Loving Our Differences, or at Least Understanding Them

Posted in loveTagged , , , ,

“Bless the people who see life through a different window. And those who understand their view.” – unknown

Sometimes the people closest to us see things differently. I’m throwing that out there as my opening line although I suspect that it surprises no one. But it is one of the conundrums that fascinates me.

Here’s an example. My 84-year-old mom and I were recently talking about the information I learned from the Ten Percent Happier podcast, The Science of Longevity with Dr. Peter Attia, a longevity specialist. Specifically, we were talking about exercise and how it really is the wonder “drug” of aging well. I shared with my mom the measures that I wrote about in my Healthspan post: that longevity research has found we should be doing both aerobic and strength training for the best outcomes. For aerobic fitness, VO2 max which measures lung capacity among other things, is the longevity predictor and grip strength is what they use for strength training.

About a month after that conversation, my mom told me that she’d been using a stress ball to increase her hand strength. Then she added she’s been working on lung capacity using the breath device they gave her after she broke her ribs in the ping pong accident when her competitive nature got the best of her common sense.

Huh, I marveled – she’s directly working to improve the two factors we’d discussed. As an aside, let me say that my mom exercises a lot – golf, bike riding, strength training – so these are not the only things she’s doing. But given the information from Dr. Attia, I would have never thought to work specifically on lung capacity and grip strength. Since they are indicators, I took the information to remind me that I should work out more, both aerobically and strength training, figuring that if I did that, it would affect the things they measure. Sort of the indirect method. In fact, as I type this, I realize that I think that it’s kinda cheating to affect the things directly as I worry that I’d miss the point of overall fitness.

Two people and two different reactions to the same information. Not only that, two people from the same family so it’s not like some different cultural bias is at play. It highlights a difference between my mom and I that I’ve often thought of as the forest and the trees. My mom is incredibly detail-oriented and often sees the details I miss.

I recently sent her an adorable picture of Miss O petting a bunny and her response was, “Do you think Miss O minds the hair in her eyes?” I had to go back to look at the picture to see the one wisp of hair out of place. (see featured photo) My reaction was, “Sheesh, Miss O’s hair was pretty tidy that day because usually it’s way worse than that!”

Because I’m a forest person. If most things are flowing towards the end result in a somewhat reasonable fashion, I’m happy. Picking out the details in a day or a project that are a little out of order is not something I’m good at. Really, I don’t really care if something is a little wonky. It would take a lot of energy for me to get worked up about it – so I don’t. To put it succinctly, my mom is a great line editor. I am not. But give me an idea you are working on, and I can contribute a lot of enthusiasm about the big picture.

Here’s where I appreciate aging. I have come to find that the truth of life is not my way or my mom’s way. I think we’re both right. I no longer feel like I have to convince anyone, especially my mom, that she needs to see it my way.

But I still find it absolutely fascinating how differently people see things and that it presents a challenge when communicating, to find a way to speak my truth and feel seen. Often that is much harder to do with my mom because it feels like she gets stuck on the details. That’s where I’m thankful that I’m a big picture person, because I can rest easy knowing she loves me dearly and given her exercise regimen, will probably be around to do so for quite some time!

57 thoughts on “Loving Our Differences, or at Least Understanding Them”

  1. I no longer feel like I have to convince anyone, especially my mom, that she needs to see it my way.

    So agree. My responsibility isn’t to change people to be like me, it’s to appreciate who they are and what they can teach me. Also I recently read a good bit of advice that went something like: “remember your friends aren’t you.” Rather liked that way of approaching life.

    Liked by 6 people

    2. I love this advice too!

      It was a big turning point in my mental health to realize these things, whereas previously I’d obsess about them and relive them in my mind over and over, trying to prove I was right, when in reality, there is more than one way to see and to do things.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. On the strength training piece specifically, I keep intending to try that; currently, it’s all walking and dancing for me! Taleb touts burst strength-training’s merits and I understand them intellectually, but find the process–to sound like my kids when they were toddlers!–BO-RING. then again, the way Taleb does it, it’s a few minutes a day. There may be a bigger resistance in play with me here. 😉

    More broadly, I love your following sentence so much, I read it several times to let it sink into my bones: “I think we’re both right.” That is such an expansive way to experience the world, compared to one-of-us-must-be-wrong binary.

