Vulnerability at Any Age

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“I believe that you have to walk through vulnerability to get to courage.” – Brene Brown

Let me take your temperature on something. Do you think that middle-aged and older means that you don’t have to be vulnerable any longer? Emotionally vulnerable, that is.

After all, we don’t have to go door to door with our resumes looking for our first job. And many who have life partners have had them for quite some time. We know our hobbies and interests and don’t have to try a bunch of new things to see what fits. We’ve even developed our conversational patter so that anything that comes close to a sensitive spot can be deflected without much effort.

Here’s the discovery I’ve come to after many years of searching for the things that make me feel vital. Continued vulnerability is one of them.

When I believe that vulnerability is off the table, I’m unlikely to:

Move out of my established lane

Upset the status quo of “my success”

Market or promote my writing

Try to find love

Brainstorm wild ideas

Try new things

Make new friends

Learn new technologies/applications

Express my feelings in relationships that have gone on so long that it risks the status quo

State my opinion about politics or religion

Here’s what I’m afraid of. If we retire from life, we leave so much potential and wisdom gained from 50 years or more unsaid. The things we’ve learned through trial and error that we are passionate about? We fail to bring them up.

When I was in my mid forties and wanted to have children, I found it incredibly difficult to say out loud. In one respect, it makes sense because such a precious dream is fragile in its early stages. But when I managed to broach the subject with a few of my dear friends, the incredible support they offered helped to fuel the vision.

So for me, I think I want to keep pushing myself towards openness. But I’d love to know what you think about vulnerability at any age.

(featured photo from Pexels)

74 thoughts on “Vulnerability at Any Age”

  1. One of the joys about getting older is we are generally more sure in ourselves and less worried about what others think and we can be more vulnerable as compared to our younger selves.

    I love your point around not retiring completely from life and to lean into the openness. That’s what makes life so interesting, especially in our later years.

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  2. I agree with much of what you’ve written, Wynne. I would add that wisdom is in short supply at any age. We must always learn more.

    If anyone doubts this, they should ask themselves to explain the most recent electoral results and how it is that mankind is running toward the undoing of a liveable climate. We have much to learn.

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  3. Hmm, I wonder if you are confusing losing “vulnerability” with the freedom of not worrying about what other people think anymore, you set your own expectations. That’s what I’ve found in going through the aging process. I can’t imagine why that would have anything at all to do with not trying new things. Most of my friends are in their 70s and 80s and they all try new things regularly, obviously taking the occasional physical limitation into consideration. Perhaps what we’re doing looks limited/restricted to younger eyes, but I find it quite the opposite in terms of freedom to choose.

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    1. Hmm. That’s an interesting post, Jane. Maybe it’s related. I notice that sometimes not caring what other people think sometimes comes with a side of not walking to talk about it. Like “I’m not going to promote what I’m doing because I don’t care what others think.” Or maybe even curtailing open conversations about differences.

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      1. Hmm, no, I don’t think so. I was talking about being older and being retired. And not having to worry about promoting anything, or worry about keeping up in areas you never cared about in the first place but felt compelled to follow along with. I think I probably just saw something in your post that seemed different from my “old person” perspective. I was only trying to say that removing oneself from the challenges at one phase of life doesn’t mean giving up trying new things, they’re just different things we’re trying.

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  4. Thank you for your blog. It certainly resonates with me.

    I’m my 60’s. Amazing hubby who has stood by me for 35 plus years. I’m disorganised and scatty in my home life, leaving 1/2 read books all over the place, together with 1/2 finished projects. He has had some health issues recently. Quite serious which has changed his life and personality.

    My vulnerability is around voicing our/my future. Will I be left to do things on my own? Who will support me – emotionally? Who will help me if I have health issues I need to address?

    We have adult children who are ‘available’ when we ask, but these thoughts make me less likely to ask.

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    1. Oh, that’s tough. I’m sorry for your husband’s health issues. I wonder if voicing the questions you put here to your kids would open up a helpful dialogue? But I feel the vulnerability in doing so. Sending good thoughts.

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  6. I really love this, Wynne. I’ve always been one to march to the beat of my own drum, but years of debilitating illness revived that spirit in a big way. Life is fragile and, however long it lasts, life is too short. Do we really have time to put on airs, censor our thoughts, and pretend to be someone we’re not? It’s so much easier and more comfortable to be real, even if that means that some people reject us for it.

