Preserving Kindness

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“Decency doesn’t require one to be a human sacrifice.” – Dr. Gerald Stein

This post was originally published on 1/18/2023. Heads up – you may have already read this.

When I was a sorority girl in college, we all took turns on phone duty – answering the house phone lines, paging girls, or taking messages when calls came in. But in the January of 1989, it wasn’t just guys calling for dates, we had a lot of calls coming in from journalists who wanted pictures of a girl who had been in our sorority in the 1970’s.

Florida was about to executive Ted Bundy and one of his claimed victims was Georgannn Hawkins, a young woman who had been a Theta at the University of Washington. The way I heard the story was that she was studying for spring term finals with her boyfriend who was a Beta. She’d left the Beta fraternity house, which was on the same block as our sorority about 5 or 6 houses down, about midnight one early June night and walked down the well-lit alley that ran behind our houses. She’d gotten her keys into the back door of the Theta house when Ted Bundy had approached her with a ruse to help him put his books in his car.

We never gave out the photo to the journalists that called but I was curious enough to go downstairs in the sorority to find the picture of Georgann Hawkins. A really pretty girl with lustrous brown hair parted in the middle. A young woman who died after she was willing to help someone else.

I remember this being hard to take in at 19-years-old. That kindness, something that was so highly prioritized in my home growing up, could be preyed upon in such an awful way.

Now more than 30 years later, I have all sorts of examples of kindness gone wrong. Listening to the news gives plenty, as does personal experience for me, my friends and family, although thankfully none so dramatic. After all, statistically speaking it is unlikely that we or our loved ones will die at the hands of a serial killer. But pretty likely we all will cross paths with sociopaths, narcissists, scammers, or hustlers.

But even so, kindness is still reported to be pervasive. When the University of Sussex conducted the largest in-depth study on kindness in 2021 that one of the findings was “Three-quarters of people told us they received kindness from close friends or family quite often or nearly all the time. And when we asked about the most recent time someone was kind to them, 16% of people said it was within the last hour and a further 43% said it was within the last day. Whatever people’s age or wherever they lived, kindness was very common.”

Studies have shown that being kind increases our well-being. People who volunteer live 20-40% longer. Kindness, whether on the giving or receiving end, helps us to report higher levels of well-being.

So how do we stay kind? Turns out there’s a strong link between setting boundaries and being able to be compassionate and empathetic. When we know what we can and cannot do, and communicate what is and is not okay for us, it seems we can refill our tanks more easily because we’re not wasting energy doing things that we know are not okay for us.

“I was recently struggling with a boundary issue (yes, still) and I told my therapist that I refuse to go back to saccharine – that I like solid better. Before I really understood how impossible it is to be compassionate to myself or others when people are taking advantage of me and when I’m prioritizing being liked over being free. I was much sweeter but less authentic. Now I’m kinder and less judgmental. But also firmer and more solid. Occasionally salty.”

Brené Brown in Atlas of the Heart

That testament from Brené Brown as well as the story of Georgann Hawkins makes sense to me. I’m much freer to go out of my way to be kind when I’m doing it for the right reasons and in a way that doesn’t go against my intuition.

From personal experience I can say this – my desire to be kind has survived some difficult situations because it’s part of the open way that I want to meet the world. I’ve learned that kindness is its own reward in its ability to frame hopeful and inspiring outcomes. But if we meet in an alley, I probably won’t offer to carry your books.

I’ve published a related post on the Wise & Shine blog: Six Reasons Giving is Good for You.

(featured photo from Pexels)

33 thoughts on “Preserving Kindness”

  1. Pingback: Six Reasons Giving is Good for You - Wise & Shine

  2. So many wonderful aspects to this post, Wynne. I don’t remember reading the Brene quote when you first posted this…but I love it. It’s a growth moment for sure when we come to terms with being a little “salty” for our own good. 😉xo!

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  4. Truly brilliant post, Wynne. For most of my life, I was kind to a fault and I probably would have helped someone like Ted Bundy, even if I knew their ill intentions, because it was the right thing to do. Setting boundaries and practicing kindnesses and generosity within those boundaries has been life-changing. I’m no less kind, but more thoughtful and intentional with that kindness, which feels even more meaningful than mindlessly helping everyone who crosses my path. It sounds like you’ve arrived at a similar conclusion.

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    1. Thoughtful and intentional with your kindness. What a great description of how to do kindness well! I love your conclusion that it makes kindness more meaningful. I think you’re right. Thank you, Erin!

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  5. I always practiced kindness and helpfulness, but I also listened to my gut. When I was a teen and young adult, it seemed I attracted many creeps who tried to lure me with flimsy excuses in some dangerous areas, but my gut always said not to. Always listen to your gut!

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  6. So fascinating. It’s one thing for people to say that we all need to be kinder. But it really does go beyond that, what limits and protections do we put into place. I find it’s definitely a fine line — one that sometimes I probably handle well and then others, not so well.

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    1. A fine line for sure. I think becoming a parent has definitely affected my line – because I’m more protective of them. Not sure if that is good or bad but I think it pays to think about every now and again. Thanks, Brian!

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  7. On target, as usual, Wynne. A colleague once said that she’d declared to a patient, “Get off the cross; we need the wood.” If you are on the cross, you can’t do much to help others or yourself.

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  8. You brought up such creepy memories from being at the UW. I was in a sorority around five years after your sorority sister’s murder. Then we had the Green River killer. It turned out to be a taxi driver and I was scared to death to get in a taxi alone after that. Yes, there is a lot of kindness in our world, but those serial killer memories make us aware that not everyone is to be trusted or kind.

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    1. Listen to the gut – yes, such a good guard rail when we listen. But I know you won’t stop being kind and the combo seems so wise! Thank you, Chaya!! XOXO

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  10. This is so good Wynne. I love how you brought it around and sealed it with the perfect bow! Kindness, it’s an interesting topic, and as you say, it can be tricky if you don’t know how to be kind to yourself first. It’s a fill the well first, so you have something to give, sort of ability. I love the thought that goes around every now and then, “if you’re not sure, error on the side of kindness.”
    Hugs, C

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  13. That must’ve been such a chilling thing to encounter and process at 19 years old. Very chilling and scary. We had a serial killer in our community a few years targetting gay men and it was also chilling. Thankfully he was found and apprehended.

    I’m glad that despite these awfulness, kindness preserves and perseveres.

    And I love the point you made about the importance of setting boundaries – which I think allows us to be kind but also avoid burnout and being taken advantage of.

    Wishing you three and the pets a happy holidays. Christmas is so close!!!

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    1. Oh, that’s scary about your serial killer. No wonder they grab our media attention – it’s chilling for sure.

      But I love your brilliant line about “kindness preserves and perseveres.” That is so good!

      Happy holidays to you and yours, Ab!

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