Let’s Be Unreasonable

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“Life is full of surprises and serendipity. Being open to unexpected turns in the road is an important part of success. If you try to plan every step, you may miss those wonderful twists and turns. Just find your next adventure-do it well, enjoy it-and then, not now, think about what comes next.” Condeleeza Rice

When Miss O was about six months old, I went out to dinner with a couple of business acquaintances that had kids were teenagers and young twenty-somethings. As I was enjoying fantastic Chinese food in the dark atmosphere of a fancy downtown Seattle Asian fusion restaurant, one of the women slipped in an aside that has stuck with me for all these years. It was something like, “You can’t reason with kids that are 2 ½ to 4 years old.” Wide-eyed with new motherhood, I wondered what holy hell that would be.

Now that Mr D is about to turn four years old, I’ve gone through the window that the woman mentioned twice. That’s enough to realize that it isn’t as precise as I took her comment to be at the time. And also enough to find some interesting lessons about what lies underneath “reasonableness.”

I consider myself to be a pretty reasonable person. This is a perfect spot to insert some joke about whether others in my life would say the same. But more or less, I think they would. There may be an exception about my propensity to bite off a lot but as I wrote in my Being a Yes-Sayer post, I’ve got Shonda Rhimes on my side on that one.

But watching the small examples of humanity I see in my children has made me realize three things:

Routine: When reason doesn’t work, routine often does. I’m guessing this is how most parents of small children manage to make things happen. But looking at my life I see how much I do simply by routine – yoga, meditation, writing, showering, making breakfast to name just one routine that I do every morning. And it flows because I don’t question it. Also, when it’s interrupted, I’m very unsettled.

Override: There’s a lot of things little kids don’t want to do. I’m thinking specifically about inserting a stick with bristles and flavored paste in their mouths to scrub all sides of every surface, and then go to bed. But when some parental influence is exerted, it usually happens.

Cue to the end of the night when I’m sitting in my chair reading. Guess what? I often don’t feel like getting out of the chair, brushing my teeth, putting on face creams (there’s a lot more these days), and going to bed. But I do it. Watching kids makes me think about how many things we do in a day that we don’t really want to do – eat vegetables, go to school/work, brush our teeth, wash our hands. I’m sure the list varies for everyone but to one degree or another we are doing a ton of things that we don’t “feel” like doing. I think we all deserve some recognition and applause.

Delight: Reason is not a pre-requisite for delight. In fact, my observation is that reason might hinder delight when we are too focused on the above routines and overrides. Mr. D was riding his training wheeled bike in a bike lane along a well-traveled route the other day when he got off to crouch down and point out the ants he saw also commuting down the road. He was fascinated by the activity and direction and wanted me to join in on his delight. I, however, was almost too preoccupied by trying to get us out of the lane of bike traffic even though no one was coming.

It’s a scene that plays out over and over with my kids. There are a myriad of wonders up, down, and around, and these beautiful young minds around me point them out to me. Only then do I notice, and when left on my own I only tune into a FRACTION of what they see.

Maybe this is why I feel a little sad leaving this “window of unreasonableness” as coined by my colleague. Sure, we’ll get a lot more done – but I’d like to keep the congratulations and delight.

59 thoughts on “Let’s Be Unreasonable”

  1. You will have many very beautiful memories of this unrepeatable time, Wynne. The best of life is free, isn’t it?

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      1. I would take credit, but Sinatra sang a song with a name close to this in the late ’40s. It, too, is free on YouTube.

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  2. I guess I would agree with the woman that you can’t reason with kids that are 2 ½ to 4 years old … and you know what, I don’t think I would ever want to!!!! It’s hard for us adults to pick up the things that our kids notice — love that Mr D is noticing the ants on the road — but the great thing is that you’re trying and are there for your kids. I’ve found that those ant discoveries become much bigger ones down the road about life and your kids know that you’re listening! It makes a difference. Just my two cents. Really cool Wynne!

