Holding Space

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“True friends are those who lift you up when no one else has noticed you’ve fallen.” – unknown

The other night I was reading books with my two-year-old and he whispered in my ear, “You are the best girl.” It was such a sweet and tender moment that gave me the shiver of recognition of what happens when we hold space for one another.

In the Disney Cars movie, Lightning McQueen starts out as the hot shot rookie that only cares about himself until he discovers the feeling of community and values in Radiator Springs and then finally emerges as the worthwhile competitor that knows that there is more to life than winning.

It’s actually in the third installment, Cars 3, that they use the line that Doc Hudson, Lightning’s gruff mentor (voiced by Paul Newman), “Saw something in you that you couldn’t see in yourself.” It’s a wonderful statement about hope and potential.

When we hold space for others, we store the image of their highest, purest selves so that when they are in the messy middle of anything, we can reflect it back to them. This reminds me of friend who became disoriented and demoralized while trying to reach a goal and we sat on a bench overlooking Puget Sound and unraveled why it was she started.

When we hold space for others, we capture the essence of who they are they are in the squishy, vulnerable core underneath any job or external validation so that if they get lost in work or a relationship, we can huddle with them and tell them we still see them.

This brings to me the moment when my friend Doug called to ask if I would climb Mt. Adams with him and his son this summer. He knows I am knee deep in raising these two kids, have been distracted by all that entails and I’ve not been a very present friend, but his offer stirred me deep within and I was so grateful he remembered me.

When we hold space for others as they age, we become the safety line back to the boat of their life, even when they don’t remember themselves. When my great-aunt Wilma was suffering from Alzheimers and nearing the end of her life, her son arrived on his weekly visit to talk with her and bring her favorite treats. She sweetly said to him, “You are so nice. You remind me so much of my beloved son Gary.”

When my son uttered, “You are the best girl.” he was just parroting back what he’s heard said. But he also reminded me that there’s a purity in the simple way he sees me that has everything to do with our relationship and nothing to do with what I accomplish. It made me think that relationships, parenting and families, when they are functional, can be repositories for our essential selves. We hold space for each other for the moments we need to come “home” and recharge.

What does the phrase holding space mean to you? Do you have a good holding space story?

33 thoughts on “Holding Space”

  1. A woman I was close friends with when we lived in Florida (18 years ago) calls me or I call her a couple times a year. The years fall away and we are suddenly back in Florida and we find ourselves in a 2 or 3 hour conversation. She now lives in Tennessee and I live in Virginia, but she still holds a place in my heart.

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    1. What a wonderful comment, Ashley! I do love that picture. From what I remember of that moment, he was whispering a pretend secret, you know the gibberish call-i-ma-chuchi kind. But now I’m replacing that with “you’re the best girl!” 🙂

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    2. Agreed! It’s a precious photo. To me it’s the two sided “Friends are the family you choose.” In this case, it works both ways. You have an amazing family, and it’s a credit to you.

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      1. EW, what a sweet comment! I was just listening to a podcast with the therapist Esther Perel and she was talking about friendships being the relationships we have most choice in our lives – from an early age. Yes, its an honor to hold space for friends and family, whichever side of the coin we’re on!

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  6. Lovely, Wynne! Your essay invites us to embrace the human world, much in need of being remembered and considered in a difficult moment for them and us. Thank you!

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    1. What a wonderful comment, Dr. Stein. You have given me the gift of being such a thoughtful reader and it circles back to make the whole experience richer!

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  8. Your son’s comment is so sweet and so true, Wynne. How wonderful to have the space and time you provide for him be reflected back to you with such love and appreciation.

    Cars 3 was T’s favourite movie for the longest time. Literally watched it every day and he’d run around in circles in our family room during the opening scene race. A great movie about how true friends stick around you when you fall!

    Holding space to me is about intentionally creating space and time either for yourself or for others. It is a sacred and special time free of judgment, assumptions and expectations. And the rewards are so worth it – as you recently saw with your son!

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    1. Love that you all watched Cars 3 every day – it sounds a lot like my house! Have you watched the little shorts like Monster Truck Mater?

      I love that how you define holding space. Creating time – without judgment, assumptions, and expectations. That is sacred (and rare) indeed but not surprise given the thoughtful way you move through the world. Love it!

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  10. A heartwarming post, Wynne!
    Love the photo!
    The expression on your face is priceless.
    Beautifully penned, “When we hold space for others, we store the image of their highest, purest selves so that when they are in the messy middle of anything, we can reflect it back to them.”

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  11. I was fortunate enough to hold space for my dad for 5 years after his strokes left him partially paralyzed and cognition affected greatly. I would sit with him and play little games like show me how strong you are and let him squeeze my hand. This was a type of rehab I didn’t realize but it brought him back to a lucid mindset after a year which then he started communicating more with me. I will always cherish this precious time with him when I held space for him before he passed away last year 🙏❤️☺️ Beautiful stories to ever remember. Thank you for sharing yours!

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      1. The most beautiful part of your post is that you have recorded it forever in your blog 🥰 I had priceless moments too but wasn’t blogging back then so those moments have gotten fuzzy through the years. You will always be able to look back at this essay and photo and remember it vividly. Precious blessings!

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