Tag: wisdom

Projections

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“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” -Oprah Winfrey

My five-year-old daughter was sitting at the kitchen table doing her remote Kindergarten class the other day. To do the work, she needed the packet the school had sent home plus scissors and glue. I found the packet for her and then she couldn’t find her scissors and glue because she hadn’t put them back where they belong. She said to me, “You are making me have the worst day.”

Psychology Today defines the term projection as the “process of displacing one’s feeling onto a different person, animal or object.” We project our feelings onto someone or something else as a defense mechanism. Instead of owning our own BS, we can turn the issue into something else in an effort to protect our own egos.

I think of the time I found out about my husband’s infidelities. One of his friends, who was also my business partner, invited me out to lunch which was odd since we had never had a meal without my husband there too. When I arrived the sense of foreboding was amplified enormously because the friend had chosen a table in a closed section and also ordered me a beer. It was almost a relief when he started telling me of the infidelities because the build-up was so intense. But then I had to go home and tell my husband that I knew. He wasn’t home so I called my brother and four of my closest friends and then went out to dinner with my two best girlfriends. I finally saw my husband and asked, “Have you ever been unfaithful to me?” He answered “no” but seeing that I knew something, he then asked, “Who told you?” Then the next question he asked was, “Who else knows?”

The next months were a master class in projection. That is the perfect word for it. There is a source that is running the show but whenever you try to look for it, you are redirected to the pictures showing on the big screen. Any time the infidelities came up, he expressed his rage that his friend betrayed him (and yes, I saw the irony). Any time he got uncomfortable, he blamed me for revealing his secret. It made it so that we never could talk about the real problems. The message communicated was not that he was sorry, but just that he was sorry that I found out. By flipping the conversation to who I told, it made me the person who had been hurtful.

In a truly honest discourse, we would have been able to discuss not only the root issues but also my shortcomings as well. But if he was going to deflect, there was no way I was going to step forward either. I’m so grateful that marriage ended so I never wonder whether it could have been saved – but I do wonder if we could have cleaned and bandaged the wounds a lot faster had we not lingered in the defensive woods for so long. As it was, it took me many more years of my own work, reading, listening to others, and primarily having to sit with myself in meditation for me to finally own my part in the destruction. Projection might work as a defense but it does not work to heal and grow.

So I find it fascinating when I see the little examples of where my daughter projects. She moves past it and back to her happy place so quickly that it’s just a flash but when it’s calm, I try to guide her back to where it’s safe so we can remove our defenses and own our feelings and mistakes. It’s the only way we can take down the screen and really see what kind of day it is.

Eat, Play, Love: Part III

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“The one thing we can never get enough of is love. And the one thing we never give enough of is love.” – Henry Miller

Intro: I had a beloved golden retriever named Biscuit who in addition to being a goofy, energetic, enthusiastic and LOYAL friend was an old soul. In his older years I started taking his picture with signs. Although it’s my writing and initiative, these were somehow his words in a way I can’t explain. He’s been gone four years and in a tribute to him on his birthday, here’s a book we wrote. Eat, Play, Love.

Back to chapter 1: Eat

Back to chapter 2: Play

Chapter 3: Love

Eat, Play, Love: Part II

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“Creative people are curious, flexible, persistent, and independent with a tremendous spirit of adventure and a love of play.” – Henri Matisse

Intro: I had a beloved golden retriever named Biscuit who in addition to being a goofy, energetic, enthusiastic and LOYAL friend was an old soul. In his older years I started taking his picture with signs. Although it’s my writing and initiative, these were somehow his words in a way I can’t explain. He’s been gone four years and in a tribute to him on his birthday, here’s a book we wrote. Eat, Play, Love.

Back to chapter 1: Eat

Chapter 2: Play

Chapter 3 – Love

Eat, Play, Love: Part I

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“One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats.” – Iris Murdoch

Intro: I had a beloved golden retriever named Biscuit who in addition to being a goofy, energetic, enthusiastic and LOYAL friend was an old soul. In his older years I started taking his picture with signs. Although it’s my writing and initiative, these were somehow his words in a way I can’t explain. He’s been gone four years and in a tribute to him on his birthday, here’s a book we wrote. Eat, Play, Love.

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2: Eat

Enjoy This Time

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“Time has a wonderful way of showing us what matters.” – Margaret Peters

I recently ran into a neighbor whose kids are age 12 and 14 while out walking. As we chatted about the trials of pandemic parenting , the topic of the parenting advice that I’ve heard so often: “enjoy this time, it goes so fast” came up. She confessed that she had recently had said to her mom in tears, “Did I enjoy it enough?”

