Being Difficult

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“There will never be an “us” if I play small.” – Sharon Preiss

Last Monday when Miss O, Mr. D, and I were getting ready for bike camp, nine-year-old Miss O was dragging her feet. She had a ton of “problems” that were blocking her: she couldn’t find shoes, Cooper the dog was in her way, her helmet was missing one unicorn ear, she didn’t remember the route we usually use to go down to the lake, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I turned to her and said, “You are being difficult.”

She replied, “I am.” And then added, “I wish I could tell you when you are being difficult too.”

To which I replied, “Please do. But I’d especially love to know when I’m being difficult when others are trying to be helpful and supportive or if it’s when you all are dragging your feet.”

I’ve been troubled by this conversation ever since. In fact, I’m finding it hard to write about. Here’s my best guess at why.

I think I’m starting to experience the generational BS that women in my family pass down. And it’s so ingrained and insidious, I’m not even doing it intentionally.

“You are being difficult.” It’s like code for saying that I expect her to fall in line and be agreeable. To be flexible and accommodating like a young woman.

To be fair, she was being difficult. It’s just that the word hits a note of a gender stereotype that I’ve tried to avoid my whole life. I had no intention of passing it on. Then it slipped out of my mouth.

I’m naturally pretty agreeable. But inheriting the expectations of how a woman should behave has kept me from speaking up when I needed to – both in pursuing my own interests and also when something is wrong. And it kept me playing small. Trying not to stand up or stand out has kept me quiet about what I know or am capable of doing. It’s made me intentionally dim my light so I’m not too much.

It’s taken me decades in leadership positions to figure out that I can be genial AND forthright. And when needed, it’s acceptable to be hard-headedly, certainly, yet kindly, difficult.

So, I’m officially okay with Miss O being difficult. While I prefer she not do it when we are heading out the door, it’s fine if she does that too. Because sometimes that is when we learn to flip the script.

(featured photo from Pexels)

49 thoughts on “Being Difficult”

  1. this is such a good reflection. we often respond in the way that the old tapes in our head say a situation has played out in the past. miss o’s response to this made a good point and shook you out of the ‘habit’ of your response, knowing all of the negatives that the phrase embraces. consider it a learning experience, and it will help you to do better. your intentions were not bad, and you learned a lot from this, so it’s a positive in my book. my daughters once commented, (when I was stressing out about an upcoming holiday and gathering, and really no big issues). ‘you are acting just like grandma1’ this mad me stop cold, as my mother was ‘challenging’ to say the least and one of my goals as a human and especially as a mother, was to be as different from her as possible. she used to be so stressed and hard to live with prior to a holiday, that the holiday wasn’t even fun or worth the ‘pre-stress.’ this observation from my daughters, changed everything in that moment and I’ve embraced a ‘I’ll do the best I can, stuff will happen, and it will all be okay at the holiday, even if not perfect’ approach and it was a great change for all of us. good to re-set things every so often –

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    1. I love this story, Beth. Especially how that observation “changed everything in that moment.” I think that’s the best we can hope for — being open to the moments that can change these patterns!

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  2. The things that can get passed down from generation to generation are so tricky, because they are so ingrained in us. The first step is often recognizing it and your self awareness will be helpful!

    I see habits, words and phrases or behaviour that I did not appreciate or like much growing up – coming through my words and actions sometimes too.

    I’m glad you recognized it in that moment with Miss O and you’re right, it’s good to flip the script, as it’s the first step in changing the course.

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  3. “So ingrained and insidious”…that observation right there is so powerful. Awareness that the generational messages are lurking, always. Ready to pounce and pop out of our mouths. I love your reflection and insight. You and Miss O…growing and learning from each other. I can’t speak to parenting a young man, but I know how grateful I am for pointed insight that comes from daughter Delaney who sees…and speaks her mind. Respectfully and with less worry about perceptions of others, especially those gender-based slights about females and being agreeable that some of us carried…carry. ❤️

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  5. Profound Wynne! I remember the horror realizing I sounded like my mom at times. Those things were only shared with my kids (girls especially) later in adult life. Share this part of yourself in ways that O will understand now and D as he gets older as well. Acknowledge this together and learn to see and be different all around. You can and will stop the cycle.

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    1. Oh, I so appreciate that you heard this too. And your encouragement that we can (and will) change the cycle). So good! I can only imagine how that has positively affected your grands!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  6. The gender-biased standard for so-called “women being difficult” is one of the elements in the November election. Take a look at the poll numbers and you will find a striking difference in female vs. male support for one party over the other. I am with the women.

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  7. I’m not a parent myself, but I think it’s reasonable for children to be expected to be cooperative, especially if there is an activity that impacts others. Let me ask you this, Wynne, would your word choice be different if Mr. D was acting this way? I’m sure there must be such a fine line between demanding respect as a parent to establish clear boundaries, and allowing kids to exercise their independence and grow into themselves.

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    1. Oh, what an insightful question, Erin!! I’m not sure that I can answer. It’s kind of an age thing. I’d work harder to understand why Mr. D was holding up the train — because he’s five. My gut says that if he was 9, I’d say something like, “Get going buddy.” But I’m not sure.

