The Art of Apology

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“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” – John Steinbeck

This piece was originally posted on 3/9/2022. Heads up – you may have already read this.

The other night my two-year-old son wanted me to get a step stool out of the closet. As I was lifting it out of the storage space, he reached for it and his littlest pinky finger got pinched in the hinge that connects the sides of the ladder as it opens.

Yikes! I put the step ladder down, scooped him up and said, “I’m so sorry.”

I wanted to say, “But you need to wait til I get it all the way out.” And “That’s why these things are grown-up things.” And probably 15 other things in order to make myself feel better because I very much didn’t like being responsible for an action that pinched his finger.

But I didn’t, because I remember listening to a podcast with psychologist Harriet Lerner on Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us series that was like a master class on apologies. It was 2 years ago and so well done that I still remember some talking points. One being “When ‘but’ is tagged on to an apology, it undoes the sincerity.” If there is a genuine counter point or excuse to the apology, it needs to happen as a separate conversation.

So I looked up some more details from Dr. Lerner’s book, Why Won’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Every Day Hurts. She notes there are cultural differences when it comes to apologies. There are also gender differences – males are more likely to be non-apologizers, women are more likely to be over-apologizers. But for anyone trying to craft a sincere apology, here are some pointers she provides of things not to do:

  • Saying I’m sorry you feel that way: These are apologies that don’t address what happened but instead try to target the emotions of the other party.
  • The “IF” apology: I’m sorry IF you thought is a weaselly effort to not own what happened.
  • The mystifying apology: What is it that the apologizer just said? Apologies that usually are too wordy and talk around the issue, leave the other party feeling confused.
  • The apology as instant expectation of forgiveness: I apologize now you must forgive me is a quid pro quo that undermines the apology as a genuine offering and not just a means to an end.
  • Not listening: If we don’t hear the injured party out, they will not feel heard and any apology will fall short of the entire wound.

So what is a good apology? A simple statement expressing remorse for the action we are apologizing for, owning what we did, not taking more that our share of blame (because that comes across as insincere) and not trying to speak to how the other person feels.

Just thumbing this book reminded me of some old wounds that I was surprised to find hadn’t fully healed over because I can still think of the poor apologies I’ve received. The down-played sorry – “I’m sorry that I called you a ‘brat’ when I was feeling crappy” when that wasn’t the word used at all. The blame-shifting excuse: “I was feeling sick, what was I to do?” when someone no-showed/no-called to the birthday party I threw for her. And the non-apology because the person who caused the injury paraded around all his own hurts as a way to claim he couldn’t be responsible for his actions.

And it also brought to mind incidents where I owed an apology and fell short. The little hitches where I still feel a little guilty or ashamed because my actions were thoughtless, careless, or uninformed and I never had the guts to address it properly.

All these memories make the case of how important a good apology is. As Dr. Lerner says, “I believe that tendering an apology, one that is authentic and genuinely felt, helps the other person to feel validated, soothed and cared for and can restore a sense of well-being and integrity to the one who sincerely feels she or he did something wrong. Without the possibility of apology and repair, the inherently flawed experience of being human would feel impossibly tragic.”

This makes me think of one of the best apologies I’ve ever heard. When my friend Jill was feeling tender because something her partner did, he said, “Please tell me what I did so I can never do it again.”

Fortunately having two young kids gives me plenty of opportunity to apologize. Thankfully it’s usually for skinned knees and stubbed toes for which I have no responsibility but am still sorry they happen. Then I get to participate in the healing. As my son said for the pinched finger incident, “Mama, kiss it?” And then we get to continue growing and learning, all the while in relationship to each other.

Saying “I’m sorry” reminds me of the power of keeping it simple. I’ve posted about The Power of Short Sentences on the Wise & Shine blog today.

(featured photo from Pexels)

45 thoughts on “The Art of Apology”

  1. Thanks, Wynne. An excellent summary. Aaron Lazar in, ” On Apology,” emphasizes the need to promise not to repeat the injury and to make sure you don’t. Otherwise, apologies are worthless — just empty words.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I like this point very much. And I often find that my promise, vow, is best delivered in the fewest heartfelt words possible. More is not better and this has been a hard-won lesson for me. ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Kids always teach us the best lessons and I love that you always take the higher road with your kids and open all of yourselves up to growth and learning.

    Saying sorry well is an art in itself and I appreciate you outlining the many layers, good and bad, of apologies.

    Hope you’re all having a good week. Halfway till the weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Halfway to the weekend indeed.

      I love your vote of confidence that I take the higher road – it’s not always but when I find my way to it, I’m pretty glad. 🙂

      Hope you are having a great week, Ab!

      Like

  5. Great post Wynne- apologizing can be tough and a bad one really can make things worse. I admire your self control in apologizing to D without adding the part about him waiting for you to finish getting the ladder.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. As I’ve said many times when it comes to my kids – there are times I catch myself before I fall down the rabbit hole and I’m grateful. You are so right – a bad apology can make the issue worse.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: The Power of Short Sentences - Wise & Shine

  10. You reminded me of the power those two little words, but and if, have. I remember someone said (I don’t remember who, maybe me!) everything before the BUT is BS; everything after the IF is an excuse.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. This really hits home for me right now.

    I recently had a recent situation with a close family member who required a detailed apology from me, which I gave in sincerity. Since he had responded in anger to me twice in that conversation, I had let him know I needed an apology for his angry outbursts to me. I don’t know if I will get an apology, I recognize that he has some things to work through first before he can speak with me.

    Apologies can be very difficult for some people to give. A sincere apology does require a more peaceful heart, because anger can interfere and create a sense of justification for their behavior.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a great comment about apologies, Tamara. I especially like your observation that they require a more peaceful heart. And maybe a decent sense of self-esteem as well? I love that you led with your apology – let’s hope he can do the same in kind. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Such a great post Wynne. I resisted apologizing for my delayed response to your essay. Bahaha. I agree, we as a society are weak when it comes to our ability to apologize. We’re not so great at forgiveness either! Maybe that’s why? You have us some great tips – I’m feeling inspired. Hugs, C

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Great advice on apologies. Over-apologizing sounds like me. :/ No word from the person you threw a party FOR! Youch. That one stings ME. So does “brat.” Hrrmm… I loved it when Mama kisses cured booboos. I remember when my oldest was past the age when that would work, but I offered anyway. She was like, “What? No!” Heh. I tried.

    Liked by 4 people

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