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    1. Your hearty endorsement of unreasonableness is great, Brian! 🙂 Seriously though – I so appreciate this little peak you’ve given me into the discovery of kids getting bigger and the encouragement to keep listening. Yes, it makes a difference, doesn’t it? Thanks, my friend! ❤

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      1. I get what you mean by saying you see only “a FRACTION of what they see.” My point is don’t discount it though. My son was talking yesterday with me about something he’s looking forward to this fall semester. I’m convinced that his ease of talking with me about the good and bad goes back to when he was five and I’d get on the ground with him and we’d play with his Cars cars. Yes, a few years in between, but it was the habit, the safe place! Love how you describe it, a window of unreasonableness!

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  3. Children really do have the powerful ability to help ground us, don’t they, Wynne? I’ve caught glimpses of my 2.5-year-old niece being “unreasnoable”, but there is something so endearing about watching a tiny human develop their own opinions, justify what they want, and come into their own, while still maintaining their innocence, curiosity, and sense of awe. I imagine, alongside the challenges , there really is something magical about that “window of unreasonableness”. I may change my tune when I’m a parent myself, dealing with it 24/7! 😆

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    1. I love the way you put it, Erin — all of it but especially how there’s something magical about it. Right! It is delightfully inspiring – and sometimes incredibly maddening! 🙂 ❤

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  4. I agree with Dr. Stein Wynne- even though we get to revel in most of the unreasonableness leaving given enough time, the moments of delight don’t have to go away. They change and adjust but aren’t all that hard to find. Some of the best ones come long after routines are firmly established and there are very few needs for mom overrides anymore. Those later delights often have shared meaning that the younger days ones don’t I’ve found…a bit of knowing and understanding that maybe isn’t completely understood from a 4 yo perspective.

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    1. I love this comment that they aren’t all that hard to find. And yes, the shared meaning that comes with age is absolutely wonderful. It’s all so precious when we look at it with perspective – I suppose I just enjoy milestones (and friends who help) for that reason. 🙂

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  5. Your posts about parenting lead me to reminisce about when my two daughters were little. It was a joyful, though brief, period in my life. Now that they are grown, pursuing careers, and living far away from me, I still find joy in their lives. But those days when they were little were priceless.

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  6. I love your description of Mr. D inviting you in…to join him in his delight. As precious as those moments are…and fleeting…I’ve found they come back around, those pockets of joy…when the little ones become grown. xo, Wynne! 🥰

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    1. “pockets of joy” what a great phrase. Makes me think of joy snacks and about how this is all about how we appreciate these things, no matter the phase. Thank you, my friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  8. I love your insights and examples truly. Let the children inspire and remind us that we were all kids, and sometimes it’s nice to be kids again – for a little while – stopping to see the ants, and soak up the wonder around us.

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  9. Far too often us busy, responsible adults bypass fleeting moments of delight by failing to press life’s Pause button to “Stop and smell the roses”.

    Even far less often do we embrace to childlike wonder of life’s smallest delights as your two precious little ones are exploring the groove in the sidewalk . . . Growing up is a trap! 😃

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    1. Growing up is a trap — that’s wonderful, Fred!! Yep, let’s pause and find those moments of delight. Somehow, I think you are especially good at that, my friend!

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  10. What a nice post, Wynne, and Mr D’s ability to focus on watching the ants is a terrific example of learning by watching … at the formative time in our lives when we have no other responsibilities, or at least none that we’re taking too seriously! It’s a special time and a brief time. It’s fun to remember our kids when they are that age, and even our grandkids!

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  13. Oh, gosh, you already have so many comments… do I bother adding mine? (just a nod and agreement with an earlier blog of yours)

    “Reason is not a pre-requisite for delight.”

    That right there is my favorite sentence of this post!! I just wanna add “hallelujah” and “whew”!

