False Positives

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“A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us be what we should.” – unknown

Recently I was driving my eight-year-old daughter and her friend to camp. In the back, one was teaching the other to blow bubbles with Hubba Bubba bubble gum and between spit, pops, and crackles, they were talking about a girl they were in camp with.

“She doesn’t like it when we cheer her on and give encouragement,” one said.

“Yeah, it makes her grumpy,” the other replied.

At which point I couldn’t hold my silence any longer and asked my daughter, Miss O, why she doesn’t like it sometimes when I give her encouragement. She teased out that she doesn’t like it when I cheer her on and she’s not close to her goal, when it feels like the gap of accomplishment is too big for the praise she’s receiving.

But, I countered, sometimes the person doing something can’t actually see how close they are.

Our conversation made me think of the work of friendship. How we hold a space for each other that’s based on who we know the other can be. And yet, it can sometimes miss the mark if our ideas get outsized, are based on an old idea of who our friend was, or comes across as inauthentic.

Miss O’s comment reminds me that no amount of perceptiveness or encouragement on the part of a friend works if we haven’t done our own inner work to be able to hear. Listening to these two young girls talk, made me realize that some of our self-limiting beliefs can start really early in life. It left with me a feeling of introspection that I chewed on for most of the day: patterns, beliefs, encouragement, friends. It made me want to drive carpool every day just to heart two eight-year-olds remind me of the basics of life.

For more of the wisdom of children, please check out my Heart of the Matter post about what my 4-year-old son taught me about the power of working for something, Working for Joy.

48 thoughts on “False Positives”

  1. Pingback: Working for Joy – The Heart of the Matter

  2. There’s a lot here that resonates with me, but this line resonates especially: “sometimes the person doing something can’t actually see how close they are.” Over and over, the last few years, I’ve estimated with trepidation that this or that will take six months or even six years to achieve, and I’ve found it depressing. But then some tiny thing happens and I cover what seems like half the globe in a half-second. I got the internal piece of this misestimation before. I missed the external piece, though.

    Your post helps me get why my therapist has responded as she does when I’ve highlighted my surprise the gap between my ETA and the ETA-fractional actual time to a learning (“What?! I thought that was going to take six years, not six days!”). She’ll smile and say, “I didn’t.” She can much more clearly than I can see, I think as I contemplate your post, how close I am. I find this deeply encouraging–thanks for the great insights! ❤

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    1. That’s so interesting about misestimation and especially your therapist’s observation. What a valuable source of trusted perspective she must be.

      And you’re welcome – you can come drive carpool any time. Although I suspect that you get your own insights driving your two around!

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    2. I find this very interesting. for I too experienced the same thought when I was struggling to learn some concepts. They seemed so incredibly huge and difficult just prior to learning them, and them when the light bulb lit up in my head, I saw it wasn’t a big as I feared!

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  3. Oh yes….”no amount of perceptiveness or encouragement on the part of a friend works if we haven’t done our own inner work to be able to hear”. Yep, yep, yep. Sometimes the words intended to comfort/encourage can feel like toxic positivity/optimism…offered in a well-intended way, but too glossy and smooth. 😉

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  4. Kids have no idea how wise they are! I wish more adults would simply take the time to listen to these background conversations. They provide a wealth of understanding we never anticipate.

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  5. Wynne, I truly love the little tidbits you share from your kids, and how you have the humility to learn from their perceptiveness. They are clearly so in-touch with life’s wisdom, and your sharing making me so excited to one day have kids of my own. 🥰🥰🥰

    As others have mentioned, I was also particularly struck by the observation that we can’t help someone who hasn’t done the inner work. I fear that too many kids have absent (at least attention-wise), overly-critical, or overly-protective parents, and thus don’t have a safe space to try and fail or discover who they are.

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    1. Oh, I love that reading these little stories makes you excited. You are going to be great, Erin! I suspect you are right that many kids don’t get the freedom or safety. It’s a tough balance and one that takes a lot of regular adjustment to try to achieve. Let’s hope that if kids don’t get it at home, they get it elsewhere!

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  6. I don’t like encouragements because I feel embarrassed, I don’t know what to say. I think that it comes from my mother during my childhood because she encouraged me always with a note of judgment. Beautiful insight Wynne!

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  7. Carpooling 8 year olds is definitely an insightful experience. I completely understand where Miss O is coming from. And what a fantastic insight. From an 8 year old, wow! It’s like getting a medal for coming in last. It just doesn’t fit. Though it has been done for decades under the false belief that everyone’s a winner. That’s not possible. It’s a “false positive.” I love that! Great post Wynne.

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  8. Out of the mouth of babes. Maybe I should reach out to Miss O and her friend when I have an issue with a coworker or family member. I might cheer others on at the right moment instead of making things worse!!!! Do they charge by the minute or session? Ha, ha.

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  9. As a child I never liked being encouraged because I couldn’t figure it was sincere– or mocking me. I don’t feel like that now, but as a child trying to figure people out I was baffled, slightly embarrassed that anyone was noticing me.

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  10. If someone encourages me and I fail, then I risk disappointing myself, and also the other person. Oh, the pressure! But if I’ve done my inner “homework”, I don’t need outside encouragement because I’ve got the oomph to charge toward the finish line on my own steam. But I admit, a little “atta girl” along the way doesn’t hurt! 😉

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  11. Hubba Bubba. What a memory that brings. My best friend in college and I used to chew that while studying at Odegaard Undergrad Library! I think Miss O is very wise. As swim parents, we were great cheerleaders and encouragers, much to our children’s embarrassment. The car rides to and from meets were eye openers when we had our children’s friends with us, too.

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    1. That’s hilarious about Odegaard. Funny! I bet those were great carpools. I take great delight in these budding conversations and expect they’ll just keep getting more interesting. Thanks, Elizabeth.

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  12. This is such a thought provoking post filled with marvelous wisdom on friendship and childhood . . . the ‘art of learning’ while driving with children! It is always surprising to me how much intel one can gain from these sweet ones!

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  13. Excellent, Wynne. When we underestimate the wisdom and insight of children and young people we miss out on so much.
    We need so much wisdom to get the balance right in speaking and listening, deciding for them and letting them decide. Adulting isn’t always that straightforward!

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  16. Oh how this post makes me miss those days when the only way my kids could get around was in my coach. If I remained unfazed and quiet it was as if I was not there and I learned all sorts of interesting tidbits from those conversations where I just listened. When it got to the point where I was invested enough to respond, it tended to shock the kids, like they just noticed I was even in the car. What a beautiful insight Wynne, “sometimes the person doing something can’t actually see how close they are.” So true. Hugs, C

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    1. I love that you shocked the kids when you said something – yes, they get so involved that they forget they are being ferried around! Good times, right dear Cheryl? 🙂 ❤

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  17. Our kids teach us so much and even more so when we hear them relate to another child that is similar age to them.

    You did a wonderful parenting thing by jumping into the conversation and helping ask important questions.

    And I agree, it’s sad that self limiting thoughts start at such a young age. Sobering for us parents to think about!

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    1. It’s such a balance to figure out when to say something or not say something. So thank you for that endorsement. And you’re right – it’s sobering but also fixable, in my belief. Thanks, Ab. I hope you have a great week!

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