Looking for Evidence

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“Remember it is who you are that heals not what you know.” – Carl Jung

Yesterday I came across some notes I jotted on my phone of books that my brother recommended the last time we were together.

I adore my brother. He’s 6-years-older than I am and has been the sibling that I’ve looked up to since I learned how to look up. I’ve lived near him my entire adult life, I was very close with his daughters when they were growing up and now he’s very close with my kids. There was even a time 20 years ago when I worked for my brother at his company.

So I think it’s safe to say we have a natural affinity for one-another – we have lovely conversations, enjoy our time together and have stuck together through the ups-and-downs of life.

But I can’t name a single book that I recommended to my brother that he has read. And he reads all the time so it isn’t because he doesn’t like to read. Same goes for podcasts, tv shows (back when I watched tv) and spiritual practices like meditation.

It’s taken me a lot of growing up to be able to say with certainty that it isn’t because I’m his younger sister. I know he thinks I’m smart and he respects me.

I’m sure I’m not the only person who has looked for evidence that they matter in the lives of the people close to them. I’m thinking of a comment I once heard a husband tell me that his wife had to vote exactly the same way on a ballot which surprised me for an independent couple.

When my brother eulogized my dad he described my dad’s ability to “meet you where you were at without leaving where he was at.” Coming back to that helps me remember that hearts are the center of friendships, not heads. The work of love is to meet each other so we all know we aren’t walking alone. Instead of looking for the ways I’ve influenced my brother, perhaps I should just count all the miles we’ve walked together.

 I ended up not checking out any of the books on the list from my brother. Not because he doesn’t read mine, but because I like it when he tells me the stories of what he’s read and where’s he been. It gives us something to talk about when our hearts meet.

Do the people in your lives read the books or content that you recommend? Does it matter?

60 thoughts on “Looking for Evidence”

  1. What you like to read is a matter of personal taste. My mother is a retired English professor and my wife writes. They both like to read, but are definitely drawn to different authors. I prefer to read history, both my mother and wife read fiction, but prefer different authors. No big deal. No two people are identical, and it would be a boring world if they were.

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  2. Thank you, Wynne, for sharing such incredibly thought-provoking (and heart stirring) posts. Please know that you’re appreciated.

    As for what you’ve shared, yes, I can definitely relate–more so a few years ago; but “Art” can still attempt to show up (with his needs). Who of us doesn’t like to be appreciated? When I was married, I really wanted my wife to be interested in my writing, to want to part of it. Of siblings and friends, I used to also seek approval. At a certain point, I finally realized that I didn’t need their approval, and that felt so freeing. I now know that my writing will automatically readers who are seeking it, perhaps unconsciously.

    Every time that a fall back into the little “i” perspective occurs, I’m actually grateful now. It points me (not saying everyone) to an inner need, which needs to be transcended.

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  3. The only time I recall recommending a book to a family member was when I gave my mom my copy of A Tale of Two Cities. She didn’t read it, but she also didn’t give it back to me. Then again, my mom and dad have both recommended plenty of books to me that I didn’t read because we have very different tastes.

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  4. Beautiful picture. No, people tend not to read the books I recommend. But then, if I tell someone “The Denial of Death” won a Pulitzer Prize, I probably shouldn’t be surprised!

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      1. Wow! I can only say, Rosaliene, that I have recommended it to some of the other very smart folks I know, too. As you might recall, I read it after two people, within space of two weeks or so, casually stated that this was the greatest book they’d ever read. Almost everyone else stays away from it like the plague. Those who actually got through it believed it was also a great book. I’m not so arrogant as to say you are my student, more like the other way around, but I now have one more reason to sing your praises! Thank you!

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      2. Wow you two – with that recommendation for a book I went straight to the library website to put a hold on it. Dr. Stein, you might be delighted to know that both copies of Denial of Death are checked out of my local library but I look forward to reading it when it comes available!

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  5. My husband and I, together since 1965, are both avid readers and could probably claim to have read no more than 10 of the same books in all those years. Not to worry!

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  6. I’m happy for you that you snd your brother are close. As for the books, we do not need to think alike to love one another. But, our different tastes, treated with respect, is another way we show our love.

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  7. What a wonderful story! I’ve found that the things which resonate within me aren’t necessarily what is going to speak to others! Each of our paths is so different! I like having discussions with people about their thoughts because I get to see how they’ve internalized and processed the information they read!

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    1. You are so right – each of our paths is so different. And I totally relate to what you say about having discussions with people about their thoughts – always so fascinating to get a different take! Thanks for the lovely comment, as always!

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  8. More than once, Tara will start talking about a book she’s reading, only to learn that I read it not long ago myself! I think we’re on the same page (pun intended) naturally, though we do occasionally recommend books to one another.

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  9. our dad’s ability to “…meet you where you were at without leaving where he was at…” is an admirable trait I continually need to remind myself of. Thanks Wynne.

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  10. Beautiful photo of you and your brother. Your lifelong friendship and closeness is a blessing to be treasured. I give books to family and friends who like to read, based on their preference.

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  11. I’ve suggested books to various people/family and then I suppose I let it go. The opposite is true. What is more important I think is the way in which you relate in person with each other. If that works well I’m not worried about the rest.

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  12. I longed to have an older brother, but that was not meant to be. I recommend books or tv shows without any expectation that someone will read or watch them. I’m just sharing what I like to be friendly, so I don’t think it matters if my recommendations are ignored.

