opportunity – Surprised By Joy

“Surrender to what is. Say ‘yes’ to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.” – Eckhard Tolle

[I almost titled this post “Being a Yay-Sayer” as a joke for anyone that has read about the spelling mistake that I made at Everest Base Camp. Featured photo is from there. If you haven’t, here’s the post on HoTM: Yay, Yeah, Whatever.]

One of the most transformative books that I’ve ever read was Year of Yes by Shondra Rhimes. I remember being pregnant with Mr. D and sitting in a Mexican restaurant eating chips and salsa as I read. So I clearly was at least on speaking terms with “yes,” if getting pregnant with my second child by IVF as a single person was any indication.

Shondra Rhimes, the creator of hit shows such as Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal to name just two of her many accomplishments, sets up the book as a response to something one of her sisters says to her. It was something like, “You never say yes to anything.” So she sets out to say “yes” to all of life’s invitations for a year, even things that terrified her. Public speaking – yes. Media appearances – yes.

Here’s how it was transformative for me. My natural response to life is mostly a “yes.” But somewhere down the line I began to think that it was cool and discerning to say, “no.” Like it indicated that I was a busy person in demand and that showed a level of sophistication. It was a subtle thing when I switched from telling people what I couldn’t do instead of what I could do.

[An aside here: I’m not talking about drawing healthy boundaries and maintaining a line of separation between what are my responsibilities to take care of versus someone else’s responsibilities. I’m not advocating contorting myself to make everything fit, I’m focusing on saying yes/no to adventures and opportunities.]

That small change meant that when someone asked if I could meet them for lunch on Wednesday, I’d respond with something like, “No, I can’t. I have back-to-back meetings that day” instead of “I can’t meet Wednesday but I can meet Tuesday or Friday.”

So reading Shonda’s book reminded me that there is an openness when you face life with “yes” in mind. Not only that, it fits better with my natural way of being. It’s an approach that defaults to a response that starts with “here’s what I can do.” It engenders a flexibility to other ideas, opportunities, and adventures that I might not think of myself.

I am sometimes accused of doing too much by the people in my life. But I’m not sure they are accounting for the euphoria and joy that comes with being aligned with that openness that feeds me in so many ways. And when I’m sick, my “yes” pretty quickly turns to “no.” It feels like that is as it should be as well.

This isn’t about giving up discernment as Shondra demonstrates so well in the book when she says “yes” to herself and ends her engagement. She also shows us it takes practice. But in the end, it’s about opening to all the opportunities that come our way with the deep knowing that we can try and see what happens.

Speaking of saying “yes,” Vicki and I were able to get Mark Petruska to come back on the Sharing the Heart of the Matter podcast to talk about personal anthems and resiliency. It is a great episode about using songs that energize and motivate us during the tough times in life. You can search for Sharing the Heart of the Matter on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Pocketcasts or play it from the web here: Episode 26: Eye of the Tiger with Mark Petruska

(featured photo is mine)

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” – Seneca

A few weeks back when we were in the car on the way to Parkour class, my 6-year-old daughter, Miss O, wanted me to ask her coach to call on her more. I told her that wasn’t my place to do. Then her best friend who was also in the car volunteered to say it for her. We practiced in the car what the friend would say for about 3 minutes which was something like, “Miss O feels like you don’t call on her as much and she has good ideas. Can you please call on her more?”

Then as we stepped out of the car and Miss O said, “Actually, I can do it.” She went inside, found him in the entry way and said, “Um, I feel like you’ve been calling on my friend more and I wish you’d call on me.” The coach said, “Is that how it feels?” and she said, “Yes!” He responded, “Well, one of the reasons is that your friend is more attention seeking” which was perfectly illustrated by the fact that she was standing behind him doing rabbit ears, “but if you would like me to call on you more, I’m glad you let me know and I’d be happy to.”

I witnessed all this as I was waiting to check the girls in and thought about how hard it is to work up the confidence to advocate for oneself. About nine months ago, I submitted some writing to the folks who run the Pointless Overthinking blog to become a regular contributor and I hadn’t heard back in several weeks. I waffled on the pros and cons of following up – Would I be a pest or seem too pushy? What if prompting them was irritating and made it so I just got a “no” answer faster?

In The Confidence Code, authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman suggest a few ways to build up confidence to speak up. First of all, practice what you want to say just like my daughter did in the car. When we practice the words out loud, it’s easier to imagine actually saying them and have confidence that you won’t trip over the words, or at least not too egregiously. The practice often also helps us work through to find exactly what the point or question is.

Second, imagine that it’s a “we” issue, not a “me” issue. When I did in fact follow-up with my writing submission, I pointed out that the blog didn’t have anyone that was writing from the point of view of someone who was a mom in the thick of parenting and that 100% of readers have or had a mother. It was a small attempt to be funny and without intending too, I was adopting the mantle of a group bigger than just me.

And lastly, the more that we take that step to advocate, the easier it becomes. Maybe it starts with asking coaches for a turn or extra attention. Or asking someone sympathetic like a grandmother for a loan to buy a used car. But somewhere down the line everyone is in the nerve-wracking position of knowing they deserve a raise, a promotion or benefits and need to ask. If we’ve exercised the muscle to advocate for what we want before, it’ll be easier.

The response when I sent my follow-up inquiry on my blog submissions was almost immediate and very positive. In fact it started with, “I’m glad you reached out a day or so ago because it prompted me to go back and look at your writing again. And I liked what I saw.”

Not all my inquiries have worked out so well and I’m sure that’ll hold true for the future too. But I’d hazard that in this case, along with many things that require confidence, that trying helped tip the balance in the direction that I wanted. That is to say, if I hadn’t tried, my submission might have just stayed buried in the bottom of the pile.

As my daughter has learned, you have to hold your hand up if you want to be called on.

What do you think about advocating for yourself? Any tips you’ve learned to make it easier?

This is my sixth post on confidence. Here are the others:

I Can

Fear and Confidence

Growth Mind-set

Bossy Pants – Confidence and Leadership

No Name Calling

Tag: opportunity

Being a Yes-Sayer

Speaking Up