they are the ones hurting you, then it puts you in a terrifying loop where you want to run from them but at the same time your body tells you to go find them. And then you spend the rest of your days trying to figure out how to resolve that paradox.

“I have seen it [the paradox] be worked through. The key term that and I haven’t found a good layman’s term for is reawakening the capacity for mentalization. And mindfulness is a very close overlap to mentalization but the term means knowing that other person has a mind and that I have a mind and being curious about what’s happening in your mind as well as being curious about what’s happening in my mind.”

Which I interpret as that Dr. Ham works with his patients uses mindfulness to notice the deep stories in their minds and unpack their reactions that are fueled by them. In other words, the power of the story runs through this all – to tell where we’ve been, to inspire and inform others and to discover our internal paradoxes when we face ourselves.

No wonder being a writer is such a rich pursuit. Rich in power to change that is, because rich in monetary reward doesn’t necessarily follow. But it should – because it’s important work.

I’ve also published a post today on the Wise & Shine blog today with my favorite quotes about writing: My Favorite Writer Quotes

(featured photo from Pexels)

40 thoughts on “The Power of Story”

  1. Pingback: My Favorite Writer Quotes - Wise & Shine

  5. Trauma leads to growth but that awareness and wisdom don’t come to everyone. And ,again reaching to that point is a process too ,and we all are on our path knowingly or unknowingly. But,when you live mindfully ( in Hindi ( I’m from India ) we call it “Hosh “) that wisdom do come and helps the process . I am 52 and had lot of childhood traumas one after the other..losing loved ones to death ,illness and all kind of insecurities . I always feel that all my sufferings and pains made me the person who I am and I love most of me 😀. On the other hand I also feel I’m not healed completely from those and that realization came few years ago . So I’m on that path of healing to live more freely and joyfully.

    Thank you for your heart connecting stories it inspired me to share mine ❤️❤️

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love that you taught me “Hosh” in Hindi and your note that you love most of you. I think we are all walking each other home on this journey called healing and I’m grateful you shared this comment. Sending my best! ❤

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  6. “We can lay the ground for growth by telling the stories of when life wasn’t so good.” Isn’t that the truth. I cannot believe the story of your ex. What trauma he went through. I’m sure that carried throughout his life — and not in a good way.

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  7. I had not read this piece prior to today and it is amazing. Thank you for sharing it again Wynne.

    It makes me think of so many stories that never find an opportunity to be told as well as all the reasons why. Life is so complicated…

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    1. Thanks for reading and the comment, Deb. I love you observation that so many stories never find an opportunity to be told. Like that story of my ex-husband was just one of many. You’re right, life is complicated…

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  8. “When we do a good job of humanizing the trauma that comes with life, we pass on the comfort of being seen and open the source for healing. We can lay the ground for growth by telling the stories of when life wasn’t so good.”

    This says so much! Definitely words I strive to live by in my writing, to be able to help others!

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  9. What I love about your blog posts, Wynne, is that there is often something I can take away with me. The paradox of running towards and running away from abusive parents is one I hadn’t heard of but explains much. I could never quite define it, and there it is laid out so simply in your words. Thank you

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    1. Wow, VJ, that is one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. Thank you. In this case, I was taken by the same image as described by Dr. Ham – it explains so much about that trauma, doesn’t it?

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  10. I remember this post and what a visceral story and experience your husband went through as a child. Trauma is a word I’m learning so much about since becoming a parent and it is heavy and often makes me pause and fall into deep reflection and often self doubt too about how I approach things. Being able to read about other people’s stories certainly helps a lot with the process – in knowing there’s a wider community of support out there.

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    1. You’re right, Ab. Trauma is a heavy word – but I love the hope that you bring with this comment around the wider community of support. Yes – isn’t that the good side of the coin. I think that Dr. Ham was the interview where I heard why he uses The Hulk to describe the super power of anger. It reminded me of a post you’d done a while back.

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  11. I love this. The power of story can move us to action or bring healing. The story you told about your ex reminded me of the day my son recounted what I thought was an ordinary night of putting him to bed (when he was a toddler and I was exhausted as usual). Apparently, the one-piece fleece suit I had him in was much too warm and he could neither unzip it nor open his bedroom door (with the baby-proof cover on the knob) to come and get me. He finally fell asleep, roasting hot. I hadn’t realized what a warm kid he was at the time and felt so bad when he told me years later.

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    1. Oh, goodness – I know exactly what you mean about that bad feeling when discovering parenting mistakes. It’s such a hard one – especially when we can’t interpret our pre-verbal kids’ signal. I hope you’ve given yourself some grace on that!

      And I know you know much about the power of story and healing! Thanks for the comment.

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  12. Oh I love how you break down the power of story. We don’t always think of it so concretely, but you’re so right. Our stories have the power to inspire others and “fuel” good and bad decisions. Our writing can help others through tough moments. Love how you phrased it.

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  15. I’ve always been grateful for my parents and their calm and loving presence in my life. It’s so shocking when parents fail their kids, create all sorts of trauma from their own selfish behaviors, and then the kid has to live with that the rest of their lives. When young children experience trauma I don’t know if they ever overcome it but maybe learn to live side by side with it and not allow it to continue influencing your behavior. There’s so much to ponder here. Hugs, C

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    1. Wow – what an astute comment about kids learning to live side by side with it, Cheryl. Right! And P.S. we found out tonight that Miss O got the teacher she was neutral about and we spent some time with her and decided it’s going to be a great year!

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  16. Dr. Ham’s description of running both toward and away from the source of trauma is powerful. However would a little person deal with, understand or recover from such a conundrum? It certainly is something to think long and hard about.

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  17. Gosh, your ex’s story. Imagine if he couldn’t have gotten out the window… Ugh. I’m so sorry for his awful childhood. And Dr. Ham’s story… I don’t handle the thought of children being abused well. 😦

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