    I just read something similar in the book Models. Behaving. Badly. The quote’s not totally on target, but it’s close enough that it feels worth sharing: “Which of these views is correct? All, probably. Metaphors are analogies, focused on one quality of a phenomenon but not the entire phenomenon itself. […] Like adages, metaphors capture only partial truths, not entireties. As schoolboys in love we used to revel in the conflicting adages ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ and ‘Out of sight, out of mind,’ recognizing the partial truth of both of them.”

    So much good food for contemplation here. Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m laughing about the strength training. Well, they say resistance training is a thing too. 🙂

      And that’s a good quote – recognizing the partial truth in both of them. Expansive is a good way to put it. In fact, any day/time/moment I can live expansively, I consider it a win so thank you for this wonderful comment!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I remember that post Todd. Another great example – with the sense of urgency really amplifying it. Thank goodness everything worked out. Isn’t it amazing that after all the years that you’ve been married that you can still surprise each other? 🙂 Thanks for adding this to the conversation!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I like your positive view of that tornado situation- at the time, we thought “isn’t it amazing that we’ve been married all these years and still don’t understand each other”! 🤣

        Liked by 2 people

  4. What an interesting comment your mom made about Miss O’s hair in her face. I wouldn’t have noticed or remarked on it until you pointed it out.

    It is rather interesting how one detail can be perceived in different ways by different people. You’re right that it’s all about perspective and one of the great things about aging is learning to be ok with differences in perspectives.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Another example of why I think you and I are soul blogging buddies, Ab. I had to study the picture to find the hair. 🙂

      Differences in perspectives – great way to put it! Hope you are enjoying your trip, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m like your mom in that I notice little details like that. The stray hair would bug me endlessly. I think it’s the fault of my inner editor. I’m always looking for words out of place, incorrect punctuation, etc. Neat and orderly is my business.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t that interesting? A great trait for an editor – especially when you combine it with your optimism. Not only so you see things, but you are sure they can be fixed! Happy Friday, Mark!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for sharing!.. I think that some folks deny being different out of fear, they see difference as a threat to their lifestyle or way of thinking…. “The greatest challenge in life is to be our own person and accept that being different is a blessing and not a curse”..( Kilroy Oldster).. 🙂

    Hope all is well in your part of the universe and until we meet again…
    May the sun shine all day long
    Everything go right, nothing go wrong
    May those you love bring love back to you
    And may all the wishes you wish come true
    May your troubles be less
    Your blessings be more
    And nothing but happiness
    Come through your door
    (Irish Saying)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love how you point out that fear is a big factor when differences loom large, Dutch. Your comment and quote remind me of another, “It’s too bad that closed minds don’t come with closed mouths.” – unknown.

      Yes, may we accept (and enjoy) that being different is a blessing. Well said!

      Like

      1. Lotsa’ interest in our home Wynne, but we can’t bank interest 😊. Thanks for asking.
        Also, because termites were discovered in the Blue Ridge Mountains home inspection we put a contract on, it ‘fell through’ (bad pun 😊) . . . keep praying

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I find it so interesting as you said two reactions from two people to the same information. I find within myself reacting differently in different roles. As a health care professional I live in the details but as a normal Joe I’m more apt to just consider where we are rather than how we got there. Both versions of me see the whole picture, only one is studying the brush strokes more intently.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, I love that you can put on different lenses, Michael. That’s brilliant. As is your conclusion, “Both versions of me see the whole picture, only one is studying the brush strokes more intently.” Nice!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. It’s incredible the diversity in how our brains our wired. While we share the same values, my boyfriend and I see the world through entirely different lens. It’s sometimes frustrating, but more often draw my attention to beauty and insight I might have otherwise missed.

