Speaking Up

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“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” – Seneca

A few weeks back when we were in the car on the way to Parkour class, my 6-year-old daughter, Miss O, wanted me to ask her coach to call on her more. I told her that wasn’t my place to do. Then her best friend who was also in the car volunteered to say it for her. We practiced in the car what the friend would say for about 3 minutes which was something like, “Miss O feels like you don’t call on her as much and she has good ideas. Can you please call on her more?”

Then as we stepped out of the car and Miss O said, “Actually, I can do it.” She went inside, found him in the entry way and said, “Um, I feel like you’ve been calling on my friend more and I wish you’d call on me.” The coach said, “Is that how it feels?” and she said, “Yes!” He responded, “Well, one of the reasons is that your friend is more attention seeking” which was perfectly illustrated by the fact that she was standing behind him doing rabbit ears, “but if you would like me to call on you more, I’m glad you let me know and I’d be happy to.”

I witnessed all this as I was waiting to check the girls in and thought about how hard it is to work up the confidence to advocate for oneself. About nine months ago, I submitted some writing to the folks who run the Pointless Overthinking blog to become a regular contributor and I hadn’t heard back in several weeks. I waffled on the pros and cons of following up – Would I be a pest or seem too pushy? What if prompting them was irritating and made it so I just got a “no” answer faster?

In The Confidence Code, authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman suggest a few ways to build up confidence to speak up. First of all, practice what you want to say just like my daughter did in the car. When we practice the words out loud, it’s easier to imagine actually saying them and have confidence that you won’t trip over the words, or at least not too egregiously. The practice often also helps us work through to find exactly what the point or question is.

Second, imagine that it’s a “we” issue, not a “me” issue. When I did in fact follow-up with my writing submission, I pointed out that the blog didn’t have anyone that was writing from the point of view of someone who was a mom in the thick of parenting and that 100% of readers have or had a mother. It was a small attempt to be funny and without intending too, I was adopting the mantle of a group bigger than just me.

And lastly, the more that we take that step to advocate, the easier it becomes. Maybe it starts with asking coaches for a turn or extra attention. Or asking someone sympathetic like a grandmother for a loan to buy a used car. But somewhere down the line everyone is in the nerve-wracking position of knowing they deserve a raise, a promotion or benefits and need to ask. If we’ve exercised the muscle to advocate for what we want before, it’ll be easier.

The response when I sent my follow-up inquiry on my blog submissions was almost immediate and very positive. In fact it started with, “I’m glad you reached out a day or so ago because it prompted me to go back and look at your writing again. And I liked what I saw.”

Not all my inquiries have worked out so well and I’m sure that’ll hold true for the future too. But I’d hazard that in this case, along with many things that require confidence, that trying helped tip the balance in the direction that I wanted. That is to say, if I hadn’t tried, my submission might have just stayed buried in the bottom of the pile.

As my daughter has learned, you have to hold your hand up if you want to be called on.

What do you think about advocating for yourself? Any tips you’ve learned to make it easier?

This is my sixth post on confidence. Here are the others:

I Can

Fear and Confidence

Growth Mind-set

Bossy Pants – Confidence and Leadership

No Name Calling

36 thoughts on “Speaking Up”

  1. I’m not much of a follow-upper. I’m not sure how much of that is a confidence issue vs. how much is having a hard time looking beyond my own response style. When people contact me, if I’m going to respond, I’ll respond to the first email, and it would be rare for a follow-up email to me to prompt a response that wouldn’t have happened anyway. I know that not everyone is like that, but it’s hard to budge my mind out of that place.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That sounds like you are decisive to me. I’m thinking about the work that you did with Amazon about the cover of your book. It seemed to me that you had to advocate for your work until you found a solution.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well I just love this post- especially in regards to Miss O, but also to the way she is learning valuable lessons by example I suspect… I was well into adulthood before finding the courage and confidence to speak out for myself. You are absolutely right Wynne- the more you do it the easier it gets.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you, Deb – a very nice comment. I remember not even wanting to call a store to find out their hours when I was young. Hopefully Miss O will continue to get good feedback and learn – but it’s hard work!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. A shame she isn’t old enough to run for President. I have a friend who once predicted his willful young daughter would either become POTUS or an ax murderer. I know she didn’t become POTUS, but I am afraid to ask about the other possibility. Is Miss O. free to help me?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m laughing about your friend’s daughter. Well, I bet she turned out great. Besides, no one uses an ax these days…

      Miss O would totally love to provide any help she can!

