Don’t Call Me Nice…Please

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“Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” – Mark Twain

This was previously published on 10/2/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

The other day I made a comment off-handedly and the recipient said, “Oh, that’s so nice.” I didn’t like that compliment. Yes, I realize it’s not nice of me to judge a comment about being nice. Upon reflection, it’s because I don’t like the sound of me when I’m doing nice. And believe me, as a former sorority girl, I can do nice!

Here’s how I see the difference:

Nice: Off-handed bromides about someone’s appearance

Kind: Genuinely complimenting something you like about someone else

Nice: Sunniness

Kind: Warmth from within

Nice: Saying what someone else wants to hear

Kind: Listening to what needs to be said

Nice: Wishing someone a nice day

Kind: Mustering an internal energy to blow love, safety and warmth in the path of another

Nice: Holding the door open

Kind: Walking with others across thresholds that are challenging for them

Nice: Wearing a mask

Kind: Dropping your pretend mask so that you can been seen

Nice: Offering platitudes so that get you something

Kind: Exhibiting an expansiveness that allows you to give something

Nice: Walking away from a conversation in order to avoid conflict

Kind: Authentically showing up to a relationship so that it can grow

Nice: Something that brings a smile to your face

Kind: An experience that gives you goosebumps all over

Look, I’d take nice over a punch in the face – but what I really am blown away with is kindness. For me kind starts on the inside and bubbles forth in an unstoppable force of love.

As a reformed nice person, I have to work at switching to kindness but when I get it right, it’s the sort of effort that boomerangs right back at me. When I get it wrong and someone calls me nice, I’m learning to hear it as a reminder that I’m probably swimming in the shallow end of my sincerity and expansiveness and need to go deeper.

(featured photo from Pexels)

43 thoughts on “Don’t Call Me Nice…Please”

  1. Pingback: A Note About Style and Newspapers - Wise & Shine

  2. Wow—you give a whole new meaning to “nice.” Much food for thought, and from now on, I’m going to think twice about being”nice”! I’ll take kind any day—but sometimes that’s a little harder than being nice because it requires digging deeper. But hey—it’s always good to dig deeper, right? You just never know what treasures one might find down there in the pits! Thanks for an as-always insightful post, Wynne!

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    1. Digging deeper – I’m sure it’s not for everyone but I find that it’s good for me! I love how you put it, dear Julia – we don’t know what we’ll find down in those pits. What a beautiful piece of wisdom you’ve offered! XOXO

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  3. There’s a lot of truth embedded in this essay for me to ponder. Today, I’m completely exhausted, the guests haver all flown home, the house is a mess, but Christmas is put to rest for yet another year. Let’s hope I do better next year but I notice when I’m tired I lean on the niceties to get through the day, but when I’m fully present (rested ~ they go together), kindness comes much easier. Hugs, C

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    1. Oh, Cheryl, this is so insightful. Yes, so much easier to be kind when present and rested. And nice does get us through the day when we’re not. So good! Hope you get some lovely post-Christmas rest, dear Cheryl!! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  4. One of the things I love about your pieces Wynne is the subtle way they start out and then, out-of-nowhere, floor me. I think we’re just sparring gently back and forth and then you come back with a punch that sends me staggering to the floor. Today it was this line that put a mirror up to my face: “that I’m probably swimming in the shallow end of my sincerity and expansiveness and need to go deeper.” A wonderful reminder to me, to go deeper. Thank you for a beautiful piece.

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  5. Hmm, I certainly don’t disagree with your distinction between ‘nice’ and ‘kindness’, but I’d sure hate for people to get the message that being nice is always superficial and possibly insincere, or that being nice isn’t to be valued. Being nice to strangers, instead of ignoring them or being rude, makes a big difference between whether you live in a society that feels supportive and inclusive – and open to acts of kindness, or a society that is indifferent at best and fearful at worst. Holding the door open for someone you don’t know when you’re out in public, making eye-contact, and smiling, isn’t superficial. I’ll vote for people being nice AND being kind. And I’m fine with being called ‘nice’! I say that about other people with admiration and gratitude. 😊

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  6. The force of your assertion on this point is commendable, Wynne. Glad to see that you weren’t too nice to stake your ground. Thank you!

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  8. This is an interesting post to revisit as we near the end of the year, Wynne. Like Jane above, I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with nice. It’s a good baseline and ground level to start with. But as you noted, the magic and depth emerge and begins when we are able to take it a step further with kindness. Kindness takes effort and time and investment, sometimes against active resistance, but the impacts are so worth it.

    A good thought to reflect on as we step into the new year ahead.

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    1. I love how you put it, Ab – that it’s about going a step further and adding time and investment. I think you are right on. Thank you, my dear friend! Grateful for you and the way you help me dig deeper with my thoughts!

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  9. This resonates. Many people are nice, and it’s something we just “do” as a society. But kindness takes effort — it takes a conscious effort of intentional action. Nice seems passive while kindness feels active. Thanks for the reminder.

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  10. Thanks Wynne. In the past I have underrated kindness. A bit like patience, goodness and it’s not promoted as much as love, joy or peace. A politician is never elected for their kindness; a church minister isn’t appointed for their kindness… but I’m sure you’re right that kindness is vital in our families and communities.

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  13. Wow, I love the distinction between “nice” and “kind” and all the examples you’ve given, Wynne. There’s a surprising large canyon between the two. Your piece also made me think of those individuals who are kind to a fault, putting the best interest of others before their well-being. You’ve given me so much food for thought this morning.

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  16. Thoughtful post as always Wynne. I actually dislike the word ‘nice’ which stems from a favourite English Tutor asking what it means. Does it mean ‘pleasant’, ‘enjoyable’, ‘soothing’, ‘welcoming’, or even ‘kind’? If so, he said, why not use those words? I’ve attempted to replace the word ‘nice’ ever since! 🙂 I tend to agree, being kind feels deeper than being nice, less superficial and maybe even more genuine(?)
    Perhaps being ‘kind’ sometimes involves words or actions that aren’t particularly ‘nice’.
    You got me thinking again 🤔

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    1. What an insightful comment, Margaret – and great practice to try to replace the word nice. I think your observation that kind might not be particularly nice is an apt one. There are times the tough thing needs to be said.

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