    I think there’s an unspoken undertow to what you’re written, as well: fear of failure, and refraining from trying something new or uncomfortable because we don’t to risk humiliation. Being able to wade through the discomfort to try something new is, I believe, one of the greatest skills we can foster. The more we fail, the less intimidating it is, and it build the muscle memory and callouses needed to keep failing forward, and gaining wisdom in the process.

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    1. Oh, I love this comment, Erin! So much goodness!! But I absolutely love, “Being able to wade through the discomfort to try something new is, I believe, one of the greatest skills we can foster. The more we fail, the less intimidating it is, and it build the muscle memory and callouses needed to keep failing forward, and gaining wisdom in the process.”

      You put your finger on it! Yes!!

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  8. I like to focus less on “vulner” and more on “ability.” Spoken like a true optimist, I’m sure! But I do feel that being open to vulnerability helps us grow…and you’re never too old to stop.

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  9. I’m in my early 60s now and I choose to hold onto being vulnerable, for it allows my curiosity to let me explore new things instead of getting stuck in my ways. Trying anything new requires a level of vulnerability and courage to fail. When we try to protect ourselves from any kind of failure, we limit our lives, our spirits and our outlooks, for we choose only the things that are tried and true. If change comes upon us unexpectedly then, it is so much harder to pivot and deal with the new because we have become unaccustomed to the new, to the point that it is scary. That’s not who I choose to be, so I embrace the possibility of failure and success by being vulnerable.

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    1. What an incredible statement for the power of vulnerability, Tamara! I love, ‘When we try to protect ourselves from any kind of failure, we limit our lives, our spirits and our outlooks, for we choose only the things that are tried and true. ” Right!! Thank you, my friend!

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      1. Unfortunately, I see many in my generation who have succumbed to their fears. I think that ages us before our time!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m definitely not as vulnerable as I was in my 20s. But I think the move and having to meet new people and find new friends has made me get “out there.” Also, today I signed up for intro to photography class that begins late January through May at a local community college. That makes me a bit nervous and vulnerable.

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      1. Thank you, Wynne. At first I thought I needed a new lens to improve my photography. But the lens is out of stock. I realized a class will be more helpful at this point. I signed up for one in Palm Springs with a friend, and then COVID happened and the class was cancelled.

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  11. “Pushing toward openness” Three words…sounds so simple…and yet the self-imposed blockades (and those we absorb from our environment, culture) feel like impenetrable fences some days. Cheers to courage at any age, but especially when we full the tug of stay in place vs. venture forward. xo, dear Wynne! 💕

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  12. Of course we have to remain vulnerable. We have to remain vital and they go together. Just as you cannot improve until you admit you are not perfect, you cannot live until you admit there are still things to explore and live for. Love, hobbies, life—-in all exploration means risk, accepting risk means acknowledging vulnerability, acknowledging vulnerability means living a life worth living.

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  13. I like this idea, that as we age and settle into our lives, we become less vulnerable. We’re not required to face as many challenging situations on the daily as we do in adulthood, so we don’t get the practice.

    I lived with an eating disorder for a long time. One of the things it does is try to remove vulnerability. Learning that being vulnerable won’t destroy you is one piece of recovery.

    Currently, I find my quest to live authentically sometimes make me feel vulnerable. Like you, I often find people are better at support than I imagine they will be.

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  14. Interesting dilemma, Wynne. Sometimes ‘fear’ masquerades as a preference. Opening ourselves up to new experiences and challenging the status quo helps us move forward despite the fear. In contrast, if it’s a true ‘preference,’ age and experience qualify us to make that decision. Stepping out of the comfort zone can excite and reward us, yet knowing what we like and choosing accordingly can bring about a surreal peace.

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  15. My answer to the question you posed is that middle aged and older can mean a lot of things, and doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything. But I’m a big fan of practicing healthy emotional vulnerability in all seasons and situations.

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  16. While reading your list of unlikely stuff (if vulnerability is off the table), I wonder about flexibility. I guess I haven’t put vulnerability and flexibility together before. But the items in your list are about openness — as you mention in the last paragraph. Such a good point! And as I’ve grown older, I’m becoming more comfortable in being vulnerable. 🙂

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    1. What an astute observation about vulnerability and flexibility. Looking at the list, I see what you mean. I love that growing older has made you more comfortable with vulnerability. Thanks, Dave!

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  17. I so agree with you, vulnerability should continue throughout our lives. it is what keeps us growing, learning, trying, and failing. all are importan to a life

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  19. Openness is a concept for me. Does anyone think out loud what they are thinking 10% of 50% of the time? I had to find a synonym for vulnerability to grasp the question and I landed on obligation, and liability.

