“Know all the theories. Master all the techniques. But as you touch a human soul be just another human soul.” – Carl Jung
“Guess what?” Miss O says to me and when I reply, she says, “I love you.” It’s a little call and response that I started with her when she was about 4 years-old. But I stopped doing it. She asked me why the other day and I don’t know. Was it because Mr D got older and I didn’t want to leave him out? Or was it because she started to know what I was going to say every time?
These little bids for connection matter according to Drs John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute. They are our ways of turning towards our loved ones and even though the Gottmans primarily focus on partner love relationships, I think it applies to children as well.
On a recent Unlocking Us podcast with Brené Brown, they were talking about their latest book, The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection and Joy, and what caught my attention was how grounded in research their advice is. Not surprisingly since these are the psychologists and researchers who proved their ability to tell if relationships would last and be happy from just 15 minutes of observation with a 90% degree of accuracy.
They made the distinction between turning toward a bid of attention (responding or engaging when your partner says something like “look at that blue jay out the window”), turning away (ignoring) and turning against (responding with something like “why are you interrupting me?”).
In happy relationships, people turn toward their partner’s bids for attention 86% of the time, couples who were not successful only turn toward each other 33% of the time. John Gottman explained the result, “Couples who increase their turning toward wind up having more of a sense of humor about themselves when they are disagreeing with one another, when they are in conflict.”
As Brené Brown summarized “Turning toward gives us a sense of confidence about our togetherness.”
“Love is a practice. It’s more than a feeling. It’s an action. It’s something you do and not something that just happens to you and you need to give and get a daily dose to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship.”
The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection and Joy by John Gottman and Julie Gottman
The funny thing about when Miss O does the call and response with me lately is that she gets me almost every time. She says “Guess what?” and my busy head doesn’t anticipate the next part. It’s the surprise that breaks through the momentum of the day.
I can’t remember why I stopped this particular ritual but now that I’ve been reminded, I am delighted to start doing it again. Because what relationship doesn’t need to be grounded in connection and fun?
Surprised By Joy 
Guess what? This is a perfect post. I like the idea of turning toward those we love or like– or even tolerate! There’s something positive to be gained from doing so.
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Oh my goodness – you got me, Ally. On my own post and just minutes after I wrote it! Funny!
You’re right – there’s something to be gained – even with people we just tolerate. Thanks for turning toward me with this comment!
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What a great reminder that our relationships grow and evolve. It’s great to remember little call backs that make our relationships special. When my daughter was little, I used to call her Princess before her name. We grew out of it, but I hugged her recently and called her by her old name. It was neat to see her face light up. Some things never change. Thanks for sharing Wynne.
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Oh, how sweet! How wonderful that you invoked all those memories and closeness with just one word. Love this, Brian!
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That is a lovely ritual – agree, connection is truly a series of actions where everyone leans in.
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Everyone leans in – what a great way to put it!
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What a lovely way to teach us a tool to have better relationships! Love this!
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That’s what I thought too, Tamara. And it’s not a huge time commitment or massive change – just a turning towards.
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Makes so much sense! Just requires us to focus on the other person!
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Love this, Wynne. It’s something I’m working on with my hubby. I get wayyy too caught up in my own head. 😆 Thank you for another reminder, along with the heartwarming part from Miss O, and science to back up why it’s so important!!
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Funny that you say that because John Gottman said that he does something very similar. Julie will say something and then he doesn’t respond because he’s thinking or because it doesn’t require a response. So even the good Dr’s are working on it! Happy Monday, Kendra!
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Oh, thank you for sharing that. It makes me feel better!! 🫶🏼
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It makes me feel better too!! 🙂 ❤
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You had me with the Jung quote…a favorite…just be a good soul with another good soul…and I love the Gottman’s “turning toward” research…also a fave. Thanks, Wynne…love it. 😉❤😉
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I’m feeling your soul to soul connection, Vicki!! Thank you!! ❤ ❤ ❤
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Aww…yep, ditto! 😘
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I feel Miss O’s smile. 🙂
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What a lovely comment, Susan. Yes!
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It’s never too late for Mr. D. to be included in the mix! Lovely post Wynne. Thank you!
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Excellent point, Julia! We’ll start surprising him too! 🙂 ❤ ❤
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How lovely that we can predict successful relationship outcomes based on attention given by a partner. Makes complete sense. Clever little Miss O to keep the connection going.
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You’re right – it does make sense. It seems so simple when someone comes along and says it like that, doesn’t it?
Thanks, Alegria!
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Wonderful advice! Thanks, Wynne.
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Thank you, Dr. Stein!
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Being connected and having fun I think it’s the secret for an healthy and long lasting relationship! Beautiful article Wynne!
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And having fun – yes!! Thanks, Cristiana!
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I think it’s important to think about the message we send with our actions regarding Leaning In per se. Remember the other person is watching. Do we stop right away what we are doing, or it difficult to turn away. If we are holding our phone. Do we hold it in our hand or do we put down or even better; away. I am amazed what a strong signal it sends if we put a device out of sight and instead focus on the person.
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I love this, David! You are so right – put it away and focus. Even when our eyes are just a little bit distracted, it’s obvious, isn’t it? Great comment – thank you!
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Still, to this day, whenever somebody says, “Guess what?” I can’t help but respond, “Chicken butt.”
Apparently, I have less emotional maturity than either of your kids, but I can live with that.
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OMG – I haven’t thought of that response in ages. I’m laughing!
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The little daily things add up and the cumulative sum ends up being the thing that matters the most.
A good lesson Wynne about making time to turn to our loved ones even if the moments seem inconsequential. Thanks for the reminder and glad you got the reminder yourself.
Enjoy your week!!!
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I love that you so aptly summarized this into a math equation. Perfectly said, Ab!
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I am so pleased Miss O refreshed this sweet connection again between the two of you! I can’t wait to hear that Mr. D has joined the two of you in this sweet endeavor!
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You are right on with this comment, Mary. It’ll be so fun when D joins in! ❤
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