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    2. Agreed! I’m glad you did, and that you’re bringing up your daughter to be a confident young woman. I wasn’t sure if this is a factor in this at all, but I did read stats that show that normally women only apply to jobs if they meet 100% of the criteria, whereas men will apply if they meet just some of the criteria.
      https://hbr.org/2014/08/why-women-dont-apply-for-jobs-unless-theyre-100-qualified
      To quote from the above link “The advice: women need to have more faith in themselves.”
      I’m glad you have faith in yourself and instilling that in your daughter!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’d really like to find a tried and true way to teach this to my 16-17 year old students. I’m always trying out different ways to get them to advocate for themselves, but I still feel like it’s not really working most of the time. Any recommendations? Thanks for another great post!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh wow, I bet that is hard. Perhaps your lessons are paying off in ways that aren’t visible in class. I wonder if using the “we” method – getting them to advocate for each other might be easier at that age? Thank you for being another source of great lessons for kids growth and maturity!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. If it were me, I’d assign Wynne’s post as a reading project, along with a requirement that students write a brief essay outlining one situation in which s/he might like to stand up for her/himself. Then I’d sit them down in small groups and have them practice with one another and share feedback. Well, that approach might not work if you’re a math teacher!

      Liked by 3 people

    1. What an astute comment, Rosaliene. I was thinking that being a single parent has helped me grow in this area as well so I resonate with you are saying here. Yes, it does get easier!

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Advocating for ourselves… difficult to do at some point in our lives, depending on who we need to speak up to. Some people are easy to speak to while others create a sense of trepidation about the outcome. My new mantra, most of the time, is “What have I got to lose?”, but honestly, sometimes I chicken out and just wait until I feel better prepared.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great point, Tamara. There are some people that will be hard no matter how much practice we have. I’d guess in your case when you wait, it isn’t chickening out but instead having the patience to wait for the right time. There’s a lot of wisdom in that!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Parkour will forever remind me of “The Office.”

    I’m impressed that Miss O. wants to be called on more. I was usually the guy hiding in the last row, trying my hardest to blend in with the background.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no – I didn’t see enough of the Office to get the Parkour reference. I’m feeling like I missed out!

      The last row has lost of benefits too – closest to the door for example. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Self advocacy and assertiveness (rather than being aggressive) are wonderful skills and qualities to have.

    How wonderful that you are coaching your daughter to develop these skills and giving her the space to practice and build these skills for herself.

    Way to go to Miss O for speaking up and way to go to you for making that blogging connection!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like how you say “give the space the practice.” It strikes me that is one of the hardest things to judge in parenting and hopefully I get it right sometimes. Thank you, Ab!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Todd! I really enjoy your writing as well and I’m so grateful we made the connection at PO! Oh, and yes, Parkour class is very cool. So fun for kids to be able to jump over and off everything! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Good for you. The worst you can hear is no. I am not good at this sort of thing. Rehearsing the question out loud in advance is a good idea. I hope I remember that when/should the need arise!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. This is a post I can relate to, because I might as well be fighting for my life rather than partaking in confrontation—even if that means fighting for my rights. I’m just built with this intense fear of speaking up and I don’t know why. Thanks for sharing this story and making me feel not so alone, and congrats on the follow up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting, Stuart. Isn’t it interesting how hard it is to do? Thanks for sharing your story and I hope something in it is useful to you next time you have to speak up! Maybe the power of “we”?

      Like

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