The Gift of Hard Things

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“Experience is the hardest kind of teacher; it gives you the test first and the lesson afterward.” – Oscar Wilde

Summer is winding down in the Northern Hemisphere. I can feel all the tell-tale signs, the nights that are chilly before we go to bed, and have that cool calm when I get up at 5:30am. The relenting brightness of the sun starts to give away to the softer light of fall. And, we are getting ready for the start back to school.

Last week, my eight-year-old daughter was giving me the breakdown of the third grade teachers that she might get for this next year in school. One yells a lot, one is neutral, and one is nice. As she was talking about who she hopes to get for this year to come, I felt an upwelling of tension surge through my spine. Putting my finger to it, I’d say it’s because of that protective desire for her to get the nice teacher.

But that’s at odds with what I know about life. My lived experience tells me that everything doesn’t always work out the way we want, that sometimes we have to wade through the year(s) of muck to get to the side of clarity, and that sometimes we get the crusty teacher.

For all the resilience I’ve learned about life, I find that my children challenge my worldview. That is to say, my desire to give them a life that was better than my own sets up a tension with the reality of how life unfolds. There is about zero chance that I can root for my daughter to get the mean teacher even though she may learn a lot more about uncovering the gem in the rough if she does.

It reminds me of a letter my dad, who was a Presbyterian pastor, gave me when I was going through my divorce about 12 years ago. It was tucked in the page of a book he was giving me: Know Doubt by John Ortberg. The letter said in part.

I have seen so many people in my ministry going through times of deep change in their lives and it seems that those are also times of deep thought and reflection that have been creative and good for them. You are in the middle of a lot of change these days. There must be some serious disappointment that your marriage has not worked out as you had dreamed and intended. Your life has been the story of one big success after another and you don’t have many things in your life that don’t work out well and so this time must be unsettling. So just maybe this time of change is also a time when you are questioning and thinking about big stuff like faith and doubt and your life-view. If so, I really think this little book might be a good read for you.

Dick Leon

He acknowledges the unsettling nature of life – but that unsettling times of life also lead to creativity and good. Did my dad wish for me to have hard times? Absolutely not. But did he think that goodness was going to come out of it? Definitely.

I wonder if my tension about not wanting my kids, or any of my loved ones, to go through hard times comes across. Maybe as anxiety? It’s way harder to watch others face uncertainty than to go through it myself.

In another sign that summer is coming to an end, my daughter just celebrated her birthday. At the end of the day, she pulled me in tight and whispered in my ear that she didn’t want the day and her birthday to end.  I thought “Ah yes, my dear, but finding the magic in all the other days of the year when we aren’t front and center creates the sweet spot of life.” The lessons are harder to find on the days we get everything we want.

I find I can reduce my anxiety about the hard days my kids will have by remembering, as my dad did, that creativity and deep understanding comes on those days, not on birthdays.

Check out my Heart of the Matter post today for a lesson I’m learning about taking a new job in my 50’s: Going with My Gut

(featured photo from Pexels)

65 thoughts on “The Gift of Hard Things”

  1. Pingback: Going With My Gut – The Heart of the Matter

  2. The letter from your dad strikes me as a complicated treasure, now in another complicated moment. Thank you for sharing this tender time in the lives of those you love, Wynne.

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  3. I adore this letter from your dad and the richness of it…keeping him close by reading it, cherishing it…and sharing it with us. And your thought prompted by Miss O and her beautiful birthday: “The lessons are harder to find on the days we get everything we want.” The bumps make the shiny parts sparkle even more, don’t they? xo, Wynne! 💕

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  4. Oh what a treasure that letter is, Wynne! And what a lovely man! My parents didn’t have many words of wisdom for me when I went through my own divorce but oh, they were quietly there for me and they wept with me. Years later, Mom told me it was the hardest thing she ever went through. That floored me, because by that time, I knew she’d been through a lot. Whatever teacher your daughter gets, I know you will be there for her, as well, quietly guiding her as she navigates life’s inevitable ups and downs. You are such a great Mom… your kids are blessed…🙏💕

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    1. Oh, Patti – I love that your parents stood by during your divorce. I’m not sure words help much, but hugs are incomparable, right? Thank you for this lovely comment – so good to see you again!! ❤

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  5. Thanks for this post, Wynne. I needed it today and on this Monday morning.

    I think we can learn so much from the challenging periods in our lives and we rarely ever emerge from these stormy moments the same way that we were when we entered in.

    I hope Miss O gets a teacher who is kind and fair but that will also challenge her to grow.

    It’s hard to believe summer is ending in a week. Enjoy every last drop of it and best wishes to all our kids with back to school next week!

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    1. Oh, I really like, “we rarely ever emerge from these stormy moments the same way that we were when we entered in.” Yes!

      And the way you reframed the goal for the teacher – brilliant! Hope you all enjoy this last week of summer too!

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  6. So much goodness here, Wynne! I think we all hope for the easy path, but in retrospect it’s often the challenging ones we look back on with the most fondness, perhaps they prompt unexpected growth or a new way of thinking. It’s truly beautiful that your father recognized that and gently nudged you in the direction of discovering the same for yourself. Finally, a big happy birthday to Miss O!

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  7. I feel like I’m stealing from everyone else’s comments, but I love your father’s letter and your wise post. Beautifully written Wynne. I understand wanting things to be easier for your kids. I’ve felt that often in my life. I love this line. “I find I can reduce my anxiety about the hard days my kids will have by remembering, as my dad did, that creativity and deep understanding comes on those days, not on birthdays.” It reminded me of how I got the mean teacher one year in elementary school. I was not happy, until I realized half way through the school year that yes, he required respect and discipline, but he somehow became my favorite, because he cared immensely about his students and made everyone feel special. Good luck to you kids and you this school year!

