Tag: respect

Freedom and Responsibility

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“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.” – Gandhi

A couple of days ago I converted Mr. D’s crib to a big boy bed by taking off one of the sides. I kept the crib thing going as long as I could because it’s so comforting to have a child stay where you put them but he’s been exercising his ability to push boundaries by climbing out so it was time.

The first night he got out of bed after I said “good-night” a couple of times, fell out of bed, and the next morning he got up 30 minutes early and woke his sister.

Of course I went through this with Miss O a few years ago but I’m reminded again of the lessons that freedom brings.

When we have freedom – to go anywhere we like or to use our time the way we wish or because we are the boss and no one tells us what to do – it is so exciting. Then we have to decide how to use it.

After the newness wears off, we have to learn to have self-control. We get to choose – within the limits of what is responsible and respectful of other people. We have to make decisions that don’t negatively impact our loved ones or people around us.

And when there’s more freedom, then everyone has to enforce their boundaries. In this case, Mr. D’s ability to pop out of bed is infringing on my ability to have morning kid-free sacred time and Miss O’s ability to sleep.

While kids who are almost 3-years-old are not the most reasonable people to talk and negotiate with, I find that having a strong relationship and consistent conversations about what does and does not work for everyone eventually gets through.

In the days that Miss O was learning how to manage her big bed freedom, I would turn on the Tibetan meditation chant music and say that if she got up early, the only option was to meditate with me. It didn’t take long for her to decide to stay in bed. I did the same with Mr D. except I notice that having another child there as a co-conspirator makes the conversation harder.

Yes, this is perhaps a strained analogy to the state of freedom in the US. But on this July 4th, may we remember that freedom comes with the responsibility to exercise self-control, be respectful of the others around us, the requirement to keep talking with each other and enforce our boundaries. Sometimes freedom works for us and sometimes the freedoms of others make us feel a little crazy and grumpy.  We have to keep working for the middle ground where freedom and respect are in balance. We made this bed and now we need to lie in it. 🙂

Happy 4th everyone!

Do We Have to Be Nice to Alexa?

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“Hem your blessings with thankfulness so that they don’t unravel.” – unknown

I was in the kitchen making dinner last night when I overheard my mom talking to the Amazon Echo device we have in the other room. It’s the device we have plugged in that is connected to the Internet so that the kids can request music for their endless dance parties (I know it does a lot more than that but that’s what we primarily use it for). Because the Echo doesn’t quite understand my son’s two-year-old voice yet, my mom was requesting a song for him, “Alexa, play Baby Shark, please.”

It made me think of manners and respect. I suspect that my 82-year-old mom’s manners are so engrained she doesn’t have to think whether or not she’ll say “please” any more, even when talking to a device. And I tend to say “please” as well when talking to Alexa because I appreciate anyone (or anything) that responds to my requests.

But is it an empty gesture when talking to an Artificial Intelligence device?

It reminds me of training a dog. To give commands, you have to be in control of yourself enough to be clear. In addition, the whole process teaches as much to the trainer as the trainee as you figure out what works and what doesn’t. And finally, there’s a loyalty built when you work together.

Besides, I think modeling respect for everything in our world for my kids builds a good foundation of choosing respect more often than not. Respect for the people that designed it, respect for the shared intelligence it delivers and respect for all the songs we can access through it. Given all that, I think Alexa deserves a please and a thank you!

(featured photo from Pexels)

Culture Shift

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“All joy in this world comes from wanting others to be happy, and all suffering in this world comes from wanting only yourself to be happy.” – Shanti Deva

I have contracted my son’s cold so when I went over to see my mom last night, I kept my mask on even inside her apartment. It reminded me of something one of my college-aged friends told me. She said that even before the COVID era, she observed that Asian students would wear masks if they had a cold. That way they could still be diligent about their studies and also be respectful of others.

Watching the news it makes me think that mask mandates have been controversial in this country. It seems that I regularly catch a story about some airline passenger acting out because they don’t want to wear a mask.

But walking around my neighborhood and going into stores, I haven’t seen any of that push back in person. My daughter has been able to go to first grade full-time in person this fall because the kids are really good at wearing their masks.