Of all the advice that I’ve been given throughout my parenting journey so far, that theme of enjoying kids while they are really young has been the most prevalent which makes me think its important. But it’s also the most puzzling because it’s often said so wistfully as if there is a little residual regret. Which makes me think it’s wisdom that’s hard to follow. That makes a lot of sense to me, because while I love being a parent, I’ve found difficult to enjoy this time of early childhood, if we are talking about the Oxford Dictionary definition of to luxuriate, revel or bask in.

At first it’s hard to enjoy because of the sleep deprivation that comes with an infant. And now that I’ve seemed to have gotten past that phase with both kids, I’d say it’s hard because it’s both incredibly busy and repetitive. There are big emotions that cannot yet be regulated and a lot of missed communication with little people just learning to talk. It’s a lot of work.

Of course, parenting is also incredibly rewarding. The amount of change to witness is stunning. These little people are growing and learning at a lightning speed. They want and need so much attention but it’s all absorbed and exhibited pretty quickly in their growth. Reading together, singing together, playing with the farm set out in the backyard, there is so much simple sweetness. The problems my kids have at age 1 ½ and 5 ½ are small and they are solvable.

Trying to understand this hard to follow wisdom, I think of my former hobby of mountain climbing. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed myself while on a mountain. It is a big and hard thing to take on. I’ve felt the same doubt with climbing that I think is being communicated with the parenting advice – did I take in enough of the experience while I was up there?

Here’s what I’ve realized. That climbing mountains and raising young kids have a lot in common. There is a lot of tough endurance involved.  It’s easier if you are in good health but it’s never easy. There are some moments where you are so tired that all the obstacles appear too great and you feel that you can’t keep going. And it all becomes worthwhile if about once an hour, you take a break and raise your head to look at the view.

My neighbor told me that her mom replied to her tearful query, “The fact that you’re crying shows that you did.” Which sounds so wise to me as well. We do our best as we go through it, enjoy it as much as we can and give ourselves some grace for the moments we didn’t.

Loving the Bad Cat

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“It never hurts to see the good in someone. They often act better because of it.” Nelson Mandela

I used to have this cat, Simon. He was a Siamese mix that I inherited from a neighbor when she went to study in Hawaii for two years. She moved back from Hawaii but never returned for the cat. I suspect it was because he was a bad boy. He’d break into other people’s houses, he’d fight with other cats, he’d get locked in places like neighbor’s garages that he should have never been in the first place. A classic Simon story was that I had a neighbor, Steve, who hated Simon because he was always getting into his stuff. Steve lived in a duplex and when someone new moved into the other apartment, he was showing them around the basement with the washer/dryer the two units shared. As he was saying to them, “The most important thing is that you can never leave this door open because there is a cat that likes to come in here.” The new people asked what he looked like and as Steve replied they interrupted, “Like that cat right there?” And right behind Steve’s shoulder was Simon sitting up on a shelf smugly looking at them all.

Simon was so smart with such a big attitude that he was very amusing. He’d walk with me and my dog for 12 blocks, always looking around like he was the secret service agent keeping us safe. He was a snuggler too. Whenever he bothered to come home, he’d climb right into my lap and collapse there. But when push came to shove around his bad behavior, I’d always distance myself from him, “Oh yeah, that’s a cat that I inherited.” Like I did at the very top of this story. His bad behavior was disrespectful and rude, two things that I don’t see myself as so I think I just couldn’t own up to him.

I’m thinking of this because my five-year-old daughter this morning told me that she got in trouble yesterday when she and her friend were at the park with her friend’s caregiver. They went to an area that they were told not to go in order to climb trees. I assume that this was a pretty mild incident given that I heard about it from my child a day later and not the caregiver or the other parents. But it was notice that I’m crossing the threshold of parenting where my child can make choices outside of my control and supervision. And it raises the question about how to manage the myriad of feelings that come with it, specifically the judgment that comes with it – my judgment of my child and my fear of judgment by others.

There are two examples that come to mind about parental reactions to bad behavior. The first is a notable case from when I was growing up about a prominent family in the town. The dad was the editor of the newspaper, the son, who was then in his 30’s, got arrested for serial rape and the mom tried to bribe the judge and have the prosecutor killed.