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  8. Amen Wynne! Life has shown me there’s an uncomfortable, yet undeniable truth in the trite saying, “No trial, no triumph”. The triumph lies in learning from the trial.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Your post has so much good stuff! Like the letter from your dad and your desire to protect your daughter from the mean teacher. Now that my kids are grown, I know that I stepped in too many times to make my kids lives perfect. I shielded them from pain they experienced in college and as young adults when the stakes were much higher. They missed valuable lessons due to my interference.

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  12. The desire to protect nevers goes away, but that wisdom I mentioned over at your HoTM post is usually quicker to jump to the forefront, tamping down the need to fix, help, instruct, or take away the learning potential for others. Like us, everyone has to do the work for themselves and we can offer guidance- much like your dad did, but I suspect he knew given what his note said, that you had to find your way down the path. Doing that has brought you to the place you are today as a mom and person. When you have the opportunity to sit back, watch and listen as your kids pull out their own wisdom from life lessons then I can bet there will be a small smile- or as in my case often a huge grin- covering your face. An outward reflection of the pride in knowing your kids got what they needed from the hard lessons… 🙂 Now as adults mine all know that when *that face* shows up I am cherishing all the work they have done… and maybe…sometimes silently thinking to myself “I told you so”!

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    1. I have such a huge smile on my face now just thinking about how fun that knowing smile will be. Yes, we all have to find our own way down the path. Hard to watch sometimes but your comment helps me know the reward ahead. Thank you, Deb!

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  14. Heartfelt post, Wynne.
    Love your father’s advice:
    “I have seen so many people in my ministry going through times of deep change in their lives and it seems that those are also times of deep thought and reflection that have been creative and good for them. You are in the middle of a lot of change these days.”
    On a lighter note. I taught third grade for quite a few years. I was strict about my students following directions and classroom rules. But also very generous with the rewards of their choice when they did. So when one of my students gave me a card,’ Ms. U you are mean but you are our queen,” I wasn’t surprised. When I asked the students whether I was mean, they replied in unison, “On no, no. But we couldn’t find a word for disciplinarian that rhymed with Queen!

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    1. That’s a wonderful story about your third grade class! You must have been such a wonderful teacher – love this perspective from the other side of the classroom! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  15. So much wonderful in this post. Your father’s note and this – “Ah yes, my dear, but finding the magic in all the other days of the year when we aren’t front, and center creates the sweet spot of life.” The lessons are harder to find on the days we get everything we want.” Enjoy your week!

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  16. Thank you! I have heard variations of that quote by Oscar Wilde but have never been able to trace the source. Now I know!

    I agree wholeheartedly that the difficult times make for the best lessons. Every time I think about my experience as a cancer patient, that message is driven home. I learned more valuable life lessons in that year of my life than in all my other 58 years!

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    1. What an interesting perspective from you about the year you had cancer. Such a tough way to learn lessons but knowing you, I’m sure you learned through every part. Hope you have a great week!

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  17. What a beautiful letter from your father. And what a gift to recognize that hard times are an opportunity to stretch and grow. As you mentioned your daughter’s potential teacher, it made me think back to one of the best years my very anxious and learning-disabled son had in elementary school with a teacher I frankly didn’t like much. She’d been a special education teacher who ended up teaching fifth grade. I don’t think she cared very much for parents, but she got my son – and he felt it. My kiddo didn’t have many good years in school, but that was one. I hope your daughter has a great year.

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  22. Your father’s letter to you is a treasure, then and now and in the future. I know he’s right that reducing anxiety is difficult but with “creativity and deep understanding” you’ll be resilient. I do like that phrase, seems like a way to stay on course as you go through life. Thanks for sharing it here.

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    1. Thank you, dear Julia. I often am irritated that it takes not getting everything I want to find that out…but at least grudgingly appreciative. Thank you for making it all sweeter!! 🙂 ❤ ❤

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  24. I wonder what makes the teacher “mean”. I once sat in a classroom and observed the “mean” teacher. Turns out they were quite nice but didn’t tolerate children speaking over them or others, getting up and going to the bathroom without permission, and not allowing them to choose their work buddies. Over time we both helped children understand respect, safety, and the joys of creating new relationships…

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    1. Such a good question. I think from what I’ve observed there is a difference between strict, which is not mean, and exhausted, which is more just tired of dealing with kids. And while my daughter might not be able to verbalize that, it’s amazing how clued in kids are and they know the difference. But, I think there are many things to learn from both. Right?

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      1. Yes, children are often very clued into their environment, and the environment itself. I genuinely believe teachers should be graded like students. This might just help weed out the bad ones who are burnt out and exhausted.

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  26. “Creativity and deep understanding,”comes on the hard days not the birthdays! Amen. Such a wise summary. Your dad was an amazing human being, such a kind and gentle note, and he includes a book that might help you work through all the doubt that a loss can create. Of course I want to know what you thought of the book? And by the way, elementary school is hard enough, I’m pulling for the nice teacher! Hugs, C

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    1. You are so right about my dad – thanks for seeing him, Cheryl! I thought the book was fine – but not as good as my dad’s letter. And I conflated my two replies to you and mistakenly told you in my other reply that we found out tonight that Miss O got the teacher she felt neutral about – and we spent some time with her and think she’s going to be great!

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