What to Do With Our Inner Meanness

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“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” – Mark Twain

This is something I published on 9/7/22. Heads up – you may have already read this.

The other night my seven-year-old was being short-tempered with her younger brother and snippy with me. I asked her not to take out her mood on others and she replied “I don’t know what to do with the meanness!”

Huh. Isn’t that a great question? I was raised in a household that believed “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Which I think has it about half right – not saying mean things is an admirable goal. But since just stuffing it down is likely not to work long-term, what do you do with the meanness?

Tend the Body

On the night in question, my daughter was both tired and stressed. In fact, I think I can pretty accurately say that if one of my kids is grumpy, there’s about a 90% chance it’s because they are tired, hungry, cold or sick.

And that goes for me too. If I’ve depleted my energy reserves with a hard work out or am tired because I haven’t slept well, I’m much more likely to think, if not say, unkind things.

As my colleague on this blog, Jack Canfora said in his brilliant post on Things I Think I’ve Learned So Far, “There will be things you do and say in an offhand way that will stay with others their entire lives, for better or worse.” So how do we tip the scales so that those things are more often for the better?

Mind the Mind

Dr. Dan Siegel, neuropsychiatrist and author, talks about the structure of our brains. In his terms, fear and anger reside in our downstairs brain, the brain stem and limbic region, whereas thinking, planning and imagining reside in the upstairs brain, the cerebral cortex and its various parts. The more we exercise integration of these two parts by making sound choices, delving into self-understanding, practicing empathy, posing hypothetical moral questions, the better we can apply higher-level control over our instinctive reactions. From The Whole-Brained Child, those are the recommendations of what we can do to help kids integrate the upstairs and downstairs brains but they work equally as well to mold adult brains too.

As Daniel Kahneman notes in his book Thinking Fast and Slow, “People who are cognitively busy are also more likely to make selfish choices, use sexist language, and make superficial judgments in social situations.” Cognitively busy being shorthand for when we tax our brains with concentration, complex computations and choices.  So we need to find a way to give our busy minds a break.

Feed the Soul

For me, giving my mind a break comes from meditation. I call sitting down on my meditation cushion “Irrigating the Irritation” because it so often helps soften where I’m stuck. It delivers me from the petty complaints by introducing a bigger sense of perspective.

This matches the experience reported by brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor when she had a stroke that quieted the mental chatter of her mind and opened her up to a sense of deep inner peace and loving compassion. Studies of Tibetan meditators and Franciscan nuns have shown a similar shift of neurological activity for those engaged in prayer and meditation.

From a recent study published by the Oregon State University, they found that meditation can help replenish mental energy in a way similar to sleep. In fact, according to the lead author of the study, Charles Murniek, “As little as 70 minutes a week, or 10 minutes a day, of mindfulness practice may have the same benefits as an extra 44 minutes of sleep a night.”

Of course meditation is hard practice for kids. There are techniques like box breathing and just counting to ten that help in the throes of big emotions but I haven’t gotten my kids to sit for more than five minutes at a time on a meditation cushion. However, I’ve also noticed that just sitting and coloring also brings about some mental rest, both for kids and for me when I do it alongside them.

What to Do with the Meanness

I tell my kids that my job is to keep them healthy, safe and kind. I know the kind part is a stretch because kindness is a choice they’ll have to make. Also because I have my hands full just trying to practice kindness myself. But at the very least, I can help find ways they can manage their meanness and in doing so, help myself to do the same.

I’ve also posted today on the Wise & Shine blog about first sentences that draw us in: Great First Lines. Check it out!

(featured photo from Pexels)

63 thoughts on “What to Do With Our Inner Meanness”

  1. I remember Jack’s line: “There will be things you do and say in an offhand way that will stay with others their entire lives, for better or worse.” Gosh, that’s true – isn’t it? And I appreciate the reminder from Murniek about practicing mindfulness. Ten minutes a day? I can do that! 😉

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  2. What do we do with the meanness? What a great question, and great stab at the answer. It’s a huge first step to recognize the emotion–I think that awareness is key, and it sounds like your daughter is picking up on that. Then, from there, understanding the usual triggers, as well as possible tools to mitigate the meanness. A lot of adult could benefit from reading this, Wynne–so much actionable wisdom here.

    Liked by 5 people

    2. I too was struck by how self-aware Miss O is. I don’t remember even having those kinds of thoughts at that age, so I’m guessing that the type of parenting Wynne is doing is yielding thoughtful kids!