    Can you clarify vulnerability off the table?

    I think in retirement my hope was to live more carefree but I see others do so but my life is shaped around caring for family members. I have chosen to see it as an opportunity and not a burden; at least 90% of the time anyway.

    I applaud people who challenge the path their on, dare new things, and strive to do more than expected. The senior who starts a diploma at 65 is my hero (just an example)

    I encourage myself and others to not hold ourselves back because I am so guilty of that – now I tell others and myself “Looking back in one year………..what do you want to remember?” Will it be a regret or will be a moment of satisfaction that you made a decision for yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ah, such good questions and points, David. For me, vulnerability is that trying of new things. Like your 65 yr-old getting a diploma. It’s that setting the sights — and then adjusting to like what we’re handing like you with caregiving. What an amazing attitude you have!

      And your questions about what to remember — so good!

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  20. We may feel more confident as we get older and worry less about what other people think of us, but I’m pretty sure most of us still feel vulnerable at any age. It probably happens less frequently, but there are still secrets we have that may be hard to reveal to others.

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  24. Ironically, I’m currently reading Brene Brown’s “Gifts of Imperfection”. I just love her. In my opinion, while letting ourselves be vulnerable is so very hard, it fuels growth and teaches us so much about ourselves. Totally worth it.

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  25. I do think age allows us to be more vulnerable and especially become more comfortable with it. I think it’s due a lot to an inner confidence we lack when we’re young. We may appear confident when young, but don’t feel it because we’re still building and unsure. At this stage we care less about the opinions of others and have experience and wisdom on our side, generally. It allows us to be vulnerable, explore more, and in that we can never stop learning. There’s always so much more to uncover.
    What a lovely thought provoking post Wynne!

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  26. I think vulnerability as we get older, especially after retirement, is a good thing. We truly have nothing to lose and everything to gain. The little ones are watching (well, mine isn’t little anymore), and they can learn a lot from our experiences.

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      1. Thank you so much, Wynne. I’m doing the best I can because he is definitely watching. The good thing is that your little ones are learning a lot of good things from you as well, because you are a great mom who is always looking for ways to do better and improve their lives.

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  28. They do say that old people can say or do whatever they want because they don’t care what others think. Not true for this old woman. At 76 I still sometimes find it hard to be totally honest with my thoughts or feelings. I still want approval from family and friends and even the checkout clerk at the grocery store. 🙂

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  30. This is a great post that really has me pondering – the words, ‘emotionally vulnerable’, and all the variables they may include. In my own case, I’ve always done unconventional things and have very little care about other’s judgments. I’ve chosen my life and it’s been pretty great. But sometimes I don’t speak the words that I feel most strongly about – politics and religion – because the dissenting views are not worth the pain. I’ve watched family members disown each other during this previous election just because of political party choices. These are people who used to get along great but now, can only think of horrible names to call each other. In this case, I feel my choices are silence or violence. The fights and animosity don’t seem worth it. At the same time, I dislike that I hesitate to be emotionally vulnerable with these divisive issues in certain circles.

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  32. You pose a great question, Wynne! I agree with your thoughts too. Now that I’m in my early sixties, my skin is thicker, which is a good thing. I’ve always worried about what others think, and at times, I still do. But for the most part, I’m done with that. 🙂 However, I show vulnerability each time I click ‘publish’ for a post here in blogland because I’m sharing a new piece of my personal writing. Or each time I release a new book. I think taking chances within reason, trying new things in any manner, we’re exposing ourselves to failure. On the other hand, we’re putting ourselves out there to also succeed.

    So, I agree that we shouldn’t become complacent in life as we age without allowing growth in some way. As to speaking our truths, I believe there is a time and a place. Sometimes, voicing our opinions is healthy, while other times, it may just fuel an unnecessary fire. There are so many variables. Life is nuanced. And another perspective is that as we grow older, our bodies change, which in turn adds a new layer of vulnerability. What a great topic of discussion! 💞

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    1. Oh, what an insightful comment, Lauren. You are so right we are vulnerable every time we publish. And the point about physical vulnerability is so good too! Thanks for adding to this discussion!

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  33. I love your query and vulnerability that continues to stretch you and bring you joy and insight. Just look at your beautiful children and following your heart the support you got from your friends. I applaud you and I have to follow my heart and show up as my true authentic self at least in the moment as I know it. Great post, Wynne💗

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