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    1. Yes, older brothers are great. Hope you have an honorary one out there! I think you are right that it’s good to recommend and then let it go! Now I’m singing a Disney song in my head. 🙂

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  13. I enjoyed reading this post, Wynne, and reflecting on how others reflect back to me the significance of our relationship. I was having a pretty hard morning (my husband is really sick again) and mentioned to my dad, in email, that we were going through a hard time. A few hours later, my dad texted me to say he was stopping by to pick up a tool. I suspect he manufactured this excuse to come by so that he could give me a hug… and it was a GREAT dad hug. Made me cry. Anyhow, that’s what your post had me reflecting on. I love that you and your brother are so close…such a beautiful connection ❤

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    1. Oh, wow, Grace, you have given me shivers thinking of that beautiful Dad hug moment! I’m so sorry that your husband is really sick again. I’m so glad that you have people to give you comfort and I send mine through this comment.

      And I love how you pulled the thread of how people show the significance of the relationship. Yes – that was what I was getting at without even knowing it so thank you for getting what I meant and clarifying it for me.

      Sending you a huge hug!

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  14. Oh, and I have a friend/mentor who recommends books to me. It has really pushed me to read outside my preferred genres. I read a graphic novel for the first time (if you haven’t seen one, it is sort of like a really big comic book), and right now I am reading A Memory Called Empire (which is science fiction). It feels great to step outside my reading “comfort zone”.

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    1. I love this – stepping outside the comfort zone. I know you love books as much or more than I do so it’s nice when people recommend things that keep us thinking!

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      2. My daughter has some graphic novels that we’ve read together — and you’ve put it perfectly that it’s a different reading muscle. So good for us!

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  15. I grew up with a Father who also could meet most people where they were at without bending from who he was. He decided who he was going to be and to always be the same person to everyone no matter what. Kind of odd as that side of our clan struggles there. So 7 of us siblings were raised knowing “it takes a lot of personal character to treat others with dignity” (one of dad’s quotes).

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    1. Wow, Gary, I love that quote. It is packed with such truth! My family struggles with doing the same. I wonder if my dad made it look too easy so we’ve all had to figure out our own way to get there (or not).

      But what a blessing it is to have fathers like that! Thanks for a great comment, Gary!

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  16. How awesome to have such a great relationship with your brother. I often give book recommendations to friends and family; I think it frustrates me most when my adult children fail to read any of the ones I suggest. Though both my kids and I will often watch the shows we recommend to each other, so there’s that!

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    1. What an interesting angle you’ve pointed out – that it matters who we are recommending the books for. You’re right – I don’t even think about it much with anyone else although I’ve clearly noticed it about my brother. Hmmm. Love that it works for you family with tv shows! Thanks for adding this to the conversation, Rhonda!

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  18. That is a very healthy perspective! My very close group of friends and I often have conversations about how we’ve managed to stay friends for nearly 30 years despite having very different interests. And your comment about meeting through the heart rather than mind is very true. We have similar values and walk in similar paths despite having different tastes in shoes – so to speak. Thanks for the lovely reflection!

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    1. A different taste in shoes – what a brilliant analogy, Ab! And I like what you say about values, I think you are right that is key to those long relationships and keeping our hearts inline! Thank you for such an interesting and thought-provoking comment, as always!

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    1. Wise and beautiful words, Indeed. They struck me as well. As did the intriguing question. And like many good questions, I think the answer is “it depends.”

      It would, like one of the responses said, would be boring if we all echoed each other’s thoughts, and I have a good friend who I have wonderful conversations with, and yet our taste in books, and in tv shows has some overlap but many mutual exclusions. One of my favorite books that I raved about, she gave her husband to read 😀 But if we had no overlap, if we didn’t share SOME common interests, how could we maintain the friendship? What would its basis be?

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      1. @Endless Weekend, you are making me think, as always. And I love it! I’m gathering the thread from other responses that maybe the difference is in the types of friendships we have. Ones that have a common context like a hobby might not need an overlap in thinking. And for the deep heart connections, maybe we have a shared outlook or such loyalty that as long as we listen, we can understand each other?

        I love the story about your friend that gave the book to her husband. That’s hilarious! I hope he liked it and came to your next outing. 🙂

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  20. I always admired that same quality in my own dad that your dad had … “meeting people where they were at without leaving where he was at.” It’s not necessary to have the same views or opinions to have a heart connection with others. My husband and I often share the stories and insights of what we’ve read, with each other, but we rarely read the same books. Thanks for the wise and insightful post, Wynne.

    PS Love the photo of you and your brother

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    1. I love that you dad had that quality as well. How lucky I feel to have had that example and it sounds like you feel similarly.

      That’s so interesting about you and Bob, Nancy. It sounds like a wonderful way to get insight from twice as many books if you are reading different things. Thanks for adding this idea to the thread! Love your thoughts, as always!

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  21. It doesn’t matter at all. People will take what they want from a given suggestion, and what they take is right for them in that moment. Which is perfect.
    I love how you said, “The work of love is to meet each other so we all know we aren’t walking alone.” You captured it perfectly!

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    1. What a great point, Alegria. We never can anticipate what another needs at that moment, no matter how well we know them!
      I love that you picked a sentence that includes walking together – so perfect! ❤

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