      Liked by 3 people

      4. Wynne, you say that like it’s such a normal thing for parents to do, when it’s so very special!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. What stuck out for me in this post was your quote from Daniel Kahneman’s book, Thinking Fast and Slow. I’m a big fan of his books, but I don’t remember noticing this quote. Why in heaven’s name do you suppose being cognitively busy would lead you to using sexist language?! Does this apply to women as well as men??! I find this extremely hard to believe. Sadly, it makes me think less of Kahneman.

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    1. I read Thinking Fast and Slow at a time when I was extremely cognitively burdened, and I remember reading this passage with gratitude: “Oh, so that’s what’s happening in these moments where I say things that a less-tired version of myself wouldn’t say!”

      When I read the book, I didn’t take this passage as Kahneman excusing the behavior. Rather, I read it as encouraging folks to be mindful how cognitive overload might lead us into behavior our less-burdened selves might regret … which hits where I live right now, ’cause I read this passage years ago, briefly walked myself out of overwhelm, and then walked right back into it with results that would not (sigh) surprise Kahneman.

      Third time’s a charm?! Fingers crossed, anyway …

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      1. I didn’t take his quote as excusing behaviour, and, as I say, I’m a big fan. I just don’t get the part about using sexiest language. I can’t think of what sexist language I would use. Swearing, for sure, but sexist? Is this lingering below the surface for most women? I don’t think I’ve once encountered another woman speaking that way. Sorry, I don’t get it at all.

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    2. Hmm, I read that quote as three things that may happen if someone is cognitively busy. Not that every person would be sexist, selfish or make superficial judgments but rather that those are some possibilities that exist as more likely.

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      1. Maybe. Of all the behaviours that could be listed, choosing sexist behaviour as an example seems bizarre to me. Especially if he was making any effort to include all genders in his writing.

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    3. What comes to mind for me with the “sexist” term used, is that in moments of irritation and overload, many of us tend to overgeneralize to make our point. “Men! Who needs them?” or “Women are so emotional. Can’t talk to them!” are two that come to mind.

      I remember saying something to my daughter once about men in general when I was sympathizing with her, not realizing how it would sound to my grandson, who questioned us about our beliefs, and let us know those kinds of words made him feel unsure of himself or his place.

      This opened a whole conversation into messaging he’s hearing from girls at school with the whole “All men should die” refrain that was and may still be going around. While he sympathizes with what women have gone through, he finds it difficult not to take those generalizations personally.

      We all have a long way to go still to build deeper understanding.

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  4. This looks so promising: “As little as 70 minutes a week, or 10 minutes a day, of mindfulness practice may have the same benefits as an extra 44 minutes of sleep a night.” Yes, I could use that. With our kids, we had them do something physical. Jumping jacks, running around the yard, using the body to get rid of the “meanness.”

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      1. It really helped my kids, especially if it wasn’t right before bedtime, but crankiness earlier on. I do have a Mindfulness app. I haven’t used it in awhile. You’ve given me a nudge.

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  5. Thank you, Wynne. Everything you’ve said sounds thoughtful and useful. The kids eventually will encounter the meanness of the playground more and more, as we all did and do every day. The topic is ripe for dealing with that world and I am sure you will have much to say.

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    1. You’re right that it unfortunately comes up more and more. I can only hope that by dealing with it at a small level, it helps with the bigger stuff. Thank you, Dr. Stein!

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  6. Wow Wynne, your daughter’s question has given me so many thoughts and questions before I even move onto the content of your post. I’m not used to being around children so maybe this is normal, but I’m in awe of her insight that she is able to express how she’s feeling and why she’s struggling. Plus the fact that you’ve created a safe and open environment where it’s ok to say so. I can just imagine either being sent out to play or to my room to get rid of the problem. The fact your daughter could say she didn’t know how to deal with the emotion says to me that you’re being a great role model and by exploring it now, she’s learning to own and manage her emotions which I hope means she’s going to grow up with a better capacity to cope emotionally 😊

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    1. Thank you so much for your generous comment. You are absolutely right – we’d have been sent to our rooms but this generation gets so much more coaching about how to express what they’re feeling. And there’s so much more available to parents these days to help us understand why it’s important to let kids emote. But with that said, my daughter also tends to be an old soul. She’s very interested in figuring out her why’s and wherefore’s. I’m often amazed by the things she’ll come up with that I then have to spend some time to unpack like I did here! Thank you, Brenda!