All this makes me hopeful that as we come out of COVID, as I’m sure one day we will, we Americans can take away that wearing masks is effective against spreading germs and is respectful of others. That maybe this era has a lasting impact enough to create a culture shift because we are so grateful that we can see each other in person, we can just remember to wear a mask if we aren’t feeling well.

(featured photo from Pexels)

Imitation

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“Imitation is not just the sincerest form of flattery – it’s the sincerest form of learning.” – George Bernard Shaw

When we lived in the Philippines when I was growing up, we had two young women who helped us – one who cooked and one who cleaned. One day when the cook had a day off, my mom made toast and accidentally burned it. She took it to the sink and scraped off the burned bits before buttering it and serving it. The woman who did the cleaning thought this is how Americans made toast. Whenever she made toast for us, she intentionally burned it before scraping and serving it.

I thought of this story last night as I was sitting with my kids as they watched their shows. My daughter picked up her milk cup and accidentally banged it against her bowl of popcorn. My son, who even when he doesn’t seem to be is always watching his older sister, followed suit. He picked up his cup of milk and intentionally banged it on his popcorn bowl.

Imitation is such a natural way to learn. I know this from the last six years of seeing how children learn walking and talking just by imitation. As I watched my kids last night, it occurred to me that sometimes we copy people instead of asking.

In this week that mark’s the seventh anniversary of my dad’s sudden death, it’s no surprise he’s on my mind. But again and again, the thing I am so grateful for is that by following the Divine whisper in my heart, I found my way to asking him what was so important about his life and what he knew.

Imitation works fine for learning when how to make toast but doesn’t replace telling someone how much we admire them. Only by asking can we find out what are the important things they want to pass on to others. It feels more vulnerable to do it but it’s a precious gift that leaves us closer instead of at the sink, scraping off the burned bits of toast and wondering why we never asked.

(featured image from Pexels)

Truth Telling

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“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” – Thomas Jefferson

The other night we were with a family from school and the dad started to tell a story and then turned to his 4-year-old son and said, “James, can I tell a story about you?”

Such a sweet moment of respect and communication. It started me ruminating about how it gets more complicated to tell the truth as our lives get more intertwined. I try to be careful not to tell stories about my kids that I think they would mind reading 10 years or more from now but of course that’s a judgment call.

It reminds me of a story I heard the other day about a friend of a friend. On the outside, everything looks perfect – she’s attractive, healthy, has plenty of money, married with two grown kids, has a cute new puppy. But she’s unhappy, mostly because her marriage isn’t working for her. Nothing is egregiously wrong but her husband is busy with his work and friends and so he’s not interested in making a vital relationship. So she’s working on taking on new things – most recently writing. And here’s where I’ve imagined it lands –if she tells the truth, it’ll crack her life apart.

Of course this resonates for me because it was me 13 or 14 years ago when I was married. Everything looked fine from the outside of my life but on the inside I was starving. I had a husband, who as my dad gently put it after we divorced, “Loved to be loved.” The core of me was stifled into silence because it knew that if I spoke up and said I wanted more depth and meaning than just taking care of my husband it would be the beginning of the end of that relationship. I drank a lot of wine at the end of each day. Numbing was the only thing I could do to stay and not tell the truth.

I know I’m in trouble when I have to stuff down what I know to be true in order to do something. Having gone through it in my marriage, the moment I get a whiff of a situation that can’t withstand the sincerity of living out loud, it screams DANGER to me. When I write or say the small things that I haven’t dared to acknowledge outside myself before but I know are real, it feels vital and like a bridge to others that will hold up because it’s true.

So where does that leave my family? I think like the father the other night, asking to tell a story is a pretty good idea. And the story the dad told was about sitting in a car with his four-year-old, not paying attention to him because he was doing something on his phone. Finally he realized that his son, who he didn’t know could read, was saying, “It says ‘Pizza Bar.’” Hearing that story reminded me not only to ask my kids if I can tell a story but also to remember that they have learned to read or soon will. My truth needs to be told without risking anyone else’s.