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  14. Delightful, as always Wynne. Several responses… I twitch every time I hear any generalisation or stereotype – at worst it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy – and I want to prove them wrong!
    As for unreasonableness… I think that there is sometimes reasonable unreasonableness – in all of us and particularly with children; their reasonableness may not fit into our definition of reasonableness so we consider it unreasonable.
    …And with some folks – young and old alike – their unreasonableness is an endearing quality – part of their charm, their individuality. I would suggest that if we start with unreasonableness as a positive, our perspective on the individual changes for the better…

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    1. What a great comment, Malcolm. Their unreasonableness is an endearing quality – right! You make a good point about the type of unreasonableness. And also about stereotypes.

      I like your suggestion to start with unreasonableness as a positive. It reminds me so much of my dad, Malcolm. With that perspective, what’s not to love? 🙂

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  15. It continues to be inspiring how in tune you are with your kids and how you create opportunities for delight amidst the ups, downs and unpredictability of life.

    I agree that routines and asserting yourself are so so important in surviving the chaos, but that unreasonability is also part of the charm and wondering of this parenting life.

    I agree with Dr Stein that there will be many memories of this unrepeatable time – but also, there will be many new types of memories to come.

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    1. Thank you, my friend. You are right about the new types of memories to come. I guess I’m feeling a little nostalgic at this milestone.

      But I love this statement about the charm of it all, “I agree that routines and asserting yourself are so so important in surviving the chaos, but that unreasonability is also part of the charm and wondering of this parenting life.”

      Well said!

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  16. While I took delight in this entire post, these words especially made me smile: “reason might hinder delight.” That is not an uncommon experience for me, certainly! 🙂

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  17. Maybe we need to carve out time and give ourselves grace to be a kid again for a while? Follow the ant army, play hide and seek with the forest sprites, splash in the mud puddles. Adulting takes up so much of our time and rightly so…but we can ALL benefit from stepping into a child’s sense of wonder and awe for a short time (and the inner child and children in your life will be better off for it)💞💞💞

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    1. Ah, I love this message, Dawn. Yes, we can all benefit from stepping into a child’s sense of wonder and awe! And I love your phrase, “play hide and seek with the forest sprites” – that’s the start of a whole story!

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  19. Unreasonableness is just a fancy word for quirky. Love this post, made me smile. Also I have more night creams than I once did and feel that is unreasonable. How could I be this old?

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  20. As usual, I’m going to ignore your greater point and hone in on one passage of the whole piece. It really bugs me when people make generalized proclamations about kids, like all four-year-olds are like this and all nine-year-olds are like that. Last night a yoga, a mom with a kid who just graduated high school with Eli was bemoaning how impossible teens are and it’s really the memory of the younger years that makes enduring the teen years possible. It’s a trap too many parents fall into, and I think it’s often a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you expect hell from your teen, why shouldn’t they just give it to you?

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    1. I love how you hone into points, Jeff, and you make an excellent one here. I think you are right about self-fulfilling prophesies. Also, as a parent, why does having a kid or two make you an expert about all kids? It’s not the way any other subject matter works…

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  21. Having taught 2 through 5 year old for years, I was always quick to establish guidelines –“This is what we do, people.” Funny, in the classroom, how they accept it and fall in line (for the most part). Then, as my own children started growing up, they challenged me with their own opinions and different ways of doing things. I realized that they were just questioning “why?” Why do we have to do that? Why can’t we try something different? I realized that, as a parent, I had to be flexible through different stages of their life to help them develop their own confidence. Not “my way or the highway,” as I was likely to do in the classroom. Their interests and the things that they focused on gave me new insights that I might have missed otherwise. We’re all just learning as we go!

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    1. I love this contrast between the classroom and home. What a great perspective from someone who is a professional. Thank you, Gwen. I love your observation that their interests and focus gave you new insights you would have otherwise missed. Brilliant.

      And yes, we’re learning as we go. Well said!!

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  24. When I was pregnant, my dad said to me that I should have chosen to get a dog, at least it would be trainable! Having kids is a precarious and unpredictable adventure we embark upon, with no maps or idea when we have “arrived” except when they grow older and we see who they have become. I think if we’re lucky we’ll hear some of the good things that we said to them come out f their mouths!

    You’re doing so well on this unmarked adventure! You see the bigger picture and how their small gestures fit into it. Marvelous!

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