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  7. I think that’s a fair question for more than a few adults that we know. Police candidates railing against the other party. What do you do with the meanness? School moms and dads ganging up on other parents? The same question?!?!? It’s a great question and one I know I need help sometimes answering. The next time this happens, I’m putting myself into timeout to color!!!!

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  8. I once managed two younger female writers who insisted the best way to get rid of meanness was to throw your cellphone across the room. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what good this would do in the name of calming aggression. Why risk breaking an expensive phone, anyway??

    And then, one day, I was mad about something. Really, really mad. So I grabbed my cellphone and threw it across the room.

    OMG. How liberating.

    (For the record, I aimed for the couch. It bounced harmlessly off the cushions, but the act itself was no less satisfying. Probably more so actually, because I didn’t have to shell out money for a new phone.)

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  9. This is a good read for me right now.

    When I was younger, my awareness of people’s shame and fear triggers–often broadcast, and clear to me due to my unfortunate training–meant I was incredible at cutting people down at the knees when they upset me. I’d report encounters to my mom at the end of the day, and she’d call folks to say, “I HAVE to tell you what Deborah said earlier!” (She’d occasionally harness this power for corrective actions in systemic misbehavior situations.)

    As I’ve achieved some noteworthy healing the last couple months of sweet, sweet blessed downtime, I’ve noticed some of these biting remarks pop up. I am not uttering them, but it did take me a little while to figure out where on earth they were coming from. It is, you may already have surmised, totally in line with this post …

    It was working at a gym in college that softened me. Specifically, the morning swimmers always welcomed me back after I was gone a day or two; they were, the first-thing-daily swimmers, very meticulous people who appreciated that I’d open on the nose every day. The more I experienced their appreciation, the less I felt like snapping at people or cutting them down; this, even more than the group of friends I achieved in college via my just-younger sister, softened my heart and made me want to connect more and bite less.

    Except … I didn’t learn healthy expression to replace the sarcasm and biting wit. I just started shoving down what used to find that unhealthy outlet. So now, in this quiet, healing space where I’ve giving myself the grace of relief from endless bustle, I’m getting take two to face big feelings and big moments, and learning how to do so without hurting others or myself. Mindfulness via meditation (and other items on my daily checklist of healing things to try doing daily, because I feel so much better when I do) helps a lot with that, giving me a chance to touch in with what’s really going haywire and then address that … instead of blowing off steam hurtfully, without ever getting at the root cause. (This is a much better path, and I’m glad to now be on it–if I do wish I could have found it sooner!)

    Thanks for great food for thought/feeling.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, I love your stories and how good you are at seeing and noticing patterns! Those delightful swimmers sound like the perfect way to start the day. But it’s that healthy expression that has taken me years to find as well. I think I’m about 10 years older than you but this just wasn’t taught when we were kids in any family that I knew of. So here we are figuring it out now – and thank goodness for the goodness of blogging (and downtime) to help us do so. Thank you, my friend!

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      1. Good morning!

        Soooooo … with thanks … while I reflect on how I later blog about this, I wanted to come back to this thread, which helped me match words to some wordless understandings growing within me. My want to bite when and where shame is active, since I took a specific sobriety-enhancing action mid-June, was the subject of my recent “bare feet” post. Since then, I’ve been leaning allll the way into understanding that with much more action-improving clarity, which clarity I achieved (YES!!!!!) this morning.

        What I learned with word-enhanced clarity this morning, having stuck with this uncomfortable rumble, is that Pema Chödrön is spot-on about the source of all these wounding actions people inflict on each other (where non-sociopaths are involved!) really about trying to armor up the softness of our hearts. It really is about love, not inadequacy or hate, WHAT!!! This is how I get hurt and want to lash out at people whom I love even when they are hurting me–like, ugh, if you could see in you the light I see in you, we would not be in this hurtful moment! Why can’t you see you like I see you?!

