Tag: ten percent happier

Automatic Rules

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“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.” – Aristotle

I’ve been thinking about my rules for life. Inspired by a Ten Percent Happier podcast where host Dan Harris interviews blogger and author, Shane Parrish, about making good decisions, I’ve been reviewing the rules that serve me and the ones I need.

Shane described these automatic rules as the ones that can help us overcome a particular inertia or tendency. His example came from a time he was hanging out with Daniel Kahneman (author of Thinking Fast and Slow) and heard Daniel say to someone on the phone, “My rule is to never say ‘yes’ on the phone.”

When Daniel ended the call, Shane asked him to say more about the rule. He explained that his inclination to want to be a nice guy was leading him to say “yes” to things that he really didn’t want to do. So he implemented a rule.

Isn’t that a fascinating example? It made me think of turn-around time on mountains. When we head for the summit knowing that we will turn around at 2pm (or whatever the cut-off is), it helps to curb the bad decisions that come with fatigue and ambition (e.g. but we’re so close, how about a half an hour more?). It brings to mind the story of Rob Hall, a guide on Mt. Everest, who died trying to get a client to the top after they ignored the turn-around time.

I have some rules that were instilled from growing up, they are way less dramatic:

  • Do your chores first thing before you go out to play
  • If something needs to be done, start right away
  • Say what you’ll do and do what you say

And the rules that I’ve added over time:

  • I get up early every morning to meditate and write (this keeps me from wondering if I should sleep in or get up)
  • I don’t read emails after 9pm (this makes for way better sleep)
  • I turn off all phone notifications after 9:30pm (so I actually get to bed)
  • Say “yes” when my kids ask me to play with them anytime I can

And the ones that I need:

  • Don’t buy Halloween candy before the day of or at the very most the couple of days before (the train has left the station this year but I’m going to try to remember it for next)
  • Have a hard cut-off of my writing time at 6:40am, even if I’m mid-sentence, so I can wake the kids on time. (I have been fudging this and then we all end up late)

Shane got his start as a blogger when he was working for an US intelligence agency in the wake of 9/11. Not only do I like his suggestions for reviewing the automatic rules to curb impulses, but I also like to believe that people like him are making good decisions behind the scenes in the country.

Oh, and one more rule I have for Fridays – listening to the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Pocket Casts. This week’s episode is Episode 41: Enter if you Dare with Mark Petruska

(featured photo from Pexels)

The Power of Friends

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“Friendship helps our souls grow.” Michel de Montaigne

I worked for a small, local computer consulting firm right after I graduated from college in the early 90’s. Nestled in the suburb right next to Microsoft, it was growing fast – doubling every year. Most of the new employees were my age and it was a fun working environment in which it was easy to make new friends.

So when I recently heard a Ten Percent Happier podcast with psychologist and professor at the University of Maryland, Dr. Marisa G. Franco who has recently written a book called Platonic quote the statistic that we typically have the most friends at age 25 when we are establishing our identity, it matched with my experience.

Dr. Franco had a lot of interesting stats about friendships these days like four times as many people report having no friends as compared to the early 90’s and 2012, the year of the introduction of the smart phone, correlates with a rise in loneliness. One of the interesting things she added about smart phones and social media is that when we use them to connect with people (aka comment and message) and not just lurk, they can be useful tools in supporting friendships.

She also talked about how friends help us grow. Alone, we have an instinct to be on the lookout for danger that can be calmed when we cultivate good connections:

“Healthy and quality connections and it can ground us and center us more, our souls grow because it gives us the space to figure out who we are because we’re not in that active state of threat anymore. Friendship, good quality friendship, good quality connection it regulates us, it helps us feel less activated all the time, less reactive all the time.”

Dr. Marisa G. Franco

I feel so blessed to be part of this blogging community where it has felt easy to create quality connections with other delightful, thoughtful, and interesting people. Establishing friendships with other parents in this phase of life of having young kids has felt much harder by contrast. Dr. Franco’s research on how attachment theory applies to friendships and making new friends is the topic of my Wise & Shine post for today: The Art and Science of Making New Friends

(featured photo from Pexels)