When You Want to Give it Back

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“The strongest of all warriors are these two – Time and Patience.” – Leo Tolstoy

The other night as we were getting ready for bed, Miss O asked me, “Mama, with the dogs you’ve had, did you ever wish you didn’t have them?”

Oh, oh, oh, my heart. This was after a tough evening of puppy training with Cooper. He had been nipping at the edges of shorts, knees, and feet, the kids were running from him which he thought was a game. There wasn’t an ounce of calm to be found.

When everyone got settled down to watch a little bit of the Cars movie before bed, there were a few minutes when Miss O got to calmly pet Cooper when he was being good, but it wasn’t enough to heal the tiredness and irritation that come with getting chewed on and chased.

As we headed up the stairs to do the kids bedtime routines, I pondered Miss O’s question and the follow-on that led from it: Is there a gift in this world that doesn’t come with a downside or a moment when we wish we didn’t have the gifts we’ve been given?

I absolutely adore, treasure, and love my kids, but there are occasions when I’m flat out exhausted or sick, and don’t have the sense of humor to understand why they think sitting on my head is the right choice and funny. It’s fleeting, but I certainly long to only take care of myself in those moments. But thank goodness, I always bounce back after I get some sleep, or even just a moment to myself.

Any other gifts that we don’t momentarily doubt? Job? A new car? The place where we live? Our family?

All I could think to say to Miss O is that the work put in on the front end of relationships usually results in great dividends.

With a puppy, training pays off in spades when they are 7 times their original size.

With romantic relationships, authenticity and vulnerability allow true intimacy.

With friendships, when we keep looking for people with whom we can let down our hair.

With kids, when we create secure attachments.

It was just two weeks ago when I overheard Miss O’s mic drop moment in the car bringing the puppy home and explaining to him, “And you are something called my new best friend.” The problem with her new best friend is that he can’t automatically understand when she wants to play and when she wants to snuggle.

Funny how much I relate to wanting all my friendships to be effortless, only to discover that they grow when effort is applied. I suspect that for Miss O and Mr. D, learning that through raising a puppy might be one of the best gifts of all.

61 thoughts on “When You Want to Give it Back”

    1. I agree — what a question from Miss O and what a post, Wynne. I miss those moments – the questions that seem surface level but reveal so much of what’s bubbling up in a child’s mind. xo!

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  2. “When you want to give it back” sounds like a version of regret.

    Regret has been described as something like our experience when we meet a fork in the road. We choose, and often, as we encounter difficulties on the chosen road, wonder if the alternative was better.

    It is easy to think we made a mistake. But we must realize the road not taken lives in our imagination as perfect. Of course, no roads are perfect, so our regret is, in effect, often about something less good than we imagine it would have been.

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    1. What wonderful clarity you’ve provided here, Dr. Stein. Yes, it does sound like regret and you are spot on that the road is more difficult than she imagined. But we keep walking… 🙂

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      1. As is typical the words of Dr Stein struck me again. In those hard moments I have said my own version of Miss O’s words and as an adult I know the feeling was regret. Yet logically we, as the older and wiser set, know that a different choice may have produced more angst and greater struggle. The conversation reminds me of “the grass isn’t always greener…”! Lots of lessons will be had with Mr. Cooper I think Wynne, but so much love and growth for everyone as well 🙂

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      3. We always idealize the things we want and don’t look at or think about the downsides. Once we get what we want and live with it for a little while, the reality makes itself known.

        The reality was always there, we just didn’t choose to look at it before. The best things come when we accept the reality, and then push through the difficult parts, for that brings us to better things!

        The hard part is the acceptance and the pushing through! Wishing you guys all the best with this!

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  3. Thanks for the smiles Wynne . . . puppies and children . . . perhaps two of life’s most ambivalent examples of love and frustration 😊 . . . and then I look in the mirror at the old, master of frustration and failure ragamuffin staring back and am forever grateful that Jesus, the One who loved me to death, never once thought of giving me back.

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  4. Hmm. “The problem with her new best friend is that he can’t automatically understand when she wants to play and when she wants to snuggle.” Sounds like life itself. Friendships and all of life are never effortless, otherwise, how could we experience those marvelous feelings of love and joy that make the effort so worth while. Thank for you Wynne for making me remember why I make the effort.

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  5. This is so beautiful and encouraging, Wynne. My morning gratitude list today actually included a “they grow when effort is applied”-related item: “I’m grateful for how important friendships are deepening, that I implemented a Sunday check-in early in June.”

    Some weeks, I don’t waaanna check in, but … what’s growing that I’m sticking with it is way better than what could grow a year or two between check-ins. So, as I concluded in-list, “imma keep it up.”