        My dear friend Jane got the long version of this, but I wanted to say thank you for how you’ve helped me get this, too. In your words, you routinely evidence such compassionate commitment to see and accept what is, it’s been part of my courage to keep leaning in. So, thank you. I am so grateful to–thanks to sources of courage such as your words–see the humanity love story underlying all these wounding actions we non-sociopaths take. MAGIC, absolute magic, to have chosen big-G gratification long enough to learn this. ❤

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      2. I love this addendum which just brought a full circle moment of understanding for me too. My 8-year-old hurt herself today and as she carried on-and-on-and-on, my internal tape went from empathetic to “oh good grief, you did this to yourself.” Now that I read your comment, I realize that I was armoring up because it hurt to see her hurting and not to be able to take the pain away.

        And that’s what I love about being in conversation with people like you that are figuring it out and willing to talk about it. Because your willingness leads to insights for me, and then it seems that the growth just builds.

        So thank you!!

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  11. Out of the mouths of babes….what a great question from your daughter! I love the alternative suggestions for meditation – the breathing exercises, the coloring, etc. I think people forget that meditation isn’t just 1 practice…it can look like many different things. I find the Zen Color app to be a nice break when I need to take a moment to slow down, but there is NOTHING like the smell and feel of real crayons. Just that helps calm the mind. 💞💞💞

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    1. You are so right about the mouths of babes. Sheesh, I find myself just trying to keep up!

      And a fresh box of crayons – all lined up with the tips perfectly sharp?? Oh yes! But you have a good point about the coloring apps – another good option!

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  13. There is nothing like a great blog about managing mean that makes me think about managing mean! When someone is unkind toward me, or when I realize that I am being less than kind to another I wonder about the underlying cause. Therein lies a plethora of juicy grist for the inner healing mill. You’ve made me stop to think about the nooks and crannies of myself that can use a little bit of spit and polish. Just when one nook starts to sparkle, there’s a cranny that needs some extra special love. Maybe it’s love that wipes out the mean.

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    1. I couldn’t agree more. It’s the opening of the heart. Compassionate understanding. Awareness in the moment of the interaction that if someone’s behavior is ‘mean,’ it’s because they are suffering and the best thing to do is beam some love their way.💗

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    2. Wow – “juicy grist for the inner healing mill.” What an amazing phrase about the inner work and I love that you point to it here. I think you are right that it’s love that can wipe out the mean or at least make it softer. Beautiful, Julia!

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    3. Great comment, Nancy. “Compassionate understanding” – a wonderful approach to everything and I love your awareness that the best thing is to beam some love. Beautiful!

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  14. The Jack Canfora line jumped out at me in particular at a second reading, Wynne. I can definitely think of a few comments made to me throughout life, probably in an offhand way, that has stuck with me for a while, even till today.

    Parenting is hardest when your kids have struggles with their emotions, probably a result of tiredness, hunger, sadness, and trying to find the calm to respond and role model appropriately is not always easy!

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    1. “trying to find the calm to respond and role model appropriately is not always easy!” You nailed that one, Ab!

      I can think of quite a few offhand comments too. I doubt there’s anyone that hasn’t given/received a few of those but I’m grateful that I seem less inclined to speak without thinking as I age.

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  15. Interesting you don’t mention the heart, as if it’s all a mental exercise. I weep for the suffering souls who feel the need to strike out in word or deed. I have always seen their pain, and when I was younger all I could do was cry. Now I bless them, and send them (more) love.

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    1. Nancy, you make a great point. Your empathy is beautiful. When I’ve fed my soul as I mention above, I’m more able to respond big-heartedly. I love that it is your way of responding. So inspiring!

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  16. Your talk of meditation and its benefits is enticing. Paul and I pray together every night while I exercise, and my mind wanders, barely concentrating on either activity. Does that count?? 😛

    The coloring is a great idea for a bad mood. I think I put in my parenting book something that I came across somewhere about handing a child, unable to articulate well, a crayon and paper and saying, “Showing me how you feel.” They might scribble holes into the paper, but they’ll feel a little better after.

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    1. I think it all counts. Don’t you? For me, setting the intent is in and of itself goodness!

      That’s a great point about crayons and feelings. Seems it might work with adults too – bypassing the verbal center. Thanks for adding that! ❤

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      1. I’m sure there are many reasons adult coloring books became such a sensation. I can definitely see how it’s therapeutic. You’re forced to sit still, calm your mind, focus on something creative. No doubt that pushes brain activity away from the angsty side, into something constructive and beautiful. I think it was on EW’s blog that I read about therapists “prescribing” patients to spend an hour scrubbing their shower or bathtub. It forces a shift in thought plus brings joy from the sense of accomplishment. Isn’t the human psyche fascinating?

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