      And you have a good point about being cooperative and not impacting others. The balance is hard for sure!

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      1. I’ve spent much of today thinking about this. It’s hard, isn’t it? But, the key to be asking these questions and thinking about solutions. Don’t beat yourself too much because it really says so much about your character that you’re trying to be mindful and considerate of your kids. ❤️

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  8. Social, parental and familial conditioning can sometimes paralyze us and prevent us from becoming, though there is a balance in that too. It’s up to us to find the balance. And recognizing it is the first step as you have done.
    How insightful you are to hear the old feelings in your words Wynne. Certainly you’ve already gained so much from the conversation with Miss O. 💕

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  10. Our parent’s words slip out of our mouthes so easy. I hear you and I get your concern Wynne, but I still think you’re being too hard on yourself. Yes, in the moment maybe you didn’t like the message you passed along, but you’re forgetting about all the other messages that you’ve given Miss O in her young life. You’ve told her to stand proud and to stand up for herself. If you hadn’t, she wouldn’t have the courage to respectfully say what was on her mind. The big picture is what matters!! Hang in there!

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  12. Having gone through those stages with my daughter and grandkids, it is perfectly normal for them to start giving pushback. Their minds are developing and they’re seeing and learning how to navigate through the world.

    The fact that you are trying to change how things were done generationally means you have no script to follow. That means you’re going to make some mistakes. You’re working with your kids in an honest and heart-led way, they see it, so whatever mistakes you make they will be forgiving.

    The next few years are going to be very challenging but hang in, it will be OK!

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    1. Heart-led. I love that, Tamara! Thank you for giving me this context — and the grace! I really appreciate hearing it from you who has done so much work to flip the script!

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  13. You hit a big nerve with me. I was the difficult one in my childhood house. Too much energy, too loud, too busy, unladylike laughter, crazy ideas, too stubborn…Over time I think I decided to be a pleaser so people would like me over being me, less likable, more authentic! I’m still learning how to be me but this is such a fabulous reminder. Thanks Wynne and Miss O! Hugs, C

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    1. I love your description of how we can come back from being that “people pleaser” persona. Yes! Isn’t it funny how we were told those messages and morphed because of them. Thank goodness for the sisterhood of authenticity! XOXO!

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  14. You know Wynne, there always seems to be a different “invisible” playbook for females in general. It seems like we have always had to be the ones to compromise and not be so pushy so to speak. I can certainly understand how we sometimes check ourselves with the past vs. the present when confronted with certain accusations that punch below the gut sometimes. But honey, never ever dim your light. Let it shine, because if you don’t, you could be the one wandering around in complete darkness! 🤗💖🥰 Cheers! 🥂

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  15. Excellent post and reflection. There’s a lot of “stuff” imprinted in our brains that is hard to erase, like a bad tattoo. It will take several iterations of treatment to erase it and replace it with something better. I’m learning to deal with all that “stuff” myself while raising my teenage son, as teenagers are experts at pushing the right buttons to trigger a response. We need to take it day by day and keep changing the bad things that we’ve learned.

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    1. I’m smiling at the bad tattoo analogy. That has me smiling – and will stick with me. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one working through this – and that as we raise our kids, we are doing our best to do better!

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      1. I’m glad you liked the bad tattoo analogy. Trust me, there are a lot of parents out there going through the same thing, even if they lie on Facebook, telling the whole world that “everything is awesome,” like in the Lego movie.

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  16. As parents we definitely have moments when we say the dreaded phrases we swore we never would. The phrase you used was popular in my childhood home as well, although I try try try to avoid it… I wonder if Ms. O might need to pre-pack the night before. Also, nervousness can come out as foot dragging I think. I notice that with Eagle as well.

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    1. Oh, you nailed it, Rebecca. It was a sign of nervousness. She’d done this particular camp four years ago and didn’t like it. She only agreed to do it because she was accompanying Mr. D. And pre-packing – that’s a great idea. Thanks, my friend!

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  17. I read this one earlier in the day..then this spoke to me so clearly : “It’s taken me decades in leadership positions to figure out that I can be genial AND forthright. And when needed, it’s acceptable to be hard-headedly, certainly, yet kindly, difficult.” Just what I needed to hear before I went to confront a plumber for not communicating and no show on my current project. Thank you! DM

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  21. Wynne, what a lovely demonstration of how your parenting is *working*!! Your daughter knew she had the space to speak her thoughts, even in the moment when she could’ve just retreated and “fell in line”.

    And what a great recognition on your part to stand outside the moment and get a glimpse of a bigger picture! You are also humble to share this story with us. Be encouraged! You’re doing hard things here.

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  22. You are giving your children such gifts that will help them their entire lives. How to speak their truth with compassion, how to speak up for themselves, and that everyone makes mistakes at times….and the best of them recognize when an apology is needed. 💞
    What if you gave your kids a code word when that you all can use when someone is being ‘difficult’ and that person is hitting their limit? I used the word “tilt” with my aunt (for another reason entirely) when I was at the end of my rope and barely hanging on. It kept me from having to articulate exactly how I was feeling, but allowed me to signal I needed help and support.

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