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  8. “The work put in on the front end of relationships usually results in great dividends.” True brilliance right there, Wynne. I think all the best things in life have those moments where we peek at the the not-so-pretty underside, but sticking with it is almost always well-rewarded.

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  10. Oh this made me smile. My middle daughter was so disappointed when we brought home a terrier and not another beloved lab. She insisted she couldn’t relate. Hahaha – we all know how that turned out – the dog owned her in no time.

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  11. I can relate so well to your daughter’s question. Yes, we need to take the good with the bad. Also, puppies are a lot of work with the big rewards to come in later years. Our yellow lab Angus ws adopted from Guide Dogs of the Desert, which has a huge waiting list for their “rejects.” When we were taking him home, I asked if we could “try him out for a few days and bring him back if it didn’t work out.” The woman looked at me in horror! As it turned out, my daughter, who was three, lived on sofas, counters and coffee tables to avoid the big tail that was always wagging and knocking her down.

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  12. This reminds me of one of the reasons I got my first puppy after I became a grandmother—so I could fix all the mistakes I made on my daughter by practicing on him! In some ways, he turned out better than she did—and to quote Brian’s oft-made comment here: “Ha ha”. Puppies and kids—there are no better teachers than those. Buckle up Mom. Brace yourself for some big-time lessons!

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    1. Oh, I love this perspective on our teachers, Julia. Yep, you are right, we just need to buckle up. We’ve got this – and thanks for the encouragement and smiles along the way, dear Julia! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  15. Lovely post, Wynne. A thought-provoking one.
    Your words, ” All I could think to say to Miss O is that the work put in on the front end of relationships usually results in great dividends,” are so relatable!
    It reminded me of the time when my daughter was born. We had excitedly prepared our son (then years and eight months old) to receive his sister. One look at her in a crib in the hospital and he was utterly disappointed.
    After a few days, he complained, “She doesn’t do anything. I read to her and she just stares. I want to share my toys but she doesn’t even extend her hand to take them. She just lies there.
    I suppose, in our excitement, we had forgotten to tell our son that when his baby sister was born, she wouldn’t come prepared to play, listen to stories, draw, or kick a soccer ball!
    Have a great weekend.

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  17. “…the work put in on the front end of relationships usually results in great dividends.”

    The things that are of true value and that bring us the most joy in life also require effort – kids, parenting, work, our health, traveling. And I like your perspective on it.

    Your kids ask such wise and thoughtful questions and they, too, are on their way to gaining these pearls of wisdom.

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  18. I would hope that authenticity and vulnerability allow true intimacy in any context or relationship – including romantic ones. I think it’s our boundaries or lack thereof that allow it to flourish or die.

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  20. When I was growing up I had this beautiful friend, just stunning, and she got a lot of attention from her looks. One day she actually told me she wished she wasn’t so pretty. I was floored. She said all the attention was exhausting but also that she felt as if she always had to be put together, full face make-up, hair, etc. I thought beauty was the kind of gift you would never regret but I was wrong. Now she’s older and I’ve lost count of the surgeries and injections she has gone through to preserve her gift. She never prioritized her interior beauty, only the shell, which ages. So work on the front end, building a strong character, good heart, and gentle kindness with boundaries is vital if you want to attract authentic relationships in life. Dogs included. Hugs, C

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    1. Wow wow wow – what an interesting comment, Cheryl. Strong character, good heart, and gentle kindness with boundaries – I’d take that formula any day. But funny how hard pressed we would be to choose that when we were young. Hmm – so interesting. Thanks, my friend! Hugs to you!

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  22. “Is there a gift in this world that doesn’t come with a downside or a moment when we wish we didn’t have the gifts we’ve been given?” now this is a mic drop question ❤ Thank you for sharing.

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  25. Pets are great teachers, aren’t they? I do believe God made babies adorable so they would survive the shenanigans they put us through. I think Miss O is learning the phrase, “I love you dearly, I just don’t like you very much right now.” Hang in there! 💞

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  26. “Is there a gift in this world that doesn’t come with a downside or a moment when we wish we didn’t have the gifts we’ve been given?” Man, what an astute observation!
    “All I could think to say to Miss O is that the work put in on the front end of relationships usually results in great dividends.” I hope you said that to her in easier terms, lol. Then again, with this kid, you could probably say something like that and she’ll correct your grammar. 😉
    All your succinct observations that come after that are so true. (Though I can only imagine with the puppy, having no personal experience.)
    Great ending! You are so wise!

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  27. I’m laughing about Miss O correcting my grammar. You are so astute! Yes! I don’t think I have much wisdom – but these kids, they are full of lessons! Thanks, my friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

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