The second story is on the other end of the parental spectrum and is a video that I saw a dad had posted online of his daughter running to school. He had posted it to shame his daughter for lying about what had happened to her bike.

Between those two examples is probably where most parents operate, I hope. I am finding that I am at my best when I let go of my judgment and instead choose discernment. When I am judging my child’s behavior, I feel the constriction of my viewpoint into not only what have they done but also who that means they are. Even when I don’t say half of what I’m thinking because I’ve declared that there will be no name calling in my house because the research that shows shame does not work, my thoughts jump to judgment. But when I am able to move through that into discernment, I can feel myself open back into curiosity. Both about how to best teach the values that I think will be most helpful and also about what conclusions/lessons my child has already learned before I even say anything. Crossing between judgment and discernment requires at least one deep breath.

So I asked my daughter why she thought that area of the park was out of bounds and what she might do differently the next time she’s invited. She had pretty good answers and we talked through the gray areas. It was better than anything I could have lectured on my own.

Postscript: After many different types of behavioral intervention for Simon and one time when he died and had to be resuscitated on the operating table as he was getting another cat’s tooth extracted from his back after fighting, the vet finally prescribed some kitty Prozac for him. He stopped fighting and breaking into other’s houses and he lived to 19 years of age. He lived with me for 14 of those years so I guess he was my cat after all.

The Serenity Prayer for Parents

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The other day I was chatting online with a bunch of parents about how to get kids to eat well. One woman said seeing pictures people post of the interesting and nutritious foods they were serving their kids made her feel depressed. Another said she fixes three different dinners every night – one for the grown-ups and a different selection for each of her two kids. I admitted that I get so tired of wasting food that I often forget to try. There were a lot of good suggestions and strategies in our chat but also a lot of frustration and self-flagellation from parents who are trying their best. It reminded me that parents need a serenity prayer to remind us not to beat ourselves up.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer is of course most known as a cornerstone of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). I asked a friend who goes to AA, how that meshes with a wide variance of belief systems that go along with such a group. He told me, “when a newby is having a problem with the term higher power, or a ‘God of your understanding’….the old timer would say, ‘for now, just believe there is a God, and it isn’t you, go sit down and listen.’ “

So for whatever Higher Power means to you, it is a relief to acknowledge that there are forces beyond our parenting that influence our little people. We want them to eat well for many great reasons that including our own needs because this is a work in progress and we are itching for solid proof that they’ll be fine and because it is our job and we want evidence that we are doing it well. They will grow up – with our help and in spite of our help. I have a friend with older kids who had a son who would only eat bagels when he went off to college. Truly, that is not an exaggeration. He was a great kid – athletic, smart and kind and she was a fantastic parent. He turned out fine.

These years when my kids are young are the ones where I get to practice that finding that wisdom between accepting what I cannot change and having courage to show up for my kids on the things that I can. It starts with the battles over peas and broccoli but these are just stand-ins for our ability to know when to push, improve our ability to listen and not judge ourselves too harshly when we get it wrong. God grant me the serenity…help me find that place to listen…please make cauliflower too pricey as a sign I don’t need to serve it anymore…let me know that my kids will be fine. Amen.

The Gift of Perspective

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“If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your path.” – Buddha

I thought I had a great way to teach perspective to my kids. I asked my daughter how many houses she could see when she looked out the ground floor window of our house, it was about three. Then I took her up to the floor above and ask her how many she could see and it was about seven. Finally we went out onto the little deck on our rooftop and I asked her how many she could see and it was more than she had numbers for. “Olivia” I said “this is the perspective that you get when you are older, you know that everything fits into a larger picture and you are able to see more of it.” Brilliant, right? The problem was she was only three. 🙂

I find myself pondering the little crumbs of wisdom other parents have given me since I became a parent until they finally click. Someone said when my oldest was a baby in a bucket car seat, “At this age, parenting is physical but after that it becomes psychological.” And when my daughter got to the age of choices, power struggles and motivation to do chores, that line made sense. Another said when my son was born, “The great thing about having two kids is while you love them both, you like at least one of them at any given time.” And when I realized that the Universe is kind enough to make it so only one of their phases really pushes my growth at a time, I got that one. Most recently someone said to me, “It gets easier. It gets less busy.” And I can’t wait to discover when that becomes true.

It strikes me that this is the gift we give to other when we share our experience. We mark the path of how they can go forward like rock cairns on a hiking trail. They are tokens of kindness and wisdom for others to follow so that they know they are going the right way and they are not alone.