    I don’t know if it mentioned in the podcast, but your mom would probably love Dr. Attia’s “centenarian olympics”–it’s his strategic formula for being healthy, independent, and socially connect into older age. Rather than arbitrary goals, he’s training to be able to pick up a grandchild running at him or sit cross-legged and get up on his own when 100+.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, the centarian olympics – that’s brilliant. I think my mom would definitely be a candidate. Thanks for mentioning that.

      And I love your conclusion that your boyfriend draws your attention to beauty and insight you would have missed. Truly an expanded world!! ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Isn’t that the beauty of life, that we see things through our own lens. It’s when we cannot accept that other perspectives exist that conflict arises. You Wynne clearly have the right attitude of acceptance. You don’t feel you need to convince anyone. I’m certain that brings you peace.
    Between those who drill down into the details and those who think big picture there is often a common ground to be found, because in reality we need both minds on the project.
    Lovely post. And I agree on exercise being an antidote to aging. I better get to it. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You just sent me off to the bathroom closet to retrieve the lung-capacity air-blower thingie that I just put there the other day, and then to the kitchen drawer to fetch the rubber ball. It’s the least I can do for myself. Your mom and mine had/have a lot in common. Use it lose it! We have good role models, Wynne! We may not do things the way they did, exactly, but isn’t it great to have a choice about the decisions we make for ourselves?!

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I appreciate what Michael said…I also think I can flip and flop, zig and zag, depending on what’s asked of me or what role I’m in. I’ve learned the hard way to ‘button up’ when I wasn’t asked for fine-grain input, LOL, but I always have something to say! And — I want to add that I love your mom’s gentle adoption of two wellness habits. You planted some seeds, Wynne! 🥰

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I love that you always have something to say. And from my experience, it is something insightful and encouraging!! I’m not surprised that you have the super power to see it from different ways – part of your magic!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. What a great post for self-contemplation and analysis! I would always see myself as the detail person- the firmly planted tree, yet with every year that passes my trees are tending to move a bit here and there opening up bigger vistas.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Well thought through, Wynne. Thank you. You also used a phrase I have often read in the blogging world, “my truth.” Is this the same as my opinion or something different? Just curious.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. You may be a big picture person, but I can regularly count on a line you share to really, really resonate with me, too.

    Today, it was “Because I’m a forest person”. That one captured me.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I think our different perspectives, viewpoints, and strengths make us stronger. I may not understand how or why someone saw/said/did something, but just by opening myself to a different perspective, I can learn and expand my own vision. 💞

    Liked by 1 person

  19. I agree with you completely and what a deep understanding this is ,and you put it so nicely. I feel at times that I have to keep reminding myself to see the” big picture “and also open my mind and heart more .

    Liked by 1 person

  20. This is so insightful, Wynne. When I was younger, I spent a lot of energy trying to get people to see things my way. I now realize that not only is it okay that they see things differently, those different points of view are what makes life interesting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The different points of view are what makes life interesting – so well said, Michelle! I think that not only did a spend a lot of time when I was younger trying to get people to see things my way, but I also spent a lot of time being exasperated that others COULD and DID see things differently. Love your comment for bringing that perspective!

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Oh, this is so good and you’re so wise – “Here’s where I appreciate aging. I have come to find that the truth of life is not my way or my mom’s way. I think we’re both right. I no longer feel like I have to convince anyone, especially my mom, that she needs to see it my way.”

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I didn’t notice the hair either! I was too distracted by the cute bunny. If your mom is easily annoyed by her hair in her own face, I can understand her reaction. If I didn’t like cute bunnies, I probably would have noticed the hair because hair in my face bothers me. Our own feelings/experiences affect how we relate, at least initially, until we are trained to see it from someone else’s perspective. That’s the great thing about interpersonal relationships. We learn new things and that keeps life interesting. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love your take on this. I hadn’t thought of the sensation would affect the perception. Right! And so well said about learning new things and that keeps life interesting. Not surprised you picked up on that since you are so good at continually learning, dear Betsy! ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Pingback: Loving Our Differences, or at Least Understanding Them – The Dragon